


closer to fine

by coastalblue



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: College AU, F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Past Sexual Abuse, and sonny is chaotic, ashlyn is kind of a mom, christen is anxious, im talking super specific, lindsey is kinda a sorority gal, tobin is a soccer god what else is new, weirdly specific knowledge of UNC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-10-12 07:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 87,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20560154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coastalblue/pseuds/coastalblue
Summary: the less i seek my source for some definitive, closer i am to fineor, a look at tobin and christen in college. christen navigates anxiety, tobin navigates the soccer field.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hello all! i am writing this work to deal with a lot of things ive gone through in the past. of course, instead of properly dealing with them, im writing about someone else dealing with them. good luck CP. i hope you all enjoy:)

christen had been holding herself together for as long as she could remember. she remembered being four years old and not being able to catch her breath, not knowing that she was having panic attakcs. she remembered elementary school, and how badly her stomach always hurt. she remembered in middle school not being able to stop sweating and shaking. and she remembered high school, when her nails were bitten to a stub. every year she seemed to fall apart just a bit more. 

freshmen year of high school the arguments started to get worse. she hated being home. it was a constant war zone. but she was stuck. but she couldn’t drive, and had no where to go. so she sat in her room and listened to music so loud she couldn’t hear her parents scream things they should regret, but she knew they wouldn’t. she taught herself guitar and sang her heart out to songs that used to make her happy. sophomore year the tears were a constant. she let people walk all over her, and spent the better part of her year crushing on a girl who didn’t give a shit about her. then she could drive, and suddenly she was free from her home. no more arguing. no more screaming. junior year was awful, but she made it somehow. she dated a boy for a few months, but ultimately nothing was there. she lost friends, and gained new ones. she gave her all to soccer, hoping to get scouted. it was her ticket out. 

senior year of high school was when it all fell apart. the holding together she'd been doing so well, for so many years, began to fall apart. the walls she'd so carefully built were breaking. it started about a week into the new school year. she was at a party, one her best friend was hosting. it was supposed to be fun. julie had practically had to beg her to go. parties just weren’t christen’s scene. she hated the smell of spilled beer, how it always ended up on her body. she hated how sober she stayed. she hated how at the end of the night she always ended up taking care of all her wasted friends. 

but either way, here she was at julie’s party, the first week of her senior year. it was going to be a good year. this was a kickoff. christen hadn’t even seen julie for over an hour, and had resorted to making sure no one drowned in the pool. 

drunk teens are worse than toddlers, she thought. christen looked up at the cloudless night, wishing she could be somewhere alone and quiet and just watch the starts. 

“christen!” a breathless voice called. “come play beer pong with me!” julie had appeared out of nowhere. christen shook her head and looked back up to the stars. _please take me with you,_ she silently begged of them. __

_ __ _

“julie, i love you, but no. you know that’s not my thing. i want to be outside. it’s too loud in there.” julie was not one to take no for an answer, and was already dragging christen down the patio to where a lively game of beer pong had broken out. 

__

“chris it’s fine, i’m so good you won’t even have to drink,” julie promised. christen settled for just standing near by to provide moral support for her best friend. across the room she made eye contact with a boy. he was a senior in school with her and julie, even in a few of their classes. she knew him a little. trusted even, a familiar face at the very least. (she knew very few people at this party, julie had a tendency to invite exclusively people christen did not know or care about) he smiled at her, and christen offered a small half smile in return. 

__

by the end of the night christen’s friends were beyond gone. she’d held back hair, poured water, and made a round of grilled cheese for anyone who was hungry. julie was equally as trashed as everyone else, so christen tucked her and a few other girls she knew into various beds and couches around the house. she made sure others got to their uber’s safely, even calling a few for some classmates. this was just what she did. cared for everyone when they couldn’t take care of themselves. 

__

when it was finally quiet in the house, christen was starting to clean up. she threw empty beer cans and red solo cups into trash bags, cringing at how much beer was spilling all over her. 

__

“need some help?” christen looked up. it was that boy. she could have sworn she’d put him in an uber half an hour ago, but there were too many people to really tell. 

__

“uh, sure. you could help pick up cups,” christen said nervously. the boy, she should really get his name... jack was it? began to help her clean. 

__

“i’m jason. we have econ together,” he said, as if her blank stare gave away just how confused she was. 

__

“yeah, yeah i know. are you staying the night?” when the words left her lips, christen knew how they must have sounded to a teenage boy. he nodded, but didn’t say anything else. 

__

after checking on her friends one last time, and placing bottles of water near everyone, christen returned to the living room. jason was sitting on the couch, doing nothing in particular. christen took a deep breath and joined him. her mind was running 100 miles per hour. embarrassed as she felt, she also wanted to live a little. she was determined not to start college as a virgin. she just couldn’t do that. 

__

she moved closer to jason. 

__

but she was nervous and inexperienced, and when he began kissing her, the memories started flooding in. he pulled her on his lap so she was straddling him, and began grabbing at her breasts in a way that felt sloppy, uncomfortable. christen couldn’t see anymore. she could hardly feel her own body at this point. she was unclear of what happened next. she knew he slipped a finger inside of her, maybe two, but it hurt and she didn’t want this to happen. christen leaned her head back and bit her lip, trying desperately to enjoy this, to be a normal teen. but she only felt fear. when she closed her eyes she saw the images she'd worked so hard to forget.

__

right on the verge of a panic attack, she excused herself with little reasoning except a whispered, “i’m sorry, i’m tired.”  
jason nodded and told her it was okay, but she could tell he wasn’t happy. the pounding in her head was so loud. her legs were shaking and her were hands cold. she wanted to go get julie and talk out everything in her brain right now, but julie didn’t know. she wouldn’t understand. wouldn’t get why christen was scared all the time, why she was so determined to just fuck around like a normal teenager. 

__

i wish i was gay, christen thought. at least then i’d have an easier excuse. 

__

so she fell asleep on the couch, jason next to her. now that he wasn’t touching her, she didn’t mind his presence as much. 

__

when christen woke up the next morning, jason was gone. friends and strangers, all various different levels of hungover, hustled around the house. christen lay still on the couch, wishing she could just get out. of where, she wasn’t sure. just out. 

__

that day christen took three showers. she should have seen that as a sign of something, but instead she pushed it down, along with everything else.

__


	2. chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well darkness has a hunger thats insatiable, and lightness has a call thats hard to hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter one bittttchhhh were gonna meet some soccer girlies
> 
> also disclaimer i am NOT a writer by any means, this is just my creative outlet rn. i know theres mistakes, dont come for me pls

chapter one: 

christen set her bag down in front if room 456, and fumbled with her keys. before she could even get her key to work, the door opened. on the other side stood a beautiful woman with dark brown, almost black hair. 

“hi! you must be christen!” the woman said. christen nodded. she recognized her as alexandra krieger, her roommate. when UNC has given them their rooming assignments, the two had messaged on instagram a few times, but had never met in person. alexandra was even more beautiful in person than in her photos. 

“yes! alexandra, right?” she tried to extend her hand to shake it, but instead dropped the laundry basket of books she was trying to balance on her hip. alexandra laughed, and started moving christen’s bags into the small dorm room. 

“ali, actually. or alex. but mostly ali.” christen smiled and nodded. 

“oh, okay! ali, great to finally meet you in person! uh, do you happen to know who the RA is? i want to ask them about some things.” truthfully, christen could care less about the RA, and had absolutely nothing to ask them, but she felt the need to make conversation. ali nodded enthusiastically. 

“yeah! my.. uh, friend, ashlyn knows her. she’s a sophomore and they were in debate together. really nice girl. the RA that is...” ali trailed off. she was all of a sudden sounding nervous, and her posture sunk. “anyhow her name is carli. down the hall and too the left, room 501. she’s a junior, huge sweetheart. oh! and she’s on the soccer team with me! i’ve only met her a few times with ashlyn but i think you’ll really like her.” ali was kind of rambling now, so christen stepped in. 

“is your friend ashlyn on the soccer team also?” she hadn’t missed the part where ali stuttered over her name. christen wasn’t dumb, and if she had to take a guess she’d say ashlyn was more than a friend. ali nodded, and picked up a polaroid photo from a stack of at least ten on her desk. from what christen could tell, they all contained the same two girls. ali and, she assumed, ashlyn. 

“this is her. she’s one of our goalies. we went to high school together, she’s kinda the reason i’m here. put in a really good word with the coach.” ali almost sounded ashamed of this, which christen could understand. she probably didn’t want people thinking the only reason she made it onto the program was because of her friend. christen nodded, and took the photo from ali’s hands. 

“she’s pretty!” christen commented lightly. ali blushed. 

“yeah, isn’t she.” she didn’t say it as a question, just a statement. 

_ah, lesbianism___

_ _christen and ali spent the next few hours unpacking their things to the best of their ability, chatting intermittently, and playing music. around 5 pm, there was a knock on the door _ _

_ _“ALEXANDRA!” someone yelled, much too loud for christen’s liking. ali smiled to herself and went to open the door. three girls piled in, one of whom christen recognized as ashlyn. she was the first to speak. _ _

_ _“alexandra, i’ve missed you. is this the new roomie? christie?” christen laughed, and extended her hand to shake._ _

_ _“uh, it’s christen. with a c, if that matters. people always get it wrong.” ashlyn wasn’t totally paying attention anymore, but she nodded and smiled, briefly shaking christen's hand. she was more occupied by going through ali’s drawers. _ _

_ _“ash, i just put that stuff away. what are you doing?” ali’s words were meant to sound exasperated, but her tone was completely smitten. _ _

_ _“i know you took my warmup jersey. i need it back. and most of my other clothes,” ashlyn huffed. but like, _lovingly_ huffed. ___ _

_ _ _ _christen turned her attention from the couple (of besties?) to the other two girls in her room. one was a pretty, tall brunette. the other was the most strikingly beautiful woman christen had ever seen in her life. damn. how are all these girls so beautiful? _chris please, be chill._ christen’s inner monologue was interrupted by the taller of the two brunettes extending her hand. ___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m alex, nice to meet you. this is tobin.” the other brunette, the one christen was sure was the most beautiful woman on earth, waved a small, effortlessly cool wave. she was leaning in the doorframe, making no moves into the room like alex had. christen was probably drooling. unable to totally snap out of it, she finally shook alex’s hand and made eye contact. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“christen. ali’s roommate.” christen was overwhelmed by the amount of people she’d met in the last two minutes. she was a social person, outgoing at heart, but everything was so new right now. alex moved past christen to talk to ali and ash, leaving tobin and christen face to face. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m tobin. but you got that already. alex feels like it’s necessary to introduce me herself, apparently,” tobin said. christen could feel herself blushing. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“guess so. uh, are you a freshman also?” christen asked, wanting to know more about this rudely cool person in front of her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“nah, alex, ash, and i are all sophomores.” christen nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“do you live in hinton james also?” she asked, referring to the dorm she and ali were in. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“ash does, she’s actually down the hall, she has a single. i live in horton, over that way, with my roommate kelley. and alex lives in the soccer house. but all of us spend a lot of time at the soccer house.” christen’s face lit up at that. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you're on the team? that’s so cool! i played in high school, i really miss it.” she said, slightly over excited. tobin just smiled. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“cool dude! what position?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _the two talked about soccer for a few minutes, and christen swore she was in love already. ash approached them, now with an armful of clothing, no doubt from ali’s dresser. as the three girls were about to leave and return to their own dorms, and tobin placed a hand on christen’s shoulder to say goodbye, christen felt as small as she did in high school. her stomach hurt and her legs shook. she tried to act casual and play off her sudden change in demeanor, but she knew it was too late. tobin had withdrawn her hand almost as quickly as it had been placed on her shoulder. she had felt christen stiffen in discomfort, and seen the look of... almost fear, that settled in her eyes. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _when the sounds of laughter and friendly banter had faded down the hallway, christen relaxed. she forced herself to take some deep breaths. this was a new space. she had gotten out. all of that was behind her now, and she needed to start acting like it. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _the first night in her new dorm was rough. christen called her mom and they talked for an hour. she told her about her new roommate, who was currently MIA, about the friends she’d met, and her plans to explore chapel hill tomorrow. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“sounds like you’re settling in okay!” stacy said, happy to hear her daughter was making friends. she’d been a little off the past few years. “do you wanna talk to dad?” christen sighed. yes, she did, but no, she couldn’t. not now. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh, i’m actually really tired. i’m about to go to bed. but tell him i say hi. and love you.” she felt bad, but taking care of herself was important right now. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay baby. sleep well. call me soon, or dad. i know he misses you already!” christen smiled. she missed her parents, even if being around them was a generally stressful and tear-inducing experience. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah. night momma. i love you.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i love you too sweetie. have a good day tomorrow,” stacy said and then hung up the phone. before she took her sleeping pills, (sleeping had been difficult for a while now) she sent a quick text to julie. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _hey jules. first day done! i miss you sooo much. hope you’re having fun in cali. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _julie had gotten into UCLA, her dream school for as long as christen could remember. it was a tough transition being on opposite sides of the country, after having been so close for so many years. she could feel her sleeping pills start to kick in, and wondered if she should text ali to see where she was. but she assumed down the hall at ashlyn’s. good thing ashlyn had a single room. the last thing she thought of as she drifted off to sleep was how uncomfortable she had felt around tobin for that brief second, but still how drawn to her she was. she fell asleep before she could figure anything out further. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _the next morning when christen woke up, the first thing she noticed was ali sleeping across from her. she must have slipped in at some point in the night. christen checked her phone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _10:23 am _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _she had slept for almost 13 hours. she guessed she needed it. next thing she noticed was a text from julie. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _hey chris!! it’s 9:45 for you so i’m sure you’re asleep... grandma. but i miss you bunches. everything is good here, except that you’re so far away! call me tomorrow. i have three classes but i’m done after four. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen smiled. julie calling her out on her old woman-esque sleeping routines was a large part of their friendship. it made her feel a little less homesick. she typed out a quick message saying she’d call her later and good luck with classes. christen didn’t realize classes were starting for julie. then again, after thinking about for a moment she realized she herself had a class today. shit. christen grabbed her bathroom bag and walked down the hall to the communal bathrooms. she heard someone singing in the showers, and someone else telling them to stop being so cheery. ah, college life. she took a long shower, brushed her teeth, and washed her face. she was feeling much better and much more excited for the day afterwards. when she made it back to her room ali was awake and sitting up in bed, texting. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“morning christen! sorry i got back late. you were already asleep.” christen nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“it’s okay! i was really tired and went to sleep early. my friends back home always tease me about it.” ali laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’ll try to be back earlier next time. did i wake you up at all?” she put down her phone and directed her full attention to christen, who was now going through her closet to find something cute. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“no, not at all. i’m a pretty deep sleeper once i’m out.” she pulled some jeans and a lights sweater out of her dresser. even thought it was late august, and north carolina summers were hot and muggy as hell, it was surprisingly chilly today. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“any plans today?” she asked ali, wanting to get an idea of her roommates schedule. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“nope. just practice. and maybe lunch with ash. what about you?” she was once again texting, probably ashlyn. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“intro to psych. but that’s all. i think i’m going to run to the store and get some things.” she needed to get her feel of the town, besides campus and franklin street. she thought maybe she’d drop into whole foods later and get food to make dinner. she’d noticed the communal kitchen and wanted to put it to use. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“ash told me there’s a party at the soccer house tonight. you should come!” ali watched christen’s face, scanning for an answer. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh, yeah. maybe. i’m not really the party type. but maybe i’ll stop by.” ali smiled at her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i hope you do!” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _and so that was how christen ended up with a red solo cup full of mostly soda and one shot of tequila, somewhere in the UNC soccer house. she assumed most of the girls there were on the soccer team, and the guys seemed to be a mix of football team and various frats. this was not her scene at all. in high school she was always the mom friend at parties, putting people to bed with a cup of water and an advil instead of actually getting drunk and partying herself. but this was college, so christen decided to try something new. as usual, she had ended up in a corner alone, just watching. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey, whatcha doing alone?” christen looked up from her cup to see none other than tobin, looking cool as ever in a UNC soccer sweatshirt, basketball shorts, and a backwards snapback. she looked like she belonged with the frat bros, not the soccer girls. christen was digging it. she refocused to answer tobins question. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh, i don’t really know anyone except ali, and i have no idea where she went so... i’m just chilling,” she explained, trying to sound casual and comfortable. tobin laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, you probably won’t see too much of ali. like ever. she’s probably outside playing pong with ash. or doing something else with ash.” christen smiled. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“are they.. uh, together?” she didn’t want to cross boundaries, but she figured tobin would be chill about it. tobin laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“oh yeah, big time. since high school. you’re lucky ash has a single so they’ll be in there all the time.” christen nodded. while she was glad she wouldn’t get sexiled, she realized she was kind of sad at the thought of being alone a lot. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“that’s cute! i always wished i had someone in high school.” she realized she might be saying too much, but she was one shot in and had a low tolerance. tobin smiled, laughing a little. she took a swig of her beer. of course she was drinking beer. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“don’t know how you didn’t,” she said with a smile. “uh, i’m about to play a round of beer pong. wanna be on my team?” christen hated beer. and drinking games. but for some reason, maybe because she was trying to be different, she decided to play. the much more likely reason was that she just wanted to be close to tobin. turns out christen actually didn’t suck at beer pong, and her and tobin won, only having to drink a few times. when they did, she tried to hide her gagging. out of the corner of her eye she noticed ali clinging to ashlyn in the corner, kissing her cheek and neck periodically. ashlyn was talking to some football guys, while also rubbing ali’s shoulder and arm. christen’s heart warmed at the sight, she barely knew them but already loved their love. lame, she knew. but she’d always been a romantic. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“they’re cute, aren’t they. gets a little annoying sometimes.” christen looked back at tobin, who’d caught her staring. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh, yeah. really cute,” she said, and checked her phone to see the time. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _12:13 am_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“so, i think i’m gonna head out. i’m not really a party girl.” she told tobin. she was partied out. uncomfortable, too many people around her. tobin nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay. you know where your going?” christen thought about it. on one hand, she was pretty sure she could make it back. but also she’d had two shots and was starting to feel it. she didn’t trust herself alone. she also didn't trust the campus. she'd heard too many stories to feel safe alone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“not really...” she trailed off. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“let me walk you back. i’m like, completely sober and know this campus like the back of my hand. let’s go.” christen smiled. she wanted to protest, but her mind was fuzzy and her body was warm. she nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay.” tobin grabbed her arm to guide her. christen tensed up at the touch, which tobin must have felt because she dropped her arm and turned to face her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m just gonna say bye to ash and kelley real quick. wait here?” christen nodded. she should probably find ali and say goodbye, but she figured ali was busy. she waited for a few minutes, people watching while she waited for tobin. a few minutes later, tobin was weaving her way through the crowd back to christen. “alright, let’s go.” tobin started heading towards the door, checking to make sure christen was following her. once on the street and heading back towards hinton james, the two were silent. christen was the first one to talk. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“where are you from?” tobin looked up from the ground and smiled at her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“jersey. you?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“california.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“wow,” tobin said, “you’re far from home.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“like spider-man,” christen joked, immediately cringing. but tobin laughed, shaking her head at the ground while smiling. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _the two were silent for the rest of the walk home, but it wasn’t awkward. christen felt comfortable. the air was cool, and the stars were beautiful. and tobin was walking next to her, their steps in sync. then all of a sudden she didn’t feel so comfortable. her two shots mixed with nerves were not working. she was sure it was more anxiety than alcohol, but either way tobin was about to see her puke, no way around it. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“tobin wait. i don’t feel good.” she sat down on the ground like a child, looking up as tobin turned around to face her. she got down on the same level as christen, and swept some of the hair out of her face. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah? what’s up. how much did you have to drink? did you take drinks from anyone?” christen put her face in her hands, not wanting to look at tobin. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“no, i didn't.. and didn't have a lot. but i don’t ever drink at parties. i just feel sick i’m-“ at that point she lost the ability to speak, overcome by nausea. “fuck,” she whispered. tobin was now behind her, rubbing her back and neck. she was pulling christen’s hair back into a bun, knowing she’d be throwing up soon. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris, it’s okay. let’s just sit for a minute. i’m tired too.” she continued rubbing christen’s back, trying to ignore how taken she was by the girl she’d known for all of one day. she was special. her thoughts were cut off by christen shifting to sitting on her knees, leaning up on her hands. when christen threw up, tobin just rubbed her back and whispered softly. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“it’s okay. you’re okay.” christen coughed a few more times, before turning to face tobin. there were tears running down her cheeks. she hated throwing up. she hated when people saw her throw up. she most of all hated throwing up while a cute girl watched her. “hey,” tobin whispered. “don’t cry, hey.” she gently wiped some of the tears off of christen’s face, and pulled christen towards her. she just wanted to protect her, and she had no idea why. she was usually go with the flow, never too emotionally attached. in fact, she would have still been at the party, getting drunk off her face if it weren’t for how drawn she was to christen. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m sorry,” christen whispered. “i don’t usually drink. and i guess i was nervous.” she sat up and pulled away from tobin, who had been gently rubbing her back. “can we go home?” tobin nodded and stood up. she reached out her hands and helped christen stand up. they stood still for a moment, letting christen catch her bearings. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you good?” tobin asked, and christen nodded shakily. “okay. let’s go.” they walked back slowly, tobin pointing out various places on campus and pairing them with an anecdote. christen didn’t say anything, but nodded and laughed occasionally. she just liked being around tobin. when they reached her dorm, tobin insisted on going in with her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“tobin, i know where my dorm room is. you don’t have to walk me up.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i know. but i just wanna make sure you get in okay. just let me do this.” christen nodded, sensing she didn’t need to fight it. she was much to tired anyway. when they arrived at christen’s door, christen turned to look at tobin. she still felt awful and was now realizing that tobin had seen her puke, on her hands and knees, in the middle of the street. classy. her face must have shown some kind of emotions, because tobin put a hand on her shoulder in comfort. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey, chris, it’s okay. we can never talk about it again if you want.” christen laughed. she liked tobin. a lot. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i think that’s a good idea... well, thanks for walking me home. it means a lot. i wasn’t good tonight.” tobin smiled and pulled her into a hug. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“of course. i’m hear for you. goodnight chris.” with that, tobin was gone and christen was confused. as she crawled into bed that night, she realized something. she had not once tensed at tobins touch. she felt at ease, despite having puked her guts out in front of a cute girl. she felt safe. she felt comfortable. it was new, and she loved it_ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment if you want, itll make my day


	3. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have i known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, i too, am annoyed that it says chapter three but its actually chapter two fuck me for making a prologue and not knowing how to use AO3 properly im a true dumbass anyway enjoy

chapter two: 

the next morning christen woke up late. she rubbed her eyes and sat up, searching for her phone. she looked across the room, and ali wasn’t in her bed. shocking. after some deliberation, christen decided it was time to brave the dining hall. college life and all that. she threw on some shorts and a sweatshirt, and grabbed her student id and flip flops. she made her way to the dining hall, made herself a plate and found a table. she was halfway through her plate when someone sat down at the table with her. she put her phone down to see who had joined her. she recognized her from the other day, alex, she thought. 

“hey christen! i’m alex if you don’t remember. we met super briefly the other day,” she explained, which christen was grateful for, as she had only been 80% convinced the girl was actually alex. she didn't always remember faces well. christen smiled. 

“hey! yeah, i remember. how’re you? i think i missed you at the party last night.” alex nodded and forked a piece of fruit, waving it around as she spoke. 

“yeah, i saw you leave kinda early. did you have fun? i know the soccer parties can be kinda... intimidating. especially when you don’t know people.” she stuck the pineapple in her mouth, her face pinching up as if it was sour. 

“mhm. i wasn’t feeling great, so tobin walked me home. really sweet of her, i mean i barely know her.” christen tried to sound nonchalant, and took a bite of her waffle. it was undercooked. _college.___

_ _“she walked you back?” alex was obviously insinuating that there was something more going on. _ _

_ _“uh, yeah. i was a little drunk and don’t know the campus, so she just wanted to help me i guess,” christen explained. alex smiled and nodded. eating, and then grimacing at, another piece of pineapple. _ _

_ _“well that’s sweet of her.” before christen could ask anymore about tobin, two more girls came over and sat down. _ _

_ _“captain morgan!” one shouted. much too loud for the morning. _ _

_ _“hey sonny! calm down. hey kell. guys, this is christen. she’s ali’s roomie. was at the party last night.” the two girls nodded, and one reached her hand out. _ _

_ _“i’m kelley. it’s nice to meet you, and this is emily,” she said gesturing at the overly excited blonde who was now in deep conversation with alex. kelley studied christen's face briefly. “i think i saw you at the party last night.” christen put two and two together and realized this must be tobin's roommate kelley. _ _

_ _“yeah, it was fun. are you on the soccer team?” kelley nodded. _ _

_ _“mhm. i'm a defender,” she explained. _ _

_ _“oh fun! i actually used to-“ she didn’t finish her sentence, because she caught sight of tobin across the room. she was walking in with ashlyn and ali, all three laughing. the two locked eyes. _ _

_ _“hey chris!” tobin yelled and ran over to the table. “how’re you doing?” all three girls sat down at the now quite crowded table, and even though there was no room, tobin dragged up a chair and forced her way in next to christen. _ _

_ _“i’m good. thanks for walking me home.” tobin smiled and picked up a strawberry off christen’s plate. _ _

_ _“anytime. i’m glad you’re feeling better.” christen smiled. she was unaware that the other girls at the table had noticed how in their own little world tobin and christen were. _ _

_ _“yeah, thats why i should never drink. hey, whatcha doing today?” she was about to make moves. christen press, making moves. maybe. possibly. casually. _ _

_ _“nothing. well, aside from practice at 2. classes start tomorrow, last day of freedom,” she explained, smiling widely. christen realized what she wanted to ask tobin to do was incredibly lame, and this girl was too cool to want to spend her last day of freedom with her. “why, you wanna do something?” tobin asked, leaning in closer. christen blushed. _ _

_ _“yeah kinda, but it’d be lame.” she started fidgeting with her hands, picking her cuticles. she had started biting her nails, (bad habit, she’d been doing it for years though) when tobin spoke up. _ _

_ _“hey, i don’t think anything with you would be lame.” she lowered her voice to make sure the other girls couldn’t hear. “i sat in the street with you while you puked, i think seeming lame isn’t something you have the right to worry about.” christen was unsure what exactly tobin even meant, but she blushed harder. _ _

_ _“tobin! i thought we weren’t talking about that! invitation to hang out taken back.” tobin laughed loudly, catching the attention of the other girls. _ _

_ _“my bad chris, i apologize. i’ll owe you forever and ever. anyway, what are you doing today.” christen shook her head and crossed her arms. “cmon, lemme tag along. i’ll be quiet i swear.” christen laughed, uncrossing her arms. tobin was too much. and she was too soft for her. _ _

_ _“i’m going shopping. i want to cook something. i cooked all the time at home and i miss it.” she waited for tobin to laugh, maybe reject the invitation to hang out. _ _

_ _“okay, i’m coming. we’re going shopping. and then cooking i guess. not that i know how. but you’ll show me." christen’s heart warmed. _ _

_ _“you’ll have to show me a grocery store. i don’t know where anything is here.” tobin pulled her keys out of her pocket and waved them around. _ _

_ _“tight, let’s go.” tobin stood up and christen followed. “bye guys, we’re heading out. see you at practice.” tobin placed her hand on christen’s back and guided her out of the cafeteria. it was about a ten minute walk to the lot where tobin's car, an old jeep, it was only fitting, was parked. it was old enough she had to unlock it physically with the key. christen climbed in, having to pull herself up with the handle above the seat. _ _

_ _“did you drive this down from jersey? how the hell?” tobin laughed at christen’s disbelief, starting up the jeep. she shifted it into gear, (of course it was a stick shift) and placed her hand on christen’s thigh for a much too short moment. _ _

_ _“yeah, this year. wasn’t allowed to have a car on campus freshmen year. but this year alex is letting me park it at the soccer house, provided i drive her places. all. the. time. so anyway, this year instead of flying down, i drove. took a while but worth it to have this baby. stella and i couldn’t be separated.” _ _

_ _“stella? of course she has a name,” christen laughed, so, so happy to be here with this girl. _ _

_ _“yeah. duh. she’s my baby. now let’s get going. also, we’re going to harris teeter. we’re broke college students not boujee bitches. no whole foods.” tobin was clearly not changing her mind. _ _

_ _“alrighty. i’m game.“ _ _

_ _it took about ten minutes for tobin to drive to the harris teeter close by to campus. they parked and got a cart before walking in. _ _

_ _“tobin, wait! i wanna get in,” christen shouted, and tobin had to laugh at the childishness of christen’s ask. tobin stopped walking long enough for christen to climb into the cart and settle herself. _ _

_ _“you’re a child, chris. a child.” christen smiled at the nickname. she realized the two had known each other for precisely two days, and tobin was already calling her by a nickname. she loved it. as tobin pushed her through the sliding doors of the grocery store, she realized just how cliche things were at the moment. but she felt like she deserved it. after all the shit in her life, she needed something good. _ _

_ _“alright. i’m cooking dinner for as many people as i can tonight. let’s go to the isle with the pasta.” tobin nodded and pushed the cart towards the pasta isle. _ _

_ _“are you trying to bribe people into liking you? cause it’s gonna work. free food is like crack for college students. also crack, get them crack.” christen laughed at tobin's joke, or not joke, hard to tell sometimes. _ _

_ _“yeah. glad you think it’ll work,” she said, grabbing four boxes of elbow macaroni off of the shelf and throwing them in the cart next to her. “alright, cheese next. push me!” tobin took off running down the isle, christen holding on to the cart and laughing like a child. she stopped the cart at the cheese fridge, narrowly avoiding a crash with a small elderly woman who was now giving them some major side eye. _ _

_ _“what kind?” tobin asked, opening the door. _ _

_ _“shredded cheddar. two bags? what do you think...” she was unsure just how much food she was making, and wanted to be prepared. tobin nodded. _ _

_ _“should be good,” she confirmed, grabbing two bags, one pint of milk, and a package of butter without christen having to tell her. “oh, the kitchen doesn’t have a lot of dishes. let’s get some of those disposable trays.” _ _

_ _“okay. then cookie dough, i’m making cookies too. and also you’re helping me, no way out.” tobin raised her eyebrows. _ _

_ _“uh, i have practice. boom, way out,” she replied as she pushed christen down the next isle. she picked up two tinfoil serving pans from the shelves, along with some plastic serving spoons. of course tobin had been planning on helping her this whole time, she'd really already agreed to it earlier, but wanted to see christen reason. and maybe beg a little. _ _

_ _“if i’m correct... ali said practice ends at five... which gives you plenty of time to help me.” she was being a little more forward and demanding than usual, but hey, risks. all part of the new christen. tobin rolled her eyes. _ _

_ _“fine. but i’m eating cookie dough and you can’t stop me,” she said, grabbing two packs of cookie dough from the freezer section. after thinking for a moment, she took one more. _ _

_ _“get sick, see if i care,” christen challenged. tobin just looked at her knowingly, too knowingly for the amount of time she'd known her. “okay okay, i totally care and i won’t let you eat too much because i’m the mom friend and i’m not letting you get sick on my watch. deal with it.” _ _

_ _“yeah, that sounds more like it,” tobin said. how did she know her this well after two days? probably because of christen’s tendency to overshare. yeah, probably. after christen paid, they drove back to campus listening to taylor swift and singing their hearts out. it was good. really good. tobin dropped christen off at her dorm, bags in hand, and headed off to practice. _ _

_ _“wait,” christen said before tobin could leave. “put your number in. i’ll text you when i’m ready to start cooking.” tobin smiled and took christen’s phone. _ _

_ _“alrighty, here you go. also i texted myself incase you flake on me and try to get another sous chef.” _ _

_ _“i bet i'd find one who wouldn’t eat my cookie dough. i bet ali would be a polite and classy lady,” christen retorted, but tobin just laughed. _ _

_ _“sure bro, if you can drag her away from ashlyn long enough. just admit, i’m the best you can do.” christen smiled and turned away. _ _

_ _“bye tobin, have fun at practice. don’t trip!” tobin rolled her eyes and drove away. christen looked down at her phone, where tobin had texted herself “this is christen, she is cool,” which made christen smile and blush. what was she even doing? _i’ve gotta call julie,_ she thought. _it’s been too long.____ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen settled herself down in a chair in one of the common rooms of the dorm. julie picked up on the third ring. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“pressy! how’s UNC treating you?” christen smiled at hearing her best friends voice. she missed her so much. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“really good. i miss you a lot though.” she didn’t want to cry, but christen was just that kinda girl. her mom once joked that she would cry at a gust of wind. the joke, of course, had made christen cry. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i miss you too. so much. my roomie is cool but no where near as cool as you.” christen laughed. she could say the same. ali was amazing, but to be fair, she’d barely seen the girl in the past few days. she missed having a best friend with her all the time. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“no one could be! i’m awesome. i think my roomie is pretty great... but to be honest i havnt even seen that much of her.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“mmm...” she could practically hear julie nodding. “party girl? or boyfriend?” christen chuckled. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“girlfriend actually. and speaking of parties, guess what! i went to a party. and i drank. are you proud?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“christen press, drinking at a party? my god. did you even make anyone any food? put anyone to bed?” julie knew her so well. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“nah, not this time. i did, however, puke on the sidewalk in front of a girl i'd known for precisely one day. one of my finer moments.” at this, julie burst out laughing. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“oh chris, that’s so on brand. how much did you even drink? one shot?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“two, i’ll have you know. and i was very dignified about it,” christen insisted. julie laughed harder, knowing her best friend was most likely lying about being 'dignified.' _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m sure. ah, shit. i gotta go. moms calling. call me tomorrow?” she asked. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay. have fun. i’ll call if i can. love you jules,” christen said, sadly. she wasn't ready to hang up. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“love you too pressy,” julie said, and then she hung up. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen killed time for the next two hours by organizing her clothes and unpacking the last few boxes of her belongings. by the time she was done, it was 5:45. she called tobin, who picked up immediately. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey bro. you’re late calling.” she could hear tobin grinning through the phone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, i have a life you know,” she retorted, hoping tobin wouldn’t ask what she’d been doing. cleaning wasn’t fun and interesting. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“sure. anyway i’m on my way to your dorm. meet me in the kitchen in five.” christen didn’t object, mostly because tobin had already hung up and not given her a chance to do so. she smiled to herself and changed into some of julie’s old basketball shorts and a PVHS soccer sweatshirt. not her cutest look, but comfort wins in christen’s mind. she made her way down to the communal kitchen and started taking out the groceries she and tobin had bought earlier. she put on the new taylor swift album in the background, and was humming along to the music when tobin walked in. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey chris.” christen turned around to see tobin, standing in a UNC soccer warmup jersey and sweatpants. her hair was in a messy half bun half ponytail thing, which christen was sure would look idiotic on anyone else. “what can i do?” christen swore she’d never seen anyone cuter. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“um. help me fill up these pots. yeah.” tobin smiled and did as she was told. for the next hour the two worked around each other, laughing and talking. tobin told christen about soccer practice, and their first home game against NC state coming up. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey, you should go. i’ll get you a good seat,” tobin said as she pulled cookie dough out of the freezer. christen wanted to go, but wished she didn’t have to go alone. she wanted to make more friends besides her roommates soccer team. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, maybe. i kinda don’t wanna go alone though. feels kinda sad.” tobin laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris, you’ve been here for like two days. give it time. you’re awesome as hell and people will see that. especially after you cook them food.” christen guessed she was probably right. students had been milling in and out for the past hour, following the smells of food. when she told them there would be food soon she’d never seen so much enthusiasm. funny how college works. tobin stirred a pot while christen pushed herself up to sit on the counter and just watch for a second. lover played in the background, and tobin turned around, and suddenly things were too real. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _have i known you twenty seconds or twenty years___ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _for a split second she thought tobin might kiss her, because if this were a movie that’s what would happen. but she didn’t, and christen was kind of grateful. she wanted to kiss tobin, that much she knew. and she felt like it was mutual. but she was scared as hell. not yet. she smiled at tobin, who told her the mac and cheese was done. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“let’s serve it up. cookies are done too.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i know,” christen said. she had just been watching for a little while. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _tobin was right, and people loved them for making food. at least fifteen people filtered in and out taking a bowl of mac and cheese. most of them lived in her building, and she recognized a few from her floor. even her RA, carli, stopped by. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“wow christen, this was really nice of you!” she remarked. all in all, it was a good night. she felt good, better than she had in a while. when she and tobin said goodnight at the door of her dorm, they hugged. quickly, but meaningful. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“goodnight pasta girl. that’s what they’ll call you now,” tobin said, ruining the moment but only a little. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i’ve been called worse. thanks for helping me. i’ll see you around?” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah. night chris.” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“goodnight tobin.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suggestions? kind words? iced lemon cookies?


	4. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'll call you when the parties over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, thanks to the roughly 1k of yall who read this im shook 
> 
> as usual im sorry for my mistakes i am  
1) not a writer  
2) still learning how to use AO3

chapter three: 

christen woke up to the obnoxious sound of her alarm at 8:30. curse 10 am classes. it wasn’t even that early, but christen still briefly hated herself for signing up for the early class. it was a required class, freshmen seminar. she was excited to meet some people who weren’t the girls soccer team. maybe she’d even make some friends. when she got out of bed, she saw ali was still sleeping. she walked across the room, all of two steps, to shake her awake. 

“ali, wake up.” ali rolled over and opened one eye. “don’t you have freshmen sem with me this morning?” ali nodded. 

“it’s in an hour and fifteen. just wanted to make sure you were getting up.” she turned away and went to grab her bathroom bag. 

“thanks mom,” ali joked. well, some things never change. 

in freshmen sem christen sat towards the back of the room. ali was on one side, and a blonde girl on the other. christen leaned over to introduce herself. 

“hey, i’m christen.” she smiled and extended her hand. the blonde girl shook it, smiling as well. 

“lindsey. nice to meet you.” in the few minutes before class started, the two girls made small talk, ali chiming in here and there. christen learned that lindsey wanted to major in biology, and had two dogs back home. upon learning about lindsey’s two dogs, christen had, of course, shown lindsey a picture of her own, and they talked about dogs until their professor emerged. the seminar was boring, but christen was glad she had talked to someone new. she was an outgoing person who liked making friends, but it had been a while since people wanted to get close to her. she was surprised when lindsey asked her to get lunch after, inviting ali also. the three walked to a chipotle together, and made conversation about their first few days in chapel hill. she noticed herself checking her phone more than usual, and cringed at herself when she realized the reason was to see if tobin had texted her. she knew tobin had no reason too, but christen was still disappointed. 

after lunch, christen said goodbye to lindsey after both her and ali exchanged numbers. christen and ali parted ways, promising to see each other tonight at some point. christen walked to her next class, which was pre-calc. she took a seat alone, and waited for the class to start. a few minutes later, when someone plopped down next to her, she was surprised to see it was tobin. 

“tobin! what are you doing in pre-calc?” she assumed that as a sophomore tobin would have already taken this class. tobin grinned. 

“ah, i’m retaking it. classes aren’t my thing. i’m here to play soccer,” tobin explained. christen nodded, wondering how tobin was even allowed to do that. 

“ah, of course. and now you’re sitting with a freshmen. will your rep survive?” she joked, but was kind of serious at the same time. 

“nope. you’re killing me here. also, you got a pen? or paper? i have... nothing, really.” of course. christen would expect nothing less. 

“yeah. you should really consider getting some school supplies. what will you do in classes without me?” christen challenged, and began rooting around her bag. she handed tobin a few sheets of loose leaf paper and a pencil. 

“eh, i’ll just take stuff from other pretty girls.” christen blushed. was tobin really hitting on her by telling her about hitting on other girls? probably. she didn’t know her well, but that seemed on brand. they were silent after that, the professor signaling for class to start by flicking the lights on a few times. halfway through the class, tobin flicked a piece of paper at christen. tobin's handwriting was messy, and it took christen a moment to decipher what she'd written. 

games this friday at 6. you down? 

christen thought about it. she definitely wanted to go, most of the friends she’d made so far were on the team. back home she'd always gone to julie's basketball games, and her other friends volleyball games. and she had never played better than when her friends came to support her. but she didn’t want to go alone. maybe i can invite lindsey... she scribbled out a “sure” on the bottom of the paper and slid it back to tobin. before tobin could read it, she took it back and added “can you get me 2? i think i made a friend.” tobin looked at the slip of paper and laughed as silently as she could, before nodding at christen. 

and that’s how christen ended up at her first college sporting event, with lindsey, who she was starting to get to know better. upon further conversation, they realized they had more in common then they thought. turns out lindsey had a roommate on the soccer team too. emily sonnett, who christen was pretty sure she’d met briefly at one point or another. 

“okay, so wheres ali again?” lindsey asked. christen scanned the field for ali. she pointed to the dark haired girl who was currently stretching by ashlyn and kelley. 

“right there, stretching. dark hair in a bun,” christen said. lindsey nodded. 

“i liked her a lot, we should make lunch after freshmen sem a regular thing,” lindsey suggested, and christen agreed, happy to be making friends. 

“okay so your roommate is....” christen trailed off, waiting for lindsey to finish. 

“emily sonnett. small human, huge chaotic energy. i think she’s...." lindsey looked around the field for a moment and then pointed. "right over there, jumping on someone.” christen laughed and followed lindsey’s finger to where a blonde girl she recognized from the cafeteria was attempting to get a piggy back ride from tobin. 

“oh, that’s tobin. she’s cool,” christen said, trying to seem nonchalant. just another friend. one of lindsey’s friends, a boy named cam, had slid into the seat next to her. while the two caught up, christen watched tobin. they were doing team drills now, but she watched as tobin joked around with her teammates. at one point she could have sworn they made eye contact and maybe, just maybe, tobin winked at her. but she couldn’t be sure. she was pretty far away, after all. christen was pulled back to reality by lindsey tapping her arm. 

“christen, cam’s frat is having a party tonight. it’s gonna be really great, you wanna go?” christen thought back to her last party experience, just a week earlier. everything in her body was saying no, so she said yes. logic? yeah, she had that. so christen agreed to go, knowing she’d regret it. she made lindsey promise to stay with her, but knew that probably wouldn’t happen. 

a whistle blew, startling christen and signaling the start of the game. christen was happy to see tobin in the starting lineup, as well as ashlyn in goal. ali was on the bench, which she knew wasn’t unusual for a freshmen, but she still hoped she'd get to see ali play. watching soccer made christen realize just how much she missed playing. maybe she could get ali to play pickup with her sometime. or tobin. or something. she watched the game intently, captivated and commenting on plays. lindsey asked her lots of questions, all of which she was more than happy to answer. she pointed out different players and the jobs they were doing, but mostly focused on tobin. very quickly she realized that tobin was an amazing player, really something special. her ball skills were like nothing christen had ever seen before. 

“she’s playing forward right now, so she’s mainly trying to score.” lindsey nodded, genuinely interested. the crowd got louder, and she turned her attention from lindsey to the game. the score was still 0-0, and it was the 34th minute. tobin had the ball and was taking it up the field, practically unmarked. big mistake, christen thought. suddenly there were two defenders on her, and with a dirty shove and a trip, tobin was on the ground. christen held her breath as she waited for the girl to get up. a ref jogged over, and a yellow was issued. another teammate who christen was pretty sure was carli, her RA, was helping tobin up. _she seems okay_, christen thought. _no medics or coaches, that’s good_. she said something to the ref, who nodded, and the game went on with a penalty kick. ____

_ _ _ _in the end, they won 3-1. ali had gotten to play for 30 minutes in the second half, and christen cheered extra loud for her. almost as loud as she had cheered when tobin got a goal at the end of the first half. god, she missed playing. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _a few hours later, christen found herself in one of the larger houses on frat row. tonight she was determined just to drink. she’d lost track of lindsey two shots and thirty minutes ago, and had given up on finding her. instead she was talking to a couple of frat guys, feeling uncomfortable but brave. one of them, hayden maybe? payton? paxton? something dumb like that, was particularly interested. every so often she glanced past him to see who was dancing in the living room. she caught a glimpse of ali and ash, and a few other soccer girls. maybe tobin was here. she hoped tobin was here. christen turned her attention back to the frat boy, who was talking about his lacrosse years in high school. christen’s confused drunken stare must have made him think she was interested, because all of a sudden he was kissing her. it was uncomfortable and reminded her that the last time she had kissed anyone had been jason, in a very similar situation. she tried to go with it for a minute, before mumbling an excuse about getting another drink and slinking away. once in the kitchen, she pounded two tequila shots. she felt the warmth spread through her body, like the shame she felt currently. christen flinched when she felt hands on her waist and expected it to be hayden/peyton. she turned to see who was touching her, very much ready to slap someone, but instead was met with familiar brown eyes. her moment of fear and anger melted into drunken happiness. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“tobin! you’re here!!” christen shouted, and tobin laughed. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“christen, you’re drinking!” it was christen’s turn to laugh. she knew her face was flushed, both from kissing and alcohol. in a moment of alcohol fueled bravery, she threw her arms around tobins neck. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“yeah. but i’m sober i swear!” she wasn’t. “you played really good today. i wanted to come find you after the game but lindsey said we had to go.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“how rude of her. i wish you had,” tobin said, smiling and reaching behind christen to take a shot. she grimaced as it went down, but tried to hide it. she’d never admit it, but she’d become a bit of a lightweight in the past few months. just as christen was about to say something else, a loud voice interrupted. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“tobbbs! come smoke with me!” christen and tobin turned their attention to the back porch, where a group of guys and one girl were packing bowls. tobin laughed, waving in their direction. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“let’s go drunky,” she said, pulling christen outside with her. they sat down on the grass, tobin pulling christen to lean back on her chest. christen hoped tobin couldn’t feel her heart pounding. one of the guys passed the bowl to tobin, who shook her head. “can’t, jack. mandatory drug testing.” the boy nodded, as if remembering. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“oh yeahhhh sports. lame. you want it?” he asked christen. against her better judgement, christen took a long hit. she hadn’t smoked weed since high school. she’d admit she was lame, but didn’t want to show it. she tried her hardest not to cough, before taking another hit and passing it to the girl next to her. they sat on the back porch passing the bowls around for an hour or so, tobin introducing christen to her friends after a while. she explained most of them were from the frat, one, the boy who'd invited them over, she’d known back home in jersey. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“jack and i used to play pickup together in high school. but i won every time so he got pissy and stopped playing.” christen laughed. she could see a slightly younger tobin kicking ass and taking names of all the boys, no fucks given. as the night carried on, christen realized how dizzy she had gotten, and how distant she felt from her own body. she hadn’t been this crossed, ever. not even in her party days of high school. to be fair, those were pretty mellow by most people’s standards. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _then three things happened at once. the boy she’d been making out with earlier came outside and raked his eyes over christen. she heard him mutter “there you are...” and her skin prickled. the girl next to her spilled her beer on christen’s lap, and the sticky feel and smell took her back. then, she heard someone’s phone ring. it was a classical piano song and it made her stomach churn. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _and here it was, she knew it, her first panic attack of college. she turned her face to look up at tobin. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“tobin, i wanna go home,” she pleaded. tobin looked down at her, seeing christen physically shrink into her chest. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“okay,” she said, tightening her grasp on christen. “let’s go. come on, lemme help you up.” christen wasn’t sure she would be able to get up. her chest was so tight and she was so nauseous and her mind was running a mile a minute and she could barely even hear tobin anymore but she felt strong hands pull her up to standing and- “chris, you okay? focus on me.” _yeah, focus on tobin_. she could do that. “okay, come on. just lemme get you out of here. just walk with me.” walking? christen knew how to do that. she kept her eyes on the ground and let tobin guide her out of the party, making the decision to go around the side of the house instead of taking her back through the crowded house. she didn’t look up until she heard a dorm room door unlock. but when she stepped inside, she realized it wasn’t hers. ___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“tobin where-“ tobin stopped her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“my place. it’s was closer and i thought you were gonna pass out on me. you can take my bed.” christen didn’t protest. but her legs couldn’t hold her anymore. she crumpled to the ground and felt tears start to stream down her face. “chris, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” tobin crouched down to be at the same level as her. of course, tobin recognized what was happening. she’d recognized it since christen had asked her to leave. she knew that look from years of seeing it in herself. she knew this feeling from years of talking herself down from panic attacks. she knew too well. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“a lot of things.” tobin just nodded and stroked the younger girls hair. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i know. i know. what can i do?” christen cried harder. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“make it stop. please,” christen begged, and her voice sounded so broke tobin wanted to cry. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“make what stop?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“the music, tobin! make it stop,” christen cried. she was still hearing the piano music from the phone ringing. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris, there’s no music playing. i think you’re hearing things. look at me.” christen looked up and opened her eyes. “listen to me. it’s just me. no music, just me talking. do you hear me?” christen nodded. “do you still hear music?” she nodded again, covering her ears to try and stop it, but it was playing from the inside of her head. it was then that tobin remembered how much christen had smoked, which probably wasn’t helping with her panic attack at this point. she didn’t really know what else to do. so she just pulled christen into her arms, thinking it would help calm her down. she couldn’t have been more wrong. christen sobbed, trying to push her away. tobin pulled back, confused. she needed christen to calm down. “okay, chris. hey chris? can you try to breathe with me? please?” christen nodded. “okay. come on, in. and out.” they repeated this together a few times, maybe more than a few. it felt like hours. but could have just as easily been ten minutes. finally christen took her hands off her ears. she looked tobin in her eyes, tears streaming out of her own. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m okay. i’m sorry.” tobin shook her head, and stood up. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“don’t be. i understand, more than you’d think. it’s okay.” she walked over to her dresser and pulled out a sweatshirt and some soccer shorts. she tossed them towards christen. “you can wear these if you want,” she said before taking her own shirt off, much to christen’s surprise (and would be delight, if she weren’t so shaken up). she replaced it with an old soccer sweatshirt, probably from jersey. christen tried not to watch as tobin wrestled out of her jeans, and put on a pair of loose fitting boxer shorts. christen wasn’t totally sure how she managed to make her arms and legs work, but she changed into the clothes tobin had given her. they smelled good, like tobin. she climbed into the bed tobin had said was hers, and pulled back the grey comforter. she looked across the room, to where tobin was getting into kelley’s bed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“wait, tobin,” she whispered. tobin looked up. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“will you sleep over here? with me?” tobin looked at her for a second or two, as if thinking it over. she didn’t reply, but got out of kelley’s bed and climbed up into her own. she sidled up next to christen, who was nearly asleep. “tobin?” she whispered. tobin smiled softly. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i think i kissed the frattiest frat guy tonight. nasty,” christen confessed, voice barely above a whisper. tobin remembered christen was still in fact very drunk, and pretty high, and laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i saw, actually. i know him. paxton is an asshole.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you saw?! why didn’t you stop me...” christen whispered. “i think id've rather kissed you...” her voice was barely audible, but tobin knew what she heard. her skin tingled. she pulled christen up close next to her, and kissed her neck, jaw, and cheek. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’d be okay with that. i’m cooler than paxton.” christen giggled sleepily. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hotter too.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“go to sleep chris.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“goodnight tobin.”_ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments? concerns? chicken alfredo?
> 
> hit me up on tumblr!! sonny-flowerr


	5. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything has changed 
> 
> i just wanna know you better now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bros, i still don't know how to use AO3
> 
> so sorry 
> 
> enjoy this chapter

chapter four: 

christen woke up the next morning feeling nauseous. she couldn't tell if it was the alcohol or the shame making her feel like hell. when she was able to open her eyes, the first thing she noticed was that she wasn’t in her own bed. she was, in fact, in the bed of none other than tobin heath. it was then that she remembered everything that had happened the night before. right down to telling tobin she wanted to kiss her. she hadn't been drunk enough to forget, but god, she wished she could anyway. 

“oh fuck...” christen whispered, feeling embarrassed. fighting the urges to get up right then and run away, she turned and looked at tobin sleeping beside her, and the embarrassment turned to sadness. tobin had seen the bad side. in the short amount of time tobin had known her she'd seen christen throw up and have a panic attack. honestly, she didn't mind the throwing up. it's college, puke stories always end up being laughed about in years to come. it was the panic attack that she worried about. christen didn't like letting people see that side of her, and now tobin had seen it and she couldn't take it back. that scared her. 

as much as she wanted to stay, as much as she wanted to curl up into tobin's body, christen let her anxiety make the choice. as quietly as she could, she climbed out of tobins bed. 

she picked up her clothes off the floor, not bothering to change. she selfishly wanted to keep the sweatshirt tobin had given her the night before, which repped tobins high school soccer team. it smelled like tobin and christen wanted to hold onto that for just a little while longer. she tried to check the time on her phone, but it was dead. christen took one last look at tobin, who still hadn't moved. after that last look, she basically ran to her dorm. the room was unlocked, and she was surprised to see two people inside. she'd half expected it to be empty, but ash and ali were sitting on ali’s bed. ali looked worried. when ali looked up and saw christen, her worry turned to anger. 

“christen!” ali shouted. “god, i was so freaked out! you gotta text me if you’re not coming home. especially when you’re drinking.” christen nodded, and tried to respond. of course, as usual when someone yelled at her, she just started crying. the anger in ali's face turned back to worry, and she immediately jumped off the bed and made her way across the room. “oh chris, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to make you cry. i’m so sorry,” she said, and pulled her into a hug. christen shook her head. 

“no, i’m sorry. i just... should’ve texted. i had a rough night,” christen admitted. she looked up over ali's shoulder to see ash walking over. 

“are you okay? did that guy try something? are you- wait," ash stopped talking, and christen watched her eyes zone in on christens front. ashlyn looked back up to find christens eyes, surely filled with guilt. "i recognize that hoodie. christen... did you just do the walk of shame from... tobin's room?” christen nodded. and then shook her head. 

“not really. i got too drunk and slept over,” christen explained, trying to avoid the panicky parts and late night crush confession. 

“and?” ashlyn asked, clearly not believing that a drunk, non-sexual sleepover was all that happened. “christen, i know you don’t know me that well, but i promise you can trust me. and you can talk to me if something happened with tobin. or i can leave so you can talk to just alex.” christen shook her head. 

“no, stay. you know tobin pretty well, right?” ashlyn nodded. _oh, great_.__

_ _“yeah, we used to play on youth national teams together. she’s a good kid.” christen smiled at the thought of a younger tobin and ashlyn, hungry for success. _ _

_ _“okay... i don't wanna put you in an awkward positon... but, well, please don’t tell her anything.” ashlyn nodded, sitting back down on ali’s bed. ali joined her and motioned for christen to sit as well. now it was clearly going to be a deep meaningful conversation. _oh boy_. “so, last night.. i got super crossed and started having a panic attack at the party, so i asked tobin if we could leave. i expected her to take me back here like last time, but she took me back to her place because it was closer, and she thought i was going to pass out. which looking back was very possible," christen paused for a moment to catch her breath. she'd been rambling. "so, she took me back to her place. which was fine with me. but anyway, i was panicking most of the time, and she was really great and helped me calm down and... i don’t know. i was so drunk, i really don't know how i even remember this. but, after i calmed down and we were going to bed, i basically told her i wanted to kiss her, and i’m pretty sure she said the same. or something like that. i don’t know, i don’t know. and now i’m kinda freaking out because she’s known me for barely over a week and had already seen me puke and have a panic attack. thats really just not how i want to start a relationship.” ali and ashlyn looked shocked, and christen could imagine it was unsettling being bombarded with so much information at eight in the morning. ali looked at ashlyn, silently telling her to take this one. ___ _

_ _ _ _“christen, wow. first of all, i'm really sorry you had such a shitty night. frat parties here can get a little out of hand. but about tobin, you’ve been here a week and a half. this is all so fast. you’ve barely even started classes yet, i don’t think it’s a good idea to start something romantic. i mean, i love tobin to death. and you seem like a really good person, i'm sure you guys would be great together. but this is really fast. you need to adjust to college before anything else,” she said. “even if tobin is hot as fuck.” at that, ali slapped her arm playfully. “sorry babe. you know she’s not my type, but i gotta state facts. sky is blue. water is wet. tobin is hot. and do not go all “i took AP bio” on me and claim water isn’t wet or whatever because i’m trying to make a point.” ali laughed. christen smiled sadly and tried to laugh. “listen, all i’m saying is it’s not a good idea to try all these new things at once. but relationship or not, i promise tobin is here for you. after what you’ve said i know she cares about you. and i’m sure she doesn’t care that you puked, or panicked, or whatever. believe me, that girl has held back my hair MANY times over the years, and she’s still here! listen, if in a few months this thing between you is still here, she will be too,” ashlyn said, laying a hand on christen's shoulder in comfort. _wow_. everything ashlyn said sunk in. christen realized she was right. it was so soon. she’d just gotten here. barely had any friends, and christen knew if she started something with tobin now she would latch on, not make any friends, and when they broke up, she’d be all alone. ___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris?” ali asked. “you okay?” christen nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah. yeah. sorry for dumping. thanks ashlyn, i really needed to hear that. i just, i don’t know what to say to her now. i mean we’ve obviously gotten close and then last night she was kissing my cheek and i just... don’t know how to be just friends,” christen admitted. ali sighed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i know. when ashlyn went to college, she broke up with me.” ashlyn pinched her arm, slightly annoyed that her girlfriend was exposing her like this. “ash, stop. i’m trying to help." she swatted at ashlyn's arm. "anyway, she broke up with me. but we’d been best friends for years and dating since my freshman year. i was fucking crushed. but we took time apart, i grew and realized i could live without her. and she did the same. it sucked, but we stayed friends, and then after a few months ashlyn realized what a dumbass she was and i realized i didn’t care that she was a dumbass. what i’m trying to say is that if ash and i could go through being just friends after our history, you can do it too.” christen was silent for a moment to let the words sink in. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“ashlyn, you’re such a dumbass, ali’s right.” ashlyn threw her hands up defensively. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i came here to have a good time and honestly i’m feeling so attacked right now.” ali laughed at her girlfriend and kissed her cheek. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, she’s my dumbass. listen. how about we do something fun today? wanna go shopping?” christen nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, that sounds really good. i wanna explore chapel hill a little bit. can we bring some soccer girls or something? i really do need to make friends.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“sure!” ali said. “i’m gonna ask moe, you havn't met her but she’s really sweet. she’s a freshman.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay!" christen started to perk up, ready to put her sad and embarrassing night behind her. "sounds fun. ashlyn, are you gonna go?” ashlyn shook her head. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“ya know, i think i’m actually gonna check on tobin, see how she's feeling about this. oh, and kelley. she’s been a little emo lately since alex got back together with her boyfriend.” ali nodded, busy texting someone quickly. she looked up from her phone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“ah yes, our poor repressed and depressed kelley. i’m telling you, i gotta set her up with sonnett. they’d be chaotic but cute.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“too chaotic babe, too chaotic,” ashlyn chastised as she grabbed her overnight bag. she leaned over and kissed ali softly and quickly before heading to the door. “alright kids, i’m heading out. gotta check on tobito burrito and kelley 'sad boi hours' o'hara. i’ll let you know how it goes.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“please do, and thanks for talking to me. it means a lot,” christen said. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“of course, that’s what your roommate's dumbass girlfriend is here for.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _a few hours later christen was walking down franklin street with ali and a small brunette named morgan, or moe. she was funny without being loud, which was not what christen was used too. she really liked her. the three made comfortable conversation, and christen realized she didn’t feel left out, like they might have been exclusive because of soccer. they ate açaí bowls for lunch, and popped into the shops for the afternoon. christen found one store she really loved, a secondhand store called rumors. as she was trying on clothes that would no doubt look ridiculous on her, and moe and ali waited to see her outfits, she realized how much she missed things like this with friends. she and julie used to go to the local thrift stores together and find the most insane outfits. they would have competitions to see who could make the funnier outfit, and put on fashion shows in the dressing rooms. she missed julie so much, but shopping with moe and ali was making her feel a little less homesick. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _after rumors, they were about to head back to campus when christen remembered something. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“guys can we go to target? i need to buy some new bras...” since she had stopped playing soccer and working out constantly, her body had filled out more. she was still small and very fit, but the sharp corners were all gone. her abs had started to smooth back into her stomach, and she’d gone up a full cup size. not that she was complaining or anything. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah!” both of the other girls said at the same time, because, hey, everyone loves target. they walked in to the small (and abnormally expensive, but hey, let’s take advantage of poor college students or something) target. christen headed towards the bras, and ali said she was going to stock up on dorm snacks. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you want anything specific chris?” she asked. what a good roommate christen had gotten. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh... i’m cool with most things. grab some milanos i guess? those are my favorites.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay, will do. i love those too!” ali said before turning to go get snacks. moe stayed with christen as they walked towards the underwear section. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“christen, get this!” moe joked, holding up something much too small and much too strappy. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“god no. i think i’d fall out. that’s like a tiny boob jail,” she said, shaking her head and picking up something boring, but much more sensible. moe did not approve. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“that’s so boring, get something fun! it’s college, live a little!” moe said, picking up a lacy, pale green bra and showing christen. “do you have a boyfriend or anything?” christen shook her head. “maybe this will change that! also, it’d totally bring out your eyes.” moe said, and winked. christen knew the girl meant well but she couldn’t deal with it. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“nah, i think i’m good. i’m not looking for a boyfriend right now,” christen promised. but when moe turned her head, she threw the olive green bra in her bag, along with the one she’d been looking at. moe didn’t have to know, but christen knew she was right about it bringing out her eyes. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ali returned holding an arm full of snacks, ready to check out. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“alrighty, back to campus?” christen asked. both girls agreed with her. christen felt her phone buzz in her pocket. of course, she hoped it would be tobin._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _(919) 555-6784  
hey christen, this is ash. i just finished talking to tobin. she wants to see you soon, and she’s okay. hope it works out. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen smiled. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: thanks ash:) you’re the best. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _the three girls payed for their things and started walking back to campus. it wasn't until christen was back in her dorm, putting away her new clothes and neatening up when her phone buzzed again. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _tobin heath: can we hang out tonight? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen sighed and thought about what ali and ashlyn had told her. she knew they were right. christen was a mess on the inside, and she needed to take things at her own pace. she wasn’t okay. her past was still a part of her, no matter how hard she’d tried to ignore it. the night before had made that clear. the emotional girl she was, christen felt a few tears fall down her cheeks. she took a deep breath and wiped them away. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: ofc. come get me after practice? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _tobin heath: you bet:) _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _she threw her phone on the bed and yelled out in frustration. she had three hours until tobin would be there to get her. she decided to call home, and then maybe do some school work. her fingers shook as she dialed her mom. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey mommy,” she said, using the name she used when she needed to be comforted. stacy knew. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“oh baby, what’s wrong?” christen took a deep breath, she missed her mom so much. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i guess i just miss you a lot. and i’m just really anxious.” christen didn’t want to tell her about tobin. or the panic attacks. or paxton. or anything. she’d always had trouble telling her parents the full story, instead giving them bits and pieces until they went insane, worried they'd never be able to help her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris, i’m so sorry. but i think it’ll get better. you’re a strong girl. so resilient.” oh mom, you have no idea. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i hope so,” christen whispered into the phone. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“listen, baby, i know how you feel about it but have you trying considered medications again?” christen tensed up, feeling her mood start to dip further down at the mention of medications. she wished they would work, but every medication she'd tried just made her feel sick, or made the panic attacks worse. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“no. i don’t want to. i can deal with it myself,” christen argued, which was, of course, a flat out lie. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’m sure you can. no, i know you can, but i don’t want you to have to spend all your energy on dealing. medications would help with that. and, i know you hate to hear it, but therapy. you should give it another shot,” stacy said. christen knew her mother meant well, but she was just making her angry right now. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“no mom. not now. i just need to adjust to college. i’ll be fine. okay, i have to go. i love you, bye.” christen hung up. she felt bad, but her mom was making her mad. she didn’t need medications. stacy knew what had happened last time, she didn’t need them. she pushed the angry feelings down and texted julie instead. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: hey jules. miss you bunches! how’s it going? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _while she waited for a response, she started doing her homework. she had pre calc and intro psych work to do, neither of which she was excited about. her phone buzzed, distracting her for the moment. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: i’m good pressy! rushing tomorrow, wish me luck. how’re you babe? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _of course julie was rushing. she’d always been a little bit of a sorority girl. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: you’re gonna get so many bids, or however tf that works. i just know it. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: jj, you know me better than anyone. i need advice. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: spill. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: so... there’s this girl. and i think i really like her. and i think she feels the same. but my friends say i shouldn’t get involved so soon into the year. i kinda agree, but i don’t wanna mess up and let her go. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: okay first of all, you better send me photos of this girl so i can tell you if it’s worth it or not. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: look at her insta @tobinheath17 _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _it took julie a few minutes to respond, christen assumed she was busy stalking. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: accidentally liked a post from three years ago, should i kill myself? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: not until you give me your opinion drama queen _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: she’s hot as fuck. i’m in a whole committed relationship (also i’m straight) but i’d do it _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: you say “i’m straight” way more than any actually straight person. i’m sus. but thank u for the input. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _JJ: buttttttt i do think you should wait at least a month. adjust to college. and then pls sleep with her. do it for me. please. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen laughed. god, she missed julie. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _christen press: will do, only for u tho. i gotta do homework, but thanks for your wise words. love u jj! _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _she put her phone away and got down to working. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _she was interrupted a few hours later by the door opening. ali and tobin walked in, both exhausted from practice and damp from the showers. ali plopped face down on her bed and groaned. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“anson wants to kill us. i swear. he keeps talking about beating stanford, but we can’t beat stanford if we’re dead,” ali said, even her voice sounded tired. christen laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you ready tobin?” she asked. tobin nodded. “let’s go. bye, ali. please stay alive until i get home.” ali waved, not bothering to look up or move at all. christen grabbed her wallet and her phone and walked out into the hall with tobin. the tension set in almost instantly. they weren’t walking anywhere, just standing in the hall looking at each other. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey,” tobin whispered. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“hey,” christen whispered back. tobin pulled her into a hug, and christen hugged back. tight. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“it’s okay, chris. i’ve got you no matter what,” tobin said. christen knew she and ashlyn must have talked about how tobin and christen wasn’t going to happen. christen nodded into tobins shoulder. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i know.” she pulled back. “where are we going?” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“food? i’m starving,” tobin said. she must be, christen thought, after that apparently awful practice. she agreed, and the two headed to tobins jeep. tobin began driving. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“where are we going?” christen asked. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“burgers good? there’s this great place you gotta go to if you’re a UNC student.” she seemed excited to share a little bit of UNC culture with christen. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“sure, sounds good.” while tobin drove, they talked and laughed about various things. tobin told her about practice and how “that man is straight up crazy. suicides for like 45 minutes. i think he’s on his man period.” christen told tobin about an article she had to analyze for psych, and how much she disliked freud, to which tobin replied, “yeah, nobody does. if you do you're nasty.” it was easy, and it was comfortable. at the restaurant, a small burger joint on franklin, tobin ordered for both of them. they each had a burger, and shared an order of regular fries, sweet potato fries, and a chocolate milkshake. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“christen?” tobin asked after a few minutes of laughing and casual conversation. oh no, here it comes. christen looked down at her burger. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah?” she said quietly. tobin saw how she shrunk into herself. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“chris, look at me.” christen looked up and found tobin looking at her, with such a soft and kind look in her eyes. she wanted to melt. “christen, i’m not going anywhere. i promise. if you don’t wanna be with me that’s okay, i’m still not going anywhere. i think you’re really special. i can be just friends. and if in a little while you decide you want more, i can almost guarantee i will too. but either way i’m not going anywhere.” christen smiled. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“okay.” tobin poked her cheek with a fry, making christen smile a huge, crinkly eyed smile. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“so you said you’re taking psych? do you need help with it? not to flex, but that’s like, the one class i passed easily last year,” tobin said and raised her eyebrows. christen laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“what’d you do, sleep with the TA?” she joked. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“nah, that’s how i passed physics, duh.” christen laughed louder. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _when tobin walked christen back too her dorm around eight, she kept her hand on christen’s lower back. when they got to the door, tobin wrapped her in a tight hug. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“i’ll see ya round, chris.” _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“see ya round,” christen replied, before heading into her room. she was exhausted. she changed into the nearest sweatshirt and shorts, realizing after the fact that it was tobin's old high school soccer sweatshirt. she smiled to herself and curled up in bed. she had no intention of falling asleep so early, but cuddled up in the smell of tobin's sweatshirt she felt herself drifting off. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _today was a good day._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments? questions? strawberry milkshake? 
> 
> (come be friends with me on tumblr! @sonny-flowerr)


	6. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and i could easily lose my mind, the way you kiss me will work each time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good evening friends. i dont love the first half of this chapter, but eh.  
STILL figuring out AO3, they should really make a tutorial or something.  
enjoy!  
(seriously though if anyone could tell me how to get italics to work consistently that would be great bc they arent working where i need them and its driving me INSANE)

chapter five: 

in the days that followed their talk, both girls made a conscious effort to give the other space. for christen, what started as giving space quickly turned into avoidance. she’d been skipping breakfasts in any of the dining halls, instead buying a stash of pop tarts and cereal to keep in her room. she had avoided the last two friday night post game parties at the soccer house, not wanting a repeat of last time. all in all, she’d been trying to focus on her actual school work and adjusting to college life. she’d finally spoken to her dad on the phone, and she had to admit she felt much better. as uneasy as she’d been feeling lately, she really did miss his calming presence. christen was doing really, really well, and she was proud of herself. ali had caught on to christen’s angle, and for the most part, didn’t question her about it. 

the girls were studying together in their dorm when ali finally brought it up. 

“you shouldn’t change your lifestyle to fit it around someone else,” ali said, rather randomly. christen was confused at first. 

“ali, what? is this philosophy homework or something?” christen asked, completely confused. 

“no. i’m talking about tobin. you’re changing your day to day life to avoid her. you won’t come to my soccer games, or the soccer parties. and don’t think i haven’t noticed the pop tarts,” ali said, in a vaguely accusatory manner. 

“dude, its totally normal for me to have food. thats not even a valid argument!” 

“yeah, whatever. but don’t lie to me, i’m totally on to you.” 

ali was right, she had christen totally figured out. not that there was much to figure out, it was all quite simple really. 

“sure, whatever. i just don’t really know how to act around her. we talked it out, acknowledged the feelings but… fuck, i’m just a really awkward person and i genuinely don’t know how to act normal around her!” christen confessed, feeling herself starting to get worked up. 

“christen, babe, you need to see her and be normal. i’m forcing this to happen. you’re both my friends and i want to hang out with both of you at the same time, is that too much to ask?” 

“yes alexandra, yes it really is. please let me be a mess in peace. i’ll see her when i’m forced to,” christen said, not wanting to remind ali that she actually did have a class with tobin three times a week. they had used to sit next to each other, but the past two classes tobin had sat alone towards the back. 

“okay, your choice. but will you hang out with me and a couple friends tonight?” christen thought it over. she was sure this was a set up, if she knew anything about ali. girl was a sweetheart, but sneaky. 

“who?” ali rolled her eyes. 

“ash, kelley, a few other people. not tobin, happy?” yes, yes she was happy. 

“alright, fine. what are you doing?” 

“going out to dinner, not sure where. somewhere cheap, though,” ali said. 

“okay, you got me. sounds like fun.” 

ali smiled, she’d won this one. 

a few hours later, christen and ali were getting ready for the night out. they were blasting the soundtrack to mamma mia, which they’d found out they had a shared love of. they were singing along much too loudly, sure that at any moment carli would come busting in and tell them to turn it down. although they were going somewhere fairly casual, christen agreed to let ali do her makeup, so long as it was light. as ali poked at christen with an eyeshadow brush, christen began to regret agreeing to this. 

“what are your plans for halloween?” ali asked, which christen found a bit odd, seeing as it was only september. 

“none yet. you?” 

“we’ll see. did the whole franklin street thing last year, honestly just wasn’t a good time. might just stay on campus,” ali said, starting to work on christen’s eyeliner. “okay, you gotta be super still,” ali instructed her. christen was reminded of all the times back home julie had done her makeup, many of those times being against christen’s will. when it came to makeup, she was a simple girl. mascara and eyebrows. that was all. she knew what worked, and didn’t like to change up her routine. julie had loved to spend hours trying new things, and christen had put up with it out of love. she’d never admit it, but she was kind of thankful ali was doing the same. she felt at home. 

“i’ll probably do the same, i guess,” christen said, trying to remain as still as possible as she spoke, not wanting to mess up ali’s handiwork. after a couple minutes of redoing, ali was satisfied. 

“you look amazing! gosh, i’m good…” she trailed off, turning around to grab her phone and wallet. christen checked herself out in the floor length mirror. 

“yeah, you are good! if you ever meet julie, don’t tell her, but you’re a lot better. and more gentle,” christen confided. ali laughed. 

“we follow each other on instagram, i’m dming her tonight, bet.” christen laughed at her roommates antics. 

“good luck, girl can fight. but also… you’d win. probably.” 

“bitch, please, definitely. alright, lets go, were gonna be late.” they made their way outside to the parking lot where ashlyn was meeting them. when ashlyn arrived and the girls had already gotten in her car and she was driving to the restaurant, she broke the news. 

“so, christen, just a warning,” ashlyn didn’t even get to finish her sentence, christen knew where she was going. 

“oh god, ali, i’m not prepared for this!” christen said, leaning over the center console to be closer to her friends. “you said she wouldn’t be here!” 

“yeah, i did,” ali said, glaring at ashlyn. “babe, what?” ashlyn shrugged in the drivers seat. 

“dude, you had to know it’d happen. kelley invited her. she doesn’t know about all this, she’s kelley,” ashlyn explained. 

“yeah, fair point,” ali agreed, and poor christen didn’t even know kelley enough to be angry or not. she was just going to suck it up and be mature. 

at the restaurant christen felt her nerves start to rise. she didn’t even have a reason to be nervous, both girls had agreed on being friends, so why was she so anxious? the three girls were sat down at a large table in the back, with lindsey, emily and alex who’d arrived already. christen chose to sit next to lindsey, the two in solidarity as not-soccer-players-but-roomies-of-players. a couple minutes later, kelley and tobin walked in. of course, tobin looked great. she was dressed in jeans and a low cut plain white tee, and christen swore no one had ever looked better. luckily, ali had already taken the seat directly across from christen, so she didn’t have to worry about tobin sitting there. at the same time, she was disappointed at how far away tobin was. _god chris, make up your mind_, she thought, angry at herself. dinner flowed easily, and christen found that once again, she didn’t feel left out around all the soccer girls. she realized lindsey and emily were much closer than she’d previously thought, and were fucking hilarious together. emily was currently a few minutes into the story of how lindsey thought she broke their mini fridge on move in day. __

_ _“so, i hadn’t even gotten there yet, and she calls me, sobbing, freaking out like ’emily, oh my god, please don’t be mad but i broke the mini fridge,’ and i’m like, lindsey, what happened, why do you think its broken?” lindsey cut in. _ _

_ _“so em tells me to just calm down and wait until she gets there to take care of it, because i’m ‘blowing things out of proportion’ or something. which i wasn’t. i thought i had broken our mini fridge, which was super important!” lindsey was gesturing wildly, and christen couldn’t help but laugh at the dramatics. _ _

_ _“so anyway, i get to campus and find the dorm, and reminder, lindsey and i had never actually met before this. we’d been talking, but this was our first time meeting in person. so i walk in and she’s sitting on the floor, crying and staring at the wall,” emily lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “poor baby was a little stressed,” she explained, before bringing her voice back to its normal almost yell. “so i sit down with her, and i’m like ‘ok, nice to meet you, let’s figure this out,’ i take one look at the refrigerator and fix it. lindsey literals forgot to plug in the power strip. that was all. keep in mind that horan here was an honors student with a 4.0. i seriously have no idea how she can be so smart but such a dumbass!” lindsey hung her head in mock shame as emily finished the story, every girl at the table laughing at the thought of lindsey crying over a mini fridge. through her laughter, christen glanced down towards the end of the table, briefly locking eyes with tobin. the older girl smiled at her, and christen quickly looked down at her plate. _ _

_ _after dinner, the group of girls decided to walk to ben & jerry’s for ice cream. lindsey got roped into giving sonny a piggy back ride, and christen and ali danced down the sidewalk singing mamma mia, still stuck in their heads from earlier that night. the four sophomores laughed at their younger friends, eventually all joining in for a rather out of breath rendition of dancing queen. christen hadn’t known alex as more than a face at the start of the night, but by the end the two had bonded over their shared enjoyment of yoga, love of taylor swift, and many tried and failed attempts at vegetarianism. as the girls were saying goodnight and heading to their cars, alex suggested she and christen go to a yoga class on saturday. _ _

_ _“theres this cute little studio, it’s about thirty minutes away but i think it’s totally worth it,” alex said, as if she even had to convince christen. _ _

_ _“of course, sounds fantastic!” christen was entering her number into alex’s phone, happy to be making more friends and getting closer with alex. _ _

_ _“i’ll pick you up at nine. i’m so excited, none of these guys will ever go with me!” christen laughed, unable to imagine any of the soccer girls doing yoga with alex. _ _

_ _“hey, kelley and i went with you once! i believe your exact words were ‘never, ever, ever again’ so you really can’t say we won’t go with you, its more we were so disruptive that we aren’t allowed!” tobin interjected, and christen laughed harder at the idea of tobin and kelley trying to be peaceful and mindful for a whole hour. _ _

_ _“whatever, i tried,” alex said, waving goodnight and climbing into her car. when they reached ashlyn and tobin’s cars, parked next to each other, everyone exchanged goodnight hugs. christen hugged kelley briefly, and then tobin was standing in front of her. after a brief moment of awkward eye contact, tobin pulled christen in for the softest hug humanly possible. she did not want to push to hard, and christen didn’t either. they were both walking on eggshells, timid and shy. but then tobin whispered a husky “goodnight, chris” into christen’s ear, and christen knew she was done for. _i give it a month at most,_ christen thought, wondering how much longer she could go on being just friends. ___ _

_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _it was two weeks before tobin and christen hung out again, and when they did, it wasn’t even on purpose. christen had continued to avoid tobin, but she did miss her, and had very little willpower or self control when it came to the girl, so when she ran into her, christen welcomed it with open arms. she’d expected to spend the night with the quiet of her own mind, not anyone else. christen was sitting on the floor of the library, trying to prepare for ‘just a quiz that won’t effect the grade’ in psych tomorrow. it was fairly early on a thursday night, and outside it was pouring rain. there was a hurricane hitting off the coast, and chapel hill was getting hit with the outer bands. she’d been studying in the library for the last few hours, in almost total silence save for the steady beating of the rain outside. her peace and quiet was interrupted by loud voices, much too loud for a library. she looked up from her textbook, ready to shoot a glare to whoever was interrupting her. she was met with a few soccer girls, three of them which christen recognized. tobin, alex, and kelley. the group of soccer girls sat down at a table in the middle of the library, lowering their voices to a whisper as the librarian gave them a disapproving glare. aren’t they supposed to be in practice right now? christen was confused as to why student athletes would willingly spend time in the library. especially tobin. _oh, rain, right_. she tried and failed to refocus in on her textbook, unable to ignore that her heart was beating just a bit faster now that she knew tobin was near by. ___ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _about ten minutes later, a foot nudged her knee. she looked up to see tobin grinning like a little kid, before sitting down next to her. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“excited for the long weekend?” tobin asked, and christen looked up at her, confused. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“what long weekend?” christen whispered, not wanting to be on the librarians bad side. ms. frannel had been leaving the library open late for christen and a few other students who’d been frequenting the library often, as long as they were well behaved and working. she didn’t want to lose her spot as one of the generally cranky librarians favorite students. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you didn’t hear? we’re having a soft evacuation for the hurricane, classes tomorrow and any weekend events are cancelled. a lot of locals went home,” tobin explained, a bit too loudly for christen’s liking. the librarian seemed occupied and didn’t care, thankfully. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“oh. makes sense. you gonna go home?” tobin shook her head. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“not worth it, too expensive. i’ll be fine here, you know we aren’t in any real danger. the university is being dramatic,” tobin whispered, starting to quiet down a bit. christen laughed quietly. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, you’re right. well i guess i don’t need to study for this psych quiz that was tomorrow...” tobin picked up a few of christen’s papers and read over them. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“dude, you’re gonna be fine anyway. this stuff is easy and your notes are looking great. you should take a break, do something fun, this is a hurricane not a funeral,” tobin said. christen smiled. she’d missed this girl a lot. more than she’d like to admit. in the past two weeks she’d hung out with mainly ali, ashlyn, emily, moe and lindsey, and even gone to yoga class with alex a second time. she’d been having a great time, but she really only wanted to see tobin. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“alright, fair point. but bad analogy. you gonna hang out with me, then?” christen asked hopefully. tobin smiled, and started packing up christen’s work materials before christen could even do so herself _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“bold of you to assume you were going to have a choice. let’s go,” she instructed, zipping up christen’s backpack. she threw the backpack over her own shoulder instead of giving it to christen, and then pulled christen up by the arm. she turned back to the table of soccer gals and waved casually. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“you in the room tonight kell?” she asked her roommate. kelley looked down, sheepishly. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“uh... no. i’m going to sonnett and lindsey’s,” she admitted. _interesting,_ thought christen. she knew for a fact lindsey had been planning to go home for the weekend to her parents in raleigh, so she’d probably already left now that classes tomorrow were cancelled. she knew lindsey thought sonnett and kelley would be cute together, and was probably ecstatic to be leaving them an open room for a long weekend. she couldn’t help but think back to the night they all got dinner. kelley and emily had seemed to be sharing flirty smiles, but who could tell with girls. everything was so confusing. alex was looking at kelley, obviously more than a little suspicious. ___ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“okay... have fun!” tobin said, winking. she and christen headed out the library doors. “i think she and sonny are screwing,” tobin declared, pulling christen in with one arm. rain pelted down on them, in large drops. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“vulgar. but yeah. lindsey is back home for the weekend,” she provided, feeling like she was sharing a deep secret with tobin. tobin thew her head back and laughed. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“well.... hey, at least she’s getting over alex. those were some dark days. oh, by the way, ali and ash are heading to ali’s families for the weekend. ali told me to tell you.” christen nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“guess we’re both on our own tonight,” she said, before realizing it could be taken suggestively. but tobin was tobin, she was good. she wouldn’t do anything. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yup. we’re going on an adventure,” tobin said, eyes sparkling. she lead christen to her jeep, opening the door for her. both girls were soaked. tobin got in on the other side and finally gave christen a good one over. she was looking hard. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“what?” christen asked, laughing. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“are you wearing my sweatshirt? i’ve been looking for that for weeks. christen, you thief!” christen laughed again, and realized she was indeed wearing tobins sweatshirt. she’d subconsciously started wearing it whenever she was feeling down, or needed a hug. or just because. usually just because. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i like it, back off. you can have it back if you’re nice to me. maybe,” she offered, knowing full well tobin was not getting it back. tobin knew as well. the older girl shook her head and shifted the car into drive, heading away from the library. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“where are we going?” christen realized that when she was with tobin, she rarely knew what was happening. in the past, this kind of scenario would have upset her, but she felt surprisingly okay with it. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“is it okay if we go to the field? i know it’s raining so you can say no... but we didn’t get to practice and it’s not lightning and-“ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“sure,” christen cut her off. “i actually really miss soccer.” tobin smiled. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“field it is. you better show me those all conference skills.” _how did tobin even know? what_? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _a few minutes later they arrived at the practice field. it was still pouring, and the sky was darkening. the girls got out of tobins jeep, embracing the feel of the rain on their faces. tobin pulled a key out of her soccer bag and let them in through the fence. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“does anyone know you have that key?” christen asked, quite suspiciously. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“maybe. maybe not. what’s it to you?” tobin said, winking. she pulled a ball out of her bag and threw the bag under a sheltered bench. with no warning, she punted the ball into the air. christen giggled and ran after it. even without playing in almost five months, christen was fast. she’d always been a good sprinter. she’d never felt more alive than she did in the moment, running into the wind and the rain, bright lights illuminating the field. it felt like a fever dream, one where everything feels too real. she trapped the ball before it could hit the ground, running away with it as tobin chased after her. of course, she was out of practice and tobin was able to steal the ball fairly quickly. the two played keep away for a while, tobin winning for the most part. even though she was losing, and obviously out of shape, christen hadn’t laughed so hard in a while. hadn’t smiled so big. even though she was soaking wet, and rain was pouring harder by the minute, she didn’t want to be anywhere else. shielding the balm with her body, christen tried to dribble away from tobin. the rain got the best of her, and she tripped on the slippery ball. she landed on her but on the ground, laughing all the while. tobin reached out her hands to pull christen back to standing. she didn’t let go. christen wanted to hold these hands forever. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“chris?” realizing she had zoned out, and just been staring at tobin for who knows how long, still holding on to both her hands. this was the most beautiful girl in the world. christen still hadn’t said anything. “chris? you okay?” tobin asked, starting to get a little worried. christen took a step closer, bringing them face to face. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i’m great. i’m really good, i’m-“ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _and she wasn’t sure which one of them really initiated it, but they were kissing. she was pretty sure it was tobin, because she couldn’t remember taking the final step to close the gap. not that it mattered, because tobins hands were in her hair, pulling her closer, and she realized her own were doing the same. she couldn’t get close enough. she noticed was how gentle tobin was. everyone she’d ever kissed before, boy or girl, had been aggressive and sloppy. tobin was gentle. a sweet press of lips on lips, not asking for anymore. but christen wanted more. she deepened it, opening her mouth for tobin. this was really happening. tobin slipped her tongue in, and even then she was gentle. rain poured on them, making the kiss much wetter. finally, when she needed to catch her breath, it was christen who pulled back. tobin placed her hands on christen’s cheeks, stroking gently. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“tobin,” christen whispered. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“christen,” tobin replied. christen leaned in, and pressed her lips to tobins once more. tobins arms moved down to her waist, holding her close. christen waited to feel that signature panic rise in her stomach, but it didn’t come. she pulled back from kissing tobin, and they just looked at each other for a moment. christen felt herself start to shiver, the rain was becoming cold and uncomfortable. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i think we should go inside,” tobin said, grabbing christen’s hand. they walked together back to tobins jeep, throwing her soccer bag in the back. once in the car, tobin leaned across the console and kissed christen again. it was addicting, this was all christen ever wanted to do for the rest of her life. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“want me to drop you off at your dorm?” tobin asked. christen was slightly disappointed at the idea of tobin leaving her. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“or you could stay with me? someone in my floor group chat says we’re doing movie night in the common room and you and i could go,” she suggested, rambling a little. tobin kissed her again, soft as ever. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“okay. but you better be providing dry clothes. i’m talking high school christen press merch. now that you’ve soaked mine,” tobin said, running the material of christen’s (tobins) soaked sweatshirt under her hands. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“done,” christen said through laughing. she was giddy. tobin held her hand almost the whole drive back to christen’s dorm, only pulling away to shift gears. christen looked over at tobin, who was concentrating on driving in the dark and pouring rain. christen thought back to meeting tobin, and thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world. she still felt the same, more if possible. she was brought back to reality by tobin putting the jeep into park, the car lurching forward as it always did when it stopped. tobin grabbed her soccer bag, and christen her backpack, and the two practically sprinted inside. they were cold, wet, and shivering, but still laughing as they ran up the stairs and down the halls to get to christen’s room. once they were inside, christen felt a shift in the air. suddenly she was nervous, but she tried to push it down. everything is okay, tobin won’t hurt you, she thought. when she looked up from the floor tobin was already going through her drawers. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“finding anything good?” christen asked. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i think it’s possible you have more UNC merch than i do. and that’s saying a lot,” tobin said. when christen had first gotten to chapel hill, she’d hit up all the local thrift stores to get UNC shirts for cheap. who said school spirit had to be first hand? _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“you’re looking in the wrong drawer, dumbass. stop pilfering,” christen said, opening her top drawer and pulling out a pair of sweats for both herself and tobin, a UNC sweatshirt for herself, and a PVHS soccer hoodie for tobin. as promised. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“ah, is this the high school era press merch?” tobin asked, flipping over the sweatshirt to see press written on the top, and below it the number 23. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yup, very exclusive. high demand. you’re lucky you got any,” she joked, starting to wrestle her way out of tobins wet sweatshirt. she then remembered the only thing she had on underneath was a sports bra, which she would also have to change. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“um, tobin?” she asked, her voice timid. tobin looked up from the pile of clothes she was holding. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah?” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“could you, um, would you mind going to the bathroom to change? its just down the hall and i know it’s weird because i’ve already changed in front of you but i just-“ tobin realized christen was on a ramble, and needed to stop her. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“chris, hey, of course i will. you don’t need to explain yourself to me. i don’t want to do anything that makes you even the tiniest bit uncomfortable,” tobin said, and christen felt her heart burst just a little bit. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“thanks,” christen whispered. tobin crossed the room and placed a gentle kiss on christens forehead. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i’ll be right back,” she said, grabbed her soccer bag, and left christen’s dorm. christen took a deep breath. so far, so good. she made quick work of changing out of her soaked clothes and into clean, dry ones. she threw her wet clothes in the laundry basket and sat down on her bed, pulling out her phone. a minute or two later, she heard a knock on the door. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“chris, can i come in?” it was tobin. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah,” christen yelled back. she sat up and threw her legs over the side of the bed. the door opened, and tobin walked in. christen almost melted on the spot, tobin looked so soft. her hair was down, still wet and starting to curl at the ends. she was wearing glasses, which christen had never seen her in. and to top it all off, she looked so cozy and cute in christen’s clothes. christen extended her hands and waved tobin over like a child would. tobin smirked and made her way across the room, positioning herself in between christen’s legs. christen wrapped her arms around tobins shoulders, and tobin wrapped her own around christen’s waist. christen sighed happily, content just being there for the moment. tobin pressed her lips ever so gently to christen’s forehead, both cheeks, nose, and finally mouth. it only lasted a second or two, and she pulled back to look christen in the eyes. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i didn’t know you wore glasses,” christen whispered. tobin smiled, and stroked christen’s cheek with her finger tips. she kissed christen’s cheek, so softly, barely a feather brushing on her skin. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah. i wear contacts almost all the time,” tobin explained, continuing to press soft kisses all over christen’s face. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“oh. well, i think you look cute,” christen whispered, her voice shy and shaky. she loved the attention tobin was giving her at the moment, she felt so wanted. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“so when’s this movie thing?” tobin asked, leaning back a bit. christen checked her phone to see what time it was. it was 10:30, and gabby in the group text said the movie would start at 10. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“i think they were starting around 10, you wanna go now?” christen asked, hopping down from her bed. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“sure, lead the way,” tobin said. christen grabbed a blanket off her bed, then tobins hand, and guided them out of the dorm. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _they arrived in the common room about fifteen minutes into the movie. someone had brought a mini projector, and ratatouille was being projected on the white cinderblock wall. students had moved the couches and beanbags around it in a half circle. christen spotted kelley and emily, much to her delight, and lead tobin over towards them. emily waved as they tried to quietly settle in without disturbing anyone. tobin’s eyes went directly to emily’s lap, where one kelley o’hara was cuddled up. tobin raised her eyebrows at kelley, who chose to ignore her, as did emily. tobin sat down on the floor with her back against the couch, and motioned for christen to join her. christen was about to sit down next to tobin, but the older girl had other plans. she pulled christen into her lap, draping the blanket over both of them in the process. christen giggled and rested her head on tobin’s shoulder, enjoying the feel of strong arms wrapped around her. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _throughout the movie, christen began to grow sleepy. she felt her eyelids get heavy, and put more of her weight on tobin’s shoulder. tobin would move only to kiss christen on the forehead every once in a while, which made the younger girl feel so safe and cared for. she’d thrown her arms around tobin’s waist, holding on loosely as she drifted in and out of sleep. tobin glanced over in the direction of emily and kelley, noticing how emily was playing with kelley’s hair. whatever the emily/kelley relationship was, she was relieved to see kelley happy. her roommate deserved the world and more. she turned her attention back to christen, who was possibly the cutest thing she’d ever seen, cuddled up in her lap and sleeping soundly. the end credits of the movie started to play, so tobin shook christen awake gently. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“chris, babe, movies over,” tobin whispered, unable to stop the nickname from slipping out. it just felt so natural, like it would have been harder not to say it than to say it. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“what?” christen mumbled, taking a moment to adjust to her surroundings. “oh, sorry…” christen apologized, cheeks turning red. tobin kissed the flushed skin of her cheeks, resisting from kissing every spot of skin exposed to her. there would be a time and a place. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“don’t apologize, you looked cute,” tobin kissed her nose, unable to stop kissing christen’s sleepy face. “do you wanna go to sleep?” she asked, wondering if it was appropriate to ask if she could stay the night. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, i do. let’s go back.” christen stood up, and pulled tobin up after. they waved at kelley and emily, who waved back. tobin definitely winked at kelley, who pretended not to see. the two walked down the long hallway to christen’s room. once at the door, neither knew if they should say goodnight now or not. both knew what they wanted, but were unsure whether the other felt the same. christen broke the silence. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“stay tonight? i don’t want you walking back in the dark. especially while it’s raining,” christen reasoned, her voice barely above a whisper. tobin nodded. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“yeah, okay. if you want i’ll sleep in ali’s bed,” tobin offered. christen thought it over for a moment as she opened her door. it made her so happy that tobin even thought to say that, she knew this girl cared about her a whole lot. she was clearly weary of christen’s boundaries. christen wanted to express how much she appreciated that. but for now, she was feeling good and safe. her body was at peace, and her mind was only focused on the present. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“not unless you want to,” christen said, climbing up into her own bed. she realized she hadn’t brushed her teeth, washed her face, or taken any of her pills. but she was so tired, and just wanted tobin to hold her. “tobin?” she whispered, not sure where tobin had decided to sleep. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“right here. was putting my glasses away,” tobin whispered, and proceeded to climb into christen’s bed. she laid down on her side, and christen turned to face the girl who’d taken up every spare thought for the past month. nearly asleep, she scooted forward and pressed her lips to tobin’s. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“thank you, tobs,” christen whispered, and kissed her again. tobin smiled into the kiss, and stroked some of christen’s hair out of her face. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“for what?” she asked, curious as to what christen was thanking her for. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _“everything, all of it,” christen whispered before letting sleep take her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna come be my friend on tumblr pls do, im super bored and nice (@sonny-flowerr) 
> 
> comments? predictions? pineapple upside down cake?


	7. chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's nice to have a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally learning how to use AO3, thanks to the anons who came tf through on tumblr, big shoutouts to yall. 
> 
> anyhow enjoy

chapter six:

christen was startled awake by a crash of thunder. she rubbed her eyes and took in her surroundings. most notably, tobin. the girl sleeping next to her looked smaller than she did when awake, a childish look of peace resting on her face. they were cramped close to each other, christen’s twin bed not leaving much room to move. she spent a few minutes listening to the sound of the rain and watching tobin sleep. christen had always loved the sound of rain. the steady sound of a good rainy night had been her favorite thing to fall asleep to as a child, and today she loved it even more. the sky was starting to grow lighter, a beautiful light pink, making christen wonder what time it was. christen sat up in bed to check the clock on her bedside.

6:55 am.

too early. she snuggled back down into her warm bed, tucking her head into the space between tobin’s head and shoulder. tobin must have been half awake herself, or maybe just sensed christen’s presence, because she rolled on her side and wrapped an arm around christen’s waist, pulling her in closer. the last thing christen remembered before drifting off again was a light press of lips to her forehead. _yeah, this was good._

the next time christen woke up, tobin was awake next to her, playing a game on her phone.

“morning,” christen whispered. tobin put her phone down and pulled christen in close.

“morning. sleep good?” tobin asked, using the arm that wasn’t holding christen to stroke her hair gently. _how was this girl so soft?_ christen hadn't expected this at all when she first met tobin. based on tobin's demeanor, she'd half expected a frat boy type, vulgar and rude. not the girl who’d barely stopped holding since last night. caught up in her own thoughts, christen realized she was taking much too long to answer tobin's very simple question.

“good, you?” she answered, snuggling her head into tobin's chest.

“yeah, besides the thunder, not a huge fan of that.”

“really?” christen asked. “i’ve always loved falling asleep to rain. i love thunderstorms.” she could feel tobin shaking her head. 

“lucky you, i’ve always been kinda scared of them,” tobin admitted. 

“tobin heath, scared of thunderstorms?” she asked, gasping for dramatic effect.

“oh gosh, don’t make fun of me. yes, but you can’t tell anyone. especially not kelley. or ash. or alex. or anyone, no one,” tobin said, slapping her hand to her forehead in mock annoyance. christen laughed and leaned up to kiss tobin on the cheek.

“your secret is safe with me, i promise.”

“better be. and if you ever try to go back on that, just a reminder that i’ve seen you puke after two shots. in the middle of the street. and i won’t hesitate to share this information,” tobin said, and christen could hear the smile on her face without even looking at her. 

“tobin, are you blackmailing me? this is not the way to start off a healthy relationship,” she joked, realizing a moment later that she’d just called it a relationship. _oh fuck._ they hadn’t even been on a date or anything, for all she knew tobin just wanted to be friends with benefits. of course, christen’s rational side knew that wasn’t true. but her more prominent anxiety side didn’t, and that was the side that did most of the thinking. “or, i mean, friendship. whatever,” she tried to recover. tobin sat up and looked christen in the eyes.

“i can’t believe you’re trying to friend zone me! absolutely not chris, nope. not today,” tobin said, swatting christen with a pillow for added effect. christen laughed and shielded herself from the attack. 

“i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page before...” she trailed off, and tobin spoke for her.

“chris, will you go on a date with me?” christen grinned. of course she would. _oh, i need to tell her that, don’t i._

“if i must, but it better be fun,” she replied sarcastically. tobin rolled her eyes.

“god, don’t sound too excited,” she said, climbing out of christen’s bed. christen's body was cold, mourning the loss of tobin to keep her warm. 

“are you leaving?” christen asked, frowning.

“chris, dude, i gotta go back to my dorm. i desperately need to brush my teeth. and shower. and change clothes,” tobin said, looking around the room for her glasses and shoes. when she found them, she made her way back to christen’s bed, where christen was still sitting, looking sort of like a kicked puppy. she leaned up to place a soft, quick kiss on christen’s cheek.

“can i come back in like an hour? and take you on a date?” tobin asked. christen blushed, she was so far gone for this girl already.

“sure. where to?”

“don’t know. we’ll see,” tobin said, walking away. she picked up her soccer bag and stopped just before walking out the door. “bye chris, i’ll see you soon.”

“bye tobin,” christen said, barely able to form words she was grinning so much.

as soon as christen’s door shut, she flopped back on her bed, laughing to herself. she took a minute to process the events of the last 15 or so hours. a lot of tobin. a lot of kisses. a lot of cuddles. it all felt right. she figured she needed to call julie as soon as possible. after all, julie had become about as invested in tobin and christen getting together as christen herself. she checked the time, and realized it was only around seven for julie. so instead of calling right away, she forced herself out of bed. christen grabbed her bathroom caddy and headed down the hall to the bathroom. as luck would have it, she ran into kelley, who was still in the building from spending the night with emily.

“oh, uh, hey kelley!” christen said, sounding chipper. she rarely sounded this happy in the morning, at least not without caffeine. kelley looked up from where she was washing her face, water and soap dripping down her neck. 

“well, aren’t you happy this morning,” kelley said with a smirk. her hair was messy and eyes barely open. she looked like she hadn’t gotten much, or any, sleep that night. there were also quite a few hickeys poking out from the collar of her tee shirt. they were fresh, bright purple and pink, and did not go unnoticed by christen. 

“yup, could say the same about you. liking it here in hinton james?” christen asked in a teasing tone, obviously insinuating more.

“mmm, yes. loving it. so, is my roommate still here?” kelley asked bluntly. christen was taken slightly off guard, but then again there was no real reason to skirt around the subject. kelley had definitely seen them last night, and tobin had surely talked about her before. 

“uh, nope. she just left. probably at your place by now,” christen supplied, and kelley nodded. christen stood silently as kelley dried her face and turned to face her, hands on her hips. 

“okay, i don’t know you very well, but i do know tobin. i’ve known her since we were like thirteen. so, i mean, she’s my person. and she deserves the world-“ christen cut her off, sensing where this talk was going. 

“are you going to tell me not to hurt her or some shit?” she asked, wanting nothing more than for this conversation, whatever it was, to be over. 

“oh, no. i figured you’re smart enough to not do that. i was going to say that she’s good. she’s fucking awesome, which i’m sure you know. she’s my best friend, ya know, and i feel like i wouldn't be doing my job as hers if i didn't tell you that. she's one of the greatest people i know, so treat her right.” christen was more than a little confused by kelley’s rambling, but she got the general idea.

“yeah... she is great. i really don’t wanna mess it up,” christen said, realizing only after the words came out of her mouth that she wasn’t totally sure she should have shared that with tobin's roommate and best friend. thankfully, kelley just laughed and patted christen on the shoulder.

“oh, no. you won’t. if anything she will. my girl is the greatest, but she’s a little dumb sometimes. just give her time if she needs it and everything will be okay. and hey, i’ll definitely side with her every time, but you can talk to me if you need anything,” kelley offered, and christen could tell she was being genuine. she was strangely thankful for this uncomfortable bathroom encounter.

“thanks, kelley. it means a lot.”

“no problem. well, i’ve got an emily to get back to so.... have a good one, i’m sure i’ll see you around!” kelley turned on her heels to head out.

“i’m sure!” christen laughed. after kelley left, christen took a long shower, much longer than usual. she finally brushed her teeth, realizing how nasty she felt. around forty-five minutes later, she was back in her dorm, trying to find some clothes for the day. she had no idea what she and tobin would end up doing, so she settled on casual. she pulled on yoga pants and a UNC basketball shirt she’d found at the goodwill. when she finished brushing her hair and forcing it into a braid, she checked her phone, and realized tobin would be back to get her soon. calling julie would have to wait. instead, she settled on texting her.

christen press: miss you JJ! call me later. 

she had barely hit send when she heard a knock on the door. she jumped down from her bed to answer, opening the door to see a smiling, freshly showered tobin heath.

“hey chris. miss me?” christen grinned and shook her head. 

“nope. i had kelley to talk to.” tobin looked surprised.

“kelley? you saw her? more about that later, but first off, are you wearing UNC _basketball_ merch? really chris? i feel betrayed,” tobin said, shaking her head in mock disappointment.

tobin stepped inside christen’s room, and christen closed the door behind them, then went to find some shoes.

“hey, you get me soccer merch and _then_ you can complain if i don’t wear it. not my fault i havn't found any,” christen shot back.

“literally just come to my dorm. between me and kell it’s 90% soccer stuff.” tobin raised her eyebrows at christen, hoping christen would take her up on the not so subtle invite to stay over. 

“you do realize you basically just gave me permission to steal your clothes. you’re gonna regret this later,” christen warned.

“eh, it’s worth it. anyway, kelley?” tobin asked.

“yeah. ran into her in the bathroom, did you see her at your dorm?” christen asked, wondering if kelley had left yet, or if she and emily were still... having fun.

“nope. she texted me this morning though, and i quote ‘don’t fuck it up christen’s hot,’ which i appreciated very much but also found weird considering she never tells me anything about emily, or alex, or whatever.” christen raised her eyebrows.

“alex? something actually happened there?” she slid on some old vans and grabbed her wallet. “ready?” she asked. tobin nodded and grabbed her hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

“yup.” the two headed out to tobins jeep. “yeah, pretty much all of freshman year kelley had a huge crush on alex. and alex is like, the straightest girl ever. like i literally don’t understand how someone is so straight. anyway, one night, like just before summer break, her boyfriend had broken up with her. she and kelley and i all hung out and got super drunk, and at some point in the night the two of them kissed. i have zero memory of this, but apparently it happened. so over the summer it was super weird, and ya know, alex got back with her boyfriend and kelley was upset, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. she’s been hung up on alex for so fucking long, i don’t really care what she does now as long as she’s happy. so i guess what she's doing now to be happy is emily, whatever they are,” tobin said, and christen took a second to process all that information.

“wow. so... alex just drunk straight girled kelley?” tobin gave christen a confused look.

“i mean... never heard someone use it as a verb, but yeah. basically.” tobin unlocked her car for christen to climb in, heading around to the drivers side.

“oh tobin, you’ve gotta call it what it is. my high school was full of those girls.” tobin laughed.

“poor you.”

“yeah, right? anyway... where are we going?” tobin shrugged.

“i could use some breakfast, i know a good spot,” tobin told her. christen nodded, her stomach growling was enough of an agreement.

about ten minutes later they pulled into a small restaurant called breadman’s, a UNC staple according to tobin. once inside, they were seated in a small wooden booth in the corner. the rain outside had slowed to a drizzle, and it felt cozy and warm in the restaurant.

“hey, that’s you!” christen whisper-yelled excitedly. she pointed to a UNC soccer poster on the wall behind them. it was one of many, all repping different UNC sports teams. tobin lightly blushed and laughed, putting a hand over the poster to cover her face. 

“yeah, guess it is. bad picture isn’t it?” she said, looking down at the menu.

“not at all. you look hot. and you know it, don’t you.” tobin looked up from her menu and winked, but didn’t say anything. the waitress came over a moment later, taking both their orders. after tobin handed her the menus and thanked her, she looked back at christen.

“you’re looking at me weird. what’s up?” tobin asked. christen smiled and shook her head.

“nothing. i’m just _on a date_ with tobin heath, that’s all. kinda lucked out didn’t i?” christen said, giggling like a child. tobin rolled her eyes.

“i’m just glad you didn’t listen to ali and ash,” tobin retorted, and christen opened her mouth to protest. “oh don’t even, i know they told you not to go for anything with me weeks ago, ash told me everything when she came over after talking to you.” christen was a little shocked, all this time tobin had known the reason she was pulling away.

“i mean i kinda listened to them. i waited a while, and i made friends so...” she trailed off. tobin grinned, unable to hold it back.

“and then before realizing how much better you could do, decided to go for me anyway?”

“exactly,” christen said sarcastically. “you know, i was just thinking i’d rather be out with one of the frat guys right now,” she joked, enjoying the way tobin rolled her eyes.

“uh huh, sure. i can see that going really well,” tobin countered, and christen just giggled. she didn’t have anymore snappy comebacks. so instead christen asked how soccer was going, and tobin told her everything was great, except that the captain was out for the next few games with an injury.

“chris, you should have seen it. becky just went in for this tackle, and usually she would have been okay, but her cleat got stuck and her ankle just twisted. it hurt just to watch,” tobin explained, facial expressions showing her pain just remembering.

“god, that must’ve been scary for her. have you had any bad injuries?” christen asked, and quickly realized she probably shouldn’t have asked that, knowing it could be a little bit of a curse for players. “wait, no. don’t answer that. i don’t wanna curse you!” christen insisted, but tobin just laughed.

“nah, you probably won’t. i had a pretty bad break when i was around fifteen. those were my angry years... i wasn’t really taking care of my body, and was playing recklessly. i had it coming. anyway, i was out for almost a year, which didn’t help with the anger. when i came back, i was convinced i’d never get to play in college. but i got my anger under control, really tried in PT, listened to my coaches, and somehow made it here,” tobin explained. christen felt like she had cracked the surface into a deeper level of tobin heath. she was making it past the confident, cool exterior, to see a different version of the girl in front of her. 

“why were you so angry?” christen asked, hoping she wasn’t pushing too far. tobin stared out the window for a moment, deep in thought. before she could answer, their waitress came back over and set down their food. christen took a bite of her pancakes while waiting for tobin to respond, relishing in how delicious they were. leagues beyond dining hall breakfast, that was for sure. tobin was still looking out the window, she hadn’t touched her omelette yet.

“another time, yeah?” tobin asked, taking a bite from her omelette. just as quickly as tobin had started to open up, she was back to confident and cool. christen nodded, regretting asking. she must have shown the regret on her face, because tobin reached across the table and took her hand, stroking the back gently.

“hey, don’t do that. i just don’t wanna bring down our first date with sad tobin backstory,” tobin explained, trying to take a light tone. both girls knew there was more to it than that, but christen nodded and smiled. when tobin was ready, she would get to learn more. christen was so excited for when that day would come, when she could know everything happening in tobin's mind. until that day came, she was content to take what she could get. any time with tobin was already so precious to her.

“okay, i’ll be here to listen,” she promised sincerely, taking in the slightly vulnerable look in tobin's brown eyes. 

“i know you will.”

the two girls just stared at each other for a moment, comfortable in the silence surrounding them. it covered christen like a blanket, one she wanted to cover up with forever. she’d never been so comfortable in silence, so content with not doing anything at all. she hoped tobin felt the same.

it was tobin who broke the silence first.

“how’s the pancakes?” christen grinned.

“amazing. want some?” she slid her plate across the table, closer to tobin, who took a bite.

“mm, i’ll give it an eight out of ten,” tobin declared. christen laughed, wanting to know more about this arbitrary pancake ranking system.

“what’s it gotta do to be a ten?” tobin raised her eyebrows at christen’s question, her eyes brightening. any remaining traces of vulnerability were gone, dashed by excitement.

“oh, chris, you have so much to learn. first of all, waffles are better than pancakes,” she said, and sensing that christen was about to argue with her, raised her hand in protest. “don’t argue with me, i’m not done yet. if we’re talking pancakes, the best pancake in the world is at a diner in my home town, nothing is near close to that.”

“sure, whatever, but go back to the part where you said waffles are better than pancakes. we need to talk about that. first off, you’re wrong,” christen argued.

“christen, sweet, sweet christen. have you ever been to waffle house? or had a hotel waffle? hotel waffles are one of the great wonders of the world,” tobin said, waving her fork at christen. when christen didn’t reply, tobin tried to stare an answer out of her. christen blushed under her gaze. “christen, don’t tell me you’ve never been to a waffle house, please.” christen started laughing, and shook her head in shame.

“i haven’t, believe it or not,” she admitted, watching the look of shock forming on tobin’s face.

“say sike right now. say you’re kidding.” christen laughed harder at how genuinely upset tobin was.

“nope, i wouldn’t lie to you about something so important,” she quipped, continuing to eat her apparently inferior pancakes.

“god, i can’t believe i’m on a date with a girl who hasn’t been to a waffle house,” tobin said, shaking her head sadly. “chris, we’ve gotta change this.”

“alright,” christen agreed, smiling softly. she’d go anywhere tobin asked her, she already knew.

the two stayed in the restaurant for another half hour, laughing and talking about things from soccer to christen’s freshmen sem class. talking was easy, and christen hadn’t laughed so much in years.

christen and tobin parted ways back at hinton james, tobin wanting to go to the gym for a little while and christen wanting to do literally anything other than go to the gym.

“i’ll see you later? can i come over after i work out?” tobin asked christen, who was leaning into the open drivers side window of the jeep. she nodded.

“of course, just text me when you’re done?” tobin looked at her watch, it was around 1 pm.

“yeah. i’ll probably be done in like two hours,” tobin said.

“okay, take your time.” tobin nodded, and leaned out the window to kiss christen on the cheek. christen blushed, loving how tobin always wanted to be touching her. she loved the soft and gentle attention, never making her feel forced or uncomfortable.

“kiss me?” christen asked, giggling a little. tobin rolled her eyes, and placed her hands on christen’s cheeks, pulling her in for a searing kiss. it was hot, and hard, but christen didn’t mind. she hadn’t seen this tobin before, but she realized she didn’t mind it at all. after a few more seconds of the needy kiss, tobin pulled back.

“ill see you later, chris,” she said, before driving away. christen stood rooted to the ground, unable to move just yet. she couldn’t understand how tobin was so soft and gentle, but at the same time could leave christen speechless with one kiss.

“damn,” christen whispered. she was so gone already.

the common room of hinton james was mostly quiet, with a few students entering and exiting periodically. she sat down to finally call julie, who had texted her about seven different times asking why christen had been so silent lately.

“hi julie,” christen greeted.

“christen! I’m so glad you’re calling! i haven’t heard from you in forever, how’re you doing?” wow, that was loaded.

“i’m…. good. how’d rush go?” christen asked, knowing from instagram that julie had gotten into a sorority.

“great! i got into alpha phi, which was my top choice!”

“aw jules, thats awesome!” christen was genuinely happy for her best friend, but was saddened by how they had grown apart. she could feel it starting. it had only been about a month, but she and julie were texting less regularly, and had missed their last few facetime dates. 

“yeah, i’m having a really good time. but i miss you so much. how’re things going?” christen smiled sadly, before remembering that julie couldn’t see her.

“good, i think. classes are good, i think i have a good group of friends. i mean, more than i ever had in high school….” julie laughed. they’d always kept to each other, not needing much else.

“well thats not very hard, is it. hey, did anything ever happen with tobin?” the last julie had heard, christen was interested, but not going for it. christen had done a poor job of keeping her childhood best friend updated, and she felt guilty.

“uh, kind of. i mean, yeah, yes. last night i… we kissed and she spent the night, and this morning she took me to breakfast, so i think we’re dating now, but we’ll see…” christen trailed off, hoping julie would react well.

“christen! thats good, right?”

“yeah, i feel good about it. she’s really good,” christen said, realizing she sounded so repetitive, but really this was all she could say. everything was just good right now, and that was the best way to put it.

“chris, i think this could be really good for you. don’t do that thing where you overthink and fuck it up.” julie always said it like it was. usually it was helpful, but now christen just felt nervous. she hadn’t even had the time to overthink, but now that tobin was gone, she had nothing to stop her from overanalyzing and overthinking the last 24 hours. she felt the familiar cloud settle itself over her body, making itself comfortable as an unwanted house guest. her mood did a total 180, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. 

“yeah jules, i’ll try,” christen promised. the seeds of doubt had already been planted, and the vines were wrapping tightly around christens legs, making their way to her lungs, giving her that familiar feeling of not having enough air. the two talked for another half hour or so, catching up on things. christen mostly listened, not able to contribute much to the conversation. she was feeling trapped. when they hung up, both promised to stay in touch more. christen barely remembered the conversation by the time it was over, all she remembered was julie telling her _not to fuck it up_. her stomach hurt, her mouth was dry, and her hands clammy. she sulked up to her room, crawling into bed and falling asleep, as she used to in high school when things just got to be too much. she fell asleep before she could see the text from tobin.

tobin heath: just got done, can i come over?

(received 2:57)

it was dark outside when christen woke up again, feeling disoriented and groggy. she didn’t know what time it was, or how long she’d been asleep. honestly, she wasn’t even sure what day it was. she fumbled around for her phone, checking the time. 8:46. _shit._ the next thing she noticed was three missed texts from tobin.

tobin heath: just got done, can i come over?

(received 2:57)

tobin heath: chris? you okay?

(received 3:30)

tobin heath: it’s okay if you don’t want to see me tonight, i understand. i can give you space, just tell me what you need, please.

(received 7:30)

“shit!” christen shouted, sitting up in bed. she jumped down from the bed, not sure what she wanted to do first. she didn’t know whether she wanted to call tobin or not. the obvious answer was yes, call her. _don’t fuck it up_, she heard julie say in her head. before she could make a decision, her phone buzzed again.

tobin heath: christen?

(received 8:48)

she turned her phone off and didn’t reply. her limbs felt heavy, like she was tied down to the floor. her body made the decision for her. as if on autopilot, she plugged her phone in to charge, peeled off her socks, and climbed into bed. she didn’t know when she had started crying, but quiet tears were flowing down her cheeks. when she fell asleep, images she hadn’t seen for years flashed through her dreams.

she’d really thought she was okay, she really had.

the bed was damp. that was the first thing christen was aware of. she felt her skin, slick with sweat, slide against the bed sheets. her stomach churned, and her head pounded. she staggered down the hallway to the bathroom, falling on the floor in front of the closest toilet. when she threw up, it was mostly bile, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten since her brunch date with tobin.

_tobin_

christen heaved again, her hair sticking to the sweat and bile on her cheeks. she’d never felt more disgusting. or disgusted. she was disgusted with herself. all it had taken was a simple sentence from julie to send her in a downward spiral, after she had been doing so well. maybe stacy was right, she should go back to therapy. christen heaved emptily one last time, before stripping of her clothes and jumping in a shower. she kept the water cold, as she was still sweating. halfway through rinsing vomit out of her hair, christen realized she had no towel. she hoped the building was empty enough that no one would walk in on her trying to dry off as best she could with paper towels, now shivering instead of sweating. when she was decently dry, she put on her sweat-dampened clothes and rushed back to her dorm. she changed out of the clothes as quickly as she could, hating the feel of damn cloth on her body. she sat down on her floor, tears flowing freely. she wanted to call tobin, but more than that she didn’t want to see tobin at all. if she saw her, she’d mess things up. she was brought out of her mind by a knock on her door.

_please don’t be tobin, please don’t be tobin_, she thought, standing up shakily to answer the door. emily stood on the other side.

“hey emily, what are you doing here? it’s late,” christen asked, trying to sound casual, even though she knew the tears on her face were no doubt giving her away.

“don’t play dumb. also, its not that late. it's eleven. i walked in on you puking, and wanted to make sure you were okay. which you very clearly aren’t,” emily stated. christen hadn’t had any idea that anyone had been in the bathroom with her.

“uh, do you want to come in or something?” christen asked, not totally sure how she was supposed to react in this situation. emily nodded and walked in past christen, who was still in a bit of a daze. christen closed the door and turned to face emily, who had sat down in the chair at christens desk. christen hugged herself tightly and sat down on the floor close to emily, who moved out of the chair to be on the same level as christen. she reached out and placed a hand on christen’s forehead as a mother would if she thought her child was feverish.

“are you sick? you don’t feel too hot…” emily said, removing her hand. christen shook her head.

“not sick. just worried i guess,” she explained, trying to sound casual and play off her current state as better than it really was.

“oh. do you wanna talk about it? i’m actually a really good listener, believe it or not,” emily offered, and christen was grateful. she hadn’t talked to emily much one on one before now. still, she didn’t want to talk about it. she didn’t want more people knowing her inner struggles than absolutely necessary.

“uh, not really, but thanks.”

the two were silent for a minute or so, before emily spoke.

“can i do anything? have you had any water?” christen shook her head. emily stood up.

“i’m gonna get you some water, i’ll be right back.” once emily was in the hall, christen heard voices whispering. it was definitely kelley. she couldn’t decipher any of what they were saying, but both voices sounded urgent and concerned. christen rested her head in her knees until emily returned, holding two bottles of water from the vending machine. she placed one on the back of christens neck, holding it in place for her, and handed her the other to drink. christen was thankful for the gesture. emily reminded christen of herself in this aspect, the way she took care of her friends. but christen had never had someone take care of her like this. not even julie. she’d made a point of keeping her low points hidden from julie, not wanting to drag her down. when she was in high school, she could hide away by going home and staying in her room. college was different. the close quarters had already exposed her. weirdly, she didn’t mind. maybe it was because christen was too emotionally exhausted to care, or maybe she’d just finally succumb to letting herself be taken care of. whatever the reason, she let emily wipe her face with a damp towel. she let emily change the sheets on her bed, which were dampened with sweat. she let emily coax her into bed. for the third time that night, she fell asleep. this time she dreamed of a brown eyed girl holding her tightly, promising not to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> predictions? comments? applesauce? 
> 
> (if you want, drop your predictions, comments, suggestions, etc in my ask box on tumblr! i will def respond! @sonny-flowerr)


	8. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why if i am doing so well  
did i build a wall between me and the world?  
been drilled in my head forever  
be better  
turns out I’m just like everybody else  
don’t even go near a mirror  
it’ll kill ya  
trust me you don’t wanna see yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to whoever commented that christen needs therapy,,,,, lmao yeah she does 
> 
> also my computer deleted this like three times when i tried to edit and post so thats annoying 
> 
> anyhow enjoy

chapter seven:

christen stared at herself in the mirror while brushing her teeth, taking in her messy appearance. her red rimmed eyes had large, puffy bags under them. her lips were chapped from chewing subconsciously. her hair was in the messiest bun she'd ever worn. she looked and felt like shit. she’d woken up early, around six, and hadn’t been able to get back to sleep. for the last hour she’d been trying to feel clean again, first taking a long shower, and then washing her face and brushing her teeth for much longer than usual. when she spat out her toothpaste, blood came with it. christen leaned in closer to the mirror, getting a good look at the damage she'd inflicted. her gums stung, blood seeping out in multiple places. she welcomed the sting when she rinsed her mouth with cold water. her whole body felt like it was on high alert. like she could feel every single thing, but multiplied. more intense. the brush of her hair on her back felt like someone scratching her with a hot metal rod. the water hitting her face felt like a thousand tiny knives. her body was raw and vulnerable, just as her emotions were.

when she got back to her room, christen finally checked her phone. one text from ali, letting her know she and ashlyn were leaving around two or three the next day. no new texts from tobin, but the five from last night she had never responded to. christen typed out a cop out excuse, knowing tobin might be angry. _hey, better late then never._

christen press: sorry tobin, i wasn’t feeling well so i took a nap... and didn’t wake up until now. any plans today?

(sent 7:35)

she set her phone on her desk and went to look for some clean clothes. while searching through the chest of drawers, she realized how badly she needed to do laundry. all her favorite cloths were dirty, including the two sweatshirts she’d stolen from tobin. her eyes passed over the pile of clothes from last night, when emily had helped her change.

_oh, yeah, emily._

christen definitely needed to thank her.

christen press: hey emily! thanks for checking on me last night. really wasn’t feeling well. it meant a lot, you’re the best.

(sent 7:40)

she wasn’t expecting a response given as to how early it was, but her phone buzzed almost immediately.

emily sonnett (lindsey roommate): ain’t no thang CP. hope you’re feeling better!!

(received 7:41)

christen smiled. she had barely spoken to emily one on one before the previous night, but was so thankful for her. it had meant a lot to have someone take care of her without christen asking them to.

christen’s stomach growled, reminding her just how hungry she was. the walk to the dining hall was peaceful, and christen enjoyed the chill resting in the morning air. it was almost october, so she was hoping it would cool down soon. fall was always good for her.

in the dining hall, she was unsure what she wanted to eat. there were so many choices, it was overwhelming. then, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted something. the waffle maker. without thinking, christen walked over and started making a waffle. around ten minutes later, she had a to go box filled with three waffles, and another to go box filled with knives, forks, and butter and syrup packets. the walk to horton wasn't long at all. her legs itched to hurry up and be there, she could barely keep up with herself. when she got to the lobby of the dorm, she realized she didn’t know which room was tobin's. hoping emily was still awake, she sent a quick text asking which room was kelley and tobin's.

emily sonnett (lindsey roommate): it’s 345 or 346. you’ll know, the whiteboard on the door has their names on it usually.

christen typed out a quick thank you, before taking the elevator to the third floor. she walked down the hall, counting the numbers as she went. she stopped at room 346, which had a small whiteboard attached to the door. instead of kelley and tobin's names, like most of the other whiteboards on the floor, it read:

the REAL frat house,

in the sloppy handwriting christen recognized as tobin's. she laughed quietly, and then took a deep breath. she hadn’t ever been to tobin's room sober, and now it felt like such a big deal. she pushed her worried thoughts down, breathing in positivity and exhaling negativity as her old therapist had told her to do. she was feeling better today and wanted to keep it that way. she confidently knocked on the door three times, hoping tobin wouldn’t be mad at christen for bothering her so early. or for not responding the day before. christen heard rustling on the other side of the door, and a groggy voice called out “just a second,” before the door opened. tobin stood in front of her, beautiful as ever, looking like she hadn’t slept all night. her hair was in a bun, loose tendrils falling out and framing her face. she wore only a sports bra and a pair of soccer shorts, not having bothered to cover up before answering the door. christen was silently thankful for that, eyes briefly grazing over tobin's toned abs before she looked up at the older girls face. her eyes were bloodshot like christen’s, with bags almost as large. her lips were chapped as if she’d been chewing on them, something christen recognized from years of seeing it in her own mirror.

“hi tobin,” christen offered, not sure what else to say. _sorry i freaked out because i'm fucked up and thats just what i do. sorry i didn't let you know and left you hanging all night. sorry if you were worried or mad, but hey, at least no one heard you puking._

“sorry for waking you up.” tobin shook her head, her face a picture of confusion, and stepped back so christen could enter her room.

“woah, uh, don’t be sorry. i’m so glad you’re here, chris, come in. are you, uh, you okay?” tobin was stuttering over her words, half because she was still groggy from sleep, half because she was so surprised to see christen.

“i, uh, i texted you, i was sick last night. probably something i ate,” she lied, not needing tobin to know the full extent of her night at the moment. “so, i was in the dining hall and they had waffles… and i thought you might want some breakfast,” christen explained, her voice rushed. tobin looked christen up and down, taking in her appearance. she looked tired, but otherwise good, beautiful. if tobin didn't know her well, she'd assume christen was perfectly fine. it was her eyes that gave her away. they were sad and tired, begging something of tobin, but she didn’t know what. tobin closed the door, leaning back against it after it clicked shut. christen held her breath, unable to make eye contact with tobin. the tension in the room was thick. when christen looked up, tobin was walking towards her. she took the boxes from christen's shaking hands, and placed them on her bed. she turned to face christen again, one hand brushing loose curls out of her eyes and the other on christens flushed cheek. when tobin leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, christen thought she might cry. she felt so guilty, for so many things. she tried to hold in the tears threatening to fall. she focused on the feeling of tobin's lips on hers. she focused on how rough they felt, chapped and peeling. she focused on how gentle tobin was being, mouth staying closed, just a tender press of lips on lips. it was imperfect, and it was exactly what christen needed. tobin broke the kiss, and wrapped strong arms around christen's shoulders, pulling her in close. she rested her head on tobin's shoulder, unable to hug back as her own arms were trapped against her chest, and tobin was holding her so tightly. it felt like she never wanted to let go. of course, she did let go, mostly because she could smell the waffles. as much as tobin wanted to hold christen for as long as possible, she was hungry.

“lets eat, yeah?” tobin asked, climbing up into her bed, and beckoning for christen to follow. she admired the view of tobin's leg muscles flexing as she climbed, before following behind. tobin opened both boxes, grinning at just how many syrup packets christen had brought.

“tobs, thats so much syrup!” christen chastised, laughing at tobin’s obvious glee as she prepared the waffles. christen took a moment to take in tobin’s bed. she’d been there once before, drunk and tired, but she barely remembered anything. tobin’s bed was a mess. the fitted and loose sheets didn’t match, one pale yellow and the other carolina blue. she had no comforter, instead five or so different throw blankets. they ranged from fleece to wool, printed to plain. perhaps most endearing about tobin’s mess of a sleeping space was the sheer amount pillows. most of them were piled at the head, but some were lining the wall as well. it was cozy. messy, but cozy.

“you should have known this would happen. you brought me so much syrup, you've enabled me!” tobin cut a piece with the plastic knife and fork, holding it out for christen. christen giggled, a small and childish sound, before opening her mouth. they sat together, not talking much, just eating together on tobin's small bed. christen couldn’t stop laughing, because tobin insisted on feeding her instead of letting christen have her own fork.

the rain had finally stopped, and christen could see rays of sunshine peak through tobin’s closed curtains. _its gonna be a good day, yeah_, christen thought. she hopped down from tobin’s bed, taking the empty boxes with them. she threw them in the trash can before making her way over to the window, and opening the blinds wide. it was time to let the sun in.

“c’mere,” tobin whispered from above her. christens heart skipped a beat. she silently made her way back into tobin’s bed, settling herself on a fuzzy throw blanket. tobin was leaning back against the ridiculous amount of pillows at the head of her bed, watching christen through hooded eyes.

“can we take a nap?” tobin asked, closing her eyes. christen nodded, then realized tobin couldn’t see her. instead of speaking, she crawled up to the top of the bed, bringing various blankets with her. she covered tobin’s legs, leaving her torso bare. tobin wrapped an arm around christens waist, pulling her in close. christen grabbed a carolina blue fleece blanket, printed with ‘UNC soccer 2018.’ she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, enjoying the now familiar smell of tobin that surrounded her. for a moment christen just admired the girl next to her, watching the rise and fall of her chest. finally, she laid her head down on tobin’s shoulder. she knew she wouldn’t fall asleep, not after sleeping since three pm the previous day. instead of trying, she just enjoyed the warmth of the girl sleeping below her. she let her hand wander, tracing patterns on tobin’s tight abs. though she was half asleep, tobin tightened her hold on christen. she felt so protective over the younger girl, and just wanted to hold her forever and keep her safe from the world. they stayed like this for about a half an hour, christen letting her mind and hand wander while tobin slept. ever so gently, she traced the outline of tobin’s abs, collar bones, chin, and lips. it was mid exploration of the dips in tobin's collar bones that christen realized laying there with tobin was the most intimate thing she thought she'd ever done. it was stronger than sex, stronger than kissing. she felt so safe. when tobin rolled over on to her side and opened her eyes, christen was lost in them. she could get lost in tobin, she could stare all day.

“you’re beautiful,” christen whispered, softly running her finger down tobin’s nose, passing over her lips, and stopping at her chin. tobin shook her head, not saying anything. “no, you are. you know what i thought when i first met you?” christen asked, relishing in the way tobin was running her hands up and down christens side.

“what?” tobin whispered, barely audible.

“i thought you were the most beautiful woman i’d ever met in my whole life,” christen admitted, feeling brave. they were in their own little world right now, no one could touch this.

“funny, that’s exactly what i thought,” tobin replied, pulling christen up to straddle her hips. she brushed a few loose curls behind christen’s ear, before leaning her head to one side to kiss christens arm. christen felt her legs tremble just a little, as they sometimes did when she was nervous. tobin must have felt it, because her hands were rubbing up and down the backs of christens thighs.

“hey, chris, its okay. whats on your mind?” tobin asked, looking up at christen with a look of concern. christen smiled, and leaned down to kiss tobin once, twice, three times on her lips. the last lasted a bit longer than the first two, tobin swiping at christen’s lips with her tongue. christen shivered, and pulled back after a moment.

“chris?” tobin asked again, moving a hand to brush christen's hair out of her eyes again.

“i’m sorry, i’m just a little nervous,” christen admitted, deciding there was no point in lying. even if she wanted to, her brain and mouth didn't seem to be connected right now. 

“about what, babe?” christen blushed at the name.

“you,” she whispered, not making eye contact. tobin looked worried.

“chris, why?” tobin stroked up and down christens arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps as she did so.

“i don’t wanna mess up. and i don’t want this to mean more to me than you.” christen couldn’t believe she’d admitted that last part, unsure where it even came from. she hadn’t actively thought about that, but now that she said it, she realized it was true. tobin shook her head.

“no, chris, no. i don’t think theres anything you could do to ‘mess up,’ okay?” christen nodded, not looking tobin in the eyes.“you mean a lot to me. i don’t know if i’m good at showing it, because honestly i’ve never done the relationship thing. so you let me know, okay? and i’ll try my best. whatever happens here, just know you mean so much to me. okay?” christen nodded, smiling wide. she leaned down to kiss tobin again, this time letting tobin take control and deepen it as much as she wanted to.

the girls stayed in tobin’s room the whole day, doing nothing much in particular. after their nap, tobin eventually left to take a shower. after, they laid in tobin’s small bed, watching netflix, talking, and cuddling for most of the day. it was lazy, and both loved it. christen learned a lot about tobin, like that she started playing soccer at three, on an over four all boys league she only got on because her uncle was the coach, and that even at three, she kicked ass. she learned that tobin had never actually learned to swim, but she loved surfing and jet skiing none the less. she loved getting to know more about this girl who she was so enamored with. christen found herself wishing she had more interesting stories to tell.

“wanna know a secret?” christen whispered. tobin laughed, looking up from her phone where she was ordering doordash.

“mm, always,” she mumbled, leaning down to kiss the top of christen’s head.

“i was emo in middle school,” christen deadpanned. tobin burst out laughing, setting her phone down to give christen her full attention.

“oh my gosh, babe. you gotta show me pictures!” tobin insisted, kissing christens head again, and laughing into her hair.

“i don’t think we’re there yet, tobs, that's like... fifth base,” she said through giggles. tobin’s face was still pressed into her hair, and she could barely make out her mumbling.

“please, tell me more about emo christen.”

“well, she was also going through her one direction stan years at the same time… so it was a bit confusing. you know, emotionally,” christen said, ever so seriously. “i wore that god awful choker, and band tees. and i learned how to play my chemical romance songs on guitar, but also i was un-ironically listening to what makes you beautiful at the same time.”

“god, you’re so fucking cute,” tobin said, kissing christens nose once. she turned back to her phone. “what do you wanna get for dinner?” christen realized how hungry she was. she shrugged.

“i don’t care, just get two of whatever you want.” tobin nodded, ordering something. she set her phone down and turned back to christen, who was sitting up against all the pillows, wrapped in the UNC blanket.

“christ, i’m serious, you’re so fucking cute. the cutest ever,” tobin told her, sliding up to be next to her. christen leaned her head on tobin’s shoulder. she didn’t reply, instead un paused the episode of the office they were playing. tobin eventually got up to go pick up their dinner, and christen actually missed her for the five minutes she was gone.

“don’t leave again, okay?” she asked when tobin got back, getting back into bed with their food.

“okay, you got it,” tobin agreed.

about thirty minutes later, their bubble was interrupted by kelley coming in.

“oh hey christen, tobin.” tobin nodded at her roommate, not bothering to move from where her head was laying on christen's stomach.

“hey kelley!” christen said, much more welcoming than tobin. “whatcha been up to?” kelley turned to face the girls.

“uh, emily and i went out to lunch, then worked out. team 5k coming up, and we wanna beat tobin’s time,” kelley said, poking tobin’s side. tobin laughed.

“good luck with that. are you staying here tonight?” tobin asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but she was really hoping kelley would leave again and she could ask christen to stay the night. kelley waggled her eyebrows.

“yup, just picking up some clothes. why, you wanna get rid of me?” she asked, knowingly. tobin rolled her eyes, throwing a small pillow at kelley.

“shut up. i was being a concerned roommate. you’re spending a lot of time with emily lately, i was just wondering…” tobin half lied. sure she had her own motives, but she did want to make sure kelley was okay. kelley rolled her eyes.

“as if i couldn’t say the same for you,” kelley scoffed, and christen winced a little, even though she knew kelley meant well. “but really toby, don’t worry. i know what i’m doing. we’ll talk about it, i promise,” kelley assured. christen silently watched the interaction between the two best friends. all the while tobin kept a constant point of connection with christen, reminding her she was there, in their bubble.

“okay, okay. have fun.”

“oh i will!” kelley shouted, throwing a backpack over her shoulder and heading out. tobin turned to look at christen.

“sorry about that chris. don’t listen to anything she says.” christen smiled at tobin’s concern. she leaned down and kissed tobin’s still chapped lips. all the kissing certainly hadn’t helped them.

“she’s right, you’ve been spending a lot of time with me,” christen mumbled against her lips, pulling back slowly. tobin raised her eyebrows.

“lucky me.” another kiss. “luckier than emily. she got stuck with chaos kelley.” another kiss.

“tobin?” christen asked, pulling her head back. she needed a second to breathe. tobin took her breath away, every single time they kissed.

“yeah?” tobin leaned back on her pillows. neither girl had changed out of pajamas all day, in tobin’s case meaning she hadn’t put on a shirt all day. it was starting to drive christen crazy with how much she wanted her.

“wanna do something? we’ve been in here all day.” tobin checked the time on her phone. it was eight o’clock, they really hadn’t done anything but lay around for twelve hours straight.

“sure. whatcha wanna do?” christen shrugged. she had nothing in mind, was just feeling restless. tobin was silent for a moment, thinking of their options.

“wanna go to the soccer house for a bit? alex is there, but she's probably the only one you know, so we can think of something else if you want." christen thought it over. may as well, she couldn’t think of anything else to do. she also wanted to meet tobin’s teammates.

“sure, lets go.” they moved around each other in silence, christen finding her shoes and tobin’s keys while tobin pulled on a shirt and some real pants. christen mourned the loss of tobin’s bare skin. _there’ll be time for that later_, she reminded herself. the girls walked to the soccer house, about ten minutes away. christen took pride in how tobin held her hand tightly the entire time, even as they entered the house.

“alex? pinoe?” tobin called out upon entering. she heard voices from all over, and footsteps coming down the stairs.

“tobin!” two girls appeared, neither of which christen recognized. tobin hugged each of them, before standing back with christen and retaking her hand. “pinoe, kling, this is christen,” tobin introduced. christen waved shyly.

“hey, I’m megan, and this is also meghan,” the blonde of the two girls said. “but pinoe and kling is less confusing. especially on the field.” christen smiled and shook her hand.

“it’s so nice to meet you guys!” christen exclaimed, her excitement genuine. she really wanted tobin’s teammates to like her. the shorter brunette reached her hand out to shake christens.

“so you’re christen…” she started before pinoe jabbed her in the ribs with her elbow.

“be chill, kling!” she gritted out through her teeth. tobin laughed and slid her arm around christen’s waist, almost protectively.

“yup, this is christen,” tobin confirmed. christen wondered how much tobin’s teammates had heard about her, and what they’d heard about her. certainly nothing since they'd become… more than friends. that was too new.

“well anyway, tobs, i’m so glad you’re here. i need you to help me beat kling and HAO in pool. i got no one on my team, i was gonna have to play with alex,” pinoe explained, turning to head up the stairs with kling. tobin followed, guiding christen with her.

“oh god, alex playing pool. that’s always funny,” tobin scoffed.

the upstairs of the soccer house was mainly bedrooms, each with two or more names on the door. at the end of the hall was a larger room, which had three couches, a mini fridge, tv, and pool table. there were six or seven girls hanging out, one of which christen recognized as alex. most of them waved at tobin, but they were enamored in a soccer game playing on tv. tobin, kling, pinoe, and a girl christen guessed to be ‘HAO’ started a game of pool, and christen was unsure of what to do with herself. she was more than happy to just watch tobin, but she felt a little awkward. before she could make any decisions, alex came over to say hi, meeting her with a friendly side hug.

“hey christen, its good to see you again!” alex exclaimed.

“you too!”

“so how’d you get roped into this?” christen was a bit confused, she hadn’t been roped into anything. although she could see how it might seem that way. 

“oh, tobin and i wanted to get out. we’d been inside all day…” christen trailed off, refocusing on tobin, who looked hot as ever lining up her shot. alex smiled knowingly.

“ah, i see. well listen, on tuesday after practice a couple of the girls and i are heading to a yoga class at this new studio near here. you wanna go?”

“oh, uh, sure! can you just pick me up?”

“of course!” christen was about to respond when tobin interrupted.

“chris! c’mere!” christen turned to alex to apologize, but alex just waved her off and winked. christen laughed and walked back to tobin, who wrapped her arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek. it was all very public, but still intimate. christen was unsure how she felt about showing off like this, but she figured the soccer house was safe territory. a good place to get comfortable with the pda. 

“babe, pinoe and i are winning,” tobin told her proudly. christen laughed. tobin could get so competitive, and this was no exception. she leaned her head back on tobin’s shoulder as tobin watched kling take a shot. “trash, kling, absolute trash!” tobin scolded, even though it had seemed like a good shot to christen. what did she know.

“oh shut it tobs,” kling shot back playfully. “oh, christen, since tobin is so rude and didn’t introduce you, this is heather,” she said, gesturing to her pool partner. christen waved, unable to shake her hand from where she was stuck in tobin’s embrace.

“hi, i’m christen,” she said, feeling shy again.

“heather, nice to meet you,” heather said kindly. christen loved how welcoming the soccer girls made her feel. after the game of pool, tobin and pinoe winning, tobin insisted on teaching christen how to shoot. the younger girl protested, telling tobin she had no hand-eye coordination.

“c’mon chris, please, for me,” and that was just unfair, tobin had to have known that would work.

“ugh, fine. if it means that much to you.” christen took the cue from tobin, who smiled in delight.

“it does. okay, like this.” tobin positioned herself behind christen, guiding her hands to hold the stick correctly. she had lined the white ball and another up for a pretty easy shot, one christen should be able to make.

“i think i got it. okay, ready to watch this go horribly wrong?” christen asked, and tobin stepped away to watch. she tried her best, and almost got the ball in. tobin smiled wide, making christen smile too. she loved how happy she could make tobin.

“happy now?” she asked, setting the cue down and walking towards tobin.

“mm, very. you’ll be beating me soon enough,” tobin joked, holding her arms out to christen, who rolled her eyes. christen let herself stumble into tobin’s open arms, ignoring the whistle from one of tobin’s teammates, probably pinoe. tobin moved to kiss christen’s temple, and whisper in her ear, husky and low.

“wanna get out of here?” christen shivered, and nodded. she definitely did. 

“alright guys, we’re gonna head out,” tobin announced. alex and pinoe groaned.

“you literally just got here like an hour ago, c’mon,” pinoe argued. tobin laughed.

“dude, i’ll see you tomorrow. ten am training, right?” at the mention of practice, a chorus of groans broke out through the room.

“yeah, yeah, whatever. see you tomorrow heath,” pinoe said, patting tobin’s shoulder. the girls left silently, tobin’s arm moving to settle around christen’s shoulders. once out of the house and on the sidewalk, christen spoke.

“i didn’t know you had weekend practice,” she said, slightly disappointed. she never wanted to leave the bubble they'd created together, but at the same time christen needed to prepare for classes that week. 

“we don’t, not really. we’re going on a run with whatever teammates are still on campus. kelley mentioned it earlier, remember, we’re doing a 5k in a week,” tobin explained. christen nodded.

“oh, makes sense.”

once in tobin’s dorm, the air between them seemed to change. it was charged with electricity, and christen wasn’t sure how comfortable she was anymore. she checked her phone to see the time. she didn’t really want to walk home at the late hour, but she was starting to worry about what would happen if she stayed the night with tobin. sure they’d spent the night before, multiple times, but it was starting to feel different. christen was angry at her sudden mood change. she'd been fine all night, and had no idea why all of a sudden she was tempted to run out. 

“christen? you in there?” tobin asked, waving a hand in front of christen’s blank face.

“uh, yeah. i’m here. did you ask me something?”

“yeah, i asked if you wanted clothes or anything. assuming you’re staying. are you staying?” tobin’s speech was awkward, her voice skipping slightly._ i guess she’s nervous, too, _christen thought. it made her feel a little better. maybe she would stay the night. she silently considered it for a moment, deciding to embrace her discomfort. _exposure, or something like that, yeah._

“yeah, i’m staying. if thats okay.” tobin grinned, walking over to her dresser.

“more than okay,” she said, tossing a tee shirt in christens general direction. she then started rummaging through a box in the corner, before pulling out a new toothbrush. “here, you can use this.” she grabbed her own toiletries and showed christen down the hall to the bathroom. they brushed their teeth side by side, laughing at the other for no real reason. christen’s mood lightened, but her nerves were still going crazy.

back in tobin’s room, christen checked her phone before crawling into bed. she hadn’t really responded to anyone all day.

momma press: dad and i miss you bunches. hope you’re staying dry, saw there was a big storm! call me later.

(sent 5:43)

ali krieger: don’t think i haven’t noticed you’ve been in horton ALL DAY. snap maps don’t lie.

ali krieger: ;););) we will talk we will talk have fun stay safe

(sent 9:07)

christen rolled her eyes at the texts from ali. creepy, but endearing none the less. it felt good to know her roommate was looking out for her. she typed out quick replies to both, promising to call soon and that she was having fun and staying safe. she took a deep breath, and climbed into tobin’s bed. she let tobin pull her down, so christen was straddling her hips. it was something they'd done a number of times, and the muscle memory started to set in. focusing on the way tobin's body felt under hers, christen took a deep breath to settle herself. she tried to relax her body as tobin ran her hands up and down christen’s back, moving around to her sides occasionally. _this feels too familiar. _

when tobin kissed her, christen fought every urge to pull back. 

christen closed her eyes and took another deep breath, hoping to settle her nerves, but her exhale was shaky, too shaky. she hoped tobin wouldn’t notice.

of course, she did.

“chris?” tobin whispered, reaching up to touch christen’s cheek gently. christen wouldn’t make eye contact. she couldn’t. she wanted to stop feeling like a failure, a fuck up, broken. she wanted to stop feeling so guilty. most of all, christen just wanted to be normal. she wanted to be able to give tobin what she so clearly desired, and just be like any other teenager in a relationship. when christen forced her eyes open, she saw tobin’s lips moving, but the only sound she heard was the ringing in her own ears.

“chris, hey, babe, what’s wrong?” tobin sounded like she was underwater, or a million miles away. christen could barely hear the older girls soft voice. she took another deep, still shaky breath and tried to refocus. she felt tobin shifting underneath her, so she was sitting up and could better look at christen. all she wanted to do was disappear. the bubble was too small, it needed to be popped. 

“christen?” tobin asked again, and this time her voice was crystal clear. almost too loud. “did i do something wrong?” tobin’s voice was small, like a child worried they would get punished. christen reached out to place her hand on tobin’s cheek, a gesture she hoped would be comforting.

“no, no, you didn’t. i’m sorry,” christen apologized, as she always did. _i'm sorry, i don't want to go. i'm sorry, i should have done better. i'm sorry, i shouldn't have let that happen. _

“don’t apologize. whatever you’re apologizing for, please don’t, you don’t need to,” tobin assured, and no one had ever said this to christen before. “can you tell me whats wrong? do you wanna talk to me?” christen nodded. she did want to talk to tobin, and she hoped she could.

“i’m not good at talking,” christen whispered. she felt five years old again, confused and scared. the ghost of tobin’s touch lingered, burned, dug into christen’s back. _just like when you were little._ christen wished her brain would just shut up.

“that’s okay, you don’t have to be good at it. are you having a panic attack?” tobin asked, and christen shook her head. she didn’t think she was, at least.

“i don’t think so.”

“did i do something wrong?" christen shook her head again. she wanted to talk to tobin, tell her what was going on in her head, but she wasn’t there yet.

“no, not at all. you’re amazing. i’m just… i need to go slow.” her speaking was rushed and quiet, like maybe if tobin didn’t hear her it made things less real.

“like, with sex?” tobin asked, not shying away from being blunt. christen nodded, trying to find her voice. the voice didn’t come, and she was thankful when tobin spoke again.

“chris, that’s okay,” tobin reassured. finally finding her voice, christen spoke out in a quiet, scratchy voice.

“i’m sorry, i just-“ tobin cut her off before she could finish.

“don’t apologize. don’t you dare.” the room felt so small. even though she felt suffocated, christen wrapped herself up in one of tobin’s blankets. she said nothing.

“christen, do you think i’m going to force you to do something you don’t want to?” christen’s heart broke at the fear in tobin’s voice. she shook her head. tobin took a deep breath.

“do you think i’m not going to wanna be with you if we aren’t sleeping together?” christen nodded. she needed to find her voice, and soon.

“it’s just, i haven’t known you that long and you’ve already seen some really shitty sides of me. and i don’t want to… drag down your mood, or something like that. i mean, we aren’t even together and i’m already causing problems,” christen choked out, determined not to cry.

“chris, i don’t care. so far, every single side of you i’ve seen has been beautiful, and i want to see more. you aren’t dragging me down, and you never have. god, from the first day i met you i couldn’t stop thinking about you. you already mean so much to me, chris. so much.” christen looked up at the ceiling, hoping gravity would take care of the tears threatening to fall from her tired eyes. tobin continued. “and chris, i wanna be with you, and i understand if this is too much right now, but i’ll go as slow as you need too,” tobin finished, and christen gave up on holding her tears back. she looked down at tobin and let the tears slide down her cheeks.

“are you sure? tobin, i can’t promise you anything. i want this,” christen gestured between them. “like, physically, but i can’t. there’s stuff.. and i’m just scared,” christen admitted. tobin didn’t fully understand what christen meant, but she tried to respond appropriately.

“i’m sorry i scared you. i just want you to feel safe, whatever that may mean. if that's going slow, that's what we'll do.”

“don’t apologize. this isn’t your fault,” christen insisted. the last thing she wanted was for tobin to feel the same guilt she felt.

“alright. but it isn’t yours either, remember that,” tobin said, surely knowing what christen was thinking. christen couldn’t reply, she didn’t want tobin to know that that was something she’d struggled with for years. she still did, she still felt she was to blame for the things that had happened to her.

“i know,” she lied.

“so, slow, okay?” tobin reached her hand out to gently touch christen’s shoulder. she didn’t want to push too far, but a shoulder touch couldn’t hurt.

“yeah. yeah. you’re amazing, you know that?” christen still felt guilty. she still felt broken. but she felt safer, like she could trust tobin to be gentle with her. “can i still stay tonight?” she asked timidly, hoping tobin wasn’t just lying and really still wanted to be with her. tobin flashed her signature wide smile, putting christen at ease.

“of course. c’mere.” she opened her arms for christen, who snuggled into her side. she craned her neck to look up at tobin, who was looking back at her. she could tell tobin wanted to kiss her, but didn’t want to push any boundaries. christen closed the gap between them, letting tobin know it was okay to kiss her. the kiss was brief, but it said a lot. it felt like a promise. a promise that good things would happen for her.

god knows she deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts? comments? suggestions and predictions? burritos?


	9. chapter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hope someday i'll make it out of here  
even if it takes all night or a hundred years  
wanna feel alive, outside i can fight my fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, as always thanks for reading. 
> 
> im trying something new and throwing in a little tobin POV, let me know if you hate it and it'll never happen again. 
> 
> enjoy!

chapter eight:

the small cafe was crowded, alive with the noises of baristas and customers. ali and christen found an open table in the back, in a corner away from the noise. they sat down with their drinks, coffee for ali and chai for christen, who hated coffee. ali had invited christen out with her under the guise of studying, but both girls knew that was a lie. it was interrogation time, and christen knew there was nothing she could do to avoid it. it had been six days since tobin and christen had first kissed, and ali still had not had the chance to hear the details. as a self proclaimed gossip she was itching, but as christen’s friend she was concerned.

“so… how was the weekend?” ali asked, pulling out her chemistry textbook and a notebook. christen sipped her chai, pausing before she replied.

“good… and you? how’s the fam and ashlyn?” christen reached for her own chemistry notebook, hoping ali would help her understand the notes they’d taken yesterday. christen just hadn't been able to focus lately, she swore her attention span was getting worse than usual. 

_note to self: refill ADHD meds. _

“they’re great! my brother was home from NYU, so it was nice to see him. and my parents are doing good, a little overbearing but good. they really wanna meet you sometime, actually. and... ashlyn’s great, as usual.” christen smiled, noticing how ali visibly lit up when she talked about her girlfriend.

“you guys are so damn cute… hey, how’d you get together? i’m sure you've told me at some point, but i don’t totally remember,” christen asked, realizing she didn’t know the full story. she knew they were friends for a while before they got together in high school, and had broken up along the way, but that’s all she knew. ali smiled, tilting her head back to look at the ceiling for a moment, as if deep in thought. when she looked back at christen her eyes sparkled.

“you sure you wanna be subjected to the whole story?” she asked, and christen nodded eagerly. ali smiled wide, and shook her head slowly. “alright, you might regret this, but here goes. stop me if you get bored. so, i grew up in this small town in virginia. i’m talking small. i’d been around the same people for years. at school, i’d known most of the people there since, like, pre school. then, one day halfway through seventh grade, this transfer student from florida shows up. she was a year older than me, and perfect. almost immediately i was so drawn to her, chris, it was insane. so i thought i just wanted to be friends, like really good friends, and that’s why i got so excited every time she talked to me, or every time we got close to each other. so for the rest of that year ash and i were best friends. i have no idea why she chose to be friends with a girl a year younger, cause, ya know, that was weird in middle school or whatever. but she did, and thank god. so anyhow, i couldn’t figure out why i was so obsessed with her, and why i just constantly needed her approval and attention.” ali paused to sip her coffee. christen was enamored in ali’s story, finding many parallels to her own adolescence. ali continued.

“so, soccer season comes along, and i was, of course, over the moon that she was on the team. i remember that year i got so much better, probably because i wanted to impress her. i mean, this girl was incredible. i’d never seen anyone with her skills. once after practice i remember she came up to me and told me i’d done a good job, and i don’t think i stopped blushing for a week. and even then, i still thought i just wanted to be her friend.” christen raised her hand, mostly as a joke, to ask a question. ali laughed. “yeah?”

“did you…. had you had any exposure to the possibility of girls dating girls?” she asked, remembering being in a similar place at that age. ali shook her head.

“nope, tiny town, pretty conservative. but… ashlyn changed that. so one night, summer before eighth grade, we’re having a sleepover, and she’s telling my about her cousin. and she said something like ‘oh, my cousin is bringing her girlfriend here,’ and, i shit you not, my whole world changed. i remember it so clearly. i turned and looked at her and was like ‘girlfriend? she’s a girl with a girlfriend?’ and i feel so bad looking back, because now i know that ashlyn thought i was, like, homophobic or something, but i was just uneducated. and so ash, bless her heart, explained that yeah, girls can date girls. that was the moment i realized that i wanted to date ash.” ali stopped speaking and smiled. christen felt like she might cry, she felt so strongly connected to ali at that moment.

“did ashlyn like you?” christen asked, on the edge of her seat even though she knew how the story ended. ali nodded and laughed.

“yeah, but i wouldn’t find out for a while. wanna hear the rest? i know it’s a big story,” ali asked, and christen nodded rather aggressively, making ali laugh more. “okay, okay. so she goes to high school, and i start eighth grade. god, it was the worst. i was... i was really depressed that year. i’d just figured out my feelings, and now she was gone. well, that’s being dramatic. we still saw each other. she sat next to me on the bus every day, even though i’m sure her high school friends made fun of her. and when soccer season came around, i played up on the high school team. i remember how proud ashlyn was when i told her i was playing up. she gave me the biggest hug, and my little gaybie heart almost burst. that summer before my freshmen year we spend almost all our time together. it was like some indie movie shit. we explored every nook and cranny of that small town. we built literal pillow forts in my room. she we spent almost every night together, and when my parents told me she couldn’t come over for one reason or another, she’d sneak into my room after we were sure they were asleep. we were joined at the hip that summer. then high school started, and things were a little different. she had her high school friends, and didn’t spend as much time with me as i had expected. so i tried to get over my crush, and be a new person for high school. you know, another part of all this was that my town was, still is, so conservative. so i started dating this guy, and ashlyn stopped talking to me almost completely.” christen interjected, almost yelling.

“you dumbass, she loved you!” a tear had actually rolled down christens red flushed cheek at this point. ali laughed, nodding.

“yeah, but how was i supposed to know? but you’re right, she totally was. soccer season rolled around and our tension on the field was obvious. one day our coach sat us down and told us to get our shit together and work through whatever had happened or else he was benching us. so i confronted ashlyn about how basically dumped me, and ashlyn made a comment about me having a boyfriend and that i didn’t even need her, so why was i angry. i told her that i’d always needed her, and then, i still don’t know what came over me, but i told her i’d only started dating the guy to get over her…. then she kissed me, and we talked about our feelings and shit…. and the rest is history!” ali finished, clapping her hands together once to show the story had ended. christen shook her head, laughing.

“you guys were so dumb, oh my god. thats the cutest, gayest story i’ve heard in my entire life,” christen said, taking a drink of her now tepid chai.

“yeah, we really were. but just remember, we actually got even dumber. broke up for a while,” ali reminded. christen had totally forgotten about that.

“oh yeah, wow. ali, i’m really glad you guys found each other. what you have is really special.”

“it is. i’m so, so in love with her. have been for…” ali paused to think. “five years.”

“that's… beautiful. do you think she’s it for you?” christen asked, ever the romantic. ali shrugged.

“yeah, i’d like to think so, but also i’m not stupid. i know that we’re young, and things end. no one expects to marry their high school or college sweetheart. everyone wants to be ‘that couple’ but it’s rare,” ali said sadly, and christen understood. in middle and high school she’d always dreamed of finding the love of her life at a young age. she’d since moved on from that, content with casual dating, but she still loved the romanticized idea of it all.

“ali, is that coming from you and how you feel or what other people thing?” ali looked at christen oddly, as if she hadn’t quite understood her.

“yeah, CP, you might be on to something. we’ll see,” ali said. before christen could say anything else, ali piped up again. “don’t think i’m letting you off easy. how’s tobin? what happened this weekend? i’m getting another coffee, but you better be ready to spill when i get back!” ali ordered, heading off to the counter for a refill. christen sighed and put her head in her hands. whatever she had with tobin was theirs. talking about it to other people made it more real, which was probably why she’d neglected to call julie again since. she wished everything with tobin could just stay locked in their bubble. ali returned, and placed a cookie in front of christen.

“really, alexandra? bribery?” ali nodded and sat down across from her.

“correct. alright, get talking. what’d ash and i miss?” christen rolled her eyes. she may as well spill.

“okay.. so, thursday, when you and ash left, i was studying in the library. tobin and a few other girls came in, and eventually she and i left to go hang out. so she took me to the soccer field, and we played for a little while… and then i’m honestly not sure how it happened, but either i kissed her or she kissed me. so after that we spent the night at my dorm, and the next morning she took me on a date,” christen concluded, hoping that would satisfy ali. she should have known it wouldn’t.

“okay, so that’s friday. chris, i already told you i was stalking you. i know you were at her dorm like, all of saturday. gimme details!” ali insisted. christen rolled her eyes, but continued anyway.

“you’re so weird alexandra. so, after the date friday… i went back to my dorm, and, uh, stayed there for the night. ran into kelley and emily a lot..” christen said, leaving out the parts where she freaked out, slept for seventeen hours, threw up, and got taken care of by ali’s fellow defender. that didn’t need to be known by anyone besides her and emily, and probably kelley. ali raised her eyebrows at the part about kelley and emily, but remained silent. “saturday, i went to her dorm and brought her breakfast and we basically stayed there all day. i slept over, and left sunday to do actual school work like a good student. happy? enough information?” ali seemed to think it over for a moment or two, before nodding.

“guess so. wow, you guys went… fast,” ali commented, and christen was sure ali was assuming they’d spent most of the weekend having sex.

_you'd be surprised, alexandra_

“hey, just because you and ash pined for years doesn’t mean tobin and i have to,” christen shot back, not bothering to take the bait ali had so clearly dangled and talk about sex. nobody needed to know about that but her and tobin.

“touche….” ali trailed off. “how are you feeling about all this?” _well thats a loaded question_, christen thought.

“you know, i actually feel really good. tobin is… she’s good. i think she’s good for me,” christen said, sure of herself.

“i’m glad christen, i’m really glad. i know i told you not to go for it at first, but i’m really happy for you now.” ali looked down at her buzzing phone, smiling as she did so.

“what?” christen asked, assuming there was something from ashlyn. she was right.

“ash and tobin are together right now, and ash says she’s sick of tobin’s ‘gay ranting about how much she likes christen,’ so there's that,” ali said and raised her eyebrows. christen blushed, whipping open her chemistry textbook and avoiding eye contact. 

“so, chemistry. help me?”

***

the stadium was vibrating with energy. students were chanting at the top of their lungs, stomping on the bleachers, and cheering for the team. it was so loud, almost too loud for christen. pushing their way past fellow students, christen and lindsey struggled to make their way to the seats waiting for them, right next to the field. christen took her seat, apologizing to the young girls next to her for bumping into them. after a quick scan, her eyes immediately found tobin on the field, stretching by ashlyn, alex, and kelley. as if sensing the eyes watching her, tobin looked up and waved, grinning widely. christen waved back, shy but excited. today was a home game against duke, and the rivalry made it much more exciting than any other game. christen took in the carolina blue masses around her, some hardcore fans in body paint and costumes. not nearly as committed, christen was wearing one of tobin’s warm up shirts, and a pair of carolina blue sunglasses. lindsey had emily’s number painted on one cheek, showing support for her roommate and best friend. christen took a deep breath, trying to center herself and drown out all the noise. 

the kickoff was electrifying, tobin passed to alex and the game was on. christen was on the edge of her seat, nervously tapping her hands on her knees. lindsey was catching on to the game, and no longer needed christen to explain things, so christen could watch interrupted. lindsey tried to talk to her on multiple occasions, only to be met with a short answer or dismissive wave.

“christen, you’re no fun. way too into the game,” lindsey joked. christen barely even acknowledged the jab. instead, she watched tobin drive the ball down the final third of the field, sliding on one knee as she took a fabulous shot at the goal. from years of watching her own shots miss the goal, christen knew it wasn’t going in, at least not on its own. luckily, carli knocked it in by the far post.the crowd erupted in cheers, christen practically falling out of her seat as she stood up to cheer. when she finally sat back down, lindsey poked her arm.

“so, tobin, eh?” christen smiled, laughing at the ground.

“that obvious?” she asked, wondering how lindsey had picked up on their relationship already.

“i mean, kinda. and emily clued me in… but even if she hadn’t, it really is that obvious,” lindsey explained. _sonnett, of course. should have known._

“yeah, that’s happening. i guess. you can ask me more after this game… i promise,” christen said, completely serious. all her attention was on the game. lindsey laughed, but didn’t say anything else. the first half ended 1-0, with the one goal from carli. at the start of the second half, ali subbed in for kelley who’d seemed to have rolled her ankle. christen cheered loudly for ali, but couldn’t take her attention off of tobin. she could feel another goal coming in her bones, the same way she used to feel it in her own games. sure enough, ten minutes into the second half, tobin possessed the ball on a throw in from becky, drove it straight down the field, and rocketed it into the goal. christen shot straight out of her seat, cheering as loudly as she could. she swore tobin made eye contact with her as she ran down the field, her suspicions were confirmed when tobin blew a kiss in her direction. _i could get used to this_, christen thought.

when the game ended, 3-0, with another goal from alex, christen waited in the stands for tobin, saying goodbye to lindsey who didn’t feel the need to wait. most of the crowd except for family and friends had cleared out by the time the girls came back on the field. tobin jogged over to the stands, meeting christen at the railing.

“chris!” she shouted, and christen leaned over the railing to meet tobin, who pulled her in for a very sweaty, but very perfect kiss. when tobin pulled away, she wrapped her arms around christens waist.

“tobs that was amazing! you’re… so good!” christen didn’t know what else to say, every time she saw tobin play she was left a bit speechless at just how talented the girl really was. tobin laughed and pulled back from the hug, kissing christen’s cheek.

“i mean, i had to show off, it's not everyday you come to the game! here, come on over,” tobin told her, holding christens hands to steady her as she climbed awkwardly over the railing. when she landed on the ground, tobin wrapped her arms around christen’s waist again, this time lifting her up and twirling her in a circle.

“tobin!” christen looked up to see a few teammates jogging over. she recognized morgan and kelley, who both wrapped tobin up in a hug, stealing her briefly from christen.

“tobs, i’m so proud of you!” kelley yelled, grabbing tobin’s face. she pressed a sloppy kiss to tobin’s cheek, and then she and morgan ran off to find some other teammates. tobin grimaced and wiped off her cheek beforesliding her arm around christens waist, pulling her in close again. she pressed her face to the side of christens, whispering in her ear.

“thanks for coming, babe.” christen shivered at the feeling of tobin's lips so close to her ear. she turned to meet tobin in a kiss, which lasted until pinoe yelled at them to get a room.

“come on guys, we’re going to dinner to celebrate. christen, you should come too!” pinoe yelled. christen shook her head.

“oh, no. i wouldn’t want to intrude on team dinner,” christen insisted.

“nah chris, don’t worry, it’s not team exclusive. just some of us, morgan’s bringing her boyfriend, some friends are going. you won’t intrude. please go?” tobin asked, and christen knew she couldn’t say no to tobin. not like she wanted to or anything.

“okay,” she agreed, laying her head on tobin’s shoulder as they walked. tobin left her at the gate when she went to change, returning with her soccer bag and freshly washed hair. dinner took place at a pizza grill nearby, a place christen had gone with lindsey a few times. the group split off to four different booths, tobin and christen cramming into one with kelley, sonnett, pinoe, and becky. it was a weird group, but christen loved it. the lack of space forced her up close next to tobin, practically on top of her. christen was acutely aware of tobin’s arm draped over her shoulders, and how it never once moved. christen tried and failed to convince herself the goosebumps on her skin were from the milkshake she was drinking; it was obvious they were from tobin’s touch.

the noise of the restaurant, the loud conversations, and tobin's arm around her, it was quickly becoming too much. the noise levels were causing a sensory overload for christen. it didn't help that she felt absolutely trapped in the booth, knowing she'd have to ask three people to move if she wanted to get up.

_deep breaths, focus on something else, _christen reminded herself. she needed to feel connected to her body again, to snap out of the out of body-like experience she'd grown used to having. her mind felt like it was stuck on a loop, or lagging like a slow computer. she tuned into a story pinoe was telling, something about her physiology class and the hot TA. 

_deep breaths, focus on what's in front of you. _

she focused on the individual words from pinoe's mouth, refocusing until she finally felt connected with her mind and body again. 

when the night drew to a close, and tobin and christen said goodbye in the parking lot. christen was tempted to ask tobin to stay the night. she was almost positive ali would be staying with ashlyn, so it wouldn’t be an issue. but for whatever reason, maybe because she was still a little out of it, she didn’t, and settled for a kiss on the cheek before climbing into ashlyn’s car. back in the dorm, christen laid in bed and watched ali grab her overnight bag.

“chris, you okay?” ali asked, noticing the glazed over look in her roommates eyes. christen snapped her head up.

“yeah, yeah. tired,” christen explained. it was true, she was exhausted. she’d gotten up early and gone to the gym, missing her old routine as an athlete. combined with two quizzes and the excitement of the soccer game, christen was worn out. ali nodded, accepting christen’s brief explanation.

“you should invite tobin over, i’m going to ashlyn's…” ali suggested, causing christen to roll her eyes.

“yeah, i almost did. but i don’t know, felt like i couldn’t initiate things or whatever,” christen admitted, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. “just wasn’t comfortable with it i guess.”

“i understand, it’s still new. well, i’m heading out now. sleep good,” ali said, grabbing her water bottle and phone. christen called out a goodbye and heard the door shut. she felt around for her phone under her pillow, her hand closing around it after a moment.

christen press: you played really really well today!

(sent 9:56)

tobin heath: as opposed to all the other days? do i usually suck or something?

(received 9:56)

christen rolled her eyes and giggled to herself.

christen press: yeah, actually. still not sure why people say you’re a 'prodigy' or whatever

(sent 9:57)

tobin heath: i’m paying them off so i can impress you

tobin heath: get it, imPRESS?

tobin heath: god im so fucking funny

(received 9:58)

christen press: no ur not. who let you think that.

(sent 9:58)

christen took a deep breath before typing out her next message.

christen press: wanna come over? i’m lonely.

(sent 9:58)

tobin heath: see u soon

(received 9:59)

christen smiled and sunk into her bed. no more than five minutes later, the door to christen’s room opened and shut, tobin walking in without knocking. christen sat up on her bed and smiled, her mood lifting instantly. she hadn’t seen tobin all of sunday, monday, or that day until the game, and she missed the bubble they’d lived in over the weekend. 

“lonely, chris?” tobin asked, kicking off her shoes and setting down her backpack.

“mhm…” christen whispered, not bothering to get out of bed. she took a moment to appreciate tobin’s appearance while she plugged in her phone. christen thought that tonight tobin was looking especially adorable. she was obviously worn out from the game, and her skin was still rosy from the sun. christen tried not to stare when tobin pulled her sweatshirt over her head, dragging the shirt underneath up a few inches, exposing her waist. as much as the physical intimacy scared christen, she couldn’t deny she wanted it, which made the fear that accompanied it about a million times harder to understand. she still couldn't believe tobin understood. 

tobin climbed up into christen’s bed, leaning over and kissing her forehead, nose, and finally lips. she was obviously still intent on respecting christen’s boundaries, so tobin started to pull away. not ready for their kiss to end, christen deepened it, placing her hand on the back of tobin’s neck and pulling her in closer. the older girl hummed a laugh, and fell onto her stomach next to christen, their lips never parting. the position was awkward, but still sweet and perfect to tobin and christen. it was christen who broke finally broke the kiss, moving to sit up against the wall, and pulling tobin up to meet her. 

“christen,” tobin whispered, barely audible. christen pulled her in for another kiss, humming against tobins lips.

“yeah?” she choked out, not wanting to stop the kissing. her body physically ached when tobin pulled away and sat back on her calfs.

“babe, what do you wanna do?” tobin asked, reaching out and placing her hand on christen’s hip to steady herself.

“i want.... to take your shirt off. can i?” christen asked, voice timid and scratchy. tobin crawled up closer to the top of the bed, and straddled christens thighs. she pressed kisses to christen’s neck and collar bones, biting lightly as she went.

“yeah, yeah. whatever you want,” tobin whispered back, head still buried in christen’s neck, biting and sucking enough that she’d surely leave a mark. christen could hardly find it in herself to care. she was feeling brave, for once, and she was totally focused on tobin. christen dragged her hands down tobins back and sides, stopping at the hem of her tee shirt. tobin pulled back from kissing christens neck to allow for her shirt to be pulled up and over her head. christen threw it to the floor, and looked tobin up and down. she grazed her fingers over tobins bare shoulders, and collarbones, moving down to just barely brush against the material of her sports bra. she felt tobin shiver underneath her hands, and swelled with pride. she was in awe that she could illicit any sort of reaction out of tobin, especially by just barely touching her. 

“kiss me, please,” christen whispered, suddenly feeling exposed, even though she was fully clothed. she felt emotionally exposed. tobin nodded and took christens face in her hands, meeting her eyes. she leaned in and kissed her, hard. it was different than any kiss they’d shared. it was needy, emotional, meaningful, and christen felt it in the pit of her stomach when tobin bit down lightly on her bottom lip. her own hands travelled down tobins bare back, settling under her thighs to pull the older girl in closer. tobin moved back to christens neck, switching between biting and nipping at her skin, and soothing with her tongue and lips. christen held back a moan and tilted her head back, giving tobin more access. she couldn’t find it in herself to care about the marks tobin was surely leaving. for a small moment, she cared about nothing else.

that didn’t last long.

tobin reached her hands behind christens back, under her shirt, trying to pull her closer. christens breath hitched, and she froze. tobin immediately realized she must have gone too far. she pulled her hands back as fast as she could, pulling christens shirt back down.

“chris, i’m sorry... i got carried away,” tobin apologized, shifting off of christens thighs. christen wasn’t saying anything, she was just staring straight past tobin.

“christen? babe?” tobin asked, brushing some hair out of christens face. “hey, can you look at me?”

_no, i can’t._

tobin placed two fingers under christens chin, trying to settle her, or bring her back to reality, or anything.

_snap out of it, christen. everything is okay_.

christen took a deep breath, thankful she was able to bring herself back in before she spiraled.

“yeah, yeah, sorry... can we go to bed now?” tobin nodded, but she looked unsure... even suspicious. she wanted to ask christen more, but didn't want to make her upset. it was a tough line to walk, and she was still trying to figure out where exactly the line laid. 

“of course babe. i’m just... you can talk to me, yeah?” tobin laid down on christens bed, opening her arms for christen to join her. she did so willingly, laying her head on tobins chest and wrapping her arm around tobins waist.

“i know, ‘m just nervous,” christen supplied, not wanting to go into any further detail. thankfully, tobin didn't press further. she placed a gentle kiss to her forehead and wrapped her arms around christen, holding tight.

“okay. hey, can i take you out to dinner tomorrow night?” tobin asked, hoping to change the mood. christen smiled into her chest.

“yeah, of course. where?” she felt tobin shrug underneath her.

“somewhere nice. you’ll see,” she whispered, and christen hummed in agreement.

christen fell asleep within minutes, emotionally and physically exhausted. tobin couldn’t sleep until the sun began to rise.

***

the next morning, christen left before tobin woke up. she had a psych class at ten, and was meeting lindsey at a coffee shop to go over some homework before, so she left a still sleeping tobin in her bed. when christen left her room, she sent her a quick text.

christen press: good morning tobin! just left to meet lindsey before class. you can stay as long as you want. ill see you tonight!

(sent 8:12)

tobin was woken up by her phone dinging, she must’ve forgotten to silence it before going to bed. she rubbed her eyes and tried her best to read christen’s text, moving her phone away from her face in an attempt to focus. she smiled sleepily at christen’s text, remembering their dinner plans for the night.

_okay, it’s wednesday. practice at two. class at eleven_, tobin thought to herself. but before any of that, she needed sleep. she had barely slept last night, couldn’t stop thinking about christen. christen, who’d slept peacefully beside her, eyelids fluttering softly. christen, who’s skin had looked radiant under the gentle glow of streetlights and stars streaming through the blinds. christen, who seemed so scared all the time, and tobin had no clue how to help her. tobin wasn’t an idiot, she saw the way christen would tense up and shut down, especially when things got heated between them. she’d seen the panic attacks, wondered what triggered them.

tobin was wide awake now, her mind alert, no chance of getting the sleep she so badly needed. her communication theory class wasn’t for another three hours, so she figured she should take the time to get some work done. fortunately, she’d brought her backpack, so she could stay in christen’s bed a bit longer. she climbed out of bed to grab her laptop and glasses. the sound of the door opening startled tobin, who jumped a bit. 

“tobin!” tobin looked up to see ali, looking just as surprised as tobin felt.

“oh, hey ali… good morning?” tobin said, more of a question than a statement. 

“good morning to you as well…. wait, where’s chris?” ali’s look of surprise had turned to suspicion. 

“oh, she went to meet lindsey for class, just left a little while ago,” tobin explained, wondering if she should leave or not. it was ali's room after all, it felt weird for tobin to be there without christen. ali nodded and tobin spoke up again.

“hey al, uh, what do you know about christen’s anxiety?” tobin asked, hoping ali wouldn’t think she was a gossip, or nosey. ali sat down at her desk, spinning her chair around to face tobin.

“not much. i know she’s got pretty bad anxiety, gets panic attacks… but she hasn’t really talked to me about it at length. why do you ask?” ali leaned forward in her chair, which was strangely intimidating to tobin. she was secure enough with herself to admit that sometimes ali intimidated her, a lot. she’d known her for a while, through ashlyn, but now ali was christen’s closest friend, making tobin want to impress her.

“nothing in particular. i just worry, i wish i knew more but i don’t know if we’re, like, close enough for me to ask about that part of her life yet,” tobin admitted, not making eye contact with ali.

“tobin, honestly, you should just talk to her. it’ll show that you care. sit down and have a mature, adult conversation,” ali suggested.

“i mean i would, really, but i don’t wanna freak her out. we haven’t been dating that long, i mean, we haven’t even put a label on things yet…”

“i don’t think it matters that much. if it does, you know what to do. so far you guys have been really good with talking about things, i really think it’ll be okay.” tobin nodded. “alright, i gotta go to class now… but i’ll see you at practice, and you know where to find me if you need anything,” ali said, picking up her backpack and heading to the door.

“yeah, thanks ali. you’re really great.” ali grinned and winked before exiting the room. tobin exhaled, trying to get rid of some of the negative energy that was clouding her mind. she climbed back into christen’s bed, laptop in hand, and sank back down into the pillows and duvet.

_christen might be on to something with this whole comforter thing…_

she opened her laptop, but before she got started on her work, curiosity got the best of her. she opened up a private browser, shaking slightly as she typed: different types of anxiety

an article lead her to the five main types of anxiety, all of which she was familiar with. she’d always been interested in psychology. she scrolled down, clicking on the link labelled PTSD. as quickly as she clicked on it, a wave of guilt hit tobin like a truck. she quickly exited the tab and started on her homework.

_really, tobin, just talk to her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make my day! let me know what you think about tobin's pov. 
> 
> if you're wondering, in the restaurant scene christen was dissociating. i suggest reading about it! it's something i've experienced for years, and its super hard to convey it through words. 
> 
> drop in on my tumblr if you'd like! @sonny-flowerr


	10. chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> put your hand in mine, you know that i want to be with you all the time  
you know that i wont stop until i make you mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy pls, we are starting to get moving with this story

chapter nine:

christen and lindsey settled down into their seats in the psych lecture hall. they’d just come from the coffee shop on campus after going over their homework. both girls were struggling a bit. their professor started class as soon as they sat down, he was always early.

“alright class, just wanted to remind you that there will be a quiz tomorrow,” he said, opening his laptop to set up the slides for the day. christen leaned over to lindsey.

“am i crazy or is this the first time he’s mentioning this?” christen whispered. she was a fairly good student, and knew she would remember being assigned a quiz. lindsey nodded, eyes wide staring to the front of the class.

“yeah… i’m fucked,” lindsey whispered back. their professor continued, his monotonous voice difficult to listen to.

“it will be on the different sections of the brain we’ve been working on this week. i expect above an 85% from all of you, this stuff should be easy.”

_oh, fuck. christen thought_. i am so not ready for this.

as their professor began reading off the slides, christen opened up iMessage on her computer.

christen press: tobbbbbinnnnn would you be mad if i cancelled on tonight

christen press: prof just dropped a quiz on us, and i don’t understand the material at all… i’m so fucked, i need to study hard tonight

(sent 10:05) 

tobin responded almost immediately.

tobin heath: not mad at all! we can reschedule, friday or sat night?

tobin heath: also how many times do i have to tell u psych is my bitch!! lemme help you study tonight

(received 10:06)

christen grinned. she knew she should be taking notes, especially with this bitch of a quiz coming up, but she felt at ease knowing she’d have help.

christen press: would you really?

(sent 10:06)

tobin heath: ofc. now go pay attention in class!

tobin heath: also i really like your bed. the whole comforter thing is nice. but i wish you were in it with me.

(received 10:07)

christen press: me too… alright. paying attention.

christen press: side note, get a comforter dumbass! <3

(sent 10:07)

she turned her attention to whatever part of the brain her professor was going on and on about, trying to control the blush that was likely rising in her cheeks from knowing tobin was still in her bed. the thought made her want to run all the way back to her dorm, just to kiss tobin as hard as she could. christen thought back to the night before, feeling her cheeks heat up even more. she hated that she always freaked out and put the breaks on when things got even the slightest bit heated between them. it wasn’t like she didn’t want it. god, she wanted tobin so badly. but she was terrified of messing up, not being good enough, or getting triggered and having a panic attack in the middle of things.

_that wouldn’t be cute, chris, not at all._

lately she couldn’t help but think back to her encounter with jason, all those months ago. she knew the experience had messed her up, triggered old memories, and made her panic attacks more frequent. she knew on some level that tobin would be completely different. patient, understanding, and gentle. yet still, she couldn’t seem to get past the block in her mind.

_seriously christen, focus on psychology right now._

***

“kelley! kell!” tobin shouted, running after her roommate.

“oh, hey tobs. didn’t see you last night. or this morning. what’s up?” kelley asked, raising her eyebrows at her flustered best friend.

“shut up, i’m happy. i need your advice. well, actually, i need ashlyn’s advice but you’ll do.” kelley placed a hand on her heart in mock hurt, gasping as she did so.

“you’ve wounded me, tobin. let me guess, you need advice about christen?” kelley was always one step ahead of tobin. she leaned down and began lacing her cleats, waiting to hear tobin’s response.

“yeah, yeah, girl shit, which is why ashlyn would be more helpful… considering she’s in a_ stable, committed _relationship…” tobin jabbed, throwing her soccer bag over her shoulder.

“i’ll have you know i am in a stable-ish, committed-ish kind of relationship,” kelley reminded. tobin rolled her eyes. as if emily and kelley’s weird arrangement qualified as a relationship.

“yeah, yeah, whatever…. so…. how do i ask her to be my girlfriend?” tobin blurted, wanting to cut to the chase. she’d never been good with patience, at least when it came to most things.

“who, emily? back off, dude!” kelley joked. tobin rolled her eyes, not in the mood for kelley’s jokes. “okay, okay, don’t look so pissy. tobs, i don’t know, just ask her. just be like ‘christen, i enjoy your ass a lot. in fact, i don’t stop talking to kelley and ashlyn about it. it’s really very annoying. be my girlfriend?’ that should work,” kelley said, tossing a ball at tobin who brought it down easily with her knee.

“hilarious, kell-belle. you’re so helpful, i’m realizing why i should always ask you for advice instead of ashlyn!” kelley shrugged, and pointed towards the goal.

“she just got here, go ask her if my advice sucks so bad. but seriously, toby, i don’t see what the big deal is. y’all are basically already girlfriends. just, like, ask her,” kelley said, and tobin knew she was right. it didn’t need to be that difficult. she just felt like it needed to be special. she rolled her eyes at kelley again, and jogged over towards ashlyn.

“ash, help.” ashlyn looked up from where she was taping her wrists and hands, as she did before every practice.

“hey tobito, whatcha need?”

“i don’t know how to ask christen to be my girlfriend, i’ve never asked anyone before,” tobin admitted. ashlyn laughed lightly, not looking up from her taped wrists.

“aw baby tobs, you’re so grown up and mature now. committing to a relationship! just… tell her you like her ass and wanna be girlfriends,” ashlyn suggested. tobin threw her hands up in the air, exasperated.

“what is it with you guys and christen’s ass? jesus!”

“tobin, you’ve gotta appreciate what’s there!” kelley shouted from a few feet away, and ashlyn nodded in agreement.

_why am i friends with these dumbasses?_

***

christen pulled her flannel tight around her, shielding herself from the slight breeze rustling through the trees. it was barely october, not anywhere close to being cold, but christen enjoyed the feeling of being bundled up in her flannel.

it was just after five, and she was waiting for tobin to get out of practice. psych, freshmen sem, and chemistry had all kicked her in the ass today and she was more than ready to sit down with tobin and relax. voices rose from near by, and christen looked around to try and spot tobin. instead she spotted emily, and waved a timid wave in her direction. the two hadn’t really spoken since that night in christen’s dorm. it wasn’t something she ever wanted to discuss. emily smiled in her direction, and christen swore she saw the blonde wink.

“tobs, someones here for you!” emily shouted, and suddenly tobin was jogging up behind her. emily pointed in christen’s direction, and tobin’s gaze followed her finger. tobin grinned when she saw christen, and ran over to greet her.

“hey chris,” tobin said into christen’s neck as she wrapped her in a tight, mildly sweaty hug. christen felt a brief press of lips on her neck, and tried to hide her shiver. tobin pulled away, grinning. christen silently made note of tobin’s aura, how bright and shiny she felt. tobin was almost always pretty positive, but today she seemed radiant. like a child on christmas morning… or something.

“you look good,” christen whispered, enjoying the bubble they always seemed to create for themselves. it was broken when kelley walked past, slapping tobin on the shoulder, and shouting a distracted “hey christen,” in her general direction. tobin mumbled something under her breath, christen only able to make out the words ‘jealous’ and ‘ass.’ she was quite confused.

“so should we go?” christen asked, anxious to start studying. she was desperate to raise her grade in psych. tobin took christen’s hand in hers, walking them in the direction of tobin’s jeep.

“sure. can we go back to my place first? i really wanna shower. and i’m sure you want me to shower also,” tobin said. christen leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek as they walked.

“yeah, lets go.”

once in tobin’s dorm, christen relaxed on tobin’s bed while tobin showered. she had missed the messy bed, missed the excessive amount of pillows and blankets. mostly, she had missed just how much it smelled like tobin. it was almost intoxicating, and christen never wanted to leave the safety of tobin’s space. at some point christen must have drifted off, because she was woken up by a brush of fingers on her cheek.

“babe, wake up,” tobin whispered, smiling when she saw christen’s eyes open. she leaned forward and placed the softest of kisses on christen’s lips, continuing to stroke her face.

“i’m awake, i’m awake…sorry, i dozed, i guess. should we go to the library?” christen asked, knowing she would get her best studying done in the library, where there were no beds for her to get distracted by.

“mm, yeah, lets go,” tobin said, holding her hands out to help christen jump off the bed. they opted to drive to the library, knowing they wouldn’t want to walk home late at night.

“how was practice today?” christen asked, realizing she’d forgotten to earlier. she always made sure to ask tobin how practices went. tobin shrugged in her seat.

“the usual, a little tougher maybe. we’ve got a game against arkansas this saturday, and they’re pretty good this season,” tobin explained.

“is it home?” christen asked, hoping it would be. so far the only away games had been before the start of school, or in state away games.

“yeah, but next weekend we’re away against FSU.” christen frowned. since she and tobin had gotten closer, tobin hadn’t been gone at all. they hadn’t been apart for more than a day or two. and even then, she knew tobin had just been a phone call away. she didn’t want to come off as clingy, but she knew she’d miss tobin.

“when do you leave?” tobin looked over, taking her eyes off the road for a moment to laugh lightly at christen’s obvious disappointment.

“late friday. you’re gonna miss me, aren’t you?” christen blushed and shook her head, but didn’t say anything. tobin moved her hand to christen’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “babe it’s okay, i’ll miss you too. you’re allowed to do that, you know.”

“shut up…. can i come to the arkansas game?”

she was a little confused, because earlier tobin had suggested dinner on saturday night. if they couldn’t have an actual date, she still wanted to see her.

“course, chris. hey, there’s a party at the soccer house after. if we will it’ll be crazy, you should come with me,” tobin suggested.

_well that sounds like an awful idea, i’ll probably throw up on her or something. _

“sounds like fun,” she lied. “can we still reschedule dinner? earlier you said saturday…” christen asked as tobin pulled into the library parking lot. she pulled the parking break and jumped out of her seat.

“oh, fuck, yeah,” tobin said, walking around to where christen was standing with her backpack, looking a little dejected. “i’m sorry, i forgot about the game saturday when i suggested that. what about tomorrow night?”

christen chewed on one of her fingernails, a bad habit she’d had since she was a child. her fingernails hadn’t grown past the tips of her fingers since she was four.

“yeah, sure,” she said quietly, following tobin through the large doors of the library and to a quiet study corner. she was still nervously chewing on her fingernails. she couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had made her so anxious all of a sudden. maybe acknowledging that she would miss tobin when she left for the game, however short their time apart would be. maybe it was the mention of going to another party. whatever it was, christen hated the uneasy feeling that had settled on her stomach. tobin sat down at the desk, pulling out the chair next to her for christen, who sat down timidly.

“babe, what’s wrong?” tobin asked, reaching out and pulling christen’s hand away from her mouth, bringing it up to her own and kissing the sore, near bloody fingertips.

“nothing,” christen lied, reaching for her psych textbook.

“don’t lie to me, chris. you know i can tell when you’re lying, right?” tobin asked, and christen shook her head. tobin continued. “you haven’t stopped biting your nails for the last ten minutes, and you’re being all… sad. christen, i know you. i can tell, you can talk to me-” tobin said, shoving christen’s textbook away from her. suddenly christen was angry. she didn’t know why, had no idea where her anger had come from, but it wasn’t going to stay in her body.

“tobin!” christen yelled, earning a glare from the library TA stocking shelves. tobin threw her hands up in defense, confused by christen’s outburst. “stop it, please!” christen pleaded, her voice cracking. as soon as the angry words left her mouth, a calm settled over christen’s body.

_deep breaths. _

“christen,” tobin whispered in a steady, low voice, one a mother or teacher might use when dealing with a child throwing a tantrum. christen’s head was in her hands, she was trying her hardest to steady her breathing and keep from yelling at tobin again. she knew she couldn’t trust her emotions right now.

“are you angry?” tobin asked, and christen nodded into her hands. “can you tell me why?” christen shook her head.

“i used to be really angry, all the time,” tobin whispered, reaching her hand out and rubbing soft circles on christens upper back. “remember, i told you about that on our first date?” christen nodded, shifting her face in her hands to look at tobin.

“i was mad at the world. i was mad at every single person on the planet. mostly, i was mad at god. my family is really religious. like, i don’t remember my life without church, ya know?” she didn’t want for christen to respond, she wasn’t really looking for an answer anyway. “so you know, i’m growing up really religiously, and then i turn twelve, and i have the biggest crush on this girl in my youth group. she and i got really close, and i thought she liked me too. so one day we’re walking downtown together, and there’s this poster for a new movie coming out. it was some gay indie film, you know the type, but she reacted like it was the plague. i’d never been exposed to that level of homophobia before. my family didn’t actively talk about it, and neither did my church. but this girl, who’d never been anything but sweet, and caring, the perfect christian, was ranting about how gay sex was a sin, these people were going to hell, and other things that… honestly i think i blocked out. so yeah, i was angry. when you’re twelve, and so impressionable, hearing that from the girl i had damn near worshipped really fucked me up for a while,” tobin finished, hoping her story would help christen feel like she could open up.

christen’s heart broke for a younger tobin, imagining her trying to navigate right and wrong with so little correct information. she placed one hand on tobin’s cheek, stroking under her eye with her thumb.

“tobin, i’m so sorry. you didn’t deserve any of that, and i hope you know she was wrong,” christen finally spoke, much of her anger melted away. seeing tobin as vulnerable made her feel so awful for yelling. tobin had been nothing but patient and understanding with her, and she didn’t deserve christen’s outburst. when christen looked back at tobin, she realized there were tears in the older girls eyes.

“oh, chris, i know. but i didn’t then, and i was fucking angry. and i stopped taking care of myself, or caring what happened. i wasn’t in a good place, but my family didn’t talk about that shit. i was supposed to just pray or whatever, and ask god what to do. but that wasn’t working, and i needed help, but i just didn’t have any. remember that injury i told you about? that happened around this time. i just didn’t care what happened to me at that point, and i started playing really dangerously. bad tackle took me out, and i know i could have prevented it. i think it took that reckless injury for my mom and dad to see that something was wrong. chris, i understand the anger. and the anxiety. and i hope you feel like you can talk to me about it, if not now, soon,” tobin finished, not sure whether her story would help or make things worse. christen leaned over and placed a kiss on tobin’s lips, short and sweet.

“i’m sorry i yelled at you, tobin. i don’t know what came over me. i’m trying. i really am. i don’t open up a lot, it’s not just you, okay? and i don’t… i don’t wanna put all my emotional baggage on you. i don’t want to dump too much on you, i don’t want you to know everything about me and then just leave,” christen rushed out.

“chris, baby, whoever made you feel like that, think like that, like you can’t share your pain, they’re wrong,” tobin said, and christen’s eyes welled up, because how did tobin know that? how did she know that’s how people in her past had conditioned her to feel?

“i’m so, so, so sorry that you feel this way. i’m not going anywhere, chris. i’m not going to leave you because you show me your emotions, no matter how scary you think it’ll be. you aren’t going to scare me away, nothing you could possibly tell me about yourself would make me like you less. well, i mean, don’t tell me you’re a murderer… or a trump supporter, or something like that. that’d be over the line,” tobin joked, and christen laughed, the serious mood lightened a bit. christen took a deep breath, surprised that she wasn’t shaking at all.

“tobin, i’m kind of a mess. sometimes i have good days… but i have a lot of bad days. i’m anxious, and i’m sad a lot. and honestly, it’s been a part of me for so long that i barely know who i am without it. tobin, i really like you. but i’m giving you an out right now. when you met me you didn’t sign up for any of this, and i don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me because i’m… depressed, or whatever. this is your out, and i won’t be mad at you if you take it.” christen felt brave. for the first time in her life, she’d laid a good deal on the table, and put her trust in someone else.

“i’m not taking an out. i wish you didn’t feel so guilty for being human, and having human problems. chris, you’re amazing. you’re kind, and caring, and funny, and beautiful. you’re such an amazing person, despite whatever life’s dealt you. so i’m not taking an out.”

instead of responding, christen leaned over and kissed tobin, harder than before.

“hey, christen?” tobin asked, pulling away but still holding on to christen’s shoulders, she wouldn’t tell christen but she needed to steady herself. she was sure she was shaking.

“yeah?”

“be my girlfriend?”

“are you serious?” christen asked, shocked.

“of course. i know it’s kinda fast, and we haven’t had a second date or anything, but i really like you. and i can feel it, this is right. so, yeah, be my girlfriend?” tobin asked again, rubbing christen shoulders lightly.

“yeah. yeah, duh!” christen whisper-yelled, not wanting to anger the TA who’d already given them a few glares. “hey, you know what i’ve never done before?” christen asked, leaning in closer to tobin, _her girlfriend. _

“what?”

“kissed my girlfriend,” christen said with a smirk, leaning forward to place a kiss on tobin’s lips. tobin could barely kiss back, she was giggling so much.

“you absolute dork,” tobin mumbled against christen’s lips.

after that, studying was the easiest thing christen did all night. tobin really was surprisingly a fantastic teacher, and psychology really was her bitch. within an hour, christen had memorized everything she needed to, with the help of some tricks from tobin. they stayed in the library until around eight, working on various assignments and just enjoying each others company.

when they said goodbye outside of christen’s dorm, christen was suddenly overcome with emotions. when tobin leaned over the console to kiss her goodnight, christen could’ve melted she was so happy.

“tobin,” she whispered, taking in how young tobin looked under the glow of the streetlights.

“i know,” tobin replied, kissing her again, and again, and again.

“thank you.” tobin pulled away and took christen’s face in her hands.

“thank you, christen.”

“for what?” christen was unsure what tobin could be thanking her for. tobin was the one who’d listened to her all night, and helped her study.

“everything. listening to me, trusting me. i’ve never told anyone that story, about my injury, even kelley and ash still don’t know the full story. so thank you, for being someone i trust. for being you,” tobin explained. christen’s heart pounded in her chest. she’d never known a romantic love before, but she was sure this was it.

“you’re welcome,” she whispered, before kissing tobin on the cheek and opening the door to exit the car. “thank you for not taking the out. no one’s ever done that before,” she admitted, throwing her backpack over her shoulder. tobin just nodded. there were plenty of words they could speak, but at the moment, both girls knew speaking would not do these feelings justice.

“i’ll see you tomorrow, chris.”

_i think i love you, tobin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts, suggestions, pumpkin bread? 
> 
> come visit me on tumblr @sonny-flowerr
> 
> check out the series of one shots i just posted! they're preath rn but more ships to come :)


	11. chapter ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all the lights couldn’t put out the dark, running through my heart  
lights up and they know who you are, know who you are  
do you know who you are?
> 
> shine, step into the light  
shine, it’s so bright sometimes  
shine, i’m not ever going back  
shine, step into the light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've loved seeing all your comments! they really make my day, and make writing so much easier/more rewarding. 
> 
> the song i picked for this chapter, lights up by harry styles, dropped while i was in the middle of writing it. i listened to it and knew it was the song for this chapter. no chapter/song have ever gone better together, i highly suggest giving it a listen sometime.

chapter ten:

christen rolled over in her bed, abruptly awoken by the sound of her phone ringing. she rubbed her eyes, trying to focus, and saw it was her mother. christen sadly realized how long it had been since she’d called. at least four days, which for christen, was a long time. she leaned over the rail of her bed to make sure ali wasn’t there, so she wouldn’t disturb her by talking on the phone. she wasn’t, probably out with friends, considering it was late in the morning.

“hi mama!” christen said happily, even though shed just woken up. it was almost eleven, and she felt well rested.

“hi baby! it’s so good to year your voice!” stacy said, and christen realized how much she missed her mother. her mom had always been her best friend, her rock. she missed her mom a lot more than she’d realized.

“mom, i’ve missed you so much. i’m sorry i haven’t called more, i’ve just been so busy,” christen explained.

“oh, sweetheart, don’t worry. i just wanted to call and chat for a bit, hear how things are going.”

_well thats loaded. things are definitely… going. _

“things are good, mama, they’re okay,” christen said, not sure how much she wanted to get into with her mother. she absolutely did **not **want to talk about tobin, she knew that for sure.

“just okay?” stacy asked, knowing her daughter all too well. she knew christen would always hide things from her, especially things about her emotions.

“yeah, classes are going well. i have more friends than i ever did in high school… my roommate is so nice, you remember everything i said about her?” she’d told her mom all about ali earlier in the year, but couldn’t remember how much she’d shared.

“yes, ali. you told me she’s on the soccer team and has a girlfriend on the team as well. is she still a good roommate?”

“oh yeah, she’s the best! she’s probably my best friend here, mom, it’s really nice to have friends,” christen admitted. stacy sniffed on the other end, probably tearing up. watching her daughter struggle so much in high school, especially her senior year, had made her worry she wouldn’t find any friends in college.

“oh, baby, that’s great!” a brief silence from both ends. “chris, please don’t be mad at me for asking…..”

“mom…”

“how’s your anxiety? have you considered therapy again? or medications?” stacy asked, tentatively. she didn’t want to upset her daughter, who was sensitive about these things.

christen took a deep breath. she was trying new things. she wasn’t going to get angry right now. telling the truth could be a good thing, she was learning.

“i’m not doing so great. i’ve been having a lot more panic attacks,” christen admitted.

“i’m sorry, chris. i was hoping you’d be doing better.”

_yeah, me too._

“it’s okay. i’m working through things, you know? she was, she really was. especially after talking with tobin the other night. it was like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. the person she cared most about had accepted her when she expected her to leave. she felt so much safer with tobin now, like they were on a new level together. they had a date planned for sunday, a real date, at what tobin promised to be a nice restaurant, complete with candles.

“that’s good. but don’t think you have to do it on your own, okay? even though you’re all the way in north carolina, dad and i will do everything we can to help you. meds, therapy. anything we can do, okay?”

“yeah mom, i know. maybe when i come home for thanksgiving we can talk about it more? i wanna see how i’m doing on my own for a little while,” christen said. she’d always been like that. tried to do things on her own, without the help from other people. while she was starting to realize that asking for help wasn’t the worst thing that could happen, but old habits die hard.

“i know, i know. just let me know if you need anything, yeah?” stacy said, and christen felt her mothers presence even though they were on opposite sides of the country. all she wanted was a hug from her mom.

“i will. mom, do you think i can come home for thanksgiving?” christen asked, knowing it might be a long shot. they only had five days off for thanksgiving, and she wasn’t sure her parents would want to pay for her to fly in and out for such a short time.

“if that’s what you wanna do, dad and i will try to make it work, okay?

christen immediately felt guilty. she knew money wasn’t exactly flowing in her family, they’d always lived a paycheck to paycheck kind of lifestyle. they weren’t ‘poor’ by any standards, but things had never exactly been easy. she’d never asked for much as a kid, always afraid her family wouldn’t be able to get by.

“you know what, don’t even worry about it. i’m sure i’ll have friends staying here with me, i’m sure it’ll be a really good time. don’t even worry about it, okay mama?” christen said, knowing her mother would, indeed, worry about it.

“christen, we’ll see what we can do, okay? and if not, you’ll be here before you know it for christmas,” stacy reminded.

the mother and daughter talked for another hour, catching up on things in both of their lives. stacy’s work friends, christen’s fathers car troubles, test’s christen had taken. the one thing christen didn’t talk about was tobin. she wasn’t embarrassed, or hiding anything, but her relationship with tobin wasn’t something she was ready to share with anyone outside of their circle yet. she knew mentioning tobin would set off a whole new round of questioning, and she just wanted to keep tobin to herself for a little while longer.

as they always did, stacy and christen talked for a long time, and christen only hung up when she realized it was nearly one, and she was supposed to meet lindsey and sonnett for lunch.

it was good to hear her mother’s voice. she missed her so much. christen wouldn’t admit it, but she really, really, really wanted to go home for thanksgiving. she wasn’t used to being away from home for so long.

christen snapped out of her thoughts at the sound of a knock on her door. she hopped out of bed to answer, expecting her RA or something, and was surprised when she saw tobin on the other side. christen was sure her face lit up like a child on christmas at the sight of her favorite person, clad in UNC sweats and a warmup jersey, hair rumpled and soccer bag slung over her shoulder.

“i don’t think you’ve ever knocked on my door, literally ever.”

tobin rolled her eyes and stepped into christen’s room, not waiting for an invite in as she used to. they were clearly past that, the small talk and waiting.

“i’m sorry, would you rather me just barge in like a hooligan, is that what you want christen?” tobin asked, taking christen’s face in her hands and kissing her softly.

“mhm, that’s all you’ve ever done….” christen mumbled against her girlfriends lips, squealing when tobin pinched her arm. she pulled back and crossed her arms across her chest.

“what are you doing here, babe?” christen asked, happy to see tobin, but confused.

“i brought you something. i’m going out to lunch with the team so i needed to come over now. did you just get up?” tobin asked, finally taking in christen’s appearance. she was wearing sweats and an old tee shirt, repping a college tobin had never heard of. the shirt was so worn and thin that tobin could see the outline of christen’s nipples brushing against the fabric. she gulped and tried not to stare, bringing her eyes back up to meet christen’s.

“yeah, about an hour ago. i was on the phone with my mom,” christen explained. “but i hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. actually… lemme go brush my teeth, i feel gross. i’ll be right back,” christen said, suddenly a little flustered. she’d come to be used to the butterflies in her stomach that always made an appearance when she saw tobin, which reminded her of being in middle school. she loved how giddy tobin made her feel, how unabashedly happy.

when she came back a few minutes later, tobin was sitting at her desk chair, waiting.

“so, what’d you bring me?” christen asked, walking towards her and sitting on the floor, cross legged. tobin smiled and reached into her soccer bag.

“okay, so. no offense babe, but your UNC swag is… lacking.” christen wrinkled her nose in mock offense, and tobin leaned down to kiss it.

“none taken, especially considering that my ‘UNC swag’ is just your pajamas and soccer rejects,” christen quipped.

“exactly. lame. so, you don’t have to if you don’t wanna…” tobin pulled a rumpled piece of fabric from the depths of her soccer bag. christen immediately recognized the dry-fit material. she felt herself blushing, and when she looked up she saw that tobin was also.

“tobs…” christen whispered, taking the jersey from tobin’s hands, running her fingers over the white ‘HEATH’ emblazoned on the back. she moved her hands further down the shirt, tracing over tobin’s number.

_tobin’s number. tobin’s jersey, that she wants me to wear. _

“it’s kinda dumb-“ tobin started, but before she could finish, christen cut her off with a kiss. she moved from her spot on the floor to straddle tobin’s lap on the small chair, sure that it wasn’t made for this. tobin’s arms wrapped around her waist, as they had gotten so used to doing, pulling christen impossibly closer, chests pressed together.

“no, it’s not dumb. it’s one of the sweetest things anyone’s ever done for me,” christen whispered, allowing tobin catch her lips in another kiss. christen wasn’t too embarrassed to admit that while this was probably the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her, it was definitely the hottest. knowing tobin wanted christen in her number, with her name on her back, just did something to her.

and she wanted tobin to know that.

christen tilted her head to the side, deepening their kiss. she ran her hands over tobin’s stomach, up her chest, coming to a stop behind her neck. she pulled back just long enough to whisper, in a scratchy voice, “i can’t wait to wear it.”

tobin grinned and captured christen’s lips in another kiss, her tongue swiping against her bottom lip. christen opened her mouth willingly, wanting to be as close to tobin as possible. she couldn’t ignore just how turned on she was, just how badly she wanted tobin.

and just how okay she felt. lately she just felt safe.

something vibrated against her thigh. tobin groaned, and fished in the pocket of her shorts for her phone. she glanced at it for a moment, before tilting her forehead against christen’s.

“babe, i hafta go. alex says if i’m late to pick her up she won’t pass to me tonight…. and i’m not taking that chance,” tobin half joked. she wouldn’t put it past alex to be that petty. christen frowned, but understood tobin had to go.

“okay. but i’ll see you tonight, yeah?” christen asked, hoping tobin still wanted to see her after the game. tobin brushed a curl behind christen’s ear, and rubbed her hands over the younger girls goosebumps, trying to warm the small bumps covering her arms.

“of course. will you come to the party with me? either we win and it’s gonna be wild, or we lose and i _will _need to drink about it,” tobin explained, and christen could hear the begging hidden behind tobin’s words. she remembered feeling that way before big games. as unsure as she was about another party, especially one that was dubbed to be huge, she nodded. christen was slowly realizing there wasn’t much she wouldn’t do to make tobin smile.

“yeah… as long as you take me home after,” christen bargained, aware of the suggestive connotations behind her words. while she wasn’t emotionally ready quite yet, she was physically over their G rated sleepovers. tobin’s cheeks heated up, and christen felt a surge of pride that she could fluster tobin with just her words.

“anything you want, christen. anything,” tobin croaked out, the scratch in her voice going straight to christen’s core.

_god, i’ve got it so bad for her. _

***

poor lindsey was getting sick of going to soccer games, but somehow christen convinced her to go again.

“linds, come on, you’re my only friend, you gotta go with me. and support your roommate! this is like a huge game!” christen pleaded, standing outside of lindsey’s room. the game started in about an hour, and christen had been so caught up in studying (tobin) for the past few days she’d completely forgotten to ask lindsey to go with her.

“christen, i’m not your only friend, i’m your only friend who isn’t on the soccer team. and sonny won’t even play tonight, so i wouldn’t be missing out on supporting her if i didn’t go,” lindsey argued.

“i’ll buy you coffee everyday next week,” christen offered, and lindsey perked up. seeing her interest, christen pressed on. “i will literally bring you coffee in bed. or to class. or both. please just go with me, pleasepleaseplease, i’ll never ask again,” christen promised, both of them knowing this wasn’t true. christen would definitely ask again, and lindsey would definitely agree to go, albeit begrudgingly. lindsey loved going to games, and supporting her best friend, she really did, but not nearly as much as christen. no one can appreciate the game like a player, after all.

“alright, fine, you got me. but only because this begging is getting pathetic. and i guess i enjoy spending time with you, so it won’t be _too _awful….” lindsey admitted, grabbing her wallet off of her desk and sliding on her birkenstocks. christen threw her hands up in the air.

“yes!”

it was colder than they’d expected. an october chill had finally settled over north carolina, ending the muggy 98 degree september they’d been cursed with. unfortunately, both girls had forgotten just how cold 65 felt after months above 90. christen was glad she’d put a long sleeve shirt on under tobin’s jersey, or else she would have been completely miserable. when lindsey first saw the jersey, she had scoffed. like most friends would, she had insisted on teasing christen about it the entire trip to the field. christen couldn’t find it in her to care, just laughed along with her friend. christen leaned forward in her seat, spotting tobin in the starting lineup huddle. as usual, tobin had managed to get great seats. they were basically on the field, just a row back from the railing separating the field from the stands. on some level, christen knew tobin did this so she could find christen easier after the games. tobin’s small gestures never went unseen by christen, always the observant type.

tobin was right, this team _was _good. christen watched UNC get scored on, something she wasn’t used to at all. at the end of the second half, they were down by two points. christen prayed to the soccer gods, who’d never been good to her, but hey, maybe now was a new start, for a turnaround. an equalizer. anything. she didn’t want to see sad tobin tonight, she wanted to celebrated, wanted her girlfriend to be as happy as possible.

and the turnaround came, in the 52nd minute. a shot from alex, assisted by tobin, soared into the upper corner of the goal. christen jumped out of her seat, cheering so loud her voice hurt after. she threw out another prayer to the soccer gods, this time specifically for the equalizer. by the 87th minute, no equalizer had come. carolina had played beautifully, keeping possession for most of the second half, but they just couldn’t get in the goal. just when christen was about to give up hope and resign to a night of sadness drinking, her prayers to the soccer gods were answered. the equalizer came from tobin, who dribbled straight past three defenders, slamming the ball into the back of the net. the goalie never stood a chance.

christen was sure she would lose her voice, she was cheering so loudly. lindsey was standing next to her, laughing at christen through her own clapping. when the full 90 whistle blew, lindsey asked what was next.

“overtime,” christen explained, chewing on her fingernail anxiously. “and if no one scores, or in some cases it gets re tied, a shootout. five players from each team take a shot on goal, whoever makes the most wins. they’re the worst,” she added, shuddering and thinking back to her last high school game. she preferred not to think about it, but at times like this it was unavoidable. her team had made it to the finals, and it had come down to a PK shootout. christen could still remember the feeling of the grass on her knees, greeting her when she’d fallen after missing her PK, causing her team to lose. she grimaced at the memory, trying to push it back down.

“oh,” lindsey said, nodding in understanding. she now understood why christen was on the edge of her seat.

thankfully, four minutes into the ten minute overtime, tobin sent a beautiful ball from midfield to carli, who scored, avoiding a dreaded PK shootout. christen finally felt her body relax, knowing she wouldn’t have to hang out with a group of depressed soccer players tonight. from on the field, tobin looked up and waved at christen, who blew a kiss. tobin had killed it. christen was so, so proud to be wearing tobin’s jersey. her girl had truly shone tonight.

_guess it’s party time. _

the party was much, much wilder than christen could have ever expected. the moment she and tobin walked through the door, along with much of tobin’s team, it was clear christen was in over her head. there had to be at least a convenience store’s worth of alcohol, as well as three frat parties worth of students prepared to drink up. the soccer team had come straight from the game, not even bothering to shower or change. it made for some sweat, but christen couldn’t deny she loved how tobin looked in her kit, and even more, she loved that they were matching. christen’s possessive side had really come out to play tonight, and it loved that people would know tobin was taken.

a couple players from the mens soccer team ran up to tobin, clapping her and her teammates on the back. christen stayed silent as they all congratulated her and the other players, one in particular wrapping tobin in a hug.

“great job tobin! fucking killed it, dude!” he shouted, accidentally bumping christen to the side as he hugged her. tobin laughed, hugging back.

“thanks russell, good to see you man,” tobin said, clapping him on the back once before stepping back. she reached back for christen, who had stepped behind tobin, kind of intimidated by the energetic boy. she took christen’s hand in her own, gently pulling her to stand by her side.

“russ, this is my girlfriend christen,” tobin introduced, gesturing to christen. “and chris, this is russell. he’s a part of this frat, and he was my lab partner in chem last year. i basically burned one of his eyebrows off.” christen raised her eyebrows in surprise, looking between tobin and russell. he had the same aura you would imagine a golden retriever to have, a little overbearing, excited, and overall well meaning. christen reached out her hand to shake russell’s, smiling as she did so.

“that sounds very on brand for you, tobs. nice to meet you russell!”

“come on into the kitchen, lemme get you gals some drinks,” russell said, turning to walk towards the kitchen. tobin wrapped her arm around christen’s shoulders, guiding her to the kitchen. russell handed them each a cup, and started pouring frozen margaritas from a blender into their cups. christen grimaced internally, smelling the tequila. her drink of choice in high school, the smell of tequila still sent her straight back to late nights in julie’s house, drunk off her parents alcohol, terrified of the hangover that would surely come the next morning. after pouring their drinks, russell left, off to find his friends. tobin and christen were left in the kitchen, which was somehow empty. it was the first time they’d been alone since the game. christen took a gulp of her margarita, swallowing the sickly sweet drink as fast as she could.

“chris?” tobin asked, hopping up to sit on the counter. she extended her arms, reaching out her hands and doing a grabby motion for christen. she giggled and playfully skipped to stand in between her girlfriend’s legs.

“yeah?” christen reached behind tobin, grabbing a bottle of some probably disgusting flavored vodka and a red solo shot glass. she filled the shot glass up to the brim, bringing it to tobin’s lips.

“are you trying to get me drunk, babe?” tobin asked, taking the cup from christen and, much to christen’s surprise, knocking the whole thing back.

“nah, i was gonna share that with you… but you’re feeling selfish tonight,” christen teased, pouring another, more sensibly sized, shot for herself. she tipped it back against her lips, welcoming the burn of the alcohol as it entered her stomach. she felt it all the way down, warming her whole body.

tobin ran a finger down christens stomach, unintentionally following the burn of the vodka, over the carolina blue fabric. “i like how you look in my jersey,” tobin husked, her voice a low almost whisper. christen reached behind tobin, pouring herself another shot and knocking it back immediately.

“i like wearing it,” christen replied, leaning up to place a kiss on tobin’s neck. she didn’t stop with just a kiss, of course, she nipped and sucked, scraping at tobin’s pulse point with her teeth and soothing over with her tongue. perhaps it was the alcohol, or the publicity of it all, but tobin’s senses were heightened. she tilted her head back, moaning deep in her throat, and spurring christen on.

“tobin! stop making out with your girlfriend and come hang out with your team!” someone shouted. both girls looked up, seeing pinoe standing impatiently in the kitchen. tobin laughed and jumped down from the counter. christen felt like she should have been blushing, but the alcohol had given her some courage she wouldn’t normally have. clinging to tobin’s waist, christen allowed herself to be dragged into the living room where several of tobin’s teammates were starting up a game of flip cup. the music pounded loud, a base beat christen was unfamiliar with. she was definitely overwhelmed, but was trying to welcome the feelings instead of running from them. tobin gulped back the rest of her margarita, and kissed christen’s cheek softly, whispering “babe, will you get me a drink?” christen nodded happily and headed back towards the kitchen. she didn’t quite know what to make, she wasn’t a bartender by any standards. she was typically the shots or straight from the bottle girl, wanting to get drunk as fast as possible with the least actual drinking. she knocked back another shot, before looking around at various sodas and mixers. she settled on whiskey, deciding tobin was probably a whiskey girl.

“hey,” a voice came from behind her. christen turned around, not recognizing the boy. “i’m grayson, i’m in your philosophy class,” the boy added, sensing christen’s confusion.

christen tried to respond normally, but of course her slightly drunk mind couldn’t, instead settling on an awkward, “oh! oh, yeah, hey.” grayson laughed, leaning against the counter.

“whiskey, huh? i like a girl who drinks whiskey,” he said in a low, defiantly suggestive voice. christen rolled her eyes internally.

“yeah, so do i,” she quipped back, hoping he would take the hint. but, like most tipsy frat boys, he did not. grayson inched closer to her, and christen was suddenly on high alert. she tried again. “it’s for my girlfriend, actually…” christen added, shifting to move out of the space he’d invaded. thankfully, he seemed to get the hint.

“ah, yeah,” he mumbled, and christen waved lightly before returning to tobin in the living room. she sidled up next to her girlfriend, who was definitely losing. she wrapped her arms around tobin’s waist, pressing her chest to her back and placing her chin on tobin’s shoulder. tobin took the drink from christen’s hand, taking a sip and grimacing as it went down.

“took you a while, you get lost?” tobin asked, tilting her head back as christen pressed a kiss to her jawline. christen laughed lightly, taking the cup out of tobin’s hand to steal a sip.

“some guy tried to talk to me, got caught up for a second,” christen explained, scraping her teeth against tobin’s jaw.

“mm, he’s got good taste, doesn’t he,” tobin whispered into christen’s ear, making her shiver.

not one to be outdone, christen shifted around to face tobin, and kissed her, hard. they ignored the whistles from tobin’s rowdy teammates, tobin flipping them off but not breaking the kiss.

“you suck at flip cup, by the way.”

three hours and many drinks later, christen was exhausted. after meeting an energetic sorority girl named crystal who asked for a dance partner, they’d been throwing it down on the dance floor with for over an hour straight. her body was probably about to give out on her at any moment. for the past ten minutes christen’s dancing hadn’t been anything more than leaning back on tobin, and half heartedly swaying back and forth.

“let’s go home, yeah?” tobin asked, wrapping her arms around christen’s waist. christen nodded, stifling a yawn. she followed tobin around while they both said goodbyes to tobin’s teammates, christen’s new dance buddies, and various other students.

when the cold night air hit her face, christen realized just how hot the frat house had been. she wiped away some of the sweat that had accumulated on her brow, and brushed her hair out of her eyes.

“tobs, remember-“ she didn’t have to finish her sentence, tobin already knew.

“it was the first day we’d met, and i walked you home from that party,” tobin reminisced.

“and i threw up on the sidewalk,” christen finished for her. tobin threw her head back laughing, and kissed christen’s cheek sloppily as they walked.

christen whined, growing embarrassed at the memories. “tobin, i can’t believe you liked me after that…”

“i already liked you. i knew i needed you in my life. i’ve never been sure of many things, chris, but i was sure i needed you the second i met you,” tobin confessed, staring up at the stars as they walked. both girls were drunker than they would admit, but tobin’s words were sobering.

christen couldn’t speak louder than a whisper without crying, she was usually a giggly drunk, but tobin’s words drew out her emotions. “tobin… i needed you in my life too, i need you.” tobin didn’t respond, just nodded. they didn’t need to say any words right now, both knew how the other felt. the words would come later. for now, all they needed was to hold each others hands while they stumbled up the steps to tobin’s dorm. kelley, always the party animal, wasn’t home yet. tobin figured she’d stumble in closer to three, after she and christen were asleep.

while christen changed into one of tobin’s old tee shirts, tobin put on her favorite playlist, and held her hands out to christen. “dance with me, chris?” she asked, smiling as christen took her hands and nodded. it was unclear what they were drunker on: each other or the cheap alcohol. whatever it was, the girls giggled drunkenly as they danced around tobin’s small dorm, never letting their hands separate. christen couldn’t remember a time being drunk hadn’t ended horribly, sickly, or sadly. she couldn’t remember a time she ended a night of drinking with laughter, with dancing, with wanted kisses pressed to every inch of her face. she couldn’t remember ever being this happy.

_all the lights couldn’t put out the dark, running through my heart _

_lights up and they know who you are, know who you are _

_do you know who you are? _

_shine, step into the light _

_shine, it’s so bright sometimes_

_shine, i’m not ever going back_

_shine, step into the light_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always feel free to hit me up on my tumblr, @sonny-flowerr, and drop any questions abt the book or anything. or just come be my friend! 
> 
> comments make my day, always want to hear your feedback and suggestions.


	12. chapter eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this slope is treacherous, this path is reckless.   
this slope is treacherous, and i like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo this is a long one and also very unedited buckle up i guess

chapter eleven:

christen’s phone buzzed, distracting her from attempt at studying.

mom: can you leave nov 26th? dad and i found a good deal on a roundtrip nov 26-30th. let us know.

(received 4:46)

christen grinned, realizing she would get to go home soon. home.

christen press: YES!!! thanks guys!

(sent 4:46)

mom: alrighty. buying tix now, i’ll send you the information. love you.

(received 4:47)

christen press: love you more!

(sent 4:47)

christen press: JULIE I’m coming home for thxgiving. start making plans.

(sent 4:48)

JJ: YES PRESS!!

(received 4:49)

“ali!” christen shouted, even though ali was on her bed, less than five feet away, and an inside voice would have sufficed. ali set down her book, looking over at christen skeptically.

“yes, miss press?”

“i’m going home for thanksgiving break!” christen said, rather excitedly. ali smiled, happy for her roommate. it wasn’t a huge deal to her, but she knew how much christen missed home.

“that’s good, chris! you need it.”

“are you going home?” christen asked, assuming she was, since her home in virginia was just a four hour drive away. ali nodded.

“yeah, i think ash and i are leaving when she gets out of practice on tuesday,” ali explained, picking her book back up. she was reading plato for a philosophy class, and hating every minute of it.

“aw, nice. are you spending thanksgiving together?”

“no… her family doesn’t exactly _love _that she’s dating me. they’re the kind of people that aren’t homophobic, exactly, but when it comes to their own children they make it clear that they aren’t thrilled, you know?” christen nodded, she understood.

“i’m sorry al, that must be tough for you guys.”

“yeah, sometimes. at the end of the day, they love her, they really do, but it’s… conditional, i guess,” ali said, her tone resigned, like she had accepted the rejection.

“love shouldn’t be conditional, ali. don’t let yourself think that. or ashlyn.”

“sometimes you’ve gotta take what you can get. my parents love her, love us, so at least that’s something,” ali said, and christen made a face in agreement. “is tobin going home for thanksgiving?” christen realized she didn’t know, they hadn’t talked that far into the future yet.

“don’t know, i’ll ask later.”

she sent a quick text to tobin, who she hadn’t seen at all in three days. they’d texted a few times, but tobin had been unusually elusive. christen hadn’t allowed herself to worry, had been too busy studying for midterms. she knew tobin must be under the same stress, in addition to the stress of soccer.

christen press: wyd tonight? i miss you! <3

(sent 4:53)

christen honestly wasn’t expecting a response, at least not for a while. she was happily surprised when she saw the bubble appear on her screen, signaling a response from tobin coming soon. 

tobin heath: i miss you too. can i come get you?

(received 4:54)

christen press: sure. at my dorm, text when you get here?

(sent 4:54)

christen didn’t get a text back after that, so she assumed tobin had just left. a few minutes later, her phone buzzed, tobin letting her know she’d arrived. christen slipped on her shoes and grabbed her wallet and a sweatshirt before letting ali know she was leaving with tobin. when christen exited her dorm, she was greeted with tobin leaning back against the front of her jeep. she looked worn out, but still hot as ever. she was wearing her glasses and old sweats, along with her running shoes. christen smiled and walked over to meet her girlfriend. when she was about a foot away, tobin reached out and pulled her in for a tight hug.

“hi chris,” tobin whispered into her ear, and christen couldn’t help but pick up on a definite, almost desperate, sadness, in her voice. christen pulled back, kissing tobin’s cheek before looking her up and down. christen frowned as she properly took in tobin’s worn down appearance, from the bags under her eyes to her obviously dirty hair. if christen looked close enough, she was convinced she could see the remnants of dried tears on her cheeks. she was so used to seeing them on herself, that although any other person may have missed it, christen was almost 100% sure tobin had been crying.

“tobs, what’s wrong?” tobin smiled, soft and a little off.

“nothing. wanna go get dinner? i’m craving panera, but whatever you want is cool,” tobin suggested, walking towards the drivers side of the car. christen swallowed her anxieties, as she always did, and chose to believe tobin and trust that if something was wrong she’d tell her.

“panera is good,” christen said, barely loud enough for tobin to hear as she climbed into the jeep. when tobin wasn’t shifting gears, she kept her hand on christen’s thigh, rubbing soft circles with her thumb. they were silent the whole ride, the music from the patchy radio filling the space. once in panera, tobin told christen to go find a good booth while she ordered. christen agreed, telling tobin what she wanted and heading off to a booth secluded in a corner of the restaurant. tobin arrived a few minutes later, holding two buzzers. she sat down with a huff, slumping back into the cushions. neither girl spoke for a moment. christen rolled her eyes, she was not doing this. if tobin had taught her anything, it was to share her feelings.

“alright i’m not doing this. i don’t believe you at all, what’s wrong, t?” christen leaned forward on her elbow, placing her other hand on top of tobin’s. tobin sighed, long and, if christen didn’t know her, she’d call it overdramatic. knowing tobin, it was probably more contemplative than dramatic.

“i’m sorry for being distant,” tobin started. for a moment she seemed like she’d speak again, but she remained silent. 

“it’s okay, we’re both busy. midterms and stuff coming up, yeah?” christen tried, hoping to inspire something from tobin, anything. she just wanted tobin to talk to her, really talk to her.

“yeah… chris, i’m really stressed. i haven’t been balancing school and soccer very well… and the ACC and NCAA are coming up, and midterms, and i’m just feeling in over my head, you know?” tobin rushed out, suddenly wanting to share with christen. she always encouraged christen to speak her truth, who would she be if she didn’t do the same? as much as tobin wanted to remain calm, she felt hot tears prickling in her eyes, something extremely rare. usually she went months without crying, but today she’d already broken down twice. she was honestly surprised that kelley hadn’t ratted her out to christen.

“tobin, why didn’t you talk to me sooner? i can help with this stuff. if there’s one thing i’m good at, it’s being stressed and overthinking,” christen joked, trying to get her girlfriend to laugh, even just a little bit.

before tobin had to answer, the buzzers went off, and she stood up abruptly to get their food. when she came back, christen asked her again.

“i honestly don’t know, chris. you’ve only ever seen me one way, i didn’t know if you’d wanna be around pre-tournament-midterm-stressed-out me,” tobin admitted, taking a bite of her mac and cheese.

“tobin, what would you say to me if i said this to you?” tobin didn’t answer, she just nodded. she knew. she knew she’d be upset, sad more than anything.

tobin hung her head low, avoiding eye contact with christen. christen could barely hear when tobin whispered an apology, could barely make out her name as it left tobin’s lips.

“don’t apologize, okay? let’s figure this out. how can i help you?” tobin finally looked christen in the eyes, brown meeting green, and smiled for the first time that day, a small and watery smile. 

“i’m not sure. maybe help me study for midterms?” tobin asked timidly, she wasn’t used to asking for help. she barely asked her friends or teachers, had never even had the opportunity to ask a girlfriend.

“of course. and you’ll help me study for psych, yeah? it’ll be okay, i promise. don’t even worry about the tournaments right now, you’ve got time. all you need to do right now is study. and get some rest, and for the love of god, take a shower. i can literally see the grease in your hair.” tobin laughed, a beautiful cheery sound that left a warm feeling settling over christen.

“okay, okay. back to my dorm after we eat? i promise i’ll shower,” tobin bargained, holding a hand out for christen to take. christen placed her hand in tobin’s, laughing at her girlfriends childish tone.

“you’re certainly feeling better, aren’t you babe?”

tobin raised her eyebrows. her eyes were still so tired, her cheeks definitely tear stained, but she looked happier already.

“mhm, just needed a cute girl and some mac and cheese.”

“you’re the worst, tobs.” tobin laughed and held out her spoon to christen, who reluctantly opened her mouth and let tobin feed her. she couldn’t help but giggle when tobin made airplane noises and waved her spoon through the air as if feeding a child. christen couldn’t stop laughing, mouth full, and a little scared she might choke at any moment. maybe it was how emotionally charged they were feeling, or how exhausted and delirious tobin was, but neither girl could stop laughing for the rest of their dinner. when they walked out to the car, tobin poked christen’s cheek. when christen turned to glare at her, tobin kissed her softly, pinching her cheek as she did so.

_if this is what falling in love feels like, i hope it never ends. _

once in tobin’s dorm, christen immediately demanded tobin go take a shower. with tobin gone, she took the time to pick up the clothes and books littered across tobin’s side of the room. she sorted the clean and dirty clothes, putting the dirty clothes in tobin’s laundry basket where they belonged. she gathered all of tobin’s books and study materials, and placed them on her desk. tobin’s bed was in even more of a state of disarray than usual, so she stripped the sheets to be washed. when tobin returned, christen was making a list of things tobin needed to get done for her finals.

“chris, whatcha doing? why is my bed naked?” christen smiled fondly at her girlfriend, wrapped in just a towel, glistening with water from her shower. christen swallowed hard, forcing the dirty thoughts out of her mind.

“because you need to wash your sheets. what floor is your laundry on?”

“two, but you-“ before tobin could finish, christen placed a kiss on her lips and disappeared with the laundry basket. she made her way down to the laundry room, humming some song from the radio as she went. she threw tobin’s clothes in a washer, adding fabric softener, which she was sure tobin was unfamiliar with. tobin was smart in class, sure, and a beast on the field, but she sometimes forgot how to take care of herself, probably from years on the road with soccer teams. christen was learning about tobin’s habit to forget basic human tasks, and happy that for once she could take care of tobin instead of tobin taking care of her. she threw the last of tobin’s clothes in the washer, smiling when she recognized a tee shirt and sweatshirt she’d thought were lost. she continued humming as she walked back up the stairs to tobin’s dorm, not bothering to knock before entering. tobin was sitting at her desk, textbook open, but not actually studying. she was messing around with the ball under her desk, practicing footwork as she sat.

_oh, tobs. _

christen walked up behind her, wrapping her arms around tobin’s shoulders and placing a kiss on her jaw. she thought back to her own midterms that she needed to be studying for, like psych and chem. it could wait for a little while. “tobs, when’s your first exam?” tobin groaned and leaned her head back.

“a week, it’s pre calc,” tobin said, reminding christen that was her first midterm as well. christen ran her fingers through tobin’s wet hair, which still needed to be brushed, hoping to be comforting.

“okay, lets work on that together. i need to study for that also, yeah?” christen pulled kelley’s desk chair over, settling herself down next to tobin. after a few minutes of studying, it was clear to christen that tobin was much smarter than she gave herself credit for. christen suspected tobin was a classic case of ‘smart but doesn’t apply herself.’ as christen struggled with the math problems, she caught on to how tobin was able to help her and explain things, and in explaining things, understood better herself. tobin seemed to learn through teaching, and christen learned through multiple rounds of instruction and explanation. it worked out rather perfectly. after about two and a half hours of studying, christen thought her eyes were about to fall out of her head. she could never focus for very long. mid yawn, she leaned her head on tobin’s shoulder.

tobin laughed, vibrating against christen’s cheek, and rubbed her shoulders. “done, babe?” christen nodded, and lifted her head off of tobin’s shoulder. she shut her textbook and pushed it aside to lay her head down on the desk. both girls were startled by the opening and shutting of the door. tobin looked up to see kelley, looking a little bit aggravated.

tobin hesitated before saying anything, she knew kelley could be hotheaded and it was almost impossible to know what would set her off. she’d known her long enough to get an idea, but man, kelley was unpredictable. hesitantly, tobin asked, “hey kell, what’s up?” kelley rolled her eyes. climbing up into her bed and flopping down on her stomach dramatically.

“alex is driving me insane, tobito. she’s barely talked to me at all for the past month and all of a sudden she’s asking me about emily. she doesn’t have any right to know, she basically cut me out!” kelley exclaimed, leaning over the edge of her bed to see tobin. “oh, hey christen,” she added. christen waved shyly, wondering if she should leave.

“kell, you know she’s been off for a while… she was worried when she found out you liked her, and now she’s trying to be a caring friend and ask about your life. give her a chance, yeah?” christen was unaware of most of the drama between tobin’s friends. the only one she was semi close with was emily, and only because of that one night. well, and ashlyn, but only through ali. christen kind of felt like she shouldn’t be hearing this, but neither of the roommates seemed to care. christen zoned out while they argued silently about alex and emily, and felt her eyes growing heavy. it couldn’t be later than nine, but christen was exhausted. studying took everything she had. she was vaguely aware of tobin’s hand on her thigh, not doing anything in particular, just resting.

“and the other day at practice, em missed a ball and alex made some shitty comment. i don’t understand her!” kelley half yelled, christen tuning back into the conversation.

“kells, maybe she’s jealous?” tobin suggested, and kelley scoffed.

“of what? she never liked me, you know that better than anyone.” christen could basically hear tobin rolling her eyes, she didn’t have to look at her to know what her face was saying.

“she likes to be liked, likes the attention. she might not have liked you back, but i know she was flattered. she’s probably confused that you moved on, and are happy without her. give her some time to come around and be happy for you, okay?” christen was always surprised at just how intuitive tobin could be. christen smiled lazily at tobin, who winked at her.

“yeah, guess you might be right, tobito. i’m still annoyed with her, you know,” kelley said, her voice edgy with anger and bitterness. tobin laughed lightly, amused at her best friend.

“you have every right to be, alex can be a dumbass sometimes. i’ll talk to her about it, okay?”

“thanks tobin. hey, good to see you christen, i see tobin finally got her shit together and stopped hiding!” christen laughed at kelley’s bluntness.

“kelley!” tobin exclaimed, tugging christen onto her lap as if shielding her from kelley.

christen laughed and tried to wiggle out of tobin’s grasp, with no luck. she gave in and rested her head on tobin’s shoulder. “she’s kinda right tobs.”

“yeah, gang up on me…” tobin groaned, exasperated by her two favorite people. christen turned to look at kelley, wiggling her eyebrows.

“i made her shower, and did her laundry,” christen whispered, as if sharing a secret that tobin didn’t know. kelley clapped, laughing.

the three chatted for a bit longer, kelley and tobin discussing their fears about the upcoming tournaments, and christen doing her best to listen and agree, adding advice when she felt she could contribute. around 10, christen decided she should head home. tobin insisted on driving her, saying it was cold and she didn’t want christen walking alone in the dark. in tobin’s car, christen realized she’d forgotten to ask tobin about her thanksgiving plans.

“oh, what are you doing for thanksgiving? are you going home?” christen scratched at the back of tobin’s neck, playing with the baby hairs at the nape.

“yeah, i think so. i might go to virginia with ash and ali, and fly out from there. it’s usually cheaper,” tobin explained. “are you going to california?”

“yeah! i’m excited, i miss home a lot.” tobin nodded, pulling into the parking lot behind christen’s dorm.

“i understand that, i’m glad you’re going home.” christen was once again struck by just how beautiful tobin was. she looked so much happier than she had earlier in the day. she still looked and sounded exhausted, but her voice was stronger and she no longer looked like she may cry at any moment. feeling bold, christen leaned over the console to kiss tobin. the jeep was still running, a low rumble accompanied by the music on the radio. she vaguely recognized the song, but couldn’t put her finger on the name. christen relaxed into the kiss, allowing tobin to pull her over the console to straddle her lap. both realized quickly this wasn’t their brightest idea, christen’s back hitting the steering wheel and honking the horn by accident. tobin laughed, pulling christen closer, both hands on her ass.

“not the best idea i’ve ever had, eh?” tobin whispered into the kiss, her hold on christen tightening. christen giggled, slipping one hand under tobin’s shirt. tobin raised her eyebrows, welcoming the touch and a little surprised at christen initiating something. she shivered as christen’s hand travelled up her stomach, up to the edge of her sports bra.

“babe…” tobin whispered, biting her lip. christen grinned, kissing tobin’s neck as she traced her fingers over tobin’s chest. “babe,” tobin whispered again, a little more assured. christen pulled back, sure of what was coming. tobin inhaled sharply, already regretting what she was about to say. “chris, if you don’t stop now i’m going to have a really, really hard time letting you leave this car…” she trailed off, voice cracking at the end of her sentence.

“okay,” christen whispered, removing her hand from under tobin’s shirt.

“hey… i’m not ready to say goodnight yet,” tobin whispered, an idea forming in her head. christen grinned, could practically see the wheels turning in her girlfriend’s head.

“yeah?” tobin leaned her head back against the seat, checking the time on her phone.

10:24 pm

“what if… we took a drive?” christen ran her fingers through tobin’s hair again, nodding along at he girlfriend’s suggestion.

christen was all for more time with tobin, especially because they had no classes to worry about tomorrow, and the whole weekend to study. but, she did worry that tobin needed sleep. “aren’t you tired, babe?” tobin shook her head.

“nah, i’m wide awake.” both girls were completely silent for a moment, neither wanting to disrupt the space they sat in. tobin kissed christen once, short but hard, and spoke again. “what if we drove to the beach? we’d get there in time for a beautiful sunrise, more than enough time actually,” tobin suggested, her hands returning to christen’s ass, pulling her in close. christen laughed, and climbed back into her seat.

tobin watched as christen awkwardly maneuvered herself back into the passenger seat, grinning as she buckled her seatbelt. “okay, let’s go.” christen pulled out her phone and texted ali to let her know she wasn’t coming home tonight, and then, knowing tobin would forget, texted kelley so she wouldn’t wait up for tobin. she knew the girls worried about each other.

“alright, lets do this, babe!” tobin plugged in some random address, somewhere on oak island. she flicked the aux chord over to christen, telling her she was in charge of the music. when they were almost out of raleigh, christen’s stomach growled. she realized she’d been so caught up with tobin, she hadn’t remembered to eat dinner.

“hungry, chris?” tobin asked, looking up at the signs on the road. one caught her eye, and she exited the highway. christen nodded, skipping to the next song on her playlist. tobin grinned, pulling into a parking lot she’d never been in, but was familiar non the less. christen looked up from her phone, her eyes lighting up.

of course tobin remembered, all the way back from their first date, nearly two months ago. “waffle house?” tobin leaned over and kissed christen’s cheek, parking the car and hopping out.

she met christen on the passenger side, taking her hand as they walked inside the small building. they sat down in a corner booth, christen obviously excited. she reached for the menu, tobin laughing at her girlfriends childlike giddiness.

“babe, i don’t know if i’ve ever seen you this excited,” tobin remarked, picking up her own menu. christen threw a sugar packet across the table, hitting tobin square in the forehead.

“tobs, what should i get?” christen asked, overwhelmed by the menu. tobin took the menu from her, placing both of them on the edge of the table.

tobin leaned across the table, poking christen’s nose. “can i order for you?”

christen shrugged, she didn’t see why not. “sure babe, but if i hate it, i’m blaming you,” christen joked, poking tobin back. for a moment they didn’t speak, just looked into each others eyes. if christen wasn’t a part of it, she would have rolled her eyes in disgust. tobin just made her so soft sometimes.

when the waitress came over to take their orders, tobin ordered two hashbrown bowls and two chocolate chip waffles, as well as a sweet tea for herself, and a water for christen, who she knew never drank anything other than water or chai. when the waitress left, tobin took both of christen’s hands in her own.

“how are you doing?” tobin asked, rubbing the backs of christen’s hands with her thumbs. christen knew what tobin meant, knew she wasn’t just asking how her day was going.

christen smiled, happy to answer, knowing she could answer honestly. “i’m okay, tobs… i’m… i could be a lot better. i’ve been better, but i’ve been worse.” she took a deep breath, smiling and thanking the waitress as she set down their drinks. “you know… i used to go to therapy, yeah?” it wasn’t necessarily a question, but tobin nodded anyway.

_i shouldn’t be telling her this. _

every siren in christen’s mind was going off, telling her not to share, to just shut up and change the subject. christen knew she’d already told tobin more than she’d told any other friend or partner she’d had. on one hand, she hated it, hated thinking about how much tobin knew about her life. if she thought about it too much, her mind spiraled, as it always did, and she convinced herself she’d made a mistake by trusting tobin. she must’ve been thinking for too long, because tobin spoke up.

“i did too, christen. for a while,” tobin said, surprising christen. she’d never thought of tobin as someone who would go to therapy, or need that kind of help. christen looked at her, puzzled, and tobin nodded. “yeah, in high school. it was around the same time i got hurt, and my parents sent me to therapy for my anger. they never really knew how much i talked about in therapy, it was a lot more than just ‘anger.’ there’s nothing to be ashamed off, therapy is normal.”

“yeah, you’re right. well, in high school, i was also in therapy. my therapist was kind of shitty, though,” christen said, thinking back to the therapist she saw for roughly two years in high school. she’d been a nice lady, an older woman with two kids of her own, but she never seemed to take christen’s problems seriously. christen shuddered, remembering the time she broke down in the small office, and her therapist just sat there. she didn’t go back after that, telling her mother that all she needed was medication, that therapy wasn’t helping. “so i stopped going, and soon after that i stopped taking my medications…” christen admitted, nervously fidgeting with the straw wrapper.

“was that when you were better or worse?” tobin wondered, tracing a pattern on christen’s arm. christen shrugged, she honestly wasn’t sure.

“i don’t really know. the worst… the worst was the end of junior year… and the start of senior, i guess. no meds or therapy, and a really stressful time for school, you know? and not to mention soccer…”

tobin smiled, imagining a slightly younger christen killing it on the soccer field. she’d only seen the elusive soccer star christen press once, but it was one of her favorite shades of christen. “did soccer stress you out a lot?”

“oh, yeah. it wasn’t good for me. i’m… honestly really glad i’m not playing in college. as i got better, it got more serious, you know how it is. and when it got more serious, there was more pressure on me to succeed, to carry my team to a win, and i don’t do well under pressure. by the end of my senior season, i hated soccer. i wasn’t playing for the love of the game anymore.” christen realized she had never really spoken about her feelings for soccer at length, especially not her negative feelings. “i used to want to play for UNC. that was the goal for a while, and maybe i could have done it. but with my mental health as shitty as it was for my senior and junior season, i didn’t play my best. i got some offers from smaller schools, but in the end i knew i needed to give up soccer. so i could still love the game, you know?” tobin didn’t know, she’d never hated soccer, never felt anything other than absolutely right where she was supposed to be on the field, but she could imagine.

“and do you love it?” christen thought for a moment. she really did. she missed playing, but she didn’t miss playing to win. she didn’t miss the nerves before the game, the tears after a loss.she loved her new position as a spectator, a supporter.

“yeah, i do. i miss playing a lot, but i don’t miss how shitty i felt all the time. and i love watching you play, i love being able to see the game from the sideline, it’s a whole new appreciation for the game.”

tobin hung onto every word, she loved watching christen talk about soccer. two of her favorite things in the whole world, she couldn’t believe just how blessed she felt. the waitress came back, and set their meals down. christen’s eyes widened, and her stomach growled again. christen was so busy looking at her food that she didn’t notice tobin take out her phone and take a photo of her.

“chris, look at me,” tobin asked, capturing the moment when christen looked up grinning, natural and candid.

“tobs!” christen exclaimed, feigning annoyance. she couldn’t care less.

tobin laughed and set her phone down, picking up her silverware. “hey, christen’s first waffle house. gotta document the moment, babe.”

the girls dug in, christen surprised how long she’d gone without a waffle house waffle in her life. it was truly amazing, she wasn’t sure if that was because it was close to 12 am and she was starving, because of how happy tobin made her, or because it was actually a good waffle. probably a combination of all three, she decided.

“what’s this get on the tobin heath official waffle ranking?” christen asked through a mouthful. tobin tapped her chin, looking extra thoughtful.

“definitely up there. i give it a nine.”

“love it, babe. i think it’s the best waffle i’ve ever had,” christen declared, smiling so wide her cheeks hurt.

***

two hours and many farms later, christen was convinced the highway would never end. there were few cars out at this hour, mostly just semi trucks. christen was curled up in her seat, facing tobin. they’d been silent for the past few minutes, voices resting after two hours straight of a taylor swift singalong. christen had been happily surprised when tobin knew almost all the words to every song. of course tobin was a secret swiftie. it was half past two, and they had another thirty minutes left on the drive. christen could feel herself start to doze off, but she didn’t want to leave tobin the only one awake on the drive. she was sure the to go cup of coffee from waffle house was the only thing keeping her awake.

“chris?” christen perked up at tobin’s voice, willing her eyes to stay open. “babe, you can go to sleep, okay? i know you’re tired. i’ll wake you up when we get there, and then we can both nap for a little while, yeah?” tobin reached over and brushed some curls out of christen’s eyes, a comforting gesture that christen couldn’t get enough of.

“okay… sorry for being boring,” christen whispered, wrapping herself up in her sweatshirt and closing her eyes. she was so exhausted she drifted off almost immediately, and didn’t make out whatever tobin whispered.

when tobin nudged her awake about thirty minutes later, christen looked around confused.

“we’re at a beach access, sun doesn’t rise for about four hours,” tobin explained, climbing over the console of her jeep into the back. she motioned for christen to follow, and she clumsily climbed into the back. the back seat was cramped, smaller than most back seats. tobin was stretching out, making a pillow out of some towels. for some reason she had a blanket in the back seat, which she was shaking out. “come lay with me, chris? i’m so tired.” tobin laid down on the makeshift bed, opening her arms to christen, who’s shoulders she’d draped the blanket over.

“okay,” christen whispered, laying down directly on top of tobin, as it was the only position the tiny backseat allowed. she made sure both of them were covered with the blanket, as much as they could be. before they fell asleep, christen set an alarm on their phone for 6:45. she set her phone on the console, and turned back to her very sleepy girlfriend. as she settled down into tobin, she placed a gentle kiss on her lips. tobin barely kissed her back, she was so tired, but when christen pulled away and laid down, tobin still wrapped her arms around christen’s waist, holding her extra tight.

when christen fell asleep, she dreamt she was back on her high school soccer field. this time around, a girl ran next to her, shouting for the ball. it was no one from high school, though. it was her favorite brown haired girl, running like the wind next to her.

***

at 6:45, tobin and christen were awoken by christen’s alarm clock. they sat up slowly, taking in the slightly lightened surroundings. tobin had taken them to a beach access on a row of beach houses, most of which empty, as the summer renting craze was long over. they took a moment to stretch and yawn, christen desperately rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. she looked back at tobin, who had the look of a child on christmas morning plastered across her face.

“lets go sit on the beach, chris,” tobin whispered excitedly, kissing christen once and climbing out of the back seat. from the front, she turned back to face christen. “hand me those towels, and the blanket.” christen did, and then climbed out herself. they made their way across the sandy path, kicking off their shoes at the entrance. it was colder than christen would have expected, especially with the ocean breeze. on the beach, christen held the blanket while tobin spread out a towel for them to sit on. christen wrapped the blanket around tobin’s shoulders, and sat down in between her legs. she leaned back against tobin’s chest, content in the silence, the only noise being the crash of the waves. christen shivered, and cuddled closer into tobin, who wrapped the blanket tighter around both of them.

“thanks for doing this, chris,” tobin said, voice vibrating against christen’s ear. christen leaned up to kiss tobin, who’s lips were cold and salty from the air.

“no, thank you. this is perfect.”

it really was. for a few moments, they did nothing but look into each others eyes. it was something christen caught them doing more often than either girl would like to admit. if she wasn’t a part of it, she’d be disgusted with just how much gay, vaguely lustful, eye contact they made. it was tobin who looked away first, glancing up at the ocean.

“hey, look, the sun is coming up.”

christen turned her head to the skyline, noticing the colors beginning to change. a light pink was rising along with the edge of the sun, reflecting golden on the water.

“it’s beautiful,” christen whispered, sitting up to better watch the colors. she kept her head on tobin’s shoulder, and tobin kept an arm around christen’s, rubbing her arm absently.

tobin didn’t speak, afraid she would say exactly what she was thinking. the words were so well formed in her mouth, she was sure that if she opened it they would fall out without her consent. christen stood up abruptly, and took off towards the shoreline. tobin smiled as she watched her run, and couldn’t help but take a few pictures before standing up to follow her. christen’s silhouette against the colorful sky was too beautiful not to capture. tobin slid her phone in her pocket and stood up, following christen to the shore.

“i’m looking for some shells.” tobin nodded, and bent down next to her girlfriend to look with her.

the beach was just illuminated enough to see the shells rolling in with the tide. christen immediately found at least ten she thought were absolutely gorgeous, along with a few pieces of sea glass. a wave crashed in, covering their feet in freezing water. christen yelped, jumping back to the dry sand. tobin laughed at her noise, following her.

“look at this one, babe!” christen yelled over the crashing waves, holding up a piece of sky blue sea glass. she held it up to the sky, admiring it against the deep shades of pink, orange, and purple. “it’s almost carolina blue,” christen remarked, tucking it into her pocket.

and tobin couldn’t help herself any longer.

“i love you.”

christen looked up, not sure she heard tobin correctly.

“tobin?” christen asked, unable to move as tobin walked towards her. tobin stopped before getting too close, just close enough so that christen could definitely hear her.

“i love you, christen,” tobin said, clearly and sure of herself.

in that moment, with the sun rising behind her, reflecting golden on the ocean, the sky painted the most beautiful colors, christen was sure of one thing.

“i love you, tobin,” she whispered, unable to make her voice louder. they met in a kiss, sloppy and rushed, as if they thought they didn’t have much time. christen wasn’t sure where her hands were, but she knew tobin’s were everywhere, traveling up her body until they cupped her cheeks. both girls pulled back at the same time, leaving space for christen to say, louder this time, “i love you.”

in lieu of a response, tobin kissed her again, tongue and teeth and desperation, and so, so, full of love.

she was so in love.

***

the drive home was silent, in the best way possible. christen put on a playlist of her old favorite songs, but kept the volume low. every once in a while tobin commented on a song she particularly liked, and pretended not to notice when christen added them to a separate playlist, which may or may not have been titled ’tph.’

when they pulled into campus, it was close to 12 pm. tobin had gone straight to hinton james without thinking, unsure whether she should drop christen off or not. she groaned internally when she realized it was friday, and while that meant no classes, she still had soccer practice in two hours. tobin turned in her seat to face christen, stroking her cheek gently.

“i don’t wanna leave you, but i’ve got practice in two hours and should probably nap a little before,” tobin said reluctantly.

“you could nap in my room?” christen suggested, running her hand down tobin’s arm.

“no offense babe, but you’re kinda distracting. in the best way. i’m not sure i’d be able to sleep.” christen laughed and nodded, she understood. she was exhausted as well, but there was no way she’d let tobin sleep. all she wanted to do was kiss her, for a very, very long time.

“that’s smart, you’re right. i’ll see you soon.” for the first time christen could remember ‘i’ll see you soon’ was a statement, not a question. a statement she was fully confidant in. she made her way around to the drivers side, where tobin had rolled the window down. christen leaned on the door of the car, smiling as tobin pulled her closer by the back of her neck, kissing her softly.

“i love you,” tobin whispered, filling christen with a giddy feeling. she couldn’t hear those words enough. as if reading her mind, tobin pressed a kiss to christen’s cheek, close to her ear, and whispered it again.

“i love you too,” christen replied, relishing in the way the words rolled off her tongue, nothing had ever felt so right. christen stood with her arms wrapped around herself, watching sadly as tobin drove away. the events of the night suddenly hit her, her spontaneity was the most surprising off all. she was adventurous, sure, but she’d never pegged herself as the type of girl to up and drive to the beach in the middle of the night, just to see the sunrise on the ocean. christen laughed to herself, shaking her head in slight disbelief as she climbed up the stairs to her dorm.

inside, ali was folding laundry on the floor.

“hi al!” ali looked up from her laundry, eyeing christen skeptically as she started taking shells and sea glass out of her sweatshirt pocket.

“what in gods name compelled you to drive to the beach last night?” ali asked, leaning back on her hands, obviously waiting for an explanation. christen raised her eyebrows at ali, wondering how her roommate had known. “chris, you seem to have forgotten that i check up on your snap map when i don’t know where you are, and kelley and ash figured out pretty quickly that neither of you guys were on campus, ali explained, tossing a balled up sock at christen.

“stalker. we just… decided to go to the beach. we wanted to watch the sunrise.” christen plugged in her dead phone, and stripped out of her stiff from salty air sweatpants and sweatshirt. she wrapped up in her bathrobe and grabbed her shower caddy. “i’m gonna take a shower. if you feel compelled you’re welcome to come with me and interrogate me from the bathroom,” christen joked, not expecting ali to stand up and grab her own shower things.

“i need a shower too, let’s go.” christen was surprised, but shrugged and let ali follow her into the bathroom. she turned the water on scalding hot and stepped under, feeling her cold body begin to thaw. she’d been frozen since the waves hit her feet.

“so you just decided to go to the beach? just like that? that’s kinda cute as fuck, you know,” ali said from the next shower over. christen hoped no one came into the bathroom and heard them.

“yeah. she had a shitty few days so we studied and then… i don’t know, it was really random. decided to go to the beach. so we just got on the road and drove… ali, she told me she loves me,” christen admitted, half hoping ali wouldn’t hear her over the steady stream of water.

“christen!” christen laughed as she rinsed shampoo out of her hair. “christen, oh my god, that’s huge!”

“i know. i know it hasn’t been that long… not long at all, really, but it felt right, you know?” in the stall next to her, ali dropped her shampoo bottle, possibly out of excitement for her roommate.

“yeah, i know what you mean. so… you said it back?”

_oh, yeah. i did that. _

“yeah, i did.”

a few things hit christen at once. first, just how exhausted she was. then that she’d told tobin she loved her, and nothing bad had happened. tobin hadn’t gone running, hadn’t decided that christen was too much to handle. christen had to take a moment to remind herself that tobin had said it _first, _that tobin loved her, really loved her.

and god, christen loved her so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls appreciate this chapter i wrote it instead of my midterm paper yeet 
> 
> as always thoughts, comments, suggestions 
> 
> i love all your comments sm, i read every single one and they make my day.


	13. chapter twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> call to her heart i will offer my shield  
the sour has turned into sweet  
let not the wheat in this garden grow tall  
for they will choke the lemon tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a kinda eh filler chapter, but its cool bc its the second update this week  
enjoy i guess

chapter twelve:

this was not a good day. the moment christen had woken up she’d known, this was not going to be a good day. she’d woken up with the familiar dark cloud surrounding her, and the familiar sick feeling in her stomach. she’d stayed in bed much later than she should have, as late as possible without missing her class. her stomach churned and her throat felt tight, so she skipped breakfast and trudged straight to class. her body was unstable, dizzy and shaky. her mind was spiraling, spinning, it physically hurt. most of all, she didn’t understand why she was having a bad day. she'd sailed through the stress of midterms with no major hiccups. nothing in her life was particularly stressful, and christen was at a loss for what could have triggered her. 

to be completely honest, she preferred panic attacks to dark days like this one. at least she knew panic attacks would end, no matter how bad they got. when the dark feelings came, she had no idea when they’d go away. usually it would be a day or two, but she could remember times the clouds taking up space in her mind wouldn’t go away for months. after her first class, christen decided she couldn’t do anymore. she walked shamefully back to her dorm, kicked off her shoes, and climbed into bed. she laid face down in the mattress, praying for sleep to take her. when ali came in around lunch time, she was met with her roommate laying on her side, tears streaming down her face, staring blankly at the wall ahead of her. 

“christen? what’s wrong?” ali asked, walking towards christen’s bed to take a closer look at her roommate. christen shook her head.

“i don’t know, ali.”

she really had no idea. she knew that every time she closed her eyes intrusive thoughts attacked her. she knew that her nails were bitten to near bloody stumps. she knew that she couldn’t stop shaking or sweating. she knew how she felt, but she had no damn clue what was wrong. 

“are you sick?” ali reached out a hand to christen’s forehead, like a mother might. christen jerked away after a second.

“no, i’m not. i’m okay, just need to lay down, okay? please… just leave me alone,” christen pleaded, knowing the words were harsher than she intended. but she felt like at any moment she would fall apart. she was scared if she let her mouth open too long she would say something mean, throw up, sob, or all of the above. ali shook her head. "ali, i'm sorry..." 

“sure, chris, i get it. i’ve gotta go to class, call me if you need me?” ali didn't sound angry, christen hoped she understood. she felt bad for being rude when ali was just caring about her. christen heard the door shut and buried her face in her pillow again. she just wanted the bad feelings to stop.

a while later, minutes or hours, christen had no idea, the door opened and shut. she assumed it was ali, and didn’t look up or move from her position on her bed. but, she felt her bed shift, and someone lay down next to her. and there it was, the indescribable ‘tobin’ smell she’d come to love so much. she cried harder, now audibly and visibly sobbing. she felt a kiss being pressed to the top of her head, then back of her neck.

“hey, chris, hey,” tobin whispered, rubbing her hand over the small of christen’s back. she felt christen tense up underneath her, shaking her hand off. tobin took a deep breath, trying not to feel hurt by christen’s rejection. she tried again, this time refraining from touching her. “christen, what’s wrong? ali said you weren’t doing well… so i came by to check on you. but i’ll leave if you want, yeah?”

christen rolled onto her side, finally looking at tobin. brown eyes met green, christen’s clouded with tears, tobin’s clear as day. christen leaned forward wordlessly, still not trusting her mouth to open, and kissed tobin gently. tobin wrapped her arms around christen gingerly, not wanting to upset her again, and pulled her crying girlfriend into her chest. they were silent for a while, christen unable to speak and tobin not wanting to make things worse. she was confused. she’d only ever seen christen have panic attacks, hadn’t seen this silent, tearful, shutting down.

of course, the only other time this had happened at college christen had made sure tobin didn’t see it. now, there was no avoiding it.

suddenly, christen was very, very, sure she was going to throw up. she scrambled out of her bed as fast as she could, tobin sitting up in confusion, and darted across her room to the small trashcan. she was getting used to the familiar burn of bile in her throat, and almost welcomed it at this point. she needed to feel _something, _even negative. within seconds tobin was behind her, of course she was, rubbing her shoulders and lifting hair off of her neck. christen sat back on the floor, coughing a few times.

_how many times has tobin seen me throw up? three? fuck. _

“will you get me some water?” christen croaked out, pointing to her water bottle sitting on her dresser. she looked up to see tobin frowning at her phone, and quickly putting it away when she knew christen had seen her. tobin stood up and brought christen her water bottle, unscrewing the cap and holding it out. she shakily accepted it, nearly dropping as she took a sip.

“are you sick?” tobin asked, brushing sweaty strands of hair out of christen’s face. christen shook her head and took another small, careful sip of water.

“no. i’m… i’m having a bad day.” she didn’t elaborate much, and tobin didn’t press her. she was looking at her phone again. 

“have you eaten anything? what’d you do today?”

christen cringed. she knew tobin wouldn’t be happy with her. “i, uh, i didn’t eat anything yet. i woke up and felt shitty so i went to class without eating, but i took my meds… so that’s probably why i threw up…”

tobin raised her eyebrows. she only half believed christen. tobin didn’t need to say anything for christen to know she thought she was being lied to.

“tobs, it just happens sometimes. i should really eat, i know.” and that was the truth for christen. she had no idea what brought on her sad days, she just knew they happened. and she couldn’t shake away the funk, at least hadn’t figured out how to do so yet.

tobin leaned her head back, staring at christen’s ceiling. she felt her phone buzz in her back pocket, and knew it was probably kelley or ash. they hadn’t stopped texting or calling her all day, but she couldn’t bring herself to pick up. she hadn’t processed the events of the morning yet. none of this had come at a good time.

“what do you want to eat, lemme order you something,” tobin said, not really as a question but a statement. christen shook her head, clutching the trashcan to her stomach as if she might throw up again.

“i don’t know, anything i guess.” her head hurt and she felt sweat dripping down her sides. “i’m gonna take a shower, okay?”

“sure,” tobin said, and christen swore she heard exasperation or annoyance in her girlfriend’s voice. she didn’t know where it had come from, just moments earlier tobin had been patient and loving as ever. unsure, she took the plastic bag out of her trashcan, tying it off to throw away in the bathroom. christen left her room feeling worse than she had before tobin showed up. usually tobin made her feel much better, but she felt like tobin was annoyed with her, which sent her mind even further spiraling than it already was. she turned the shower on, turning the dial so the water would be as hot as possible. she stayed in the shower, leaning against the wall, until her skin was a rosy shade of pink, probably hot to the touch. she reluctantly left the shower, wrapping up in her robe and heading back to her room. when she walked in tobin was gone. christen felt like crying, but she had no tears left. instead of crying, she fully dried off and changed into clean sweats. she sat down in her bed, leaning against the wall. she always felt better after a hot shower, but it had done nothing to help her this time. she wondered if she should call or text tobin.

she was trying to decide if it would be annoying of her to call tobin when her door opened, answering for her. tobin walked in with two takeout bags, shutting the door behind her with her heel.

“how was your shower? i got chinese delivered, i got you soup, i think it’ll be good for you,” tobin explained nonchalantly, climbing up into christen’s bed and setting the bags down. christen couldn’t find words to respond, she was still in the headspace of thinking tobin had left without saying goodbye. “christen?”

“oh, thanks, tobs. shower was good.” christen sipped on her soup, unsure of how tobin was going to react to anything at this time. she wasn’t even looking at christen, she was texting, rather angrily. she hadn’t touched her food. christen tentatively reached out and placed her hand on tobin’s arm. “tobin? are you okay?” tobin set her phone down and finally looked at christen.

“yeah, i’m fine, sorry. kelley and ash just texting me about practice today,” tobin half lied. “hey, let’s watch something fun,” tobin suggested, grabbing christen’s laptop. christen agreed and put on a comedy they’d started watching together, but weren’t very far into. eventually, tobin pulled christen down to lay in her lap, and played with her hair while they watched. christen was starting to feel better about tobin, but she still felt generally uneasy. she really, really wanted to go to sleep, but it was only 1:30. another episode later, tobin bent down and kissed the side of christen’s face, gently nudging her to move.

“i gotta go to practice,” she reminded, jumping down from christen’s bed and taking their lunch trash with her. she checked her phone again, and frowned. christen sat up to get a better look at tobin as she left.

“have fun, i love you,” christen said, hoping to get some kind of positive response from her girlfriend. tobin just nodded and left.

and that hurt.

***

tobin jogged on to the pitch, she was ten minutes late. anson would no doubt make her run laps after practice. she tried to join the team in warming up without being noticed. for some ungodly reason, they were running _sprints _as part of their warmup. 

tobin was noticeably messing up in practice. her emotions were all over the place, as were her passes. she couldn't get out of her head and focus on the game. usually she played some of her best soccer when she was mildly angry, but she wasn't angry, just... sad. she should have told christen she loved her, she knew that. she shouldn’t have been annoyed, knowing christen was already having a bad day. tobin was sure she had made it worse, and she felt guilty as hell. anson called a water break and ashlyn, kelley, and ali jogged over to her. tobin threw a hand up in the air.

“guys, i can’t right now, okay?”

kelley placed her hands on her hips, not willing to give tobin space. she knew tobin needed to be yelled at, just a little.

“you didn’t tell her, did you?” kelley said, exasperated by her best friend. tobin looked up at the three girls watching her, each of them varying degrees of worried or disappointed.

“no, i didn’t. i’m still processing, okay?” tobin sounded like a hurt child, and ashlyn, always the softie, took pity. she wrapped tobin in a hug, patting her on the back in encouragement. kelley was not feeling as forgiving.

“tobin, this is huge. tell christen, and do it soon,” she demanded, clapping tobin on the shoulder before jogging back on the pitch, ali following her.

“she’s right, you know,” ashlyn said, somewhat sadly. she wanted the best for tobin.

“i know ash. i’m gonna get on it soon, okay? i… just a lot happening right now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof sorry 
> 
> anyway.... thanks so much for the comments and kudos! as always i love love love reading your comments! they make my day and make writing the next chapter easier (and im way more motivated lmao)
> 
> hmu on tumblr @sonny-flowerr


	14. chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> every time i look at you, it's like the first time   
i fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter   
she is the best thing, that's ever been mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey bros welcome back to the story sorry for leaving yall like that last week... hope this chap makes up for it

chapter thirteen:

“tobin, how much longer?” christen asked, wiping sweat off of her brow. tobin laughed, a beautiful sound that christen could only describe as glittery. tobin looked back at her exhausted girlfriend and reached out a hand. christen took it, and tobin all but dragged her up the incline of the trail. christen was a little ashamed of herself. she used to hike the trails around her house with her dogs every morning, but clearly she’d become more out of shape than she thought.

_gotta start going to the gym regularly, my god. _

“just a little further, babe,” tobin assured, stoping so christen could catch up with her. when their eyes met, each girl knew the millions of words that were going unspoken between them.

it had been a rough past few days. after christen’s episode and tobin’s out of character mood, christen had avoided calling or texting tobin for a while, until they sat next to each other in precalc a couple days later. tobin had leaned over and kissed christen’s cheek, and slid a piece of banana bread, christen’s favorite, over to her as an apology. in a voice christen swore she heard shaking, maybe cracking, she’d whispered, “chris, i’m sorry, i know i was weird the other day. it wasn’t you, i promise.”

christen had smiled and accepted the yummy peace offering, but she was still feeling unsure. when she asked tobin if she was okay, if she was doing better, tobin had shook her head and stared down at her lap.

“a little, but everything will be okay soon…”

of course, christen was still confused and uneasy. when tobin asked her to go on a hike friday afternoon, she became even more confused and uneasy.

and so, that was how they ended up on some trail along the eno, tobin promising they wouldn’t get lost or kidnapped. christen was feeling extremely out of shape compared to tobin, who hadn’t so much as broken a sweat. she had to stop and remind herself that tobin was, in fact, an athlete who trained pretty much every day of the week, so she shouldn’t feel too bad about herself. she was still annoyed with her ragged breathing for giving away just how tired she really was.

“have you hiked this before?” christen asked, catching up to tobin and joining their hands. tobin swung them back and forth as a child might.

“yeah, kell and i found it last year. i usually come here with her, once i came alone but… i got freaked out and thought i might get kidnapped, or killed, or something,” tobin said sheepishly, lifting up a branch for them to walk under.

“it’s a valid concern! anything could happen in the woods!” christen protested, happy that tobin didn’t go hiking alone. “i saw this one thing about a woman who went for a jog and-“

“chris, you’ve got to stop watching those true crime shows so often. it’s not good for you.” christen rolled her eyes playfully.

“you say that now, but when i’m able to escape my potential murderer and you’re dead in the woods you won’t be laughing!”

“no, i’ll be very serious. and very dead. i promise. does that make you feel better?” tobin joked, christen nodding smugly. “look, there it is!” christen’s eyes followed tobin’s pointed finger, her gaze settling on a flat rock overlooking the river below them. it was a beautiful spot, surrounded by the colorful fall leaves, just the right amount of sun shining through. tobin spread out a blanket from her backpack, and revealed a lunchbox as well. christen raised her eyebrows, curious about the impromptu picnic she was apparently attending.

“sit down, i brought food,” tobin said, unzipping the lunchbox. ‘food’ to tobin apparently meant peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and capri suns. christen couldn’t complain, just smiled fondly at her girlfriends childishness. she sat down across from her, taking a sandwich. “okay, so, i need to apologize.” christen shook her head.

“tobs, you did. i need to apologize, i haven’t really been there for you. you’re clearly going through something, and i hope you can talk to me about it. i haven’t been as supportive to you as you are to me.”

“no, chris, stop. you were having a shitty day already and i made it worse. i know i made you feel bad, and i’m so sorry, okay?” tobin shuffled closer to christen, taking one of her hands.

“okay, i accept your apology. but, i hope you’ll accept mine, too. i really haven’t been there for you the way you’ve been there for me, and i’m going to try a lot harder, okay?” christen really did feel bad. she’d been thinking about this a lot lately. she’d always considered herself an extremely caring and empathetic person, especially to her friends, but she knew she could do better. tobin nodded, knowing she wouldn’t win this one.

“okay, babe, okay. but i know you’re trying, yeah? and i’ve never felt like i didn’t have your support, please know that,” tobin promised, taking christen’s sandwich out of her hand and placing it in the lunchbox so she could hold both of her hands. suddenly the mood was serious.

“talk to me, tobin,” christen whispered, hoping tobin would share whatever was on her mind.

tobin looked down at the blanket, out at the river, anywhere but christen’s eyes, before whispering, “i got a call up for national team camp.”

“holy shit!” christen yelped, throwing her hands over her mouth in astonishment. tobin grinned and laughed. “oh my god, babe, that’s amazing!” christen surged forward to kiss tobin, who was actually tearing up a little. when she pulled away, a tear had fallen out of tobin’s eye and was trailing down her face. christen wiped it away gently with her thumb. tobin’s eyes glistened, vulnerable and beautiful.

“i’m okay, don’t worry. i’m just really overwhelmed… i haven’t fully processed everything, you know?” christen nodded, and wiped away another stray tear.

“tobin, i’m so proud of you. you deserve this.”

tobin smiled and looked down at the ground again. her voice was shaky when she spoke. “yeah, i hope so. it’s just for camp, i probably won’t get any caps or actually be put on the roster… you know, they want to start scouting and developing players and all that… but, it’s a start, i just can’t believe it’s happening to me.”

“when did you find out?” tobin bit her lip.

“the other day, a few hours before i came to your room. i had been talking to ash and kelley about it, and i was really freaked out. so that’s why i was being so weird, i guess. and they kept texting me and telling me i needed to tell you, but you weren’t doing well and i didn’t want to put my problems on you,” tobin admitted, holding tighter on christen’s hands. christen was overcome with guilt. she tried so hard not to hate herself in that moment. she knew it wasn’t her fault that she had a bad episode, but it had kept her from being there for tobin. she cursed her brain for keeping her from who she loved, from helping her and being there to witness such a monumental moment in her career. christen took a deep breath, trying not to dwell on the past. it never did her any good.

“i’m sorry tobin, i wish i had been okay so you could talk to me. but, i’m here now… why were you upset?” tobin took a deep, shaky breath. christen could tell she wasn’t sad, or upset, just overwhelmed. the good kind of emotional.

“i don’t know, to be honest. i’ve always wanted to play for the national team, but… i kinda didn’t think it would ever happen. i’ve always wanted to play soccer professionally, but i knew i had to have a backup plan and now… maybe i don’t need the backup plan, you know? i’m just really overwhelmed that this is happening to me. and when i found out, i kinda freaked out, no idea why, and didn’t process it well. then i went to your place after ali texted me, and i was worried about you, and kelley and ash were texting me and trying to figure out what was wrong, and telling me i needed to tell you… everything was blown out of proportion honestly. just a lot of emotions. but, i’m so, so, happy.” christen grinned so wide her cheeks hurt. this was all she wanted for tobin, happiness and soccer, which more often than not went hand in hand for tobin.

“i understand, even happy emotions can be too much.”

tobin was struck by her girlfriend’s words, they were exactly what she’d been feeling. she couldn’t put it into words herself, but christen said it perfectly.

“yeah, that’s it.”

“tobin, i’m so proud of you. even if you don’t make it to the roster, this is so amazing. your first call up and you’re only 19!” tobin grinned, christen was making her more and more excited about her upcoming prospects. she couldn’t believe christen hadn’t been the first person she’d told. for some reason, she’d been afraid. now, with christen smiling, unable to stop telling her how proud she was, tobin had no idea why she’d ever been afraid.

“i love you, chris,” she whispered, leaning forward to kiss christen’s cheek. christen’s heart melted just a little. she’d needed to hear that. she kissed tobin gently, once, twice, three times, before whispering to her.

“i love you, too, tobs.”

for the next few hours, they stayed on the rock doing nothing much in particular. they ate their sandwiches, christen complimenting tobin’s peanut butter spreading technique, and tobin laughing at christen for doing so. they talked about classes, mostly psych, which was kicking christen’s ass. a few hikers passed by here and there, some with dogs which christen insisted on introducing herself to. occasionally one would steal a kiss, and they would briefly get lost in each other before remembering they were in public. even so, other than the occasional hiker, they were alone with the woods. it was healing from the rough few days, exactly what both girls needed. when the sun began to set, casting bright light through the trees, christen decided they should go home. as they walked back to tobin’s car, christen realized she’d somehow forgotten to ask some important details about tobin’s news. she waited until they were on the road heading back to campus to ask.

“tobs, when is camp? i got so excited i forgot to ask.” 

“uh… i’ll have to check to make sure, but it’s definitely over winter break. i think it’s the 28th through the 11th.”

“where?”

“LA. not sure specifically, but LA,” tobin said, and christen grew even more excited.

“babe, that’s like an hour away from me!” tobin took her eyes of the road for a second to grin at christen.

“maybe… i’ll come visit you? or you can come see me… if you want…” tobin’s voice was shy, as if she thought christen wouldn’t want to see her.

“of course i will, i wanna see you kick ass with the national team.” what christen didn’t say is that she thought tobin would look super hot kicking ass with the national team, in the USA kits. she kept that bit to herself and focused on her girlfriends accomplishments.

christen leaned back in her seat and stared out the window. the trees flew by, light flashing in between the leaves and branches. it always used to annoy her when she was little. the flashes of light between the trees would overwhelm her, making her upset, and she would close her eyes to avoid them. now, she stared them down. let the setting sun poke through the trees and flash in her eyes as they drove by. she felt a hand on her thigh, brief before tobin had to change gears, but still there. christen had come to realize that tobin’s jeep was one of her happy places now. the small space felt so safe to her. their hair whipped around, spinning in the wind let in through the rolled down windows. the smell of north carolina fall that christen had come to love surrounded her. one of tobin’s playlists played in the background, something soft and sweet sounding filling the air. when christen turned to face tobin, she was mouthing along to the words. christen couldn’t help herself, she reached out her hand and gently traced her fingers over the side of tobin’s face.

“yeah?” tobin asked, as if christen’s fingers posed a question.

“nothing,” christen whispered, not sure tobin could hear her over the sounds of wind and music. a little louder, because she wanted to be sure tobin heard her, she added, “you’re beautiful.” tobin rolled her eyes, but christen knew she was hiding a smile.

the crinkles by her eyes gave her away.

***

back in tobin’s dorm, christen was feeling bold. bold, but also scared. she was conflicted. for a little while now, christen had been sure she was ready to go all the way with tobin. she just worried she couldn’t trust herself. trusting her body was difficult, and trusting her brain was even worse. she was worried that her brain was lying to her, that she wasn’t ready to take things further with tobin. she wanted to trust her brain, and let her body do the rest, but she was scared that she would shut down, like she always did. still, she wanted to trust herself. all she knew was that she felt so, so, safe with tobin. and so loved. by now, she also knew that tobin would stop if christen was scared. so, christen had decided: she was ready to have sex with tobin. she was still scared, but it felt like the good kind of scared, like when you get to the top of a rollercoaster, and know you’re about to fall, but the fall will be thrilling. christen was starting to trust, trust that maybe things would be okay.

they stepped into tobin’s room, and no sooner had tobin gotten her shoes off, christen turned around and kissed her. tobin laughed, a little surprised, but melted into the kiss nonetheless. christen draped her arms over tobin’s shoulders, allowing one hand to grasp the back of her neck and pull her closer. tobin pulled back suddenly, leaving christen wanting more. tobin didn’t leave her waiting for very long. she took christen’s hand and pulled her towards the bed, both of them laughing as they awkwardly climbed in.

aside from pulling her into bed, tobin was wary to initiate things. she let christen decide how they would lay, ending up with tobin on her back, propped up against her pile of pillows, and christen straddling her hips. it was a position they’d been in many times, but both girls knew it felt different. christen was letting herself feel aroused, not trying to push the feelings away.

“chris,” tobin whispered, reaching up to gently brush christen’s hair back. “what do you want?”

_what a loaded question_.

“i want… i wanna be with you. i’m ready, i just wanna be with you,” christen rushed out, her cheeks blushing a light shade of pink. tobin nodded and kissed her again, deeper, filled with emotion.

“i wanna be with you, too, but only if you’re ready, you know i’ll go as slow as you need to, yeah?” tobin whispered, because for some reason she was unable to make her voice any louder.

and, oh, there it was. right there, that was why christen knew she was ready, even if she didn’t fully trust her body yet. because she trusted tobin. she trusted tobin with her body, to take care of her, to listen to her, to be gentle. she trusted tobin and that made her trust herself even more. christen loved her so much.

“i know, and that make’s me feel so, so, safe, i need you to know that… that you’re the reason i’m ready, okay? you’ve made me see that i’m worthy of… you, and love, and all that.,” christen confessed, framing tobin’s face with her hands. it was so like her to turn a make out session into an emotional spill.

“chris, you always have been. and… you’ve done the same for me, more than you know.”

christen didn’t get to see the vulnerable side of tobin very often. when she did, it was one of her favorite sides of tobin.

“i love you,” christen stated, leaning down and kissing tobin again.

“i love you,” tobin mumbled against christen’s lips, before suddenly pulling away. “shit, kelley.”

christen tilted her head to one side. “tobin, in the future, you should avoid saying kelley’s name while kissing me,” christen joked, but she was genuinely confused. tobin laughed and kissed her cheek.

“sorry babe. that was weird, i know. but it’s eight, and movie night at the soccer house starts in 30. kelley says i have to go ‘or else’ and knowing kelley, that means i should go…”

“oh,” christen said, mildly disappointed. she wanted to continue whatever had been happening with them, but her body was also feeling overwhelmed. slow was good for her, she knew, her impatience just didn’t like it. “um.. can i come? i know it’s team bonding but…. never mind, i’ll go to my place, sorry-“ tobin cut her off with a kiss.

“please come with me, i don’t want you to leave yet… or ever, but thats besides the point. come with me?”

christen smiled and nodded. tobin climbed out of her bed to find her shoes and coat, but christen had to take a few deep breaths to calm down. she couldn’t ignore the burning in the pit of her stomach, craving for more of tobin.

_deep breaths. _

***

the soccer house was loud. it wasn’t a party, just the team, but it may as well have been. girls were pouring drinks and fixing snacks in the kitchen, singing along loudly and off key to lizzo. from what christen knew of the team, it was very on brand for them. as soon as they walked into the kitchen, pinoe shouted at them.

“tobito! look who finally decided to show up, god damn guest of honor is late to her own party!” tobin looked confused, which made pinoe laugh at her. “i know you’re too absorbed in your girlfriend’s face to notice, but you did actually get a call up for the national team, so we’re celebrating you, dumbass,” pinoe explained, thrusting a drink into tobin’s hand. now that christen looked, she did see a large ‘congratulations’ banner hung up, with a handwritten ’tobin #98’ cardboard sign taped up underneath it. “hey christen, good to see you,” pinoe added, clapping christen’s shoulder in a very ‘older brother but actually your girlfriends teammate’ kind of way.

“hey pinoe!” christen greeted enthusiastically, starting to feel less and less shy around tobin’s team.

“there she is!” someone shouted. kelley burst through a few of the girls, wearing a party hat, of course. she wrapped tobin and christen both in a hug. christen would say she was tipsy, but this was just kelley. “so, chris, she told you, huh?” kelley asked, snapping a party had on christen’s head.

“yup, she did,” christen confirmed, leaning into tobin’s side.

“fucking finally,” kelley grumbled, but her eyes sparkled. various teammates filtered through to congratulate tobin, many of them introducing themselves to christen for the first time as well.

when tobin was occupied by carli, emily snuck over and placed a hand on christen’s arm. christen turned to face her. she really hadn’t spoken to emily much at all since that night, she’d been a little embarrassed. still, she felt like they were close.

“emily!” christen greeted, opening her arms for a hug, which emily enthusiastically accepted.

“christen! how are you? i haven’t seen you in a while, but linds says you’re doing really well?” suddenly kelley popped up behind emily, smacking a kiss on her cheek before disappearing back into the group of girls. emily rolled her eyes.

“yeah, i’m good… a lot better since the last time you saw me, obviously,” christen joked, getting a small chuckle from emily.

“i’m glad,” emily said, and before she could say anything else, pinoe was standing on a chair and yelling at everyone.

“alright team, we’re gonna start the movie now, let’s head upstairs!” christen looked around for tobin, eyes settling on her talking to two girls she thought she recognized. as she got closer, she realized one of them was moe, ali’s friend who she’d hung out with in her first few weeks at UNC. they hugged and briefly caught up before being corralled upstairs.

christen sat down in a large chair, motioning for tobin to join her. tobin sat in between her legs, leaning back on christen’s chest. christen wrapped her arms around tobin’s waist and slotted her chin over the other girls shoulder. it was a rare occurrence, but christen was deciding she loved holding tobin. it was usually the other way around, but she loved this just as much, maybe even a little more. while becky set up the movie, the girls around them chattered. a few freshmen who were still starstruck by tobin shyly glanced over at her, looking like they wanted to talk but were feeling shy. christen smiled internally, remembering when she had felt that same way, like an irrelevant freshman who had no chance with _tobin heath. _but, here she was. alex and pinoe were sharing the chair next to them, throwing napkins at tobin.

“tobin, you just look so cute! we can’t help it,” alex insisted, giggling and throwing more balled up napkins at her teammate. she was clearly a little tipsy. “oh my god, christen, is tobin the little spoon?” alex asked, her eyes widening. christen blushed, not sure how to answer. pinoe answered for her by smacking alex with a pillow.

“alexandra! don’t ask her that, you’ll scare her off! tobin would never forgive us!” christen laughed at the girls antics, including when tobin started throwing the napkins back at alex in revenge. christen wrapped her arms tighter around tobin’s small waist, pulling her in closer, so her back was flush against her chest. christen drowned out the noise of tobin’s rowdy teammates, focused only on the girl in her arms. tobin was talking animatedly to kling, yelling at the shorter girl standing across the room. her eyes were shining, her skin flushed with excitement. as always, christen couldn’t believe just how beautiful tobin was.

the movie of the night was tangled, a movie from childhood christen had never stopped loving. as the opening credits rolled, alex leaned over to whisper in christen’s ear.

“she’ll never admit it, but this is probably tobin’s favorite movie,” alex confided, pretending as if tobin couldn’t hear her. of course, she did.

“alex i heard that, shut up, christen still thinks i’m cool.” christen giggled and kissed tobin’s temple.

“sure, babe, whatever you say,” christen joked, whispering something about how much she loved the movie in tobin’s ear, quiet enough no one could hear them. throughout the movie, the team continued to chat silently. the room was full of so much energy they never fully quieted down. most of the girls were talking to tobin about the call up, asking questions about the camp, the coaches, and who she would be playing with. christen sat back and enjoyed watching tobin talk excitedly and animatedly, clearly excited for the next big step.

“wait, so where is camp?” carli asked from across the room.

“oh, it’s in LA. apparently it’s pretty close to christen’s hometown,” tobin added, pinching christen’s thigh lightly. christen nodded as a confirmation. suddenly ali, who’d been fairly silent, chimed in.

“tobin, you go up on the 28th right? that’s christen’s birthday!” christen shot a glare across the room at ali, she was mildly embarrassed. “sorry chris, i had to.” tobin craned her neck to look back at christen.

“babe, you didn’t tell me that! i’ll have to come see you!”

“yeah, we’ll figure something out,” christen agreed. she’d of course known tobin would be flying in to california on her birthday, but hadn’t said anything because she didn’t want to make tobin’s big news about herself. but, she’d secretly hoped that she’d be able to see tobin on her birthday.

christen took a moment to look at all of the people in the room with her. all of the girls were animated with joy, all of them excited for their teammate. christen was so surprised that she didn’t see one hurt face, or one false smile. from what she could tell, there was no resentment or jealousy. just support. christen was reminded how much she missed the atmosphere of a team. at least teams like this one. she was honored to be even a small part of it, as tobin’s girlfriend.

about halfway through the movie, christen wiggled herself out from underneath tobin, whispering to her that she was going to the kitchen to get some water. the room had quieted down, most of the girls growing tired or enamored in the movie. many of them were singing along with rapunzel, emily giving an especially entertaining performance.

christen made her way downstairs, vaguely aware of the footsteps behind her. in the kitchen, she opened the fridge, looking for the pitcher of water she knew would be there. she turned around with the pitcher, and was suddenly engulfed in a hug. kelley wrapped her arms around christen, hugging her tight.

“thank you, christen,” kelley whispered, pulling away from a very surprised christen.

“uh, you’re welcome? thanks for what?” christen asked, confused.

“thank you for what you’ve done for tobin. i’ve never seen her happier, and i know you’ve got something to do with it.” christen poured herself a glass of water, as well as one for tobin, but didn’t speak, knowing kelley surely had more to say. she usually did. “i mean, she was always okay, but the only, like, joy in her life was soccer. i was starting to worry that nothing else would ever make her as happy as she is with a ball at her feet, but then one day she meets you, and, like, can’t fucking shut up about you, and i’ve never seen her this happy. i think you’ve shown her that soccer doesn’t have to be her only happiness. you’re just so special to her, i hope you see it,” kelley said, and christen was pretty sure both of them were tearing up.

“kelley, i don’t know what to say. she’s amazing, all i want is for her to be happy, and if i’m a part of that… that’s all i can ask for,” christen said, filled with emotions.

“you are. she’s one of the best people i know, she deserves the world. and when we first met you, i was so skeptical at first, cause she couldn’t stop talking about this girl she’d just met, like ten minutes ago, and it was so unlike her. you know you’re her first girlfriend?” christen nodded. she’d been surprised, but she knew. “yeah, you changed her. i don’t know what it is that you too have, but it’s beautiful, and… i’m sorry, i know this is weird for you. but, she’s my best friend and i’m just so glad to see her this happy.” kelley wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.

“it means so much to hear that, kelley. i hope you know she means just as much to me. she’s changing my life,” christen admitted. kelley nodded, smiling like a proud mother.

“i know. okay, enough of that. i just had to tell you how thankful i am for you.”

christen was about to say something else, before they were interrupted.

“what are you guys doing? kelley, are you crying?” kelley turned around to see tobin walking in, looking at them suspiciously.

“we were just talking about you, none of your business,” christen explained, handing tobin her water cup. kelley said nothing, just winked at them and then left to go back upstairs.

“christen, what were you talking about?” tobin pressed, staring christen down. christen reached out and tapped tobin on the nose as she did every so often.

“you.” tobin rolled her eyes exasperatedly.

“chris!”

“just how much both of us love you, that’s all,” christen assured, leaning in to kiss tobin gently.

“mm, i love you, too.”

“yeah, kelley told me,” christen joked, earning a pinch to her side from tobin.

“about that, remind me to be mad at her later… but, she also told me she’s staying at emily’s tonight… so my dorm is empty…” tobin said in a low voice, taking christen’s hands in hers and swaying back and forth.

_okay, yeah, i like this. _

“where’s lindsey?” christen asked, instead of taking the bait.

“she’s at her parents for the weekend, i think. hey, you don’t have to come over or anything, i didn’t mean to make it sound like-“ christen cut her off with a kiss.

“no, of course i’m coming over.”

they returned to the movie a few minutes later, sitting back down in their same chair, this time christen in tobin’s lap. the sun had long since set, and the lights were out, the only light illuminating the room from the movie and a string of twinkle lights hanging over a door. christen leaned her head back on tobin’s shoulder, trying to remain composed as tobin ran her fingers up and down her thigh. both girls were aware that the mood had changed between them. tobin’s fingers brushed her inner thigh lightly, making her shiver from the simple touch alone.

_this movie needs to end, like now. _

thankfully, about thirty minutes later, what felt like the longest thirty minutes ever, the end credits rolled, and girls started to stand up and stretch. many of them lived in the soccer house, and retreated to their bedrooms. almost all the girls filtered by tobin again to say goodnight and congratulations, making it take even longer for them to finally get out of the house.

when they stepped out onto the sidewalk, the chill in the air felt like pinpricks on christen’s face, but she loved the cold. she turned to look at tobin walking next to her, who had her head tilted upwards tolook at the stars as she walked, christen smiled and slipped her cold hand into tobin’s warm one, giving it a tight squeeze.

they were unusually silent the entire way back to tobin’s dorm, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. christen could have stayed in that silence forever. when tobin closed the door behind them, she met christen’s hooded eyes with her own.

“what do you wanna do?” tobin whispered, her voice low, almost scratchy. christen placed a hand on tobin’s cheek.

“everything,” she replied, leaning in and kissing her.

and, oh, the look on tobin's face was absolutely beautiful. 

"okay," tobin whispered. "okay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyhow leave a comment on your favorite part, something you hope to see happen, predictions, or anything else! i love reading your comments and they motivate me to write the next chapter faster. 
> 
> as always my tumblr is @sonny-flowerr come watch me shitpost


	15. chapter fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you're the fire and the flood  
and i'll always feel you in my blood   
everything is fine, when your hands resting next to mine  
you're the fire and the flood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, in the last chapter i wrote christen’s birthday on the 28th when it is in fact the 29th. let’s just pretend i didn’t make that mistake. a fool, that’s what i am! 
> 
> okay bros, so this chapter is... pretty much entirely smut. i recognize that this isn't everyones jam, so if it isn't yours, i'd just skip this chapter. however, it is important to the plot (imo) so i felt i needed to include it. (also, unlike most other chaps this one flows DIRECTLY from the last one so if you're confused thats probably why)   
enjoy

chapter fourteen

the silence in the room was deafening, even though they were surrounded by noise. christen could vaguely hear music down the hall, some girls shouting, and a horn honking outside. but, it was silent still. silent, because tobin and christen were back in their bubble. it was like nothing could hurt them, nothing could reach them, not when they were together.

”okay,” tobin whispered. she reached behind christen and flipped the lock on their door, never breaking eye contact. it was excruciating, in the best way possible. tobin stepped in closer to christen, pressing her up against the door. when their lips met, it was slow and soft. nothing like christen would expect. she’d expected heat, and maybe aggressive kisses, but tobin was as soft and kind as ever. tobin pulled away, dragging christen’s lower lip through her teeth. she moved her lips away from christen’s, to her jawline where she lightly scraped her teeth over the skin. christen shivered underneath her, already close to moaning out loud. tobin had moved again, now kissing the soft skin of christen’s neck.

"i love you, i love you," tobin whispered into her skin. "you're so beautiful, christen." 

christen leaned back, resting her head on the door and allowing tobin better access to her neck. she took a deep breath, letting out a shaky sigh. she tried to exhale any fear she had, breathing in the smell of tobin she loved so much. tobin had moved down to her collar bone, gently nipping and sucking at the skin. christen wondered if tobin would leave a mark. she secretly hoped she would. christen let her hands wander, one slipping under the hem of tobin’s tee shirt and the other holding onto her hair. tobin started kissing her way back up christen’s neck, jaw, and cheek, finally joining their lips again. it was at this point that christen realized she should do something as well, so she started backing tobin up towards her bed.

“get in bed?” christen asked, kicking her shoes and socks off. tobin quickly did the same before climbing into her bed, holding her hand out for christen to follow.

“baby, what do you want me to do?” tobin asked.

baby, that was new. tobin always called her chris, or babe, but she’d never called her baby before. christen shivered, she liked it.

“i don’t know,” christen replied, unsure of what to do with her body. it must have been obvious, because tobin took control. she sat back against her pillows, pulling christen to straddle her hips as they often did. she pulled her down for a kiss, almost all tongue and teeth. christen slipped her hands under tobin's tee shirt, letting herself explore. she felt abs flexing under her fingertips, tightening as tobin shivered ever so slightly. 

christen still couldn't believe she had that kind of affect on tobin. and for some reason, that scared her. she was reminded of how inexperienced she really was. christen wanted this to be good for tobin, and she was terrified all of a sudden that tobin wouldn't think she was good enough. rationally, she knew this wouldn't happen. still, she suddenly froze up. 

“tobin, i’m scared,” christen admitted. tobin took christen’s face in her hands and kissed her lips softly, the most reassuring kiss she could muster up.

“you wanna stop? we can forget all about it, put on a movie or something."

christen covered her eyes and looked down, unsure of how to talk to tobin all of a sudden. “no, i’m not scared like that. i’m ready. i’m scared i won’t be good, that it won’t be good for you.”

“hey, baby, look at me, yeah?” christen looked up and met tobin's brown eyes, which alone made her feel safer. “you’re scared cause this is new to you, yeah?” christen nodded. her cheeks flamed a light shade of pink, she hated being reminded of that. “me too, it’s new for me too,” tobin said, leaving christen confused. she opened her mouth to speak, but tobin spoke first.

“yeah, it is. i’ve never... i’ve never been in love, you’re my first for that. i love you, and that’s new for me, and i’m scared too, because this is the first time sex has ever meant anything to me,” tobin explained.

_in love. tobin said in love._

“okay.” christen whispered. she didn’t bother arguing, pointing out to tobin that she loved her too, that not only was this her first time with anyone but she loved tobin so much and was scared it wouldn’t be good for her.

“i know you’re still worried, i know you.” tobin said, calling her out.

christen nodded, placing both hands on tobins shoulders to steady herself.

“you’re right, i am. a little.” she leaned down to kiss her, softly but wanting more. “but not too much. i want this. just help me, help me be good for you.”

“okay,” tobin whispered, running her hands up and down christen’s arms. “okay, but i promise you don't need my help. you're already amazing.”

"i love you," christen whispered, brushing a strand of hair out of tobin's eyes. 

"i love you, too. so much." 

and then they were kissing again, and it was much deeper than any make out they’d had. christen grabbed the hem of tobin’s shirt in her fist, messing with it for a moment before using both hands to lift up her up over her head. she threw it off the bed, landing in a pile somewhere on tobin's messy floor.

christen looked down at the now exposed girl underneath her. christen nervously traced her fingers over the outline of tobins abs, up towards the edge of her bra. she looked back up at tobin, her eyes asking for permission to touch.

“can i?” christen asked in a small voice.

“please,” tobin replied, steadying her hands on christen’s waist. christen took a deep breath and ran her fingers over the swells of tobin’s breasts, admiring how shaky tobin's breathing became.

_that's because of me. _

“off,” christen instructed, not bothering to try and take the bra off herself, knowing how difficult it was to take off a sports bra. tobin nodded and sat up all the way, struggling minimally to remove her bra. she threw it to the floor with her shirt, landing with a soft thump. and then, tobin was naked from the waist up, and christen wasn’t sure what to do next. she swallowed hard as she stared, just taking a moment and admiring her girlfriend.

"can i touch?" christen asked, not wanting to do anything without tobin's consent. tobin nodded, and christen reached out to touch her bare breast, fingers grazing over a nipple. tobin shivered when christen took it between her finger tips, rolling it gently.

“god, chris,” tobin whispered, her voice close to a moan.

“tell me what to do, how to make you feel good,” christen asked, attaching her lips to tobins neck and kissing. she felt tobin swallow hard. christen gently pushed her back down, so she was again laying against her pillows.

“um, okay, use, use your mouth, on my boobs,” tobin instructed, almost shyly. christen nodded and lowered her head, gently licking one of tobin’s nipples. she covered the other with her hand, gently rubbing the skin with her fingertips. when she grazed tobin's nipple with her teeth, a hand flew to her shoulder and squeezed. 

“yeah, yeah, that’s good,” tobin croaked, unable to say much else. christen sucked gently, working a low groan past tobin’s lips. the sound went straight to christen’s core, making her suddenly uncomfortable, in the best way possible. she switched her mouth to the other nipple, lightly scraping her teeth over the bud. tobin couldn’t take it anymore, she tapped christen’s back signaling for her to sit up. when christen was more upright, tobin surged forward to kiss her, tugging at the bottom of christen’s shirt.

“can i?” tobin asked, pulling back to look at christen’s face, scanning for any sign of fear or discomfort.

“yes, please.” tobin quickly lifted christen’s shirt over her head, admiring her girlfriends body. until then she’d only seen glimpses, and felt guilty staring. now, she openly raked her eyes over christen’s body, leaning down to kiss her collar bones. suddenly feeling shy, christen wrapped her arms around her stomach. she was suddenly worried tobin wouldn't like what she saw. a small part of christen wondered what kind of bodies tobin was used to, she suspected mostly athletes, all toned and muscular. christen knew she didn't look like that, hadn't for a while now. even in the prime of her soccer years, she hadn't been nearly as toned as tobin. now, whatever abs she use to have had faded away, and christen was suddenly self conscious. 

"chris?" tobin asked, growing worried. "what's up? did i go to fast?" 

christen shook her head and looked back up to see tobin's worried face. "no, no, i'm sorry. i just... it's silly, i just want you to like what you see, you know?" even though she was a little scared, and definitely embarrassed, christen was learning that open communication was very important, and she needed to practice it. 

"christen, you know i love you, right?" christen nodded. "i love you no matter what your stomach looks like, babe. i'm in love with you, your body doesn't change that. and... for the record, you're like, really, really fucking hot, okay? like, oh my god, can't believe i actually got you to go out with me kind of hot." 

christen laughed, finally moving her arms away from her stomach. she couldn't ignore that tobin had said _in love_ again. it made her heart swell. "mm, i love you too." 

tobin ran her hands up christen's stomach, over her bra, to her upper back. 

“can i take this off?” tobin asked again, her fingers finding the clasp of christen’s bra.

“yes,” christen whined, not realizing how impatient she’d grown. tobin leaned in and kissed her again, long and soft. she pulled back and unhooked christen’s bra, guiding the straps down her shoulders and off of her body. christen tilted her head down, hiding her body with her long hair. she felt fingers on her chin, lifting her head up to look tobin in the eyes.

“hey,” tobin whispered. “i love you, so much. you’re so, so, beautiful.” she brushed christen’s hair over her shoulder, running her fingers from the top of christen’s shoulder down her breast. “tell me to stop and i will, okay?” christen nodded. but she knew she wouldn’t be telling tobin to stop. she wanted this.

“i love you, too.”

suddenly tobin was flipping them over, lowering christen gently down onto the bed. she pressed kisses to her jaw, down her sternum, ending in between her breasts. she moved to one, taking the peak into her mouth and letting her teeth scratch gently over the nipple. christen arched her back, a hand flying to tobin's hair. tobin switched to the other nipple, leaving the first shiny and cold. christen could feel herself growing wetter by the second. her leggings suddenly felt constricting. she needed them off, soon. without even telling her, tobin seemed to understand, kissing down christen’s stomach, murmuring something about just how beautiful christen was, making her way to her hip bones. she bit down lightly on one of them, before tugging at the waistband of christen’s leggings. but, because she was tobin, and she was so intent on making christen feel safe, she waited.

“tobin, just take them off, please. yours too,” christen said impatiently, running her hands over her own nipples, rolling one between her thumb and forefinger.

“okay,” tobin whispered, tapping the side of christen’s hip so she would lift her body and allow for tobin to slide her leggings off. before removing her own sweats, tobin took a moment to admire her girlfriend again. laying on her messy bed, naked except for her yellow lacy underwear. her hair was spread out like a halo around her head, and her chest heaved ever so slightly.

tobin tried to be as graceful as she could while taking of her sweatpants, leaving her only in her underwear as well. suddenly feeling like she needed to slow things down, tobin crawled back up christen’s body to kiss her.

“christen,” tobin whispered through kisses. “i love you, so, so, so much. you’re my everything, baby.” christen smiled a watery smile, determined not to cry during sex. she would not be that girl, at least not yet. maybe another time. maybe. 

“i love you so very much, toby,” christen whispered back. tobin started kissing back down her body, again paying special attention to each of christen’s nipples, leaving them hard and shiny as she moved down her body. when tobin came to christen’s underwear, she placed a kiss over them, inhaling the smell of christen’s arousal. she looked back up at christen, who was propped up on her elbows to be able to see tobin.

“can i take these off?” tobin asked. christen couldn’t find the words to respond, she just nodded. tobin inched them down her legs, off of her body, unable to ignore the wet patch as she threw them over the edge of the bed.

christen was completely naked. contrary to what she'd expected, christen felt completely safe. she didn’t know exactly what she wanted, but she knew she needed tobin. needed to be touched.

“what do you want, baby?” tobin whispered, running her hands over christen’s hips and waist.

“i don’t know, just, just touch me, please,” christen half begged. tobin nodded and leaned forward to kiss her again, mostly to calm her.

“okay, okay. i will.”

and then, tobin was dipping her fingers into christen’s wet folds, sliding against her clit ever so slightly. it was enough to make christen moan, she was just that turned on.

“you’re so wet, baby,” tobin husked, bringing her fingers up to her mouth and sucking. christen swore she almost came right then and there, entirely untouched. in lieu of response, she just moaned again, prompting a small chuckle from tobin. tobin touched her again, this time applying more pressure to her clit. christen was unsure what to do with her hands, her body, anything.

“inside,” she choked out, directing tobin.

“alright, remember you can tell me to stop, okay?” christen nodded, and was about to say something else, but then tobin slipped a finger inside of her and her mind went blank. she hadn’t known something so simple could feel so good. she briefly thought back to her messy high school experiences, and how they had just left her in pain, and feeling ashamed. but this.... this was totally different. tobin moved her finger slowly, thrusting in and out ever so gently while still applying light pressure to her clit with her thumb.

“how’s that feel, chris?” tobin asked, leaning down to kiss her hip bone.

“it’s good, so good. another?” tobin didn’t reply, but christen felt her slip another finger in, her pace quickening. christen spread her legs wider, allowing tobin to thrust even deeper into her.

“fuck, toby,” christen breathed out, not sure how much longer she would last. the slight pressure of tobin’s thumb on her clit was too much and not enough at the same time. christen hadn’t expected herself to be able to come from just fingering alone, but now she was so close to doing so.

“that good?” tobin asked, slowing down slightly.

“yes, god, yeah. i’m close-“

“it's okay, let go, ‘m right here,” tobin assured, massaging christen’s hip with her free hand. with the other, she sped back up, thrusting her fingers into christen again and again. she rubbed her clit harder, enjoying the breathy moans escaping christen’s lips.

christen reached down for tobin's hand, grabbing onto it. she just needed tobin to hold her, to hold her hand when she came. “oh, fuck, fuck, toby,” christen moaned, and tobin felt christen tighten around her fingers. she came with a cry, her back arching and her legs shaking.

“that’s good chris, there you go. god, you’re so beautiful baby. so, so beautiful,” tobin encouraged, as she fucked her gently through it, until it was too much and christen batted her hand away. she wiped her fingers on her sheets, of course she did, and swept her hair out of her eyes. 

tobin climbed up christen’s body, kissing her breasts, shoulders, neck, cheeks, and finally lips. christen was panting heavily, unable to form a coherent thought just yet.

“are you okay?” tobin asked, feeling the need to check in with the younger girl, make sure she still felt safe. christen rolled onto her side to face tobin.

“yeah, amazing. i just need a second. you’re... god, you’re amazing, tobs. i love you.”

“i love you, too,” tobin said as laughed and ran her hand up and down christen’s side, gently grazing her ass every once and a while. after a few minutes, christen sat up.

“what?” tobin asked.

“it’s your turn, tobs,” christen stated, gesturing for tobin to lay down fully.

“chris, you don’t have to, this can just be about you right now,” tobin said, feeling the need to give christen the option, but secretly hoping she wouldn’t take it. tobin could already feel how wet she was.

“no, silly, i want to. i want this to be our first time, not just mine.”

tobin shifted up to half sit, leaning against her pillows.

“you’ll just have to... help me, i’m sorry,” christen said, growing embarrassed again.

“babe, why are you apologizing?” tobin asked, cradling christen’s face with one hand. christen shrugged.

"i mean, you know. i just want this to be good for you, i'm still kinda worried about that." 

“first of all, chris, no matter what you do this is going to be good for me, because it’s you, okay?” christen nodded. “and second, i’ll help you. but i think you’re gonna be okay.”

christen leaned down and kissed her girlfriend, hard and full of passion. she let her lips travel, stoping to kiss tobin’s breasts, as she had seemed to like that before. she gently sucked on each nipple for a minute or so, loving the breathy moans leaving tobin's lips.

“okay, see, you're doing amazing,” tobin whispered. “that’s so good, chris. so good.”

christen spent another minute on tobins nipples, only stoping because she was sure they were growing sensitive. she started kissing down tobins stomach, gently biting every once and a while. when she got to the hem of tobins underwear, she looked up at tobin, silently asking for consent. tobin nodded, and christen removed her underwear.

again, christen didn’t know quite what to do. tobin was naked underneath her, breathing heavily and obviously turned on, and christen was kind of lost.

“baby, don’t overthink it. as long as you’re comfortable, i’m gonna feel amazing,” tobin assured. christen nodded, and with a surge of bravery, slipped one finger into tobin. she was so, so wet, christen’s finger was met with no resistance at all. she thrust in and out gently, hoping she was doing something right.

“that’s good, baby. add another, yeah? and you can be harder, okay? i’ll tell you if it hurts. don’t worry about that,” tobin instructed, sweeping christen’s hair out of her beautiful face.

“okay,” christen whispered, adding another finger. tobin moaned and arched her back, grabbing the sheets in one fist, the other going up to cover her face. christen thrust her fingers harder into tobin.

“god, fuck, yeah,” tobin moaned, she didn’t have to tell christen to do anything. christen abruptly removed her fingers, and tobin opened her eyes to see why.

“tobin... can i.. can i taste you?” christen asked shyly. she didn’t know why, but suddenly all she wanted to do was eat her girlfriend out. she was certainly feeling more confident now that tobin was so turned on.

“fuck, fuck, yeah. please.” tobin stayed propped up, so she could watch as christen leaned back down. she licked over tobin’s center, coming to a stop when she found her clit. then she focused her efforts there, flicking her tongue against it, sucking gently, making tobin practically cry out in pleasure.

“fuck, christen, yes,” tobin groaned, spurring her on. she sucked harder, continuing to flick her tongue against the bundle of nerves. then she slipped in one finger, and tobin was absolutely done for. she leaned her head back, moaning loudly. her back arched off the pillows as she came, her legs shaking as she tightened around christen’s finger. christen came up for air, wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand. her finger continued to thrust into tobin, fucking her through her orgasm.

tobin swore christen couldn’t get any hotter, cheeks flushed, hair messy, and chin shiny wet, but then christen remover her finger and sucked it clean.

“oh my god, chris, holy shit,” tobin breathed out. christen giggled and curled into tobin's side, wrapping an arm around her waist.

“was that good?” christen asked, pressing a kiss to tobin's cheek.

“fuck, that was amazing, baby. so, so, so good,” tobin said breathlessly. 

christen smiled, proud of herself, and tucked in closer to tobin's body. tobin wrapped her arms around christen, holding her close.

“how are you?” tobin asked, wanting to know if christen was still feeling good about what they’d done.

“i’m amazing,” christen whispered, tapping tobins nose. “you make me feel so good. in so many ways.”

“i love you, christen.”

“i love you too,” christen replied.

both girls were vaguely aware that they should get up and use the bathroom, but neither could bring themselves to move. they just laid there in the silence of tobin's room, christen with her head tucked in to tobin's chest, tobin brushing her fingers up and down christen’s arm. a chill had settled over the room, and tobin pulled one of her many blankets up to cover them a bit.

“tobin...” christen whispered into the silence.

“christen?” tobin answered, turning to face christen a little better, so they were both laying on their sides.

“are you gay?” christen asked. tobin’s eyes crinkled in a smile.

“christen, we just had very gay woman on woman sex. what do you think?” christen rolled her eyes and pinched tobins side.

“no, babe, are you gay? or are you bi?”

“ohh...” tobin said in understanding. christen suddenly felt bad for asking. before she could apologize, tobin answered. “when i was little i knew i was gay. like when i was seven years old i knew. then for a while, as i got older, i thought i was bi, but that was just because i felt like it made me more “normal,” like if i could date a guy i’d be okay in gods eyes. but, i soon realized that i couldn’t keep lying to myself.... it was a whole thing, i doubt you wanna hear.”

“no, i do. if you’ll tell me,” christen insisted, hoping tobin would share with her.

“well, i decided that god would rather me be happy and gay, pun intended, than sad, dating boys, and lying to him and myself. so eventually i just accepted that i’m gay, and god just wants me to be happy. but, yeah, i’m gay. why do you ask?”

christen loved when tobin told her vulnerable stories like that. honestly, she loved hearing tobintalk about her connection with god. she could listen to her talk about that for hours.

“i... i think i’m gay,” christen whispered. tobin didn’t reply, there wasn’t much she could say to that. "i think i’ve only said it like once, i barely even thought about it but... i think i’m gay.”

it was something that had bothered christen for a while. she was someone who always wanted a clear answer, she liked labels. for the past year, she'd hated that she couldn't label herself. 

“you don’t have to know for sure, chris,” tobin said, earning an eye roll from christen.

“i know. that’s what i always used to tell people. like when a friend or a peer would tell me they thought they were gay, i’d be like ‘you don’t have to know, you don’t have to label yourself,’ but with me... it’s different.”

“i understand,” tobin said, running her finger over christen’s cheek. “i really do, it’s different when it’s about you.”

“exactly. i want to know. and i don’t know why i don’t know.”

tobin shrugged. “it’s hard to know sometimes. especially if you went your whole life only entertaining the idea of being straight or bi. when you’re bi, you know, it’s like ‘i can still be in a straight relationship, i’ll still be normal’ but being gay completely changes that. and you can be completely okay with homosexuality, but when it’s yourself, internalized homophobia is very, very real,” tobin said softly. christen was always amazed by tobin, her mind never failed to impress.

“exactly. i guess i’m just having a hard time practicing what i preach.”

“you’ll get there. and i’m here for you, every step of the way,” tobin promised.

christen shuffled closer and kissed tobin, as deeply as she could. she rolled over to straddle tobin's thigh, grinding down on her lightly.

“i love you,” christen said with a smile, kissing tobin all over her face.

“i love you, too,” tobin replied letting her hands travel down to christen’s ass, pulling her closer.

tobin flipped christen over again, christen giggling as she flopped back against the bed.

“baby, i’m so glad you’re in my life,” tobin whispered, grazing her hand over christen’s stomach.

christen shivered under the touch. apparently post orgasm tobin was rather emotional, and christen loved it. “you’ve helped me so much tobin, you don’t even know.”

“i love you,” tobin said again, neither girl able to get enough of those words. then, tobin was kissing down her body, nipping at her breasts, sucking marks on her stomach. christen couldn’t even think about covering up, she wanted tobin to explore her.

“tobin,” she sighed out, just wanting to say her name. tobin continued kissing down her stomach, stopping at her hipbones. she placed a kiss on the mark she’d left earlier, which was a light shade of pink, slowly bruising.

“chris, what do you want?” tobin asked, looking up at christen. and, god, christen loved that. loved how tobin constantly asked her what she wanted. how she asked for permission before taking off clothing. how she asked if she was okay.

christen blushed, avoiding direct eye contact. “i want... your mouth,” she said shyly. tobin didn’t reply, just kissed her hip bones, one after another. she slowly moved down to settle her body in between christen’s legs, spreading them apart gently. christen let out a soft sigh, sinking back into the pillows again. for a moment she closed her eyes, letting her other senses take over. she felt soft kisses on her inner thighs, along with the occasional scrape of teeth. she was sure she was soaking wet. she opened her eyes when she felt tobin’s tongue on her, spreading her open.

_oh, fuck._

she involuntarily bucked her hips, prompting tobin to place a hand on her hip, keeping her still. and, oh, tobin was flicking at her clit with her tongue, applying just the right amount of pressure.

“oh, fuck, toby,” christen moaned, looking down at tobin. the image of her girlfriend's face buried between her thighs was almost too much to handle. christen leaned back again, unable to keep her body upright. she was only able to focus on just how good she felt, just how good tobin was making her feel. and then, tobin slipped one finger in, and it was all she needed to come, tightening around tobin's finger as she moaned loudly. she came down from her high, shuddering and almost whimpering, and tobin kissed her way back up christen’s body, coming to a stop and whispering in her ear.

“that’s it, that’s it chris, so good baby. so good. you’re so amazing, i love you so much.” her voice was husky, lower than usual, and christen loved it. tobin kissed christen’s chest and neck, which were covered in a thin sheen of sweat. christen swore she felt tobin lick her, and she wouldn’t admit it out loud, but she loved it. tobin finally made her way to christen’s lips, kissing her, soft, and slow, and full of emotion.

“i love you too,” christen whispered against tobins lips, wrapping her arms around tobins waist and pulling her down.

she wasn’t sure how long they laid there, tobin staring up into christen’s eyes and christen staring back. christen traced the outline of tobin's face as she often did, running her fingertip down tobin's forehead, in between her eyebrows, over her nose, lips, and chin. and tobin, tobin just stared up into christen’s green eyes, taking in their beauty for as long as she could.

“tobin...” christen whispered, not wanting to break their bubble. “i need to pee... we both should.”

tobin laughed, leaning forward and kissing christen gently. “yeah, we should. let’s go.”

it was late, so they don’t bother getting fully dressed, just threw on oversized sweatshirts and giggled as they made their way down the hallway to the bathrooms. christen couldn’t stop smiling the whole time, she was just so damn happy.

back in tobins dorm, cuddled up on her bed, christen was struggling to keep her eyes open. she let out a yawn, snuggling closer into tobin's side.

“baby, are you tired?”

_baby._

“you’ve never called me that before,” christen pointed out, running her finger down tobin's sternum.

“yeah, you’re right. and you called me toby.”

“i did.”

they didn’t say anything else about the matter, just stated the facts.

“how do you feel, chris?” tobin asked, and christen knew exactly what she meant.

“really, really good. i’m okay,” christen answered, knowing tobin was probably worried about her. she almost always was. “i thought... i thought i wouldn’t be able to, i thought i’d freak out or have a panic attack, but i didn’t, and i’m okay. and, a lot of that is because of me, but it’s also you. thank you for waiting. and being so gentle. you’re amazing.” she didn’t want it to happen, but christen felt a tear fall from her eye. christen had known she wouldn't make it through without crying, but at least it was after the actual sex. before tobin could worry, she clarified, “it’s a good tear, i promise. i’m good. right now, i’m good.”

tobin nodded, wiping christen’s tear away gently. “i’m proud of you, chris.”

“yeah, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that happened. i hope i didn't mess it up. yoinks. 
> 
> anyhow, feedback, comments, predictions (i would absolutely LOVE to hear some predictions....), all greatly appreciated. and as always you can come find me on the tumblr @sonny-flowerr


	16. chapter fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and i've been chasing after dreamers in the clouds   
after all, wasn't i the one who said, to keep your feed on the ground   
man, you really brought me back down 
> 
> hold onto hope if you got it  
don't let it go for nobody  
and they say that dreaming is free  
but i wouldn't care what it cost me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks yall for being patient with me! but im back with an update! this chapter was supposed to be a filler but then it just kinda kept going.... enjoy yall! 
> 
> (minor smut warning, but pretty brief)

chapter fifteen

much to the annoyance of anyone she’d ever shared a room with, tobin liked to be cold. she always liked to sleep in a cold room, and even in the dead of winter she’d been known to leave her window open just an inch. kelley, ever the georgia girl, couldn’t stand it, and honestly, it was the thing they argued about the most. christen was no different, she absolutely hated the cold. every morning when she’d woken up in tobin’s dorm, surrounded by mismatched blankets, she’d been uncomfortably cold.

but, this morning, when she awoke in tobin’s small bed, the first thing she noticed was how warm she was. tobin must’ve fallen asleep before opening the window, or maybe she’d finally decided to let christen be warm, but for whatever reason, christen woke up feeling warm and fuzzy. there really wasn’t any better way to describe it. when she opened her eyes, blinking at the light, she was met with tobin’s brown eyes staring back. they were just barely open, as if she’d woken up at the same time christen had. christen reached out a finger and traced tobin’s cheek, ever so lightly, as if touching too hard might break the bubble. their bubble, which christen had come to love so much. she felt like the events of the last week had brought them so much closer together, making their bubble so much stronger. especially after last night, she felt like everything had fallen into place. tobin broke out into a grin, and pulled christen in close. christen snuggled in closer to her girlfriend, tucking her head into the space between tobin’s neck and chin. tobin pressed a kiss to christen’s cheek, right next to her ear, whispering quietly, “i love you, so, so much.”

there they were, the words christen couldn’t get enough of. and, oh, there came the tears. a small tear rolled out of the corner of her eye, down her cheek, and landed on tobin’s collar bones.

_didn’t cry during sex, at least i don’t think i did…. god, but of course i’m crying now. _

“don’t cry, baby, what’s wrong?” tobin whispered, leaning back to take in christen’s appearance. she wiped away the tears that had just fallen, not allowing them to go past christen’s cheeks. “do you regret what we did?” tobin asked in a timid voice, one full of fear. she knew that if christen regretted anything, or felt uncomfortable or scared, she’d never be able to forgive herself.

“no, no, not at all,” christen whispered back, tugging tobin up to straddle her waist. “tobin, i love you. i love you a lot. i’m just an emotional person, you know that. and, like, i’m still really scared. like, really scared, of a lot of things.”

“i hope i’m not one of them,” tobin whispered, keeping her voice as silent as possible, because, apparently both of them were too scared to bring their voices any louder.

“no, you’re not,” christen half lied, not wanting to tell tobin that, no, she wasn’t scared of her, not like that. she was terrified of losing her. christen wasn’t going to tell her, though. she didn’t want to come off as clingy or over-attached, it had only been a few months. an amazing few months, and she knew they had a special connection, but she wasn’t ready to put that connection in jeopardy. so, instead, she just reached her hand out again and placed it on tobin’s cheek. “i’m just feeling a lot of things right now, that’s all,” christen explained, pulling tobin down to lay on her still bare chest. they’d fallen asleep before putting on clothes the night before, instead enjoying the feel of their skin, all warm and soft. tobin, gentle and soft as ever, pressed gentle kisses to both of christen’s breasts before laying down, close enough to hear christen’s heart beating. it was fast, pounding a mile a minute.

“i know, i know,” tobin whispered, propping herself up on one elbow so she could look christen in the eyes. her beautiful, often worried green eyes, which tobin could get lost in so, so easily.

“what time is it?” christen asked, wondering if she needed to get back home.

“mm, i don’t know, early,” tobin muttered, mouthing gently at christen’s shoulder. “i have team brunch later, like 10:30,” tobin said, prompting christen to lean over and check the time on tobin’s digital clock.

_still early._

“okay, okay,” christen whispered, turning back into tobin, and shivering as she kissed across her chest, dipping her head down to suck gently on christen’s nipples, one after another.

christen leaned her head back on tobins pile of pillows, waiting eagerly for whatever was coming next. her skin felt like it was on fire, and every spot where tobin kissed her burned hotter and hotter.

she’d tried so hard not to fall, she really had. but she knew she was already on the ground, and there was no way she was getting back up.

not when tobin kissed down her chest, stomach, and across her hips. not when tobin kissed back up her stomach to meet her lips, and christen couldn’t even worry about whether she had morning breath or not, she was just so wrapped up in tobin, she was so in love.

“chris, baby, what do you want?” tobin whispered into christens neck, where she was lightly scraping her teeth over christens pulse point. christen could only hope she wouldn’t leave a mark, she would never live it down. but, then again, she couldn’t quite tear her eyes away from the pale purple and blue hickeys littering her thighs, as well as a few scattered across tobin’s neck and collar bones. there was no way tobin could hide those, and there was no way kelley wouldn’t notice.

“mm, just, anything,” christen groaned, rubbing her thighs together and realizing, slightly embarrassed, how wet she’d grown. tobin slid her fingers down christens body, running them over the bruises on her thighs.

“sorry chris...” tobin muttered as she kissed each bruise lightly. “got you all… marked up, my bad,” she apologized, but christen knew there was no real meaning behind it. tobin had known what she was doing.

“you have them on your neck, i’m sorry,” christen giggled. the giggle died in her throat when tobin kissed her clit, then flicked her tongue over it gently. christen tensed up at the contact, running her hand through tobin’s hair. she wasn’t sure if she’d ever get used to the feeling.

“yeah, yeah,” christen whispered in encouragement. her body was so overwhelmed, she couldn’t even tell what exactly tobin was doing with her tongue, but whatever it was felt amazing. she wasn’t being as gentle as she had the night before, probably less afraid of christen getting scared or needing to stop. this time, she licked hungrily, sliding her tongue through christens slit, circling over her clit until she was moaning loudly, unable to keep quiet.

_thank god for cinderblock walls, college really came through on that one._

“tobin, toby, yeah, more,” christen moaned, embarrassed by how needy she sounded. but, tobin seemed to love it. she slipped two fingers into christen gently, curling them inside of her. christen swore she saw stars. “fuck,” she whispered, feeling herself get closer and closer. she hoped that with time she would get some kind of stamina, because at this point, it barely took tobin five minutes to get her on the edge.

christen looked down at where tobin’s mouth met her body, shuddering at the view. she’d never seen anything better, tobin’s hair falling out of its loose bun and ticking her hips, her brow furrowed in concentration. tobin thrusted her fingers in and out, not exactly gently, but not rough either. there was no real rhythm to what she was doing, but it was perfect for christen, especially with the way tobin flicked at her clit again and again.

“toby... ‘m so close, little more,” christen moaned, her voice dangerously close to begging. tobin didn’t respond with words, instead just curled her fingers abruptly and sucked harder on her clit. and then, christen lost it. her body tensed, and her back arched off the bed. “toby, fuck, fuck....” she moaned, her legs shaking as she came. she could barely hear tobin whispering sweetly, “that’s it, that’s it baby. that’s it.”

after christen came down from her orgasm, tobin kissed her way back up christens body, tucking her head into christens neck.

“you taste so good, baby,” tobin said into christens neck, mouthing aimlessly at the dip of her collarbone.

“mm, you’re amazing,” christen replied, slipping her hand into tobins’.

for as long as they could, they laid there together, christen drifting in and out of sleep, tobin listening to her heart beating.

“okay, we really need to get up. i need to shower before we go anywhere,” tobin muttered, brushing some of christen’s sweaty curls out of her eyes. christen leaned up, trying to stop tobin from going anywhere.

“wait, tobs, you didn’t get to-“

“baby, don’t worry about that. we don’t have time, soccer brunch is in like, 20 minutes. i promised i’d go, i mean, it’s kinda, about me,” tobin explained, leaning back up to her bed and kissing christen’s hip bone.

“okay. i’ll leave when you leave,” christen said reluctantly.

“wait, you aren’t coming with me?” christen couldn’t see tobin, but her voice sounded sad. she was looking around the room for her bathroom caddy, which she was always misplacing.

“uh, i mean, i can. i want to, but i feel like the soccer team is probably getting tired of me. i’m kinda invading their space,” christen said quietly. tobin’s popped back up next to the bed. 

“i mean, you don’t have to… but, i’d love it if you did. i don’t wanna celebrate anything without you.” christen smiled shyly, pulling one of tobin’s UNC blankets over her body, which was now covered in goosebumps. maybe from the chill in the room, maybe from tobin herself, who could say for sure.

“of course i’ll go.” christen rolled onto her side to watch tobin wrap up in her robe, frowning as her girlfriend’s bare skin disappeared. “i wanna stay with you for a long as i can, honestly,” christen whispered, not sure if tobin heard as she stepped out of the room. christen was vaguely aware that she should shower as well, the light layer of sweat still shining on her stomach. not to mention the smell of sex lingering all over her body. she sat up slowly, wrapping herself in tobin’s blanket. she leaned over to grab her phone from tobin’s bedside, which she hadn’t looked at since the night before.

kelley o’hara (3 new messages)

CP wake tobin up so she isn’t late

(received 8:30)

CP WAKE TOBIN UP SO SHE ISNT LATE!!

(received 9:15)

CP IS TOBIN AWAKE OR SHE WILL BE LATE TO HER OWN BRUNCH! AND IF YOU ARENT THERE WITH HER IM RIOTING! MY SWEET SUMMER CHILDREN PLEASE HURRY!

(received 9:46)

christen laughed and typed out a response, sure kelley was going insane on the other end.

christen press: dw kelley, she’s up. we’ll be there in 30.

(sent 9:57)

kelley o’hara: better be.

(received 9:58)

after both girls were showered and dressed, tobin looking out of character in tight jeans and an equally tight v neck long sleeve, and christen in the one dress tobin owned, they headed off to meet the rest of the girls at some brunch restaurant further off campus than they usually went. once inside, the hostess escorted them to the back room, where tables had been pushed together to accommodate for the large team. christen sat down next to ali, knowing she would need someone besides tobin to talk to. ali looked her up and down, before raising her eyebrows.

“you look different, chris,” ali remarked, and christen’s eyes widened. she knew she felt different, lighter and happier, but she didn’t think there was anything new about her appearance.

“oh? must be the shampoo…” christen remarked, brushing her hair, which smelled like tobin’s lavender shampoo instead of her own coconut, behind her ear before picking up the menu.

“uh huh, sure,” ali said, not believing christen at all, but choosing to drop the subject for the time being. before christen could take another look at the menu, someone was hugging her from behind. she craned her head around to see kelley, of course.

“hi kell, told you we’d get here on time.” kelley sat down next to her on the edge of the chair, and leaned forward.

“thanks for making tobin come, she hates this shit,” kelley said with a grin, gesturing to where tobin was looking rather trapped in a discussion with becky and carli. the team captains could be a little overbearing at times, especially for tobin, who hated small talk more than almost anything.

“why?” christen asked, confused. she knew tobin loved her team, and most team functions.

“oh, you know. anything that’s even mildly about her. she’s only willing to come to this because we’re also celebrating ACC semis tomorrow, so it isn’t just about her, she’s all.. humble and shit,” kelley explained with a wave of her hand. christen nodded absentmindedly, she was a little preoccupied watching the curves of tobin’s body as she talked animatedly with alex. christen rarely saw her in the kind of tight fitting clothes she was wearing, and now that she’d seen what was underneath… she was a little overwhelmed.

“uh, yeah, sounds about right…” christen muttered, taking a sip of her water. she needed to cool down. of course, kelley never let her down easy.

“get a room, christen!” kelley teased, standing up to find her seat as tobin was coming back over.

“we did…” christen muttered, and she heard kelley snort as she left. she stopped to hug tobin as their paths crossed, and christen didn’t miss when kelley said “you might wanna keep her off your neck next time, tobito,” in a joking voice. she didn’t have to look to know that tobin was blushing. when tobin and replaced kelley in the chair, she leaned over to kiss christen on the cheek. she hoped tobin hadn’t noticed how flushed she was.

“kelley bothering you?” tobin asked, her hand finding christen’s thigh. christen shook her head, looking back down at her menu. she was starving, and everything looked amazing.

“no, just thanking me for making you come….” christen cringed, the middle school boy in her laughing at what she’d just said. “to this,” she added quickly. tobin nodded, opening her own menu. her hand still rested on christen’s thigh, her thumb tracing circles on the inside.

“alright guys, remember to eat healthy, semis tomorrow and i want you all ready,” becky said from her seat at the head of the table. there were various groans from the team, and plenty of eye rolls.

“who are you playing tomorrow?” christen asked, setting down her menu.

“uh, semis, so first round is UVAand clemson, then we’re playing miami,” tobin explained.

“guess i’ll force lindsey to go with me!” christen said with a grin, leaning her head on tobin’s shoulder. she was vaguely aware of kelley taking a picture of them from across the table, but she didn’t care, just hoped kelley would send it to her.

***

instead of going back to tobin’s dorm, christen got a ride back to her own with ali and ash. once back in their dorm, ali wasn’t letting christen off easy any longer.

“okay, chris, what’d you do last night?” ali questioned, flopping back onto her bed, exhausted.

“oh, uh, went back to tobin’s after the movie,” christen explained, lifting tobin’s dress over her head to change into something more comfortable.

“nice, so that’s going well?” ali tried, wanting more details from her roommate. in all honestly, she wasn’t looking for gossip, just worried about christen. she hadn’t seen much of her, and felt like it was her duty as a roommate and friend to check in.

“yeah, really well,” christen said with a smile, slipping a sweatshirt over her head before joining ali on her bed. “we had sex last night,” christen admitted.

“well, yeah, i assumed, but thanks for sharing.” ali didn’t get it, that was obvious enough.

“no,” christen said with a shy giggle, “like, for the first time,” she clarified, watching ali’s eyebrows raise.

“oh. oh! that’s big, wasn’t it?”

christen nodded. she knew ali didn’t know how big, but she understood to some degree. christen tucked a curl behind her ear, again smelling tobin’s lavender soap. “yeah, it was. it’s kinda dumb, i guess, but it was really big,” christen said shyly, looking down at her hands. ali covered one with her own, squeezing tightly.

“it’s not dumb, christen. i know you were nervous about that. and, i know you’ve been having a hard time. but, you seem really happy. i haven’t known you for that long, but, like, i’ve already seen you grow so much. and i’m really proud of you.”

christen smiled widely. she didn’t know what to say. she knew she’d barely talked about her anxiety with ali, but ali was observant to say the least. she picked up on everything, all the little things about everyone around her. she was one of the best people christen knew, if she was being honest.

“thanks, al. i’m trying my best,” christen said quietly.

“i know.” both girls were silent for a moment, before ali’s face lit up with an idea. “hey, what do you say we have, like, a roomie slumber party tonight? we can get ice cream and popcorn and watch a scary movie or something!” ali suggested. christen liked the sound of that, a lot. she felt like she hadn’t spent nearly enough with ali, both of the girls always off with their respective girlfriends.

“yeah! but, you have a game tomorrow, you probably shouldn’t be-“

“oh shush,” ali cut christen off with a wave. “it’ll be fine. a little ice cream won’t ruin my body, i don’t believe in all that. as long as i get sleep and a good breakfast, i’ll be fine,” ali insisted. christen smiled, loving how laid back ali was. she knew she would be so paranoid as a collegiate athlete, to the point of obsession. another reason she was honestly so grateful her soccer days were over…

“sounds like fun, al!”

***

so, at seven pm, after a day of half studying, half cleaning and rearranging their dorm, ali and christen made the walk down to target.

“alright chrissy, let’s get some goods!” ali shouted excitedly, grabbing a shopping cart and rushing down the cramped aisle. christen laughed and followed her, grabbing a bag of chips and milanos as she ran after her.

“al, wait up!”

when christen caught up to ali she was surprised at how many snacks ali had already put in the cart. after adding her own, she followed ali to the ice cream aisle.

“what kind do you like,” ali asked, turning around with two pints in her hands, one chocolate and one cookie dough. “i like both of these, but i can’t eat that much tonight, so you hafta pick, k?” ali said, putting her pints back. christen stepped closer to the freezer, looking closer at the flavor selection. she decided on her childhood favorite, mint chocolate chip, tossing the pint into their cart.

“how’s ash?” christen asked, leaning on the cart as she pushed it down the aisle. ali smiled, hitching a ride on the end of the cart.

she tucked her hair behind her ear, smiling wide. “she’s really good! her classes are kicking her right in the ass, but she’s doing really good…” ali said happily. “she’s doing really well in soccer, dorance says she’s improved a lot since last year. i mean, i’m not gonna take full credit for that… but, partial.” she winked, and christen giggled, pushing her towards the register.

“take some credit, you make her really happy, and happy players just play better,” christen insisted, scanning their snacks. ali insisted on paying, swiping her card before christen even had the chance.

back at the dorm, ali and christen set up ali’s computer with a cheesy hallmark christmas movie christen insisted on watching, putting her foot down about scary movies. ali had argued, insisting that “november is too early for christmas! what about thanksgiving?” to which christen had said “alexandra, it’s never too early for christmas movies. december is not long enough to watch all of them, you’ve got to start early!”

ali had begrudgingly agreed, and so, they were snuggled up in a pillow-and-blanket tent on the floor, popcorn popped and ice cream being eaten straight out of the carton. christen had even brought her twinkle lights down from where they hung above their bed, and strewn them about the entrance of their pillow fort.

about halfway through their movie, the girls were startled by the door opening.

“hey babe, tobin and i are- what is going on?” ashlyn poked her head into the pillow fort, her brow furrowed, clearly holding back a laugh. tobin’s head popped up next to her, a picture straight out of a sitcom.

“hi girls, having a good time?” tobin asked, a huge grin on her face.

“we’re having a movie night,” ali explained, tossing a popcorn kernel at her girlfriend, who surprisingly caught it in her mouth.

“well, we were going to see if you wanted to hang out…” tobin said, placing her hand on christen’s shin.

“nope, we’re good,” christen said with a smug smile. both girls rolled their eyes, obviously not liking her answer.

“okay, bye!” ali said with a wave, all but kicking them out. ashlyn groaned, but disappeared from view.

“alright tobs, we’re on our own for the night…” ashlyn muttered, to which ali laughed, and pressed play on their movie again.

“bye kids,” they heard tobin shout.

christen poked her head out of their tent to watch them go. “go find kelley and hang out with her,” she suggested. tobin leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

“kelley, unlike _some of us_, is hanging out with _her girlfriend, _so we’re out of luck!” tobin replied, ruffling christen’s hair before heading to the door.

christen crawled back into the fort, laughing as the door slammed behind them. “al, whatever will they do,” christen muttered through laughter, as she cuddled back into the pillows.

“perish, i suppose. ash’s a little clingy, gotta admit,” ali said with a wink. she angled her body to face christen, as if she wanted to talk. “okay, you don’t have to answer, obviously, but, like, how was it?”

christen rolled her eyes. she was fairly certain she knew what ali was talking about, and she didn’t want to ask to make sure. “if you’re talking about the sex, it was great. she’s like… i don’t know, i don’t have much to compare to, but, she’s…” christen thought for a moment, not sure what the right word to use was. talented, easily, but it was more than that. hot, of course, but that word was so diminishing. “gentle. and respectful,” christen settled on. she truly was the gentlest, most respectful person christen thought she’d ever met. and, to christen, that was the hottest thing ever, to be completely honest.

“that’s good, chris. i’m glad she’s treating you well.”

_yeah, she is. _

christen realized she hand’t really had the time to process the events of the night before. as ali turned her attention back to the movie, christen got lost in her thoughts. she’d never understood love very well. she’d never understood what it meant to love someone, romantically. she’d always found herself quick to say ‘i love you’ about her friends, even though it rarely meant anything. understanding what love felt like, and looked like, had always confused her. and, maybe, maybe it was her past. surely her idea of a healthy relationship had been fucked up, hadn’t it?

and, that was how she’d always looked at her relationships. she was always prepared for them to end, to crash and burn. so, she always left before anyone could leave her. she always sabotaged things, always pulled back. she’d never given herself fully to a relationship, never allowed herself to trust someone so fully. the trust was what scared her the most. tobin knew so, so much about her. not everything, but enough. she knew enough that if she left christen, she would most likely leave her broken, and that scared christen more than almost anything had scared her before.

she wasn’t stupid. she knew they’d been dating for less than three months, and they’d probably moved too fast. she knew that college relationships rarely lasted, they had a lifespan. christen had always wanted to be different. she’d always felt like she was the exception to the rule, and now was no different. she hoped she and tobin would be okay. she had no reason to believe they wouldn’t, but still, she was already preparing for the worst.

_this isn’t healthy. _

for a moment, she considered talking to tobin about her doubts. but, what could tobin really say? she could promise her the world in that exact moment, but christen knew she wouldn’t believe whatever tobin said. only time would tell, and time… is always so slow, and so unforgiving.

she tried to push down her negative thoughts and turn her attention back to the movie, but she was couldn’t push away the thoughts. when she was little, her mom used to call it her ‘worry monster,’ and told christen that she had to boss it right back, and be stronger than her worry monster.

right now, christen had never felt stronger, but her monster had gotten stronger, too.

***

christen press: are you partying after the semis?

(sent 2:43)

tobin heath: only if we lose, if we win we have to be ready for finals next day.

(received 2:44)

christen press: makes sense. assuming you win and there’s no partying, come find me after the game!

(sent 2:47)

tobin heath: ofc babe! ok, i gotta go. love you, see you tonight

(received 2:48)

christen press: love you too :)

(sent 2:49)

christen slipped her phone in her pocket and headed up to lindsey’s dorm. she knocked three times, then rested back on her heels and waited. the door opened, and lindsey stepped out, clad in carolina blue sweat pants, a unc soccer shirt, and a winter coat to fight off the cold. christen was dressed similarly, but wearing her girlfriends jersey, and carrying her favorite UNC blanket from tobin’s bed. it was supposed to be below forty after the sun set, so the girls were trying to come prepared.

christen was full of excitement, UNCs chances at an ACC win were looking good. UVA had beat clemson, and from the looks of things, UNC would most likely beat miami. she and lindsey huddled together under christen’s blanket, staying as close as they could to get some kind of warmth. they were seated in the family and friends section, along with a pretty large crowd of fellow students, as well as players parents. christen hadn’t bothered to ask tobin if her family would be there, but she assumed not.

when UNC took the field to warm up, christen immediately found tobin. she looked as good as ever, clad in sweatpants and her warm up jersey. she turned to look at christen in the stands, giving her a small wink and a wave. christen smiled right back, proud as ever.

once the game started, christen new something was wrong. tobin seemed to be a bit off, a bit out of it. her passes weren’t connecting, she had no shots on goal, and more often than not, her first touch was sloppy. it was all around out of character, and concerned christen. she assumed tobin must have something on her mind, or else she wouldn’t be playing so much less than her usual standard.

thankfully, even with tobin playing poorly, the win was easy, and ended 2-0, with goals from alex and carli. as the final whistle blew, the stands went wild. christen couldn’t even imagine what the next game would be like, she got nervous just thinking about the amount of people who would show up. pushing down her concerns, both about the game tomorrow and tobin, she rushed down to the edge of the field, leaning over the gate to greet tobin. the team had separated from their celebration and were now running to greet their friends and family. tobin greeted her with a sweaty kiss, her hand forming a fist around christen’s jersey.

christen pulled away and swept tobin’s flyaways back, so she could better see her face.

“good game, tobs,” christen yelled over the commotion, kissing tobin on the cheek. 

“don’t lie, that was awful. i mean, not everyone else, but me,” tobin muttered, leaning her head on christen’s shoulder. christen wasn’t quite sure what to say, at least not in this setting. it was too loud, too busy, for her to even form a coherent thought, much less soothe her girlfriend. so, instead, she just pressed a kiss to the top of her head and squeezed her shoulders.

“you had an off day, yeah?”

tobin nodded, than shook her head, leaving christen confused. “yeah, i’ll talk to you later. gotta go with the team now.” her team was starting to head back through the tunnel to the locker room. tobin separated herself from christen to follow, but christen grabbed her hand in protest.

“wait, come over to my dorm for a little bit?” she suggested, knowing tobin shouldn’t, and probably couldn’t, spend the night, but wanting to see her and talk about her performance nonetheless. tobin smiled, and nodded.

“of course, probably in an hour or two?”

christen pulled tobin’s blanket tighter around her shoulders, the cold air starting to numb her limbs.

“yeah, okay. just text me.”

“i love you.”

“i love you, too.”

***

so, two hours later, when it was nearing nine o’clock, tobin sulked into the common room of christen’s building. she found christen waiting for her on one of the couches, sprawled out with her laptop, and, maybe, chem homework, was it? she was so deep in her work that she didn’t look up when tobin entered. tobin smiled to herself and crept up behind christen, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her cheek. christen jumped, yanking her headphones out and whipping around to see tobin.

“jesus, tobs! don’t do that!” christen chastised, her heart pounding in her chest. she’d always been easily startled, and hated it more than anything. tobin giggled and jumped over the back of the couch, much like a child would, to sit next to her. christen slowly closed her laptop and put away all her papers, then motioned for tobin to lay down, knowing she must be tired. tobin obliged happily, flopping down on the couch with her head in christen’s lap. she shut her eyes with a sigh, and reached her hand up to find christen’s.

“tobs, what’s up?” christen asked, her voice laced with concern. she ran her free hand through tobin’s barely damp hair, brushing out tangles at the ends. she smelled like the generic shampoo left in the locker rooms. 

tobin moved her glasses aside and rubbed her eyes, stifling a yawn as she did so. “i don’t know, i really don’t,” she said through another yawn.

christen was now tracing tobin’s lips with her finger, something she’d started doing every so often, when they were just laying there, doing nothing in particular. “tired?” christen asked, moving her fingers to gently trace the rest of tobin’s features. she’d learned it calmed her down effectively, even if she wasn’t very worried to begin with. she rarely was, or at least didn’t let it on. she was always so cool and confident.

“yeah, i am. i didn’t sleep a lot last night,” she admitted, her brow furrowing as christen traced the arches of her eyebrows.

“why not?”

tobin squeezed her eyes shut. she’d never been good at the vulnerability, it’d been the downfall in all her past attempts at relationships. somehow she’d made it this far with christen, emotionally further than she’d ever gone before, but there was still a block. but, christen, she understood. she could tell without tobin saying anything, almost exactly what was happening inside her head.

“how about i try to guess?” christen asked, after a few moments of silence. tobin nodded. christen looked up at the dingy ceiling, which was covered in dust from god knows how many years of not being properly cleaned.

“alright, are you having a hard time in your classes?” christen guessed, returning her hand to tobin’s hair, scratching her scalp gently. tobin shook her head. christen smiled softly, and kept guessing. “is it something with your family?” no. “friends?” no. “me?” this time tobin actually spoke, assuring her she had nothing to do with the worries. christen smiled, sure she’d figured it out now. it’d been her suspicion all along, but she didn’t want to assume.

“are you scared about your call up?” christen asked softly, and tobin choked up just a little bit. she squeezed her eyes shut tight again, and when they opened, christen saw the glimmer of tears at the rims. “oh, tobin, you can cry if you need to,” christen reassured, leaning down to kiss tobin’s forehead.

“yeah,” tobin sniffed. “i’m just, i feel like i have so much pressure on me, like to be really really good here, and now i’ve gotten this fucking call up, but i don’t think i’m making it to the roster, and i’m okay with that, but, like, i feel like the team wants me to go all the way, and i can’t take that pressure, and, like, i don’t wanna let anyone down, and it’s too much,” tobin said brokenly, her voice cracking at the end.

“oh, babe. of course they want you to go all the way. all of us do! but that doesn’t mean you have to right now, or that people will be disappointed if you don’t do it right now. you have time. you’re only nineteen, you have so much time. and if you do get on the roster this time, then, babe, that’s amazing! you’d be going to olympic qualifiers, can you believe that? so, you know, whatever happens, everyone supports you. whether you make it or not, you’re still so loved, and no one will think any less of you. and, yeah, maybe there is a lot of pressure on you right now, but, honestly, that’s just how it’s gonna be. if you want to be a professional athlete, i think you’ve gotta get used to that pressure, and learn how to make it work in your favor, yeah?” christen hoped that at least some of what she’d said would help.

“but what if i’m not meant to do this? what if i never learn how to deal with the pressure?” her voice cracked again, this time, even more tears spilling from her eyes. christen wiped the corners of her eyes ever so gently, and then cupped tobin’s cheek in her palm.

“you will do what you’re meant to do, and i fully believe this is what you’re meant to do. i think, in life, people have a choice to make. when there’s discomfort, or fear, you can lean into it, and try to push through, or you can run from it. i think that fear is what stands between us and what we’re meant to do, and the most important decision in your life is what you do with that fear. you can run, or you can embrace it,” christen whispered, staring past tobin at the wall.

“are you?”

“am i what?”

“running, are you running?” tobin asked, her voice small. christen thought for a moment. she couldn’t say, for sure. but, she thought she knew.

“i’m not, not now. i’m fighting, not running,” christen explained, hoping tobin would understand. hoping it would help, even just a little.

“i’m not gonna run,” tobin said, her voice determined. “you really think this is what i’m meant to do? soccer?” tobin sat up to look at christen better, propping herself up on her girlfriends thighs. christen rolled her eyes, and scoffed a bit.

“of course i do, you’re tobin heath. from what i’ve heard, you were born with a ball at your feet. listen, there’s a plan for you, i know it.”

“god.” tobin whispered. christen cocked her head to the side, confused. tobin shook her head as if to wake herself up, before continuing. “i always used to say, well, my parents used to say that god had a plan for me. i mean, that was their whole thing. ever since i can remember, that’s what they said. that i didn’t need to worry, that god had a plan for me,” tobin explained.

“and, do you still believe that?” christen asked in a low whisper, steadying tobin’s hips with her hands. she felt her girlfriend shaking, and tensing up to hide it.

“i don’t know if i ever did,” tobin admitted. “i always felt like i was failing god, in some way. because i didn’t believe he had a plan, and if he had one, i didn’t trust that it was the right plan. i didn’t like the idea of someone else deciding my future, and honestly, i couldn’t trust it enough.”

“maybe it’s your plan,” christen offered. she’d never been very religious herself, her family had stopped going to church after she’d turned seven, but she’d always considered herself deeply spiritual. so, she didn’t know quite what to say in regards to god, but she could try.

“huh?” tobin asked, her forehead scrunching up in confusion.

“it’s not god’s plan for you, it’s your plan. you decide what happens in your life, you don’t have to trust one plan. plans change, babe.” tobin thought for a moment. she liked what christen was saying. it made sense, and honestly, it was what she needed to hear. “and, also, that doesn’t make you any less of a christian, if that’s what you were gonna worry about next,” christen added, knowing tobin a little too well. tobin laughed and kissed christen on the nose.

“you know, you make a lot of sense, chris, almost too much,” tobin whispered, shifting to sit fully on christen’s lap, christen wrapping her arms around tobin’s waist.

“i just want you to know how loved you are, whether you’re winning or losing. you’ve got big things coming, but no matter what happens, you’re so loved. by me, and your friends, and team, and family, and god. you’re so, so, so loved, toby,” christen whispered, wiping another stray tear of tobin’s cheek.

“you are too, chris. i love you, i don’t know how i got so lucky with you.” christen smiled at tobin’s words, equally not sure how she got so lucky.

“i love you too, tobin.”

the two girls sat in silence for a few minutes, tobin resting her head on christen’s shoulder, christen rubbing her back lightly. when they heard a door closing down the hall, they separated. tobin stood up and stretched, unable to stifle her yawn. christen reached out her arms, so tobin would pull her up to standing.

“i think i gotta go home now, chris,” tobin said sadly, pulling christen in for a hug. christen rested her chin on tobin’s shoulder, allowing tobin to pull her in closer.

“i love you, chris,” tobin whispered into her ear. christen pulled back from the hug to kiss her, soft and slow.

“i love you too, tobin,” christen mumbled against her lips.

as christen watched tobin walk away, hunched over and exhausted, she couldn’t help but think how much she really loved her. she’d never understood love, romantic love, until tobin.

until this magical, complicated, beautiful woman walked into her life, and taught her how to love.

well, was still teaching her. and christen knew, she just knew, she’d get the hang of it at some point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments greatly appreciated, they make my day!   
as always come find me on tumblr, @sonny-flowerr


	17. chapter sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but the paws of fear upon your chest  
only love can soothe that beast  
and my words are paper tigers  
no match for the predators of pain inside her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall im back, sorry for completely wrecking my update schedule. thanks for sticking with me. i think its worth mentioning that at the beginning of this story i forgot to write in christens siblings, and at this point its a little too late so i present to you.... only child CP. my apologies. also, i’m very bad at the whole different time zone things. if anything seems weird time wise, it probably is, and for the sake of your sanity and mine, just ignore it.

chapter sixteen:

when it came to tobin, christen was constantly at a loss for words. she never knew how to say what she felt in a beautiful, eloquent manner, the way tobin could. words had never been her strong suit, they always failed her when she needed them the most. still, tobin could always bring the words out of her. she could always hear what christen was trying to say, even when christen didn’t know herself. it was something only she could see, only tobin could interpret, much like the invisible pictures tobin drew on her back with her fingers. often times, she had to wring the words out of christen, coaxing her to admit what she was feeling.

“i’ll miss you so much, baby,” tobin whispered, her fingers tracing over christen’s shoulder. christen rolled her eyes and tried to hide her face, not showing tobin the hint of fear behind her eyes. tobin wrapped her arms around christen’s waist, pulling her to lay on her chest. christen propped up on her elbows to look tobin in the eye, searching for any signs that tobin was worried as well. she didn’t look like it, the only emotion in her eyes a joyful innocence. she brushed some of the curls out of christen’s eyes, attempting to tuck them up into her bun. christen was glowing, her skin dewey, possibly from the post-sex sweat, or just the bright demeanor she’d had lately.

tobin smiled, catching christen’s lips in her own. “mmm, i’ll miss kissing you, haven’t not kissed you for… three months,” tobin mumbled in between kisses.

christen swallowed down her worry, laughed, and dipped her head down, licking at some of the sweat from between her girlfriends breasts. “it’s only a week, toby.”

“i know, i know… but still, i’m gonna miss you anyway,” tobin muttered, her voice petulant like a child. “also, did you just lick me?”

christen ignored her and nestled back into tobin’s shoulder, enjoying the warmth of her girlfriend’s skin. she wasn’t ready to leave, but in three hours, she was getting on a plane to go home. while christen was more than ready for some time with her family, she hadn’t realized how much she would miss college. adjusting to change had always been difficult for her, but college was possibly the easiest transition she’d navigated. the past few months had been great, but the past few weeks had been nothing short of amazing. classes were going well, she had steady friendships, her roommate was more amazing than she could have ever expected, and she was so in love. speaking of which, things were going great for tobin as well, her soccer team easily winning the ACCs, and looking good for the college cup. her classes were going well, and much like christen, she was excited to go home. still, both girls were a little over attached and not exactly excited about the prospect of a week apart.

“mm, babe,” christen whispered, checking the time on her phone. tobin groaned, knowing what was coming next. “i gotta get up, okay? i wanna shower before i get on the plane.” she kissed tobin three times on the cheek, and then slid out of bed.

“ugh, fine. fine. i love you,” tobin groaned dramatically, holding onto christen’s hand until the last moment possible. she may have stared a little too long when christen exited, but honestly, who could blame her.

***

the plane was smaller than christen would have liked, and she had a middle seat between two older men. it was basically her worst nightmare, five hours in-between strangers. male strangers, to be specific. she took a few deep breaths to settle herself before the plane took off, and sent a quick text to tobin.

christen press: taking off now!

(sent 6:47)

tobin heath: text when you land. i love you.

(received 6:48)

christen smiled and put in her headphones, turning up her music to drown out the airplane noise. the plane took off, and she watched raleigh grow smaller and smaller below her, north carolina turning into a green and grey blob. she leaned back into her seat, hoping to fall asleep for a while.

christen had always loved flying. when she was little, even into her early teens, she used to pretend she was a celebrity walking through the airport on her way to important hollywood events, pretending her parents were security or paparazzi. god, her imagination had been so active back then. she’d always used to retreat to her over-active imagination, her bedroom or backyard the home base for all her imaginary worlds. in those worlds, it was safe for her. nobody could hurt her, and she was always the hero. even into middle school, christen’s imagination was still active as ever. she started reading those YA dystopian fiction books, finding a whole new kind of world to get lost in. every opportunity she got, she pretended to be katniss, tris, june, even bella from twilight at one point (it was a strange phase). she’d lived in her imagination for years, as long as she possibly could, until high school when she finally had to face reality. she’d left her imaginary worlds behind, trading her imagination for medications and therapy. she missed the days she could get lost in a good book, when reading had been pleasurable instead of forced. she hadn’t read a book willingly in years.

_growing edge. _

***

when christen met her mom and dad at the gates, she’d never been happier to see them. she ran towards them, nearly dropping her duffel, which she was pretty sure was tobin’s, seeing as tobin had packed for her.

“hi sweetie!” stacy squealed, wrapping her daughter in a tight hug. christen smiled and pressed her cheek against her moms, smiling at cody, who was standing behind. her.

christen moved to give cody a hug, realizing just how much she’d missed her father.

“so,” stacy began, christen already sensing her mothers excitement. “everyones coming tomorrow, and they’re all so excited to hear about college! granfran said she’s making your favorite pie, and aunt anna is bringing the twins..”

christen tuned out her mothers rambling, following her parents out to the car. she threw her luggage into the back of her dads car, climbing in next to it.

“alright, so, how’re you? we’ve missed you so much!” stacy said, turning around in her seat to face her daughter. christen smiled. she wasn’t sure how much she wanted to tell them. honestly, she still didn’t know if she was telling them about tobin or not. as far as her mother knew, christen was still single.

“uh, everything is really good. ali is still amazing, she’s such a great roommate. and friend. and, i’ve been going to a lot of soccer games, since she’s on the team, i told you about that, right?” stacy nodded. “yeah, i’ve been going to a lot of games, they’re really good.”

“oh, i know!” cody piped up. christen had forgotten her dad was a bit of a college sports, or any sports, geek. “i’ve been watching their games. that… whats her name, heath, that girl, she’s amazing,” he remarked, and christen’s heart basically stopped. “you know her?”

“uh, yeah, actually, she’s one of my good friends. she got a national team camp call up, so she’ll be in LA around winter break,” christen provided, leaving out the details of their actual relationship.

“oh wow! you must be very proud.”

_oh, you have no idea. _

“yeah, everyone is. she deserves it,” christen said with a smile, remembering to text tobin that she’d landed. as she typed out her text, she was vaguely aware of her mom saying that tobin should come visit.

as if christen hadn’t already planned that.

christen press: just landed. miss you already. oh, and apparently my dads been following your soccer career. you’ve got a fan in the press family.

(sent: 11:34)

she realized it was late in north carolina, and her body ready to be asleep. she didn’t expect tobin to respond, but a minute later she felt her phone buzz.

tobin heath: just one?

(received 11:36)

christen press: isn’t it like 2:30? go the fuck to sleep!

(sent 11:36)

tobin heath: needed to hear from you first! i love you goodnight!

(received 11:37)

christen press: i love you too. call me tomorrow.

(sent 11:37)

“what are you smiling at, honey?” stacy asked, and christen looked up to see her mom watching her. christen slipped her phone back into the pocket of her backpack, fairly certain she was blushing.

“oh, nothing. hey, is it okay if i hang with julie tomorrow?” christen was practiced at changing the subject. years and years of practice.

“of course! i’m sure you miss julie!”

christen smiled and turned to look out the window. the busy streets were so familiar, but so foreign. north carolina had come to be her home, and as much as she’d missed palos verdes, the roads she once knew so well felt like strangers. they passed the convenience store where she’d had her first kiss, the museum she’d had her first job, and her old high school, home to millions of firsts. the streetlights cast an erie glow on everything, making the trees into shadowy monsters. there was no chill in the air, no bite of north carolinian wind that she’d come to love. and, worst of all, she saw not one bojangles. she’d become quite the southerner in the past four months.

as unfamiliar as california felt, her house still felt like home. stepping through the front door, she thought she might cry. it still smelled the same, and her dogs still barked the same, and the same pile of mail sat on the side table as it always did. the familiarity was comforting, making christen a little less homesick for the dorm she’d come to love. she headed up to her room shortly, promising her parents quality time the next day. after all, it was close to three am in her body, and she’d barely slept in twenty-four hours due to staying up almost all night with tobin. ali had been kind enough to stay with ash, god bless that girl.

christen flopped back on her bed, inhaling the fresh, clean smell of her comforter. it was nice to be back in her room, surrounded by her old posters and photos. she’d taken her favorites to college, but her wall was still a mosaic of years of interests. too tired to wash her face, christen decided to go straight to bed. she opened her duffel bag, which she was now positive was tobin’s, in search of a sleep shirt. she was only a little ashamed to admit that tobin had packed for her. christen had intended to pack monday night, after class, but tobin came over after practice… and, well, she was very distracting. so on tuesday, while christen was at class, tobin had packed for her. her motives were almost completely selfish, knowing that if christen was all packed, she wouldn’t have to pack after class, leaving more time for themselves.

she dug around through her neatly folded clothes, finally finding a worn, carolina blue tee shirt, which was, of course, tobin’s. when she unfolded it, a piece of paper fluttered out.

figured you’d need this.

do you even wear your own clothes anymore?

love you.

miss you already. 

love you again.

-T

christen smiled and held the note to her chest, before placing it on her night stand and changing into the tee shirt. the material was soft against her skin, and smelled like tobin. she breathed in deeply, smelling lavender soap, north carolina air, and that distinct tobin smell, and cuddled into her bed.

she couldn’t help but hope that this time next month, tobin would be in this bed with her.

***

much to her dismay, christen woke up late the next day, close to twelve. she was still exhausted, but she was eager to start her day. groggily, she headed downstairs. her mom was sitting in the living room watching food network, and writing down recipes for thanksgiving day.

“morning, sunshine!” stacy greeted happily, setting down her notepad and pausing the show. christen sat down on the couch next to her, tucking in her cold legs under her body. she felt her phone buzz in her pocket, but ignored it.

“morning, mom,” christen whispered, her voice not fully awake. stacy reached out and patted christen’s head softly. “whatcha doing? where’s dad?”

“he’s at work. i’m baking pies today, wanna help?” christen nodded, leaning over to check her mom’s list. it looked like they’d be baking apple and cherry.

“of course! i’m gonna go take a shower, but then i’ll come help?” stacy nodded and christen headed back upstairs. she passed by the den, her eyes glazing over the grand piano, one her grandfather had passed down to them. a shiver ran down her spine, but she ignored it, as she’d become so accustom to doing. upstairs, she finally checked her phone.

jules: party at my place tonight. come over early and help? like 7? can’t wait to see you pressy.

(received 12:06)

tobin heath: getting on my plane now, i’ll text when i land. call me later?

(received 10:15) 

a party, did she even want to go to a party? her common sense said no, hell no, but at the same time, she wanted to see julie, and it looked like attending her party might be the only way.

she turned on the shower and stepped under the burning hot water, just the way she liked it. lately tobin had been making fun of her for how hot she took her showers, always feeling her skin afterwards and pretending to be burned. it had only been a day, barely, but christen already missed her girlfriends childish antics. she’d become so used to having her around, just a few minutes away, that being across the country felt… wrong. she missed her friends, too. ali, lindsey, and even ash and kelley, had become like a second family. in high school, at least in the last two years, she’d always had just one friend. it had been her and julie against the world, and she’d liked it that way. but, now, with a village of people around her, the thought of solitude was scary. as an only child, she’d been used to constant solitude. she’d been her own best friend for the majority of her childhood. since starting UNC, she hadn’t been alone for more than an hour. when she thought about it, maybe that had helped her mental health. knowing she always had someone to depend on, that she always had support.

she pushed her thoughts aside, rinsing the soap out of her hair and turning off the shower. her bathroom was fogged up and warm, the sign of a good shower. once she was in her room, her phone rang.

“hi jules! i was just about to call you, sorry.”

“chris! are you coming tonight?”

“uh, sure, but, aren’t your parents home? like, tomorrows thanksgiving?” julie’s parents had never cared much what she did. there were plenty of times christen remembered a party at julie’s house where her parents were sound asleep down the hall, just asking that no one drove home drunk.

“yeah, dad’s home, mom’s on business until tomorrow morning. but you know they don’t really give a shit. as long as people clear out tomorrow before family comes over,” julie explained.

“oh, well that sounds like it’ll work out perfectly,” christen said sarcastically. julie johnston house parties _rarely _ended that easily. “but, yeah, i’ll be there. seven? want me to bring anything?”

“nah, maybe just some sodas or something. anyway, i gotta go, but i can’t wait to see you!”

_okay, party tonight. okay. _

***

“so, tell me, how’s college _really _going?” stacy asked, glancing up from the pot of cherries she was stirring. christen groaned internally, she knew her mom was fishing.

“mommy,” she groaned, whining like a child. “i told you, it’s good.”

“christen press, i want details. have you gone to any parties? met anyone?” of course her mother wanted the gossip, she always did.

christen rolled her eyes, continuing to measure out ingredients for dough. “i’ve gone to a few parties. i don’t like it very much, i usually go home early,” christen admitted, wondering how that information would go over with her mom.

“are you drinking? smoking?” christen shook her head. her mom didn’t need to know everything. christen had always been a little too secretive when it came to her parents.

“oh, honey, i know you are. just be safe, please. especially if you start taking medications again, you know how those can-“

“mom, lets not talk about meds right now. or therapy, or any of that. i’m doing good, i promise. if i need it, i’ll tell you,” christen promised, hoping more than anything that her mother would drop the subject.

“i know you won’t, but okay. changing the subject. have you met anyone?” christen blushed, leaning forward so her mother wouldn’t be able to see.

“just friends, i have really good friends. oh, can i sleep over at julie’s house tonight? i’ll be home early tomorrow, don’t worry.”

“sure, as long as you’re home early.”

christen went back to mixing the dough. she and her mother had made pies together for as long as she could remember. she remembered being a little girl, maybe four, and getting to sprinkle sugar on the tops, or help scoop in the filling. as she got older, she gained more and more responsibilities, eventually stacy allowing her to make a pie completely on her own. she’d learned to cook from her mother. in their house, they never had a pre-made meal. even with the crazy hours stacy worked, she always managed to have dinner ready. it was something christen had taken for granted most of her life, until high school when stacy forced her to help make dinner. she’d hated it at the time, would have rather spent time in her room with her books, but stacy hadn’t let her slack off. at least three days a week, christen was required to help with dinner, eventually being responsible for cooking for the family. like a typical teenager, she’d complained the whole way through. it wasn’t until her senior year that she truly appreciated what her mother had done for her, the valuable skills that had been instilled in her from such a young age.

“crust ready?” stacy asked, bringing her daughter out of her thoughts. christen nodded, draping the dough over a pie pan and trimming the edges.

“i missed you, mom.”

***

christen loved julie’s house. it was larger than her own, and was clean all the time. it honestly looked straight out of an HGTV show, everything in its place. the basement was an entirely different case. it was crowded with family photos, christmas and halloween decorations, sports memorabilia, and most notabley, alcohol. in her high school days, christen had never seen so much alcohol in one place, outside of a grocery store. now that she’d seen frat houses, she realized that’s basically what julie’s basement was. a smaller, slightly less nasty, frat house. the girls were setting up for the party, laughing and catching up on college. christen was telling her, in probably too much detail, about the parties she’d been too, and how most of them had ended in puking.

“oh, pressy, you always were a lightweight,” julie remarked. “what about tobin? how is she?”

christen smiled, pausing over the stack of cups she was distributing. “yeah, tobin. what about her?” she hadn’t exactly been keeping julie updated. honestly, the most julie heard about tobin was from tobin herself. they’d met on FaceTime a couple of times, tobin stealing christen’s phone and introducing herself. other times, tobin would take it and share embarrassing christen-at-college stories, and julie would reply with her own tales of christen in high school. christen hated it, and always complained they were ganging up on her. which, of course, they were.

“oh, she’s great. the team is really good, i’m sure you’ve seen.” julie nodded. “yeah, they’re doing great. and she’s amazing, she’s… yeah, she’s amazing,” christen stuttered, lost for words to explain just how great tobin was.

“wow, how very descriptive of you!” julie joked, tossing a ping pong ball at her. christen caught it and rolled her eyes.

“oh shut up, you know how i am. she’s… a really good girlfriend. i’m really happy,” christen insisted, hoping that was a bit more of what julie was looking for.

“well, i’m really glad you’re happy. so, what’s lesbian sex like?” julie asked, all too casually.

christen had chosen the perfect time to take a sip of her (very, very classy) white claw, which she nearly spit out, face pinching up in shock.

“julie!” christen squealed.

julie shrugged. “you don’t have to say anything, pressy. just curious.”

christen bit her lip before responding. “nah, you just caught me off guard. it’s, uh, really good? i mean, you know i only have shitty experiences to compare it too, but, it’s good. she’s so… gentle, and sweet, but also, like, hot, i mean, god-“

“okay, okay,” julie cut her off, waving up a hand, putting a stop to christen’s awkward stuttering. “i’ve heard enough. glad you’re getting some, CP,” julie said through giggles. christen downed the rest of her drink and winked.

“oh, i am.”

christen heard the car doors start to slam outside.

“alright chrissy, it’s go time!”

_yup, go time. _

about two hours later, christen was more than a little drunk, closer to full on wasted. she hadn’t gotten this drunk at any of the frat parties she’d been to this year, not wanting anyone to see her like this. she downed a shot with a girl she’d taken chemistry with, before a wave of nausea hit her. christen excused herself and turned around, stumbling through friends, acquaintances, people she’d hated in high school, and others she had never seen before.

“fresh air…” she muttered, trying to see through the masses and find the back door. “fucking… door.”

she felt a hand on her lower back and flinched. tobin never did that. but, if that wasn’t tobin, who was touching her?

“tobin?” she said, turning around. no, not tobin. it was some boy she’d never met before, maybe one of julie’s new friends, possibly someone she’d been to high school with. 

“do you need help?” the boy asked, his hand still on her lower back.

_get your hand off of me. _

christen shook his hand off. “no, i don’t, i just gotta find the door,” she slurred, turning back around. she spotted the door, just where it’d always been. she stumbled over the steps, outside to the fire pit. vaguely aware of the boy still following her, she sat down on the ground near the fire pit. the boy sat down next to her.

“i’m sorry, i don’t mean to bother you, but you seem in bad shape,” the boy said, sounding polite and genuinely concerned. “could i get you some water?”

christen nodded, staring at the fire. her head hurt, and her eyes couldn’t seem to focus.

“uh, yeah, some water would be great,” christen whispered. maybe he heard her, maybe he didn’t. christen didn’t really care either way. she pulled out her phone, realizing she hadn’t texted tobin all day.

christen press: hi tobbs.,, call me!

(sent 11:57)

her phone started ringing, barely a minute later.

“chris? you okay?” tobin croaked, her groggy voice making christen realize just how late it was for tobin.

“tobs? what time is it? why’d ya answer…” she heard tobin laugh on the other end.

“i’ve… been keeping my phone on pretty loud. incase you call me, like now. are you okay?”

“oh, ‘m great. ‘m great, at julie’s house…” tobin laughed again.

“baby, are you drunk?”

“of course! ‘m super drunk!”

the boy appeared beside her again, holding out a cup of water.

“thanks… you!” christen said to him. he smiled kindly and walked away, seeing she was on the phone. “this guy just brought me water, isn’t that nice?” christen said, even as drunk as she was, knowing that would make tobin a little… possessive. christen knew exactly what she was doing.

“oh, yeah, very nice of him. i’m sure he’s not trying to get anything out of that,” tobin said, her voice still amused, but now with a hint of annoyance.

“nope, i think he was really nice… why, you jealous, toby?” christen teased, her voice low and, if tobin didn’t know any better, sensual.

“baby,” tobin groaned, voice low. “yeah, a little. a little.”

off in the distance, christen heard julie call her name. she chugged half the glass of water before shakily standing up. julie was waving at her from across the lawn, standing by the makeshift beer pong table.

“i gotta go, toby, julie and i are gonna play beer pong!”

she and julie played terribly, so of course, she drank even more.

***

“oh, my god, i drank too much,” christen groaned, rolling over in julie’s bed.

julie kicked a waste basket towards her, knowing her friend had a tendency to throw up. christen all but fell out of the bed, wrapping her arms and legs around the trashcan.

“oh, fuck…” christen looked up to see julie, who sprung out of bed and ran to her bathroom. upon hearing her best friend throw up, christen started gagging as well. julie walked in a few moments later, holding two cups of water. she passed one to christen wordlessly, and laid down gingerly in her own bed. “this was such a bad idea,” julie whined.

christen coughed again, the last contents of her stomach spilling out. her throat stung, and her stomach twisted. alcohol puke was the absolute worst. christen slowly and gingerly sipped on her water, and reached for her phone.

tobin heath: ur a funny drunk. but you hung up on me. love you, good night.

(received 12:01)

tobin heath: GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!!! i bet you feel AMAZING!!

(received 4:21)

tobin heath: oh, happy thanksgiving. call me later!

(received 4:25)

mom: chris, please be home by 8. love you.

(received 7:01)

christen rubbed her eyes and checked the time. it was almost eight.

“fuck!” christen shouted, jumping up.

_that was a bad idea. _

she sat back down on julie’s bed. slower this time, she stood up and adjusted to the feeling.

“julie, i gotta go,” christen said, turning to see that julie was already asleep again, snoring lightly. christen rolled her eyes and grabbed her overnight bag. she stumbled down julie’s stairs, greeting her parents in the kitchen. she exited out the garage, where her car was parked safely inside. once out of julie’s neighborhood, she called tobin, putting her on speaker. tobin picked up immediately, of course.

“hi chris! how’re you feeling?” christen groaned, causing tobin to laugh at her.

“jesus christ, terrible. but also good. i had a really good time, caught up with old friends, but god, i feel so awful right now,” christen groaned.

“you sounded pretty drunk, i’m not surprised. and some guy was giving you drinks…” tobin said, reminding christen of their phone call. she laughed to herself, nearly running a red light.

“oh, yeah, that guy… i don’t remember too much… but i think _someone _got a little jealous, huh?” she could practically hear tobin blushing, mumbling something incoherent.

“what can i say, i miss you!”

“tobin, it’s been two days,” christen pointed out. she was turning into her neighborhood now, julie’s house was thankfully just a five minute drive away. if she could just shower before her family got there, everything would be okay. she thought she could smell the alcohol seeping through her pores, but maybe that was just her mind.

“i know, i know. and hey, you can’t blame me for being jealous, you’re like, the most beautiful girl in the world, people never stop looking at you. it’s very difficult to be me,” tobin said in a sarcastic whine. christen rolled her eyes.

“oh, you poor baby. alright, i gotta go, i’m home and i need to shower as soon as i can. i smell like smirnoff.”

tobin laughed on the other end. “i’m sure you smell amazing, babe,” she joked.

“i smell like i slept in a white claw cannery. which, to some degree, i may have. anyway, will you call me tonight?”

“of course. just text me when it’s a good time, cause i’ll be done with dinner and stuff before you,” tobin pointed out, reminding christen of the time difference. she parked her car, sitting for one more minute, not just ready to hang up yet.

“oh, that reminds me, please don’t answer my drunk texts when its three am and you should be asleep!” tobin laughed, causing christen to do the same.

“mmm, sure, but i never would have gotten to hear super drunk christen! she’s very cute. i’d like to meet her sometime.”

“would you tobs? she pukes, a lot.” christen finally got out of her car, dragging her overnight backpack behind her.

“mm, nothing i haven’t seen before, babe!” christen groaned, tobin always had to bring that up, didn’t she. not like christen could blame her, it was a pretty funny moment looking back.

“god, no. okay, i have to go. i love you.”

“i love you, too.”

christen smiled as she hung up, ignoring her pounding headache and practically skipping into her house. it smelled just how it always used to when she was little, the unmistakable fall scent of apple cider and spices brewing in a pot on the stove. the macy’s parade was on, commercials for now, and light streamed in the windows by the tv. her dad was sleeping on the couch, her mom reading a newspaper next to him. the dogs were curled up under their feet.

“hi honey,” stacy said softly, not bothering to look up. “go get cleaned up and then please help me and dad cook, okay?” christen muttered something in agreement before heading off to shower.

***

thanksgiving was running smoothly, as it usually did. it was one day she’d always been able to count on, one day where her parents were at their happiest. the yelling in the house was joyous, families reuniting, not the arguments she’d grown used to as a kid. christen had greeted each relative at the door, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. now, everyone was sitting around the table, or helping to carry platters of food into the dining room. christen took her seat in between her mother and her cousin hannah, who was a few years older than her and graduated from stanford. she was in her first year of grad school, always the pride of the family. she was beautiful and kind, and christen had always looked up to her. to her right, stacy served christen some green beans, nudging her on the arm to let her know she needed to pass the serving dish. she passed the dish to her left, hannah taking it with a smile. across the table, her grandpa dropped a wine glass. it shattered on the floor, causing a commotion of laughter and voices. the startle hit christen a few seconds later, causing her to freeze up for a moment. she’d always been delayed in her startling, or overly reactive. her mother was already sweeping the glass by the time her heart rate returned to normal.

“you okay, christen?” hannah said quietly, placing a hand on christen’s shoulder.

christen smiled and nodded, wringing her hands in her lap. “just zoned out for a sec, yeah!” christen said brightly.

around her, the chatter had returned to normal. but, for some reason, the volume was bothering christen. it was no louder than it had been before, she knew, but voices echoed in her head, growing louder and louder. she felt like she was underwater, unable to make out words from the jumble of noise. she shook her head back and forth, trying to snap herself out of the cloudy feeling. she knew that what she needed to do was distract herself, that was what always helped. but, she couldn’t, she couldn’t seem to find anything else to focus on.

“christen, tell us about college,” she heard her aunt say. christen looked up to see her aunt mary looking at her expectantly.

_words, christen, words. fuck. _

“uh, good,” she sputtered out, taking a sip of water to try and ground herself.

stacy frowned. “give us some more than that, honey,” she said, her voice cautionary.

“i’m, uh, enjoying classes, friends, you know…” she trailed off. christen was now very aware that everyone at the table was silent, everyone was looking at her.

“have you met anyone?” her grandma asked, leaning forward in her chair. “you know, i met your grandpa in college. are there nice boys in carolina?”

christen swallowed hard. she knew her grandma meant well, she didn’t mean anything by saying ‘boys’ specifically. christen shook her head. she couldn’t focus on the faces around her, couldn’t find a point to focus on.

focusing on her plate, she heard her mother tell everyone christen was focusing on her studies, and smoothly change the subject to something her grandparents found much more entertaining. she felt hannah’s hand on her shoulder.

“christen, it’s that girl, isn’t it?” christen turned her head slowly.

“what?” she croaked, her mouth dry.

“on your instagram, the soccer player?” her cousin was whispering, her voice barely audible. “she’s your girlfriend, right?”

christen blinked hard, remembering the photos she’d posted of her and tobin after one of her soccer games, where christen was wearing her jersey. she didn’t mind that hannah had seen it, it wasn’t like she was ashamed of their relationship. at that moment, for some reason, it was the tipping point for her. christen nodded slowly. her palms were sweating. her stomach turned.

“i’m sorry, i’ll be right back…” christen whispered, before slipping out of her chair. as she exited the dining room, her body finally gave in. her breathing quickened, almost to the point of hyperventilation, and her legs shook as she climbed the stairs to her room. the sound of the glass breaking was replaying over and over in her head, along with her grandma asking about school. she crumpled on the floor in front of her bed, letting out a silent sob. she wasn’t even aware of what she was doing at this point.

“hello?”

_when did i call tobin? _

“chris? what’s up?”

tobin sounded chill, like she always did. christen couldn’t say anything yet, she was trying to control her breathing. a sob escaped her lips, and she heard tobin draw in a sharp breath on the other end.

“what’s wrong? christen, are you okay?”

christen shook her head, fully aware tobin couldn’t see her.

“take a deep breath, okay? just focus on your breathing,” tobin instructed. “hey, breath in with me, okay? in… out… in… out…”

christen breathed with her, her breath shaky, but regulating.

“good job, honey. that’s good. keep doing that.”

tobin’s voice alone was enough to calm her down, at least a bit. she drew in another shaky breath, holding it before exhaling.

“tobin,” she whispered. she looked around her room, fixating on the clock on her wall. it hadn’t worked in hears, but it was the winnie the pooh themed clock from her nursery, and she’d kept it out of nostalgia. it was permanently stuck on ten-fifteen, because christen had liked how the hands looked in that position.

“chris, i’m here.” the line was quiet for a moment, both girls breathing silently. “what happened?”

“i don’t know, fuck. i don’t know. we’re having dinner… shit, fuck, tobin, i just got up and left. my mom’s gonna be so mad at me…” christen wiped the tears from her cheeks, frowning at the mascara smeared on her shirt sleeves.

“don’t worry about that right now, babe. just talk to me, what’s up?”

and, god, why did tobin have to be so damn understanding? she never pushed christen too far, always listened, even when she needed to be doing something else. christen had no idea what she’d done to deserve her. even more than that, she had no idea what tobin had done to deserve _her. _it bothered her from time to time, that tobin could have had almost anyone. but, for some reason, she loved christen. christen, who constantly needed reassuring, was clingy and needy, and could barely keep herself together. christen, who she’d seen through panic attacks, and days she couldn’t get out of bed, so many other lows.

“no, i gotta go. bye,” christen whispered, hanging up the phone. she stopped in her bathroom on the way downstairs, wiping the mascara from under her eyes and splashing some cold water on her flushed cheeks. after so many years, she was a master of hiding that she’d just cried. she took a deep breath and walked downstairs, back into the dining room. she slid back into her seat. her family was deep into some political conversation, only hannah noticing her return.

“hey, christen, sorry if i-“

christen waved her hand dismissively, shifting into her seat.

“oh, it’s nothing, just remembered i had to, uh, email one of my teachers,” she lied, picking at her food.

“still, i’m sorry i brought it up, that was personal, and-“ christen cut her off again.

“hannah, seriously, no. she, uh,” christen paused for a moment, looking around. with her and hannah talking quietly, and everyone around them so loud, it was clear no one was listening. “she’s my girlfriend, yeah. but, i’m not sure why, i just haven’t told anyone yet, so please don’t mention it to the fam. i just… honestly, i don’t want the questions…” christen continued to breathe deeply, in and out, just like tobin always told her. she felt almost completely regulated again, back to her baseline.

“i won’t. she’s really cute, you did good!”

christen smiled, but there was sadness behind it. if there was one thing that cheered her up, it was talking about tobin, but now, it just made her a bit melancholy. she couldn’t get the thoughts of not deserving tobin out of her mind.

“yeah, i did,” christen said softly.

for the rest of the dinner, christen couldn’t get the negative thoughts to go away, they repeated in her brain over and over, relentless in their attacks.

_tobin doesn’t love you, god, you’re so annoying. you don’t deserve her. she can do better. she’s going to break up with you, just wait. _

***

christen had just hung up on her. that was new. usually it took them ages to hang up, each saying ‘i love you’ about four times. christen had never hung up so abruptly, especially when she was so upset. god, she’d been so upset. tobin had seen her like that before, of course, but she’d always been there to see her through it. she’d always been there to hold her hand, rub her back, whatever she needed. this time, she had no idea whether christen was okay or not. she didn’t know what had set her off, what had gone wrong. she’d been doing so well, hadn’t had a bad day or a panic attack in over a month. she’d been so, so good. now, when she broke down, presumably alone in her room, tobin ached knowing she wasn’t with her.

tobin heath: call me back

(sent 5:36)

tobin heath: chris?

(sent 8:37)

tobin heath: i’m here, no matter what, yeah? please call me later. i need to know you’re okay.

(sent 8:50)

tobin heath: i love you :)

(sent 8:51)

she’d called her twice, but had no luck getting a response. both her calls rang until reaching christen’s voicemail. tobin had no idea what to do, so, as she’d always done when she didn’t know what to do, she called ashlyn.

“hey, what’s up?” ashlyn sounded calm and steady, exactly what tobin needed.

tobin took a deep breath. her breath shook and her eyes stung from holding back tears. she rarely cried, but when she did, ashlyn was the one she went to. “i don’t know what to do, ash,” tobin whispered.

“what do you mean? tobin, what’s up?”

tobin leaned back on her bed. she heard ashlyn mumble something about being right back, excusing herself from whoever she was with.

“christen…”

“did she break up with you? cause, i love that girl, but i’ll kick some ass. as long as ali isn’t holding me back… still, i’ll kick ass. or kelley will, no one would stop kelley.”

tobin laughed lightly at her best friend, grateful she always tried to cheer her up. through her small laugh, a tear rolled down her cheek.

“no, she didn’t break up with me. and i didn’t break up with her,” tobin clarified. ash let out a sigh of relief.

“oh, thank god, because there is no universe where i could be mad at that girl… but, what happened? talk to me, tobs.”

_talk to me, tobs. _

she sounded just like she always had in their childhood. when it had just been ash, kelley, and tobin against the world. when they met for the first time on some youth development soccer team, and were inseparable ever since. kelley and tobin had always needed to be kept in check, always needed a little more guidance than the other kids. ashlyn had always been pretty mature, and she’d taken tobin and kelley under her protective wing.

right away she’d figured out that tobin kept her emotions close, never letting anything bubble over to the surface. but, of course, she was bound to explode at some point. she always did, one way or another, and ashlyn had always been there, offering an arm and a ‘talk to me, tobs,’ just when she needed it most.

like right now.

“she… she called me, like thirty minutes ago, she was having a panic attack i think, i recognized it. she’s with her family, and i think they were eating dinner, and she called me crying, so, i had her breathe with me, like i always do, and i think she calmed down but then she just hung up, it was really weird. i just, i thought she was doing so good, i thought everything was fine…” tobin trailed off, unsure what else there was for her to say. she honestly didn’t know why she’d called ash, didn’t know what kind of advice she was looking for, just knew she was looking for something.

“tobin, what’s up, what’s really up? this has happened before, it’s never… bothered you like this,” ash pointed out.

tobin looked up at her ceiling again, focusing on the dust bunnies gathering on her ceiling fan. the tears were rolling faster now, no stopping them. “because i’m not there. and, i’m always there for her. i thought she was doing better, and…. ash, it just hurts so fucking much. i love her so much, and i just want to fix her. i want her to be okay,” tobin cried, her voice breaking. it was one of the saddest sounds ashlyn thought she’d ever heard.

ashlyn was silent for a while. she hated hearing tobin cry, hated hearing her sad. she was just thankful she couldn’t see her, because ashlyn knew if she saw tobin’s red, teary, face, she would absolutely crumple. ashlyn took a deep breath, and finally spoke.

“listen, i’m gonna give it to you straight up, just what i’ve seen and learned. tobin, you can love her. god, you can love her so much. you can care about her. you can tell her everyday how amazing she is, and how strong she is, and how much she means to you. you can love her so much. but you can’t love away the mental illness. you can’t fix her. and more importantly, you have to accept that you don’t need to fix her. she doesn’t need fixing, she needs healing. and that isn’t something you can give her, no matter how much you want to. all you can do is love her, and support her, and hold her extra tight.”

she knew ashlyn was right. no amount of love could improve christen’s mental health. no amount of hugs, kisses, and support, could change whatever had happened to christen. she could make things a little better, hurt a little less, but ashlyn was right. tobin couldn’t heal her.

“she doesn’t need fixing. she’s the closest thing to perfect in my life,” tobin whispered, her voice cracking again. fix. god, she hated that idea, that christen needed to be fixed. even though she’d said it herself, as soon as she did, she realized how much she hated the words. it implied being broken, which tobin knew all too well was how christen often thought of herself. she never wanted to enforce that, all she wanted to do was show christen how whole she is, how good, and kind, and amazing, and most of all, loved.

“yeah, she might be. but, also, tobin, you can’t put that pressure on her. even if she’s perfect to you, let her be imperfect. let her be what she needs to be, and you can be what she needs you to be. love her, but don’t expect it to heal the hurt she feels,” ashlyn advised. tobin had never been so thankful for ashlyn in her whole life.

“what if she doesn’t get any better? i just want her to be okay.”

ashlyn was silent for a moment, as if pondering what to say next. “i don’t know, tobs. but i think she will. healing isn’t linear, you know, it’s full of ups and downs and setbacks. there’s no quick fix, it takes a long time. you’ve just got to trust that it’ll be okay at some point, and have faith in christen to get there.”

“yeah, yeah. that sounds… right. god, thanks ash. i… i really need you, you know. to figure things out,” tobin admitted.

“oh, tobin. that’s what i’m here for. and, it goes both ways, you know? you’re the most helpful person i know, even if you’re not trying. you’re special, tobs, ya mean a lot to me.”

tobin sniffed again, wiping her nose with the back of her hand like a child. “what do i do now?”

ashlyn laughed lightly. “you’ve gotta figure that out yourself, my dude. my best advice is to just keep on doing what you’re doing. be there for her, even if you’re far away. i mean, you won’t always be there when she gets bad. and, i mean, you weren’t there for all the years before. she’s a strong kid, just trust in that. give her some credit for how strong she is. that’s all i got.”

tobin laughed through a few more straggling tears. “i love how you say ‘that’s all i got’ right after dropping all that,” tobin said with a laugh. from downstairs, she heard someone call her name. she wiped away the stray tears on her cheeks, hoping it wasn’t too obvious she’d been crying. “okay, i gotta go. thanks for everything, you’re the best.”

“you too, tobito. it’s gonna be okay.”

as soon as ash hung up, tobin texted christen again.

tobin heath: i love you. you’re the strongest person i know. call me when you’re ready, i’m always gonna be here for you.

(sent 9:23)

tobin didn’t know if that would make things better or worse, if she should leave her alone or keep texting. either way, she thought it was worth it to try.

after all, she always had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a long one, hope you enjoyed! as always i love to hear your feedback, it makes my day. drop a comment here or head over to my tumblr, @sonny-flowerr
> 
> thanks for reading kiddos!


	18. chapter seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> without losing a piece of me, how do i get to heaven?
> 
> without changing a part of me, how do i get to heaven?
> 
> all my time is wasted, feeling like my heart’s mistaken
> 
> so if i’m losing a piece of me, maybe i don’t want heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey bros! enjoy this chapter with a little background about our fave (slightly angsty) soccer gal. this is def a different style than the other chaps, so i hope no one has too much of a problem with it.

chapter seventeen:

_left sock. right sock. left cleat. right cleat. guard. guard. tie. tie. deep breaths. in, out. in, out. count to ten. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…._

_eight years old._

“tobin powell heath, that is no way to talk to your mother!”

when her father yelled at her, tobin tuned it out. she just kept running, knowing that if she ran, ran as fast as she could, she didn’t have to see the disappointment on his or anyone’s face.

her feet hurt, bruised from the older girls stepping on them. her game yesterday had been brutal. whoever decided she should play up an age group clearly hadn’t taken into account that tobin was already small for her age, and the bigger girls would surely trample her.

her knees were bruised, her shins were scraped. but, she embraced the pain. it told her she was doing something right, she was feeling things.

“one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” she whispered, just like her soccer coach had taught her.

but she was only eight years old, how was she supposed to understand the anger? how was she supposed to interpret what she was feeling?

when she’d screamed and cried on the pitch her soccer coach had pulled her aside, tried to calm her down.

“count to ten. it’ll calm you down. take deep breaths.”

“one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” she whispered, over and over again, for the next eleven years.

_ten years old._

_left sock. right sock. left cleat. right cleat. guard, guard. tie, tie. deep breaths. in, out. in, out. count to ten. one, two, three…._

somewhere along the way this had become her ritual. she couldn’t step on the pitch without doing so, she just couldn’t.

it was the first big game of the season. tobin was still playing up an age group, with the twelve-thirteens instead of ten-elevens. she was scared to death, and soccer had never scared her before. as a last resort, she sent out a quick prayer, hoping god was listening to her. he never seemed to be.

she never prayed much, anyway.

when one of the other team’s players pushed her down, tobin got right back up and ignored the urge to retaliate. she just dribbled on by, scoring a goal.

she counted in her head, the paces it took to run back to her line. she counted everything when she needed to calm down.

(which, these days, was almost always.)

they won, of course they did. tobin was still the prodigal player all her coaches had always thought she’d be. there was no sign of slowing down.

there never had been.

after the game, the girl came over and apologized to her. tobin just shook her head and walked away, counting slowly to herself.

shortly after, tobin got into her first fight. she was at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to arrive. it was always late.

the boy next to her was a year older. he was juggling a soccer ball, but his technique was off. his foot was floppy, no wonder her couldn’t make more than three consecutive hits.

“you’re doing it wrong,” tobin said. “flex your foot more, it’ll help.”

the boy had given her a sour look. “what do you know?” she knew what he was insinuating. because she was a girl, or younger than him, or for whatever other reason, she didn’t know about soccer. it was a small comment, it shouldn’t have phased her as much as she did.

her mind wasn’t aware of what she’d done until it was over. she’d kicked the ball as hard as she could into the street. when she came to her senses again, she was on the ground.

later, her mother who’d seen everything from the kitchen, told her that the boy had pushed her down, and she’d kicked him in the stomach.

“i’m very disappointed in you tobin, you shouldn’t have started that.”

she didn’t bother arguing, just stormed upstairs and slammed her door shut.

_twelve years old._

she met her in sunday school.

_annabelle _

she was pretty in a way tobin had never noticed before. she’d always admired beauty. she’d sat in her sisters room while they talked about boys they liked, and who they thought was the cutest, or would be the best to kiss.

it didn’t take tobin very long to figure out she didn’t think of boys that way. it didn’t take her very long to realize she was different from most of the girls around her.

she’d never been particularly worried about it. no one had ever given her a reason to believe what she felt was wrong.

annabelle was beautiful. she was the most beautiful girl tobin thought she’d ever seen. she was small, smaller than tobin. she had wavy blonde hair, and deep brown eyes. the first time tobin saw them, something in her changed.

she was no longer content to ignore her feelings. she’d accepted it a long time ago. gay. but now, she wanted to act on it.

they got closer. she befriended annabelle and they just clicked. tobin thought of her as an angel, beautiful and powerful.

she was the first girl to break tobin’s heart. the first, and only. it had all happened so fast. their friendship, the long walks and sleepovers, the secret sharing and the gentle touches. then it all came crashing down, all because of a fucking movie poster, tobin had lost her best friend, the girl she was surely falling in love with.

and, god, it hurt so much. tobin swore she’d never felt so much pain. the scrapes, sprains, and tears were nothing compared to annabelle’s words.

_sin. it’s a sin. _

tobin had heard the word so many times, of course she had, but never had it hit so close to home. she’d heard about it in church, jesus dying for their sins. and then, it was repeating in her head, over and over again.

_sin. sin. sin. sin. _

and then one day in church, it hit all too close to home again. annabelle was two pews in front of her, looking as beautiful as ever.

_“if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”_

tobin heard nothing else from the sermon, just that one verse.

_confess our sins. confess. _

looking back, she was just glad annabelle left before she was old enough to really fall in love.

god knows she never would have recovered.

_fourteen years old._

“tobin, don’t turn your back on god.”

_what if god already turned his back on me? then what? _

_then what?_

tobin’s parents had never let her skip church. even when she was sick, nose running the entire time, they still went.

so when she told them she couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t go to church, no one took it well. her sisters were annoyed, wanted to get out of the house in a hurry, they were meeting their boyfriends before service. her parents were angry, said she was being defiant. jeff didn’t really care, but when the rest of the family was distressed, he was too.

_“i don’t care, what pastor michael says, i just don’t agree with it!” _

_“me neither. it’s wrong, just unnatural. and to think he’s up there condoning that lifestyle, with children in the pews. disgusting.” _

_“i honestly don’t know if i’ll be coming back.” _

_“i know i won’t.” _

the words had been replaying in her head since the previous sunday. since she’d been walking to the parking lot with her family, and overheard some women discussing the sermon. it had been all about love and acceptance, tobin had thought it was beautiful. apparently the women didn’t agree, focusing in on the small portion where the pastor glazed over homosexuality. he’d said all were deserving of love, hadn’t he? that we had no right to nitpick the bible, and no right to choose who deserves love? it had been beautiful, so why were these women so angry?

tobin hadn’t gotten over their anger. she worried her parents might feel the same if she told them. what if they couldn’t accept her. what if her siblings couldn’t accept her. where would she go, that scared her the most. she had no one but her family.

“tobin powell heath, you better be downstairs in the next ten seconds or else it is _so_ over for your tv privileges!”

_left sock. right sock. left shoe. right shoe. deep breaths. in, out. in, out. count to ten. _

“one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

_fifteen years old._

_crack._

that’s all she remembered, physically feeling the crack of her bone. she swore she heard it as well, but who could say for sure.

she knew the tackle would be a bad idea. her plant foot had been so out of position, and when the girls hit the ball at the same time, a satisfying _thump, _tobin knew she was in it. when she crumpled to the ground, the other girl falling on top of her, she knew it was bad.

_crack._

she couldn’t get up. she couldn’t move, that’s all she really remembered. her coach was yelling, insisting on a yellow, a card that would never come.

in the end, tobin just felt like she’d let her team down. she’d become used to being the best player on the team. now, she was no player. she was benched, injured, sitting out the rest of her freshman season, both school and club.

in the doctors office, on the sideline, in physical therapy, she counted. counted the days until she was out of her cast, the days until she was cleared to play, the seconds added to her mile time now that she was out of practice, the number of shots she missed.

most of all, she counted to ten. over and over again, until the numbers had no meaning.

“one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

her parents yelled at her. they told her she brought this upon herself. which, was true. she’d been playing much too angrily for a high school team. they told her they were surprised she hadn’t received any cards yet, or suspensions.

while they yelled, she counted.

the bedroom she shared with her sister had never felt smaller. every time tobin stormed in, slammed the door, and threw herself on the bed, her sister rolled her eyes and left. nobody wanted to deal with tobin.

there wasn’t enough room in the heath household for her anger. tobin felt like there wasn’t enough room in the world.

she told her brother first. they were playing some board game in tobin’s room, jeff agreeing to entertain her while she was in a cast. he’d always been the sibling she was closest with. the one she confided in, asked for help from. they’d always been the two out late at night, playing games in the backyard, nearly getting lost in the woods.

so when she told him, she knew his response could crush her in one second.

“hey, so, i think i’m gay,” she’d said, adding ‘i think’, because even though she knew, she couldn’t help but give him something to hold on to if he didn’t accept her. a possibility that she would go back to normal.

she’d held her breath, waiting anxiously for a response.

_one, two, three, four- _

“cool. so do you think janie andrews is hot?”

“dude, she’s your age, no way!”

_at least i’ll always have jeff. _

_sixteen years old. _

when she kissed a girl for the first time, it wasn’t what she’d expected. she and kelley were sat alone in their hotel room, in florida for some youth development program, and tobin told her, “kell, i’m gay.” she hadn’t expected kelley to say the same. she didn’t like kelley, not like that, but kelley suggested they kiss, just to try it. to see what kissing a girl was like. kelley had kissed boys before. tobin had never kissed anyone, but she pretended she had. so, they decided to kiss, just to see what kissing girls was like. kelley said she liked it more than kissing boys, that tobin was good at it. tobin said the same, but really, she just felt weird for having kissed kelley. she still didn’t know what to expect.

at practice the next day, she didn’t feel anything. everything was normal again. kelley clapped her on the back as she got ready for practice.

_left sock. right sock. left cleat. right cleat. guard. guard. tie. tie. deep breaths. in, out. in, out. one, two, three, four…._

shortly after returning from florida, tobin sat down at the kitchen table with her parents. for years now, she’d thought of herself as a sinner. or, someone with the potential to sin. now, she’d made it real. she’d kissed a girl.

she’d sinned now, hadn’t she?

she couldn’t stop thinking of that one verse. about confessing her sins. she had to get it out, had to confess. coming out became more of a confession than anything else.

“guys, i’m gay,” she’d whispered. cindy had looked to jeff, silently begging for something, tobin would never know what. jeff had sighed and leaned forward, taking her hands in his own. he’d always understood her better than cindy. he’d always been the one to sit down with her when she was angry, whether over sports, her siblings, math problems, or anything else. now, over her sexuality.

he’d opened his mouth before pausing, as if rethinking whatever he was about to say. “tobin, i’m glad you’re telling us. i love you no matter what, okay?”

tobin nodded through her tears. she didn’t know when she’d teared up, just knew that now they were falling down her cheeks.

“mama?” she whispered, looking up at her mother. the silence from cindy was completely deafening.

_one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine-_

“so you like girls… only girls?” tobin nodded. cindy swallowed, taking another moment. “well, i guess you’ll keep the balance. your sisters are always bringing home the worst boys, at least i can count on another daughter now,” she joked, smiling a watery smile. tobin burst out laughing, standing up and falling into her mothers arms.

she’d never felt so much relief in her life.

_present day_.

_left sock. right sock. left cleat. right cleat. guard. guard. tie. tie. deep breaths. in, out. in, out. count to ten. one, two, three- _

“have you heard from her?”

tobin shook her head.

it was three days later, still thanksgiving break, but not for the UNC womens soccer team. they were in cary preparing to face-off with colorado in the third round of the college cup.

ashlyn sat down on the grass next to tobin, placing a hand on her shoulder. “i’m sorry tobs. but, hey, you’ll have to see her eventually, and then you’ll get it all sorted out. right now you can’t think about that, we’ve got a game to win.”

tobin rolled her eyes. of course ashlyn could say that, just like it was no big deal. there was no way she could understand.

“and, i know you, so before you say i don’t understand, i do,” ashlyn said, reminding tobin of the similar situation she’d been through with ali when they broke up. obviously tobin and christen weren’t broken up, but the hurt tobin felt was the same. tobin nodded. there wasn’t much else she could say right now, she knew if she talked about christen she would start crying. and, ashlyn was right, they had a game to win.

colorado was no match for UNC, especially with tobin playing as angrily as she had in her youth. her fouls were dangerous and dirty, anson yelling at her from the sidelines to get it together, stop playing dirty.

in the forty-eighth minute, shortly after she scored on a header, a foul was called on tobin once again. this time, it was a accompanied by a yellow card, causing anson to sub alex in, benching tobin temporarily.

“shit!”

tobin ran her hands through her hair, storming off the field.

“tobin!”

tobin looked up to see who was yelling at her.

“what, kriegs,” tobin said in annoyance, flopping dramatically down onto the bench.

ali glared at her, not willing to take any shit. “tobin, don’t. you’re playing like shit and if you’re not careful it’s costing us the game. and you don’t want that on your conscience do you? it’s a team effort but without you we’re lost. so get it together, and stop whining about christen. or at the very least, control your anger and use it to your advantage, okay?”

tobin rolled her eyes. she knew ali was right. but, she was just so angry. angry at herself, angry at christen, angry at the game, and she didn’t know what to do. she felt just as helpless as she had in her childhood, with so much anger and no where to put it.

_deep breaths. in, out. in, out. count to ten. one, two, three, four, five, six- _

“heath, you’re going back in. get it together.”

tobin nodded at anson and jogged behind the bench to warm up again, even though her heart rate hadn’t even returned to normal.

“seven, eight, nine, ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,” she whispered under her breath, repeating the numbers again and again until anson called her name to sub in.

throughout the rest of the game, she kept counting. from one to ten, over and over again, keeping herself grounded and tied to the game. it wasn’t until the very end, when UNC had surely secured the win, that she lost it. she was slide tackled by a defender in the eighty-fifth minute, and her calm went out the window. both girls stood up, tobin yelling the whole time. not thinking, she reached out and pushed the other girl, much harder than she’d intended. tobin barely saw her fall to the ground, of course she did, and draw the foul. tobin hardly even noticed the yellow card issued to colorado’s defender, and the red card issued to herself. she was already storming off the field, ignoring the noise of the crowd. anson said nothing to her when she came off the field, just pointed at the bench. tobin tried not to burst into tears, watching her team finish out the last few minutes a player down. of course they held their own, more than capable of keeping their lead for the final minutes.

at the end of the game, tobin pulled herself together to celebrate with her team. ash clapped her on the back, not saying anything. tobin knew she was disappointed, and it hurt like hell.

“tobs, it’s okay.”

tobin looked sideways at kelley, barely able to meet her eyes. “i’m sorry, kel. i’m just not having a good day, i’m sorry,” tobin whispered, her voice cracking with emotion. she tried to keep walking and follow her team into the tunnel, but kelley grabbed her arm to stop her.

“no. it’s. okay. this was one day, tobin. one game. move on and get ready for the next round, okay? i love you, no matter what.”

tobin nodded, sniffing weakly. she looked so small, her oversized jersey nearly swallowing her whole. kelley squeezed her shoulders and pulled her in for a tight hug, whispering that it was okay, everything would be okay. tobin sniffed and let her tears fall, staining kelley’s jersey.

“i love you too,” tobin whispered, unsure if kelley even heard her.

they walked into the tunnel hand in hand, tobin taking deep breaths to steady herself.

_one. two. three. four. five. six. seven. eight. nine. ten. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for my ~messy~ update schedule lol. also sorry for how short this one is, i was just really struggling with it. anyhow, comments greatly appreciated. your feedback means the world :)


	19. chapter eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my shadow's dancing  
without you for the first time  
my heart is hoping  
you'll walk right in tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo i am SO sorry this took so long. thank you all for staying with me:)

chapter eighteen

the moment she’d hung up on tobin at thanksgiving, christen knew that something had changed.

she knew that it was her fault- she knew she’d fucked up, but she couldn’t bring herself to call back, answer one of her texts, anything. she just couldn’t do it.

_tobin could do better. _

_easily. _

it was something christen couldn’t get out of her head, she just couldn’t rid her mind of the invasive thoughts. as much as she tried, the negativity won every time.

her dorm was unsettlingly empty. she had known that ali would still be in california with the soccer team, but somehow the empty feeling in the dorm still surprised her. it was as if she’d walked into a foreign place, and not the second home she’d come to love.

the first thing she had noticed were the unmistakable traces of tobin that littered the room. a tee shirt on the ground, and her empty classes case on the desk, which sat alongside some extra contact solution and her dining hall card. one of her blankets also lay crumpled at the end of christen’s bed, and christen was pretty sure that the water bottle sitting by the closet was tobin’s as well. she hadn’t realized just how intertwined their lives had become over the past few months. now in tobin’s absence, the signs were obvious. christen could swear that everything in her room smelled faintly of tobin- most of all her bed.

she’d barely been in her dorm for a minute before she needed to get out, but she realized all too quickly that without tobin as a lifeline, she had no idea of where to go. christen took a deep breath and decided to head to the library and start studying for finals- better than sulking, after all. but once she got there, she found herself unable to focus on her books. students around her quietly studied, but christen couldn’t find it in herself to care. instead, worthlessness crept back into the empty cracks inside of her. this was familiar- she was so used to this overwhelming feeling of nothingness, that in some twisted way she almost found comfort in its familiarity.

she stared desolately at tobin’s last few unanswered texts- the radio silence now reaching four days. since she’d met tobin, they’d never gone so long without talking. there had always been some point of communication, whether it was texting, talking, or calling.

it’s not like christen hadn’t tried- she’d drafted many texts, but none of them adequately expressed how she felt. she just couldn’t figure out how to end the silence she’d caused.

with a heavy sigh, christen pocketed her phone, put away her books, and walked out of the library and away from the crowd.

_i’m sorry i freaked out, can we talk? i love you too, i need help_

_why are you with me?_

***

UNC lost in the semi finals.

tobin was crushed, of course, especially since she was benched. she couldn’t help but feel like the loss was on her and that if she’d just been able to keep herself together, then maybe her team could have won. the guilt that tobin felt was like nothing she’d ever felt before. it was as if the weight just kept stacking up on her shoulders, pound after pound. now, she was on the most depressing flight of her life. headed back to north carolina, where all she wanted to do was climb into bed with christen and forget about all her problems.

except that christen was now possibly her biggest problem of all. she hadn’t heard from her for close to a week.

ashlyn held her hand the entire flight.

every once in a while, tobin counted under her breath.

when they landed, and the bus arrived to take them back to campus, tobin was further reminded that she had no idea where she stood with christen, or how to fix it. she sulked to her room with kelley, who didn’t say much more than a quiet “goodnight, tobin,” before turning off her lamp and collapsing into her bed. even though it was late, and tobin was both mentally and physically exhausted, she couldn’t bring herself to sleep. for what felt like hours, she lay in her bed and turned to stare out the window, watching the rain patter against the glass.

the streetlight in front of her dorm had burned out while she was gone. tobin hadn’t noticed it until now.

t was the same streetlight they’d stopped at when tobin walked christen home from that first party. despite the fact that it had been only hours after the first time they met, obin had already known that christen would be special.

now, she smiled sadly at the memory, remembering how beautiful christen had looked under the light of the lamp.

(well, before the puking.)

that one memory seemed to set off more, and before tobin could stop herself, she was pulling out her phone and looking through the past few months of her camera roll. pictures of christen studying, on dates, cuddled up in bed, or just doing nothing were scattered throughout. and then she came to her favorite photo of christen- possibly her favorite photo in the whole world if she was being honest.

it was a photo of christen in front of the sun rising over the ocean, which tobin had taken the night they drove to the beach. her hair was flying around wildly, and she had the biggest smile on her face. her hand was outstretched because she’d been reaching for tobin. since she’d taken it, the photo had never failed to bring a smile to her face, but now it brought tears.

she’d been waiting for a text from christen for days. when they lost the game, tobin had thought that maybe christen would reach out to check up on her. but there was still nothing.

it took their friends three days to plan their murder.

on the first day, christen skipped pre-calc. she told ali she didn’t want to chance seeing tobin (whilst ignoring ali when she told her that she was being stupid). little did she know, tobin was doing the same thing by telling ash that she didn’t want to make christen feel awkward or ambushed. both of them ended up sitting in their respective dorms trying to study whilst finding themselves lost and confused.

on the second day, tobin made kelley go for a run with her.

(she always got a bit antsy when she was sad)

“gotta stay fit in the offseason, kell!” tobin shouted, shaking kelley’s bed to wake her up. kelley had groaned and pulled a pillow over her head, while swatting blindly at tobin.

“tobin, i love you, and i get that you have a compulsive need to run off your pain or whatever, but please do it alone. i need sleep,” kelley had protested.

it took ten more minutes of constant nagging, and possibly a few thinly veiled blackmail threats, for kelley to agree.

after tobin made her run for close to seven miles, kelley almost called christen right then and there, just to end her own suffering.

on the third day ali took christen to get their nails done, hoping that some self care would do her good. their outing went perfectly fine, and ali almost thought that christen was feeling better, until she suggested they get some lunch.

she didn’t expect for christen to start crying when she suggested they go to breadman’s.

ali had been incredibly confused at first. “christen, why are you crying, i literally just suggested lunch?”

“that’s where… that’s where we went,” christen sniffed, “on our first date.”

“oh,” ali said in realization. “well, we can just go somewhere else, yeah?”

christen had nodded sadly, completely aware of just how pitiful she both looked and sounded.

it was the third night that everything came to a head. both tobin and christen were missing each other like crazy, and kelley and ali at their wits end with the moping.

“tobin, i swear to god, if you don’t call her, or go see her, i’m gonna do it for you. and i am not _nearly _as kind or eloquent as you so i _really _don’t think that’s a good idea,” kelley half threatened.

tobin had intentionally ignored her, and kelley and ash exchanged a wary glance. ashlyn knew christen was just as bad, having been kept in the loop by ali.

“she’s right, tobs. ali needs a break, and poor kelley can’t take another seven miles in the rain. she’s got shin splits, tobs!”

tobin couldn’t help but laugh weakly at ashlyn’s attempts. “guys, i’m not going to do this. i’ve tried. i’ve tried to reach out to her, and i need her to reach out to me this time.”

“jesus christ, this is never going to end, is it,” kelley moaned, flopping back on her bed dramatically. ashlyn patted kelley’s stomach and grinned, amused by her friends theatrics. she looked back at tobin, her face now serious.

“you’re killing her slowly,” ashlyn deadpanned.

ali on the other hand, was not finding nearly as much humor in the situation.

“you’re actually killing me, press. it physically pains me to see you so sad.”

christen wished she had the energy to apologize.

she physically ached to see tobin again.

to some degree, christen knew what was happening was her own fault. she knew that she had been the one to start this silence, this confusion. she knew that she’d had a million different chances to make things better. she knew that tobin had been home for three days, and was probably heartbroken over losing. the thought of tobin being heartbroken, both over her and soccer,made christen feel even worse, adding another layer to the guilt she already felt. outside, the pace of the rain picked up, increasing to a steady pour.

“listen, i know what you think, but i really think you need to go see tobin,” ali said, for what must have been the hundredth time.

“i feel like i missed the chance.”

ali rolled her eyes, followed by a yawn. it was close to one in the morning, and she was staying up to make sure christen didn’t cry herself to sleep like she had the past two nights.

“you really didn’t. there’s always a chance, i promise. just go see her. go to her dorm tomorrow morning, bring her some apology waffles, anything,” ali protested.

christen shifted under her covers. she was exhausted, she couldn’t ignore that, but every time she closed her eyes she found sleeping impossible. but, she knew ali was exhausted, and like the good friend she was, wouldn’t go to sleep until she thought christen was okay.

so she agreed to go see tobin in the morning, and ali turned off the light in satisfaction.

christen tossed and turned for the next hour, until she slid out of her bed as quietly as possible.

it was two thirty in the morning when tobin’s phone lit up with a call. she’d been slipping in and out of sleep, never quite managing to get more than an hour in at a time.

_christen press _

careful not to wake kelley (who was snoring softly in her bed) tobin slipped into the hallway before answering.

“christen?”

there was a long silence, and tobin almost hung up, assuming that christen had called by accident.

“tobin?”

“yeah?”

tobin leaned against the wall and ran a hand through her hair. christen was silent for too long. “christen, what’s up?”

“i’m… i’m outside your dorm, can you come let me in?”

tobin started walking without thinking, she was too exhausted to process why christen was there.

“yeah, i’ll be right there.”

tobin all but ran down the stairs to the ground floor. christen was standing outside the dorm huddled under the small overhang to stay out of the rain, looking smaller than tobin had ever seen her. tobin unlocked the door, and christen stepped in wordlessly.

it was tobin who spoke first, after a few uncomfortable moments of silence.

“you shouldn’t be out alone, not this late.”

“i needed to come see you,” christen whispered.

“well, i’m right here, but you won’t even look at me…”

christen kept her eyes focused on the ground and shook her head. she could tell from tobin’s voice that she was exhausted. christen felt so, so ashamed.

“damn it christen, look at me!”

christen had never heard tobin yell outside of soccer. her voice never raised, especially not at christen. it was clear she was angry, clear she’d had enough.

“christen, please. if you would look at me you’d see that i’m exhausted. i can’t fucking do this, you can’t just… freak out on me and ignore me for a week and a half. fuck, how do you think i feel?”

“tobin, i’m sorry, okay?”

tobin shook her head. “no, this is not this easy. chris. fuck, you didn’t even call me when we lost semis. did you even know that i got benched?”

“yeah, i did… i didn’t think you’d want to hear from me…”

tobin laughed, and the sound was so cold it made christen cry even more. she should have known that coming here would be a bad idea. if only she’d just listened to ali and waited until the morning.

“what the actual fuck! did you not get my texts? or my calls? don’t tell me that i didn’t want to hear from you when i _very clearly _tried.”

“toby, i-“

“no, don’t fucking ‘toby’ me right now. don’t do it. god, i needed you, you know?”

christen tried to regulate her breathing and stop crying, but her eyes were so blurry that she could hardly see tobin’s angry face, or the fact that tobin had tears running down her face, too.

“t-tobin, please, can we just talk?”

“not now. it’s late and i haven’t slept since… fuck, i don’t know, but i can’t do this right now.”

christen looked defeatedly back at the ground and nodded. walking back towards the door, her feet dragging slowly behind her. outside, the rain was pouring even harder than before, falling in sideways sheets.

“wait, shit. christen, wait,” tobin spoke up suddenly, reaching out and stopping christen before she could open the door. the sidewalks outside were too empty, and the rain was falling so hard, and tobin knew there was no way she’d be able to sleep after sending christen away.

“what?”

christen’s voice was so soft, so much of a broken whisper that tobin could barely hear her.

“it’s…” tobin paused. she wasn’t sure she wanted to see christen anymore. but she didn’t want to just let her go, back into the rain and into the dark. “it’s pouring, and it’s cold, and it’s late. and god knows i can’t sleep and… i don’t want you to walk back this late. c’mon,” tobin gestured to the common room couches. “sit down, i’ll be right back.”

tobin returned a few minutes later with a blanket, for christen, who was shivering from her damp clothes. while tobin was gone, she’d managed to calm herself down, and her sobs were now reduced to just a few tears.

“can we talk now?”

tobin shrugged and sat down next to christen, tucking her legs under her body. christen took it as a yes, and took a deep breath before attempting to explain herself. 

“tobin, i’m sorry. i freaked out at thanksgiving but i shouldn’t have hung up on you, and i shouldn’t have ignored you. i was really caught up in my own shit and…”

“chris, that’s exactly it. you’re so… i feel like you don’t think about me sometimes.”

christen looked up quickly, unsure if she’d heard tobin correctly.

“that’s not the case at all. i think about you all the time, god, you’re all i think about sometimes,” christen argued, shaking her head furiously. she couldn’t comprehend how tobin could think that, especially after she’d just spent the last week thinking almost solely tobin.

“then why didn’t you call me? why did you ignore my texts? did you even know i got fucking benched for the fucking the semis? you didn’t even text when we lost. it’s like you only think about me when it’s convenient for you.”

“tobin…”

“why, chris? why’d you freak out? am i not enough for you? do you not trust me? i just don’t understand what’s going on in your head.”

christen threw the blanket off and stood up, throwing her hands up in annoyance. “oh, and you think i do? tobin, i have no fucking _clue _how to handle my own shit ninety percent of the time, okay? you think that i want this? you think that i don’t want to be able to explain how i feel? i don’t even understand why you’re here for me, tobin! why are you still here? why the hell are you with me? i just don’t understand!”

christen’s voice broke again as she burst into tears. tobin watched helplessly as the girl in front of her crumpled back onto the floor.

“is that what this is about?” tobin asked softly, crouching down next to christen. “you don’t think i want to be with you?”

“i just don’t understand. because you’re so good to me but clearly i’m a pretty shit girlfriend,” christen cried, her words broken and breathy.

tobin sighed and reached out to touch christen. she’d been avoiding doing so, knowing that her anger would melt the second that she felt christen underneath her, but when she finally took christen’s hand, all she felt was more determination to work through whatever they needed to.

“christen, i love you. i’m still mad, but i love you so much. okay?” christen nodded, and tobin continued. “i love you so, so much. i want to be with you, so please don’t doubt that for a second. i love you, all of you and i don’t know why you’ve got it in your head that i don’t want to be with you, but i’ll do whatever i can to help you stop feeling like that.”

“i love you, too,” christen whispered, and squeezed tobin’s hand. tobin couldn’t help but notice how raw and bloodied christen’s nail beds were. “i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, i just… i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you.”

“thank you for apologizing…” tobin trailed off and stared at the wall just past christen. “chris, what i’m about to say doesn’t mean i love you any less, okay?” christen nodded, growing scared. tobin took a deep breath before speaking again. “what you did was selfish. when you didn’t talk to me… i felt like i was breaking down, and it threw me off. and then the semis happened, and i felt even worse but i still didn’t know if you were okay.i need you, yeah? and i don’t know why you’ve got it in your head that i don’t, because i do. god, i understand that… this, this whole thing is hard for you. i really do. but i struggle too, and i think you’ve ignored that. i can’t be perfect for you, because i’m human too.”

christen leaned forward to wipe away the stray tears falling from tobin’s eyes. her usually twinkling brown eyes were full of sadness, and were bloodshot from exhaustion.

“i’m so sorry. i promise you i’m trying, i really am, but being at home fucked me up a little bit, but i’m really trying. i promise i’ll do better, okay?”

tobin nodded, her resolve finally breaking. she couldn’t be mad at christen for very long, especially not when she looked so sad.

“i know you’re trying, baby. you’re so good, i just need you to talk to me instead of… radio silence, yeah? i was really worried about you.”

“i should have been worried about you too. i see that now, and i want to make it better.”

tobin leaned back against the couch and laughed a defeated, worn-down sounding laugh.

“what’s done is done. we can both be better in the future, yeah?”

“toby, don’t do that.”

outside, a thunder boomed, startling both of the girls. for a brief moment, the lights in the dorm flickered, and both girls were silent, waiting to see what would happen next.

“do what?”

christen turned, shifting her gaze from the storm outside to tobin.

“diminish what you’re feeling. i can tell you’re doing it. i fucked up and i can accept that, okay?”

tobin nodded, but wasn’t able to reply just yet. if she was being completely honest, that was what she’d really needed to hear from christen: an acknowledgement of the ways that she’d hurt tobin.

“okay,” tobin whispered. she ran a hand through her messy hair and closed her eyes. it had to be close to three thirty, and she was starting to feel like she’d fall asleep at any moment. “okay. i’m… chris, i’m scared.”

christen’s face scrunched up in confusion. she scooted closer to tobin, resting her arms on tobin’s knees.

“why?”

tobin bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling, which christen knew was what she did when she was trying not to cry.

“i don’t… i don’t trust myself.”

“what do you mean?”

“i just… the game, i was so fucking angry. i felt like… i dunno, unhinged or something. and, like, i just couldn’t control myself. i was scared to be around you before this, cause i just felt so… guilty. and like my anger would just make things worse for you, and for us.”

christen gently pushed tobin’s legs apart to sit in between them. she reached out tentatively to place a hand on tobin’s cheek, not wanting to scare her away. but she was aching to touch her, comfort her, anything.

“for me?”

“yeah, for you. i’m…” tobin finally leaned forward and looked at christen. christen’s eyes were so full of concern, and so full of love, that tobin just wanted to make the sad look go away. “i’m scared i’ll get too angry with you.”

“of course you’re gonna get angry at me, it happens in relationships. and that’s okay, we’ll get through it. we’re gonna get better at talking, i promise.”

“no, baby, it’s not that. i feel like i can’t trust myself. and… fuck, i don’t wanna hurt you.”

“tobin, how long have you been feeling like this?”

tobin felt like she was about to pass out, partially from the emotions and partially from the lack of sleep. the dorm lights flickered again, but both her and christen chose to ignore it. they were more focused on each other than anything else.

“i don’t know. it’s something that i’ve struggled with since i was a kid, but i worked on it. i mean, i’ve been fine, yeah?” christen nodded in understanding.

“sometimes… you think you’re fine, and then all of a sudden you’re not. i understand.”

“yeah, that’s exactly it.”

tobin anxiously picked at her nails, a habit that she seemed to have picked up from watching christen do the same. “i’m just, like, i’m not an angry person. i used to be. i kinda thought that part of my life was over, but, i just got so emotional when you weren’t talking to me, and i felt like i was in high school again. you just… you make me really vulnerable, chris,” tobin admitted. her eyes were closed, she almost couldn’t bear to look at christen. she assumed that christen wouldn’t understand, or would look at her with disgust.

if she’d have opened her eyes, she would have been met with an understanding smile.

“that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, you know. vulnerability can be really, really good. tobin, i think you need to trust me more. sometimes i feel like you don’t think i can handle things, like you being vulnerable, but i can. and i promise i’ll work to prove it to you. i hope you can trust me. i’ll tell you if it’s too much, i promise.”

christen’s words touched something deep inside of tobin, and now she was the one in tears. christen hadn’t seen her cry this hard before, head in her hands, her whole body shaking. not sure of what else to do, christen reached out to her, and pulled tobin in close. tobin tucked her head into christen’s shoulder and cried, shaking her body.

“i never, ever, ever want to hurt you,” tobin whispered once she calmed down, her breathing hiccupy and her face flushed red. “and i don’t wanna put to much on you. but i think i need to… need to be a little more open.”

christen smiled softly and brushed away the damp wisps of hair sticking to tobin’s forehead and cheeks.

“yeah, i think so too. and i’m still working on that too, we’ll work on it together. i never wanna do this,” christen gestured in between them, “again.”

this time it was tobin who opened her arms wide, and christen who fell into them. there was so much more that they needed to say, and so much more that they needed to work through, but for now, this would be enough.

“i love you,” tobin whispered into christen’s hair, still damp and smelling like rain.

“you make me feel safe,” christen replied.

and both girls knew those words meant as much, if not more, as the three tobin had spoken.

_i love you, i forgive you. _

_you feel like home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments are greatly appreciated. or come find me on tumblr.

**Author's Note:**

> thought? suggestions? mac and cheese?


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